wonderful sunday and unpleasant thoughts.

had gone to my first fashion show today - the kind with the run way and models and garments created from dreams - with a certain dear jasmine.

it wasn't fantastic but it was my virgin trip there, and it was enough to make me appreciate why people love glamour.

no wonder people like gisele bundtchen (is that how it's spelt?) and kate moss got them monies! ..though i don't quite get how katie baby can get those deals. i mean, she's scrawny.


met up with susan and jenn, too. had a great time hanging out with them; missed them!

heck it felt good not doing anything; had coffee/milk at starbucks, walking about, shopping with them, reminiscing about the past, where we went, what we used to do and realising with a little horror how much time'd gone by and in no time we'd be old fogies hobbling about with walking sticks!

it had been good to meet up. to have tea, cake, dessert, food, etc. it's wonderful how we can take the time out to meet up, esp su and jenn. i'm glad we served as a thankful break for them!

that's what's important in life: taking the time to do something with people that are important to us; to have fun, even if it were a scant half an hour (thereabouts. thanks jenn, for coming out!) or half a day (thereabouts. su, it's great seeing you!) even if it were a whole damn day (thank you jas! for waiting in queue with me, for taking me to the fashion show, for being the jasmine that you are. love you!).

it's important to give each other space too, i suppose. in this case we have not much problems because we had all been rather busy (possibly save me haha) and meet-ups are always cheerful affairs.

..maybe.. if there's anything i learnt at all, it's that when a relationship, ANY relationship gets a little grouchy, part ways cheerfully and promise to meet up again. stay away for a while (if the issues's each other) and then meet again. this is the true absence makes the heart grow fonder. :)

met up with my mother after, and had her resew my button on my shirt for me. it's so nice to see her and have her about. :) ..coming to think of it, i should keep a set of needles and threads at home. i can do all of that myself, it's not like i don't know how to resew buttons back (took lessons from mum, hehe, after someone commented that i should learn how to). i might want to get a sewing machine to alter lengths of pants and shirts in the future.. that would save a great deal of money and trouble.


i'm going to learn how to cook as well. might have a flatmate,a girl, and maybe i can cook something and guinea pig her. lol! but truly, i want to learn how to cook. chillies, nasi lemaks, etc. my mum's good at those. heck i even want to make kaya! indonesian kaya's lovely. :)

..which rather unpleasantly reminds me: someone asked me 'do you know what he needs?' and proceeded to answer, 'he needs a good housewife. he's looking for a partner by the way, and he needs a good housewife.'


...how did she know i don't know how to clean up after myself? just because i don't dedicate a day of the week to clean my clothes and house means i don't? how did she know that, even? i hadn't told her anything.

i bet she weren't born with those skills, nor inclination, neither. i bet she wasn't born with recipes in her head, as well. heck. so she knew me huh. i bet she did. we spoke on msn!

but ah well. who's to say what? i was judged. she didn't and doesn't matter. someone else did.

all she would say was 'you aren't compatible.' so she was? so we broke up because of that? hardly. it was because of jealousy.

so they complemented each other more than we did? because she let him have his ways? accepting him 'unconditionally'? when's he going to improve, then? and if they were so good for each other, why'd i happen, then?

because she was away? because it was 'a test' and he failed?

and don't ever try to tell me what my definition of love should be. you take care of your own definitions, save them for someone who cares and wants to believe the same as you. if i didn't ask to be convinced, keep it. if i asked for opinion and you gave it, i'd gladly listen, for i had asked. ramming it down my throat doesn't work. hell - it doesn't work with anyone.

please don't presume your idea of love is more correct than mine because you'd been with someone i was with; or that you've had a few more years' worth of sagginess than what i will have.

and don't presume that i will be alright with your hand on his leg when your boyfriend's not around and when i'm around. were you playing with me? when you knew how i would react?

i mean, what's the meaning of your telling me, 'don't trust men completely?' back then?

so you were hurt by him and you wanted to keep me from giving him my all? what's the point in a relationship otherwise? maybe i was foolish not to take your advice. but when i love i love. your holding back is selfishness. then again, maybe i'm foolish.


i don't know.

..maybe men do stray even when they promise not to. maybe promises were made so they may be broken. whatever it is, i'm not sorry i took him away. he's a good thing. you had your troubles, we had ours. good for you that you are good friends now. whether you're really a good friend - i hope i'm truly prejudiced and you are the good friend you profess yourself to be.

take care of him, bitch. you've got his ears, but don't ever let me hear that you've wrecked him.

..then again, he's a grown man, he can take care of himself.



heh. men. maybe even when they say they try to be brutally frank they still lie. i hope yours won't lie to you.

having said that, though, women aren't much better.

but i'm glad to say.. that i hadn't listened to anyone who offered advice on my relationship, other than ones that will help it. friends or no, it's my business. i chose him.

..maybe i went too far, maybe he was just too keen to say buh-bye each time there was an issue raised towards the end.

so it's now truly buh-bye. i had begged, cried, explained, slapped, kissed, loved, hated, loved, hated, loved - everything. so i tried, so i tried.


i'm just glad, that i've stopped being scared of my phone, whether anyone's tone is pretty or ugly; whether i'd be disappointed if it weren't someone i was looking forward to hear from; whether he's going to call; whether he'll tell me he misses me.

i'm just glad i'm able to eat more these days, to see who i had become and still retain my old self and regenerate, to laugh and smile and love being alive each day again. things are happening to me, for me, with me. i'm just glad i have learnt the golden idea of agreeing to disagree and leave it at that. pandora's box was opened and shut in a twinkling of an eye, now that i know that topic's a pandora's box i'm not going to open it again until i have to.

..and 'having' to broach a subject is often avoidable.. unless we're talking hey-honey-i'm-pregnant-kinda-sorta-well-yeah kinda unavoidable.



people are here, still. the unpleasant one is gone, thankfully. quite a few of the crew also disappeared, though i'm rather disappointed at that. they're cool. but then they're more his friends than they are mine, so it figures. loyalty comes into play as well, doesn't it. pity, i truly liked them, even the awkward one. heh. no perfection in life, but then who is?

nothing much's changed, save i had taken two steps backwards from this destructive relationship. if i were to ever get back to it again, i'll know what to do. full armour this time! heh.

but if not, i'll still have that armour on for the next one. :) the next one, be it old or new, will not be destructive. my relationships shall never be destructive again, for i've learnt now to recognise it and do something about it.


no more oh i-love-you-so-much-it-hurts kinda love. live and let live as i'd been doing. clean slates, no chance of people misunderstanding my intentions anymore. if they don't go, i will. take that damned break. or breaks. if it ensures our safe coming back together again, i'll take those breaks.


for absence makes the heart grow fonder. the real kind.