cynicism, stolen from another blog

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Then again.. a phase kept repeating in my mind
..... anyone is dispensible - no one is indispensible ... ReMeMbEr?...

This is from my sister's blog..
i remember i've said this before, to the man that i guess i'll never want to see again.. telling him that leaving to japan with his girlfren (then) should be a good choice if he really loved her.. and that it wasn't his fault he wasn't ard when i was goin thru a break up..

Because no one can be there for anyone forever..

yet, in a way, everyone hopes that there's someone there for them 24-7. That they will have someone to fall back upon, to turn to for advice, to have a shoulder to cry on, to have someone to share your joy.. Someone special.. Specially there for you, that he or she is that special someone that exists to complement your existence..

i guess it's highly cynical to say that that is just made-belief - that a person, a special someone is on earth destined to be your partner, your other half.
somehow i can agree with the cynical view. how can you say that there's a person that is specially destined to be with you when you talk about accomodation, acceptance in a relationship, about external pressure? Love has proven to be secondary to alot of things, love does not conquer all.
If he or she is the special someone, why isn't he or she made jus right to complement my character, my background, my beliefs?

numbness sets in..
wat is it like to fall in love again? to find that a certain person did not reply my msg and fret over it? to feel sad jus because he did not reply me? to go out of your way just to make him happy, so that you'll derive happiness from that? to have someone else's interests before yours? to be prepared to give everything you have, just so that you believe "this is it, this is my destination"? to hold on patiently, waiting for him to just realise how much you love him? to make things that are totally impractical and takes up space, knowing that he'll appreciate it and not treat it as rubbish? to spend a bomb on fone bill because you msg him the min you wake up, right before you sleep and punctuate your day with stupid msges that ranges from "hey i'm on my way to school" to "hey, i'm having lunch now, rem to eat" as if a grown man has no idea wat is hunger? To say things that are totally obvious but jus show that you care? to sit and stare at each other and think that tt's the best thing that can happen to you?

basically, things that you do, to expose urself to possible risks of getting hurt.
things that you warn urself not to do, keep away from, just so that history doesn't repeats itself..

i cry for myself, my tears to pity myself. because of the kind of person i've become.. it's not that i cannot love.. the thoughts have influence the actions.. that perhaps certain things are just not worth brooding over..
if he doesn't call, i'll jus do my things.. the kind of anger, the degree of rejection that i used to feel is significantly lesser.. to the point i start to question, then is this love?
the first reaction to his lack of response is still anger, rejection - but my head starts to take over.. i walk away, i stop myself from getting angry. sometimes it jus feels like being indifferent..

erjie: you said that i was trapped in the past, unsure of the future..

Trapped in the past? i'm not sure. because i dun really think about him, when i do, i jus push the idea away. he still comes to mind once in a while.. i still wish to msg him, but i dun anymore. i guess this is when people say you get used to the pain after some time - instead of time healing you. you think of him often enough such that now, in a lesser frequency, i consider myself on the road of recovery? i tell myself i dunwan to know what you're doing, what's happening at your end, don't wanna know how you're coping.. ironically, when i think of all these, ain't i thinking of the very same things i tell myself not to?

actually today's entry is about nothing. sorry for spending your time reading nothing..
i just feel... mixed up..
i feel suppressed, always stopping myself from feeling some emotions before i do.. i want to be able to wail, to laugh out loud, to think of things that i want to think, to miss a person i want to miss, to hate, to love, to be the young bold me again..

to wail, to laugh -about wat?
to think of things that i wanna think about - wat exactly do you wanna think about?
to miss a person that i want to miss - what good does it do to you?
to hate, to love - where does that bring you...
young bold me-once you have crossed the threshold, you'll never find the old you again, no matter how hard you try..