penned.

as i dare to put thoughts down onto virtual parchment again, i think.

why does my heart shrink shockingly, like a child being surprised by another with a loud yell in the dark, each time i see a message from him?

why does my heart thump in fear and anxiety, each time i dial his number and wait for him to pick up, if he does, at all?

why does my heart become elated, when i see that his messages hold nothing hurtful, with nothing less?


as i told this to myself, i myself found the answer. i fear.

fear of his words, fear of his coldness, fear of his leaving, fear of my reactions. fear that my love would drive him away.

and indeed it has.


...these days i still fear the same things. but boldly enough, i look forward to receiving word from him. i never was a coward that way.

whatever words he had, whatever thoughts he had to say, i had the courage to hear them, no matter how they hurt, how they elated.

thus in a sense, it is acceptance of his thoughts and emotions.

maybe it is hard to see that, from another's point of view. i'll readily admit, it is hard trying to see what i see, know the reasons of what i do.

misunderstood, misread i am. made mistakes, made false steps, i had. explained, argued, feinted, lunged, but hardly side-stepped.

maybe i should have. not take it like a woman, but take it like a man.


learned now, i am. wiser then, i will be.