it rained.

it had rained today, the classroom was bloody cold, and i had gone out to thaw a little when it was breaktime.

i looked at the rain running off the tiles of the roofs and thought that this might just make the urban scenery. almost like a chinese painting featuring mountains and waterfalls.

my thoughts drifted to a classmate of mine, who's got a son. and a song she sang to us went like this..


a you're adorable
b you're so beautiful
c you're so cute and full of charm
d you're a darling
e you're exciting
f you're the feather in my arms
g you're so good to me
h you're so heavenly
i you're the one i idolise
j we're like jack and jill
k you're so kissable
l you're the lovelight in my eyes

m n o p

i could go on all day
q r s t
alphebetically speaking you're okay
u you're so good to me
v means you're very sweet
w x y z
it's fun to wander through
the alphabet with you
and tell you what it means to me


and as i sang it softly to myself, i cried a little.

i recalled how someone was talking about diaper management a few days back.

'that was supposed to be me,' i thought.


but then i smoked and felt better. heh. what high horse? high horse go buh-bye.


no, it's no one's fault that i started smoking, regardless of the reasons that i cite. yeah so i did it to understand. but it's me who is sticking with it. no one's fault. lay off him.


..it should be a certain wilson's wedding tomorrow. i wonder how it's going to be. i sure hope it doesn't rain. weird to have it on a weekday, though. maybe it's got to do with timing.

i wonder how it will be like when i do take up this new photography job... if i take up this job.

i'd wondered how it'd be if a certain someone were to ask me to be his wedding photographer. will i crack and die? or smile and say 'sure' then nabeh charge him a king's ransom for it? or simply, smile and take the job.


...i envied that classmate of mine. the happiest thing to happen is to have a child with someone you love. have a family.

i was supposed to have that with him. sing him that alphabet song, as well as to my child.


heh.


so i sang that song, my eyes were wet and i was choking both on tears and smoke. it was embarrassing. another smoking classmate chanced upon me and shrank right back into the freezer of a building. maybe i looked horrible. heh.

i realise that toulia's really someone i took out of desperation, and he was so very willing to come to me. ..it's wrong. it just is wrong.

i'm not over my last relationship. true that i've healed somewhat, but i just don't want to look for anything new anymore. i don't want to say goodbye anymore.

..i don't know whether i'll be able to find another who fits so well with me again. whatever the case, i'm not holding my breath.

maybe soon, i'll find the courage to read his blogs again, find out how he is. like i am not scared of getting his phonecalls nor sms-es anymore. (maybe because i know he'd never sms or call. haha) you know, be at ease - completely at ease. i wonder sometimes, does he read my blogs? hell does he even know that i've a new blog?

i could almost laugh at this train of thought. aren't you trying to let go, loren babe? why do you still cry? why do you still think of him when you see couples with toddlers in prams? why do you still dream of him? three in a morning! gods.


i want to be like my classmate. get married someday, be happy, have a baby boy that i adore. maybe not now, maybe a while later, when i've healed. and maybe, sing my baby that song.

with all the lessons i've learnt, i'm sure the next time i have a relationship i'd be able to make it work. and for good. don't fucking ask questions about the past.