yeah man drummers. drummers and big fat loudspeakers.
WOOO!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
the window
i looked out the window one day
felt the breeze on my face
i loved the wind's caresses
tippy-toed and breathed it in
i got kissed by its gentle love
stretched my arms out and asked for more
it laughed with me; twirled
and suddenly left me as winds are wont to do
so i waited and sighed
looked about and tried to fly
stood higher on my toes
and suddenly i died
felt the breeze on my face
i loved the wind's caresses
tippy-toed and breathed it in
i got kissed by its gentle love
stretched my arms out and asked for more
it laughed with me; twirled
and suddenly left me as winds are wont to do
so i waited and sighed
looked about and tried to fly
stood higher on my toes
and suddenly i died
eureka!
hey! i just had a revelation!
i don't have quarrels with anybody.
in the sense that i'm not going to mention anyone even if a 'one free kill from your neighbourhood assassin' voucher were to be found in my mailbox one day.
no, not even the one i called a bitch. who's to say what's right and what's wrong? yeah alright so trying lecture me was unpleasant; i hardly even know her. she did what she felt was appropriate at the moment, never mind that it is or it isn't. as i said, only time can tell whether something's right or wrong.
everybody does what's 'right' or takes what looks to be the best course of action at that point in time. yeah, even those chaotic evil ones - maybe they were 'following orders' and that's their goal and what's 'right' to them.
maybe they felt they're doing something right by doing war, by expanding their area of rule. maybe killing that paladin (when you're a demon) id right, because he's just so... 'right'. heck this one killed your comrades! heck he is probably going to kill you on sight if you don't kill him first!
..i guess the only difference there between paladins and demons (in this pseudo-d&d analogy anyway) is that demons tend to have enemies amongst the evil ones as well, and their loyalties tend to lie in their clans instead of 'for all evil' or 'for all good'.
in more human terms, though, these are somewhat the same.
the mafia? their loyalties lie in their own clans. there are, of course, examples of betrayals, in which loyalties lie with more often than not, the betrayors themselves.
where do we find those real life paladins? tough.
i guess one becomes a paladin when your purpose is for a plan that benefits more than just yourself. maybe that 'for the greater benefit' plan is not really what the opposition's idea of 'for the greater good'. heck, just ask the iraqis.
bush tried to 'free' them. some don't want their leader to go. some are relieved to know that they are finally free. some feel that bush should stick his nose where it's welcome.
so what's good, what's right, what's wrong, and what's bad?
i suppose she did and said whatever she believed in. so it didn't benefit me.
so she is still alive and kicking. what does it bother me? so he's over it. what about it?
let's be friends, shall we? it's so tiring being angry and upset and sad and suchlike. manic or depressed, it doesn't quite matter.
think about it. mania and depression come from external triggers. when someone's like that they tend to be very sensitive to external influences.
but as i found out, they don't surface when things 'don't matter'. see?
the more important something seems to them the more sensitive these troubled people are to them.
the key is to not get too close. yea, sweet simony, it's like watching the stars from afar.
let's watch the stars from afar, with a cuppa in our hands one of these days. and babes, let's do the same with a glassa wine. i'll get the wine, we can forgo the glasses. let's do plastic cups instead. one of these days, eh? say some friday or something, when your exams are over. jas, i'll wait for your work to be done. i promise to save as much wine as i can i bring myself not to drink. -grin-
while you're golfing simony, look up at the stars (if you can see them, damn bright lights) - i'll be raising a toast to you, from another side of singapore.
i don't have quarrels with anybody.
in the sense that i'm not going to mention anyone even if a 'one free kill from your neighbourhood assassin' voucher were to be found in my mailbox one day.
no, not even the one i called a bitch. who's to say what's right and what's wrong? yeah alright so trying lecture me was unpleasant; i hardly even know her. she did what she felt was appropriate at the moment, never mind that it is or it isn't. as i said, only time can tell whether something's right or wrong.
everybody does what's 'right' or takes what looks to be the best course of action at that point in time. yeah, even those chaotic evil ones - maybe they were 'following orders' and that's their goal and what's 'right' to them.
maybe they felt they're doing something right by doing war, by expanding their area of rule. maybe killing that paladin (when you're a demon) id right, because he's just so... 'right'. heck this one killed your comrades! heck he is probably going to kill you on sight if you don't kill him first!
..i guess the only difference there between paladins and demons (in this pseudo-d&d analogy anyway) is that demons tend to have enemies amongst the evil ones as well, and their loyalties tend to lie in their clans instead of 'for all evil' or 'for all good'.
in more human terms, though, these are somewhat the same.
the mafia? their loyalties lie in their own clans. there are, of course, examples of betrayals, in which loyalties lie with more often than not, the betrayors themselves.
where do we find those real life paladins? tough.
i guess one becomes a paladin when your purpose is for a plan that benefits more than just yourself. maybe that 'for the greater benefit' plan is not really what the opposition's idea of 'for the greater good'. heck, just ask the iraqis.
bush tried to 'free' them. some don't want their leader to go. some are relieved to know that they are finally free. some feel that bush should stick his nose where it's welcome.
so what's good, what's right, what's wrong, and what's bad?
i suppose she did and said whatever she believed in. so it didn't benefit me.
so she is still alive and kicking. what does it bother me? so he's over it. what about it?
let's be friends, shall we? it's so tiring being angry and upset and sad and suchlike. manic or depressed, it doesn't quite matter.
think about it. mania and depression come from external triggers. when someone's like that they tend to be very sensitive to external influences.
but as i found out, they don't surface when things 'don't matter'. see?
the more important something seems to them the more sensitive these troubled people are to them.
the key is to not get too close. yea, sweet simony, it's like watching the stars from afar.
let's watch the stars from afar, with a cuppa in our hands one of these days. and babes, let's do the same with a glassa wine. i'll get the wine, we can forgo the glasses. let's do plastic cups instead. one of these days, eh? say some friday or something, when your exams are over. jas, i'll wait for your work to be done. i promise to save as much wine as i can i bring myself not to drink. -grin-
while you're golfing simony, look up at the stars (if you can see them, damn bright lights) - i'll be raising a toast to you, from another side of singapore.
my mother..
i love her.
she's not educated nor is she sophisticated, she doesn't even know how to dress or talk sometimes, but she's kind and caring. she prays for me every day and is always happy to see me.
what more can i ask for? i used to hate her though, i wonder why. maybe we'd been in too close a proximity that we rub each other wrong.
..someone wrote, you win some you lose some.
how true is that. no perfection, you just gotta accept. acceptance is easier when you don't quite care, for some reason.
if it matters then sure, but things start to happen when everything matters. i know; i'd been there.
insensitive or no, sometimes the other party has just got to embrace that aspect of the other. in a sense, he's right in saying there's no perfect place. the 'perfect place' is here and now, where you can be happy and laugh. if not, try to make it the place you want to be at. failing which, leave.
come back later, maybe, if things get better. if not, stay away.
but there's no need to put yourself in a situation in which you do not enjoy being in, unless it's for work and you can't run away from it.
otherwise, enjoy the laughter and smiles and be content. easy company, isn't that what everyone looks for? maybe some witty and saucy participation now and then to spice up the life - but isn't that what life's about?
mundane.. heh. looks like we still agree on quite a few things. how come we never seemed to when we were supposed to?
i wonder why. maybe i'd grown up some, maybe i'd relaxed some. whatever it is, i'm just happy to know that it is so.
she's not educated nor is she sophisticated, she doesn't even know how to dress or talk sometimes, but she's kind and caring. she prays for me every day and is always happy to see me.
what more can i ask for? i used to hate her though, i wonder why. maybe we'd been in too close a proximity that we rub each other wrong.
..someone wrote, you win some you lose some.
how true is that. no perfection, you just gotta accept. acceptance is easier when you don't quite care, for some reason.
if it matters then sure, but things start to happen when everything matters. i know; i'd been there.
insensitive or no, sometimes the other party has just got to embrace that aspect of the other. in a sense, he's right in saying there's no perfect place. the 'perfect place' is here and now, where you can be happy and laugh. if not, try to make it the place you want to be at. failing which, leave.
come back later, maybe, if things get better. if not, stay away.
but there's no need to put yourself in a situation in which you do not enjoy being in, unless it's for work and you can't run away from it.
otherwise, enjoy the laughter and smiles and be content. easy company, isn't that what everyone looks for? maybe some witty and saucy participation now and then to spice up the life - but isn't that what life's about?
mundane.. heh. looks like we still agree on quite a few things. how come we never seemed to when we were supposed to?
i wonder why. maybe i'd grown up some, maybe i'd relaxed some. whatever it is, i'm just happy to know that it is so.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
so what happened?
so we talked. we were not mistaking ourselves, we reminded ourselves where we're at, what we're supposed to be, and all's well. no pressure, no questions.
just easy company. and yeah, it felt good, not knowing too much about him, not wanting to care. not wanting him to care too much and not wanting to care too much myself.
i didn't even ask, 'so what do you think about me?' (he told me anyway.)
it's only obvious that if he's agreeing to meeting up he likes my company, and even more so when he initiates it. it doesn't matter that we're not calling each other every night; it's easy like that, you know.
if the next relationship were to start, it'll start like this. like a certain john legend says, this time we take it slow. for we're just ordinary people.
and meanwhile, i return to being the bon vivant that i am. wine downs, photo exhibitions, meeting up with them fashionably sassy ladies and gentlemen*. be what i'm supposed to be, charming, sassy and saucy, not the grouchy ole nag i was for some time. uuugh not funny, that.
i found out why i became that today, though. now that i'd pin-pointed why i became that, it's now time to work on how to counter its effects in the future. precious lesson leh, that one.
..so these are the people i mix with. :) i'm glad i'm one of them, without losing my good self. thankfully it's celebrated to have yer own personality and mind and speaking up.. as long as you don't say anything too stupid too often. heh.
so yes. life is thoroughly celebrated once more.
*disclaimer: sass makes fashion, not the other way round. heh. i sound like a fashion guru wannabe.
just easy company. and yeah, it felt good, not knowing too much about him, not wanting to care. not wanting him to care too much and not wanting to care too much myself.
i didn't even ask, 'so what do you think about me?' (he told me anyway.)
it's only obvious that if he's agreeing to meeting up he likes my company, and even more so when he initiates it. it doesn't matter that we're not calling each other every night; it's easy like that, you know.
if the next relationship were to start, it'll start like this. like a certain john legend says, this time we take it slow. for we're just ordinary people.
and meanwhile, i return to being the bon vivant that i am. wine downs, photo exhibitions, meeting up with them fashionably sassy ladies and gentlemen*. be what i'm supposed to be, charming, sassy and saucy, not the grouchy ole nag i was for some time. uuugh not funny, that.
i found out why i became that today, though. now that i'd pin-pointed why i became that, it's now time to work on how to counter its effects in the future. precious lesson leh, that one.
..so these are the people i mix with. :) i'm glad i'm one of them, without losing my good self. thankfully it's celebrated to have yer own personality and mind and speaking up.. as long as you don't say anything too stupid too often. heh.
so yes. life is thoroughly celebrated once more.
*disclaimer: sass makes fashion, not the other way round. heh. i sound like a fashion guru wannabe.
i did something wrong, i'm going to set it right.
i did something wrong a few weeks back, today i'm going to set it right.
i had been setting things right these few days. or more specifically, closing doors.
ever since i'd broken up, a seeming avalanche of suitors had turned up at my door in the most unusual ways. one filipino from saudi (no idea how he got my number), one old friend from australia, and another high-flying banker in singapore. there are, of course, the ones who refuse to go away. like nelson. i wonder why he sticks around. i mean, i'd been nothing but a bitch.
are men truly punishment sluts???
but i digress. so just yesterday i managed to spit out that it might not be a good idea to come all the way to singapore to stay with me; on the same day i managed to tell the saudi one i hardly know him and don't even know what he's saying most of the time.
and today, this very afternoon, that banker fellow is coming over.. gotta set the guy straight.
but thank heavens for these people. they love me. or my presence at least. heh.
maybe it's enough to be just smiles, no pressure to be anything else. i hadn't felt this free for a long, long time. no need for anyone, cruisin' along, easily.
work's starting soon, i hope. come 3rd april, i will be taking on a project. praying it goes well. i might be sent to taiwan to do a shoot, might be good. they're setting up a studio it seems, i'll be helping out. drawing salary, aye, but what else is there to live for? i want a job, too. work ass off till thirty, scrimp and save, buy a goddamn house or get the hells out of here.
if it were the former, i'll make it into a sanctuary or sorts. have people come over when they're stressed. have a pool built, get a dog, let them live a life that's not their own for a while, work some things out. that was what my aunt's place was to me when my heart sat on a wall and fell. i want to do that for people, you know? go away without going away. :)
if it's the latter, i wanna settle in taiwan. i heard the men are soft-spoken and the ladies are beautiful; the scenery's great and they all speak chinese in the endearingly ingratiating manner and their grasp of language is lovely! i would love to migrate to taiwan. that or get a farm somewhere, have some sheep, cows, buy my own generator and live a hermit's life. i'd always wanted to do that. snuggle in a rug in front of the fireplace when it's cold, watch the embers. dreading having to poke my nose outside in the winter and having to shovel the snow away from the door so i can go out.. :) i'd always wanted to do that.
maybe, maybe. but first, let's start it off with this.
i'm sure quite you people'd agree that having something to do to fill my time with and at the same time earn me monies will help. i like working. i enjoyed my stint as an intern when i was still studying. i had no one back then, went to work, ran about the whole damned day five days a week, life was good. life was simple. heh. save the bit about the bullying bastard of a mentor lah that is. tale-teller, that. but i was happy hauling equipment, setting up, suchlike.
now it's going to be me working with people, working with studios. assistanceship may be a thing of the past already. wow.
it's no bed of roses, but i'm going to stick it out. photographer. me. work comes first. no, wait. friends and family come first. work comes a close second. that's not to say i'm going to leave work when kakis ask me to game or go have wine lah, but you know what i mean. kakis are important. family, too.
now please pray for me, that all goes well, so i may do something that i love. :) those unreligeous ones, cross your fingers! :D
hmm. my finger's healing quite well now, the numbness's gone a way quite a bit, though there's still some of it left. it'll heal, it'll heal. everything does. :) thank god it's like that.
song on the radio: lonely no more, by rob thomas. well sung!
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why can we just try
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you
i had been setting things right these few days. or more specifically, closing doors.
ever since i'd broken up, a seeming avalanche of suitors had turned up at my door in the most unusual ways. one filipino from saudi (no idea how he got my number), one old friend from australia, and another high-flying banker in singapore. there are, of course, the ones who refuse to go away. like nelson. i wonder why he sticks around. i mean, i'd been nothing but a bitch.
are men truly punishment sluts???
but i digress. so just yesterday i managed to spit out that it might not be a good idea to come all the way to singapore to stay with me; on the same day i managed to tell the saudi one i hardly know him and don't even know what he's saying most of the time.
and today, this very afternoon, that banker fellow is coming over.. gotta set the guy straight.
but thank heavens for these people. they love me. or my presence at least. heh.
maybe it's enough to be just smiles, no pressure to be anything else. i hadn't felt this free for a long, long time. no need for anyone, cruisin' along, easily.
work's starting soon, i hope. come 3rd april, i will be taking on a project. praying it goes well. i might be sent to taiwan to do a shoot, might be good. they're setting up a studio it seems, i'll be helping out. drawing salary, aye, but what else is there to live for? i want a job, too. work ass off till thirty, scrimp and save, buy a goddamn house or get the hells out of here.
if it were the former, i'll make it into a sanctuary or sorts. have people come over when they're stressed. have a pool built, get a dog, let them live a life that's not their own for a while, work some things out. that was what my aunt's place was to me when my heart sat on a wall and fell. i want to do that for people, you know? go away without going away. :)
if it's the latter, i wanna settle in taiwan. i heard the men are soft-spoken and the ladies are beautiful; the scenery's great and they all speak chinese in the endearingly ingratiating manner and their grasp of language is lovely! i would love to migrate to taiwan. that or get a farm somewhere, have some sheep, cows, buy my own generator and live a hermit's life. i'd always wanted to do that. snuggle in a rug in front of the fireplace when it's cold, watch the embers. dreading having to poke my nose outside in the winter and having to shovel the snow away from the door so i can go out.. :) i'd always wanted to do that.
maybe, maybe. but first, let's start it off with this.
i'm sure quite you people'd agree that having something to do to fill my time with and at the same time earn me monies will help. i like working. i enjoyed my stint as an intern when i was still studying. i had no one back then, went to work, ran about the whole damned day five days a week, life was good. life was simple. heh. save the bit about the bullying bastard of a mentor lah that is. tale-teller, that. but i was happy hauling equipment, setting up, suchlike.
now it's going to be me working with people, working with studios. assistanceship may be a thing of the past already. wow.
it's no bed of roses, but i'm going to stick it out. photographer. me. work comes first. no, wait. friends and family come first. work comes a close second. that's not to say i'm going to leave work when kakis ask me to game or go have wine lah, but you know what i mean. kakis are important. family, too.
now please pray for me, that all goes well, so i may do something that i love. :) those unreligeous ones, cross your fingers! :D
hmm. my finger's healing quite well now, the numbness's gone a way quite a bit, though there's still some of it left. it'll heal, it'll heal. everything does. :) thank god it's like that.
song on the radio: lonely no more, by rob thomas. well sung!
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why can we just try
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
strangely happy
heh.
someone just called me sounding pissy and majorly turned off.
she demanded to know if i had gone back to smoking. i had rather calmly told her, yes i had.
she then asked me what's the point of saying things like 'i want to quit smoking' to her, for it creates expectations.
i found that moment strangely familiar - i had a few encounters like that with another, some time back.
so while being scolded, getting defensive and somewhat amused (i hope that didn't show), i managed to explain that i am not addicted, just because i can go without smokes for a fortnight if i wanted to prove to myself that i'm not so.
'i only use them when i couldn't take it,' i said, referring to the emotional downs i get smacked with without rhyme or reason.
she got worried about my getting dependent on it emotionally/mentally.
...after a while of debating (never knew an exchange of ideas could be this calm. i must remember how that happened, for future reference and usage) i conceded that i'll get over him and the habit eventually; takes time.
that's when the silly elation got me. she cared about me enough to call me to nabeh ask me what the hells going on. not that the rest of the world who didn't don't lah but you get what i mean.
i had done that to simon back then, and to have someone get worked up over this kinda thing is like, wow. granted, a little unpleasant, but it drives home the fact that she cares. :)
a little like a mother forcing a son to wear that toopid piece of triangular paper from the temples (no offence, merely to demonstrate what the non-believing son might be thinking) - a little annoying but it does help remind the fella that his mother worries about him. maybe that's when he remembers not to speed, because of that thing that's been soaked in sweat and dried countless times is right there with him, between him and his shirt, reminding him that his mother worries about him.
it's easy to forget sometimes, and get angry when people get naggy and pissy, or to see that they actually are concerned. thankfully, i'm able to see that most of the time. next step: learn to express it less damagingly. then again, i only have that issue with the ex, for some reason. maybe i cared and bothered TOO much. that ain't healthy.
so after we hung up, i had this silly grin plastered over my face. she cares! silly me, how'd i forget that?
..maybe we all need to be told sometimes, aye? indirectly or otherwise, i guess we all have to be told.
i love you too jas, truly i do.
someone just called me sounding pissy and majorly turned off.
she demanded to know if i had gone back to smoking. i had rather calmly told her, yes i had.
she then asked me what's the point of saying things like 'i want to quit smoking' to her, for it creates expectations.
i found that moment strangely familiar - i had a few encounters like that with another, some time back.
so while being scolded, getting defensive and somewhat amused (i hope that didn't show), i managed to explain that i am not addicted, just because i can go without smokes for a fortnight if i wanted to prove to myself that i'm not so.
'i only use them when i couldn't take it,' i said, referring to the emotional downs i get smacked with without rhyme or reason.
she got worried about my getting dependent on it emotionally/mentally.
...after a while of debating (never knew an exchange of ideas could be this calm. i must remember how that happened, for future reference and usage) i conceded that i'll get over him and the habit eventually; takes time.
that's when the silly elation got me. she cared about me enough to call me to nabeh ask me what the hells going on. not that the rest of the world who didn't don't lah but you get what i mean.
i had done that to simon back then, and to have someone get worked up over this kinda thing is like, wow. granted, a little unpleasant, but it drives home the fact that she cares. :)
a little like a mother forcing a son to wear that toopid piece of triangular paper from the temples (no offence, merely to demonstrate what the non-believing son might be thinking) - a little annoying but it does help remind the fella that his mother worries about him. maybe that's when he remembers not to speed, because of that thing that's been soaked in sweat and dried countless times is right there with him, between him and his shirt, reminding him that his mother worries about him.
it's easy to forget sometimes, and get angry when people get naggy and pissy, or to see that they actually are concerned. thankfully, i'm able to see that most of the time. next step: learn to express it less damagingly. then again, i only have that issue with the ex, for some reason. maybe i cared and bothered TOO much. that ain't healthy.
so after we hung up, i had this silly grin plastered over my face. she cares! silly me, how'd i forget that?
..maybe we all need to be told sometimes, aye? indirectly or otherwise, i guess we all have to be told.
i love you too jas, truly i do.
AAAAAARGH!!!
stop thinking about it anymore!!
it's pms! p-bloody-ms! it'll pass in a few days' time! meanwhile eat your damn chocolates!
it's pms! p-bloody-ms! it'll pass in a few days' time! meanwhile eat your damn chocolates!
it rained.
it had rained today, the classroom was bloody cold, and i had gone out to thaw a little when it was breaktime.
i looked at the rain running off the tiles of the roofs and thought that this might just make the urban scenery. almost like a chinese painting featuring mountains and waterfalls.
my thoughts drifted to a classmate of mine, who's got a son. and a song she sang to us went like this..
a you're adorable
b you're so beautiful
c you're so cute and full of charm
d you're a darling
e you're exciting
f you're the feather in my arms
g you're so good to me
h you're so heavenly
i you're the one i idolise
j we're like jack and jill
k you're so kissable
l you're the lovelight in my eyes
m n o p
i could go on all day
q r s t
alphebetically speaking you're okay
u you're so good to me
v means you're very sweet
w x y z
it's fun to wander through
the alphabet with you
and tell you what it means to me
and as i sang it softly to myself, i cried a little.
i recalled how someone was talking about diaper management a few days back.
'that was supposed to be me,' i thought.
but then i smoked and felt better. heh. what high horse? high horse go buh-bye.
no, it's no one's fault that i started smoking, regardless of the reasons that i cite. yeah so i did it to understand. but it's me who is sticking with it. no one's fault. lay off him.
..it should be a certain wilson's wedding tomorrow. i wonder how it's going to be. i sure hope it doesn't rain. weird to have it on a weekday, though. maybe it's got to do with timing.
i wonder how it will be like when i do take up this new photography job... if i take up this job.
i'd wondered how it'd be if a certain someone were to ask me to be his wedding photographer. will i crack and die? or smile and say 'sure' then nabeh charge him a king's ransom for it? or simply, smile and take the job.
...i envied that classmate of mine. the happiest thing to happen is to have a child with someone you love. have a family.
i was supposed to have that with him. sing him that alphabet song, as well as to my child.
heh.
so i sang that song, my eyes were wet and i was choking both on tears and smoke. it was embarrassing. another smoking classmate chanced upon me and shrank right back into the freezer of a building. maybe i looked horrible. heh.
i realise that toulia's really someone i took out of desperation, and he was so very willing to come to me. ..it's wrong. it just is wrong.
i'm not over my last relationship. true that i've healed somewhat, but i just don't want to look for anything new anymore. i don't want to say goodbye anymore.
..i don't know whether i'll be able to find another who fits so well with me again. whatever the case, i'm not holding my breath.
maybe soon, i'll find the courage to read his blogs again, find out how he is. like i am not scared of getting his phonecalls nor sms-es anymore. (maybe because i know he'd never sms or call. haha) you know, be at ease - completely at ease. i wonder sometimes, does he read my blogs? hell does he even know that i've a new blog?
i could almost laugh at this train of thought. aren't you trying to let go, loren babe? why do you still cry? why do you still think of him when you see couples with toddlers in prams? why do you still dream of him? three in a morning! gods.
i want to be like my classmate. get married someday, be happy, have a baby boy that i adore. maybe not now, maybe a while later, when i've healed. and maybe, sing my baby that song.
with all the lessons i've learnt, i'm sure the next time i have a relationship i'd be able to make it work. and for good. don't fucking ask questions about the past.
i looked at the rain running off the tiles of the roofs and thought that this might just make the urban scenery. almost like a chinese painting featuring mountains and waterfalls.
my thoughts drifted to a classmate of mine, who's got a son. and a song she sang to us went like this..
a you're adorable
b you're so beautiful
c you're so cute and full of charm
d you're a darling
e you're exciting
f you're the feather in my arms
g you're so good to me
h you're so heavenly
i you're the one i idolise
j we're like jack and jill
k you're so kissable
l you're the lovelight in my eyes
m n o p
i could go on all day
q r s t
alphebetically speaking you're okay
u you're so good to me
v means you're very sweet
w x y z
it's fun to wander through
the alphabet with you
and tell you what it means to me
and as i sang it softly to myself, i cried a little.
i recalled how someone was talking about diaper management a few days back.
'that was supposed to be me,' i thought.
but then i smoked and felt better. heh. what high horse? high horse go buh-bye.
no, it's no one's fault that i started smoking, regardless of the reasons that i cite. yeah so i did it to understand. but it's me who is sticking with it. no one's fault. lay off him.
..it should be a certain wilson's wedding tomorrow. i wonder how it's going to be. i sure hope it doesn't rain. weird to have it on a weekday, though. maybe it's got to do with timing.
i wonder how it will be like when i do take up this new photography job... if i take up this job.
i'd wondered how it'd be if a certain someone were to ask me to be his wedding photographer. will i crack and die? or smile and say 'sure' then nabeh charge him a king's ransom for it? or simply, smile and take the job.
...i envied that classmate of mine. the happiest thing to happen is to have a child with someone you love. have a family.
i was supposed to have that with him. sing him that alphabet song, as well as to my child.
heh.
so i sang that song, my eyes were wet and i was choking both on tears and smoke. it was embarrassing. another smoking classmate chanced upon me and shrank right back into the freezer of a building. maybe i looked horrible. heh.
i realise that toulia's really someone i took out of desperation, and he was so very willing to come to me. ..it's wrong. it just is wrong.
i'm not over my last relationship. true that i've healed somewhat, but i just don't want to look for anything new anymore. i don't want to say goodbye anymore.
..i don't know whether i'll be able to find another who fits so well with me again. whatever the case, i'm not holding my breath.
maybe soon, i'll find the courage to read his blogs again, find out how he is. like i am not scared of getting his phonecalls nor sms-es anymore. (maybe because i know he'd never sms or call. haha) you know, be at ease - completely at ease. i wonder sometimes, does he read my blogs? hell does he even know that i've a new blog?
i could almost laugh at this train of thought. aren't you trying to let go, loren babe? why do you still cry? why do you still think of him when you see couples with toddlers in prams? why do you still dream of him? three in a morning! gods.
i want to be like my classmate. get married someday, be happy, have a baby boy that i adore. maybe not now, maybe a while later, when i've healed. and maybe, sing my baby that song.
with all the lessons i've learnt, i'm sure the next time i have a relationship i'd be able to make it work. and for good. don't fucking ask questions about the past.
someone's birthday today
it's someone's birthday today.
here's wishing you a sweet day today (albeit late, i know) and even better days ahead.
love, me.
here's wishing you a sweet day today (albeit late, i know) and even better days ahead.
love, me.
Monday, March 28, 2005
looking, looking and what do i see?
hmm.
it's so tiring looking for someone. be it job, love, whatnot.
in a job you take months to train someone only to have him/her disappear soon after. in romance, it gets tiring when it ends in break-up.
i don't want to say goodbye anymore.
i'm so tired of saying goodbye, i'd said goodbye so many times, heard goodbye so many times.
i don't want to say goodbye anymore. it's so much easier this way.
it's so tiring looking for someone. be it job, love, whatnot.
in a job you take months to train someone only to have him/her disappear soon after. in romance, it gets tiring when it ends in break-up.
i don't want to say goodbye anymore.
i'm so tired of saying goodbye, i'd said goodbye so many times, heard goodbye so many times.
i don't want to say goodbye anymore. it's so much easier this way.
courses
fwah. damn shagged today man.
slept late, woke early, went for course that lasted the whole day.. but well, i am learning something! good, good. :)
slept late, woke early, went for course that lasted the whole day.. but well, i am learning something! good, good. :)
qualification(s)
hmm. reread what i wrote.
no, she didn't ram those love concepts down my throat. she left it at 'we're of very different mindsets' - so nope, she didn't try to ram anything down my throat. i retract that.
but the rest, bah.
maybe i misunderstood her, maybe i was insecure. but what does it matter? nada.
but heck.. it was so tough being jealous, being scared he might be doing something... i tried, i really tried.
no, she didn't ram those love concepts down my throat. she left it at 'we're of very different mindsets' - so nope, she didn't try to ram anything down my throat. i retract that.
but the rest, bah.
maybe i misunderstood her, maybe i was insecure. but what does it matter? nada.
but heck.. it was so tough being jealous, being scared he might be doing something... i tried, i really tried.
wonderful sunday and unpleasant thoughts.
had gone to my first fashion show today - the kind with the run way and models and garments created from dreams - with a certain dear jasmine.
it wasn't fantastic but it was my virgin trip there, and it was enough to make me appreciate why people love glamour.
no wonder people like gisele bundtchen (is that how it's spelt?) and kate moss got them monies! ..though i don't quite get how katie baby can get those deals. i mean, she's scrawny.
met up with susan and jenn, too. had a great time hanging out with them; missed them!
heck it felt good not doing anything; had coffee/milk at starbucks, walking about, shopping with them, reminiscing about the past, where we went, what we used to do and realising with a little horror how much time'd gone by and in no time we'd be old fogies hobbling about with walking sticks!
it had been good to meet up. to have tea, cake, dessert, food, etc. it's wonderful how we can take the time out to meet up, esp su and jenn. i'm glad we served as a thankful break for them!
that's what's important in life: taking the time to do something with people that are important to us; to have fun, even if it were a scant half an hour (thereabouts. thanks jenn, for coming out!) or half a day (thereabouts. su, it's great seeing you!) even if it were a whole damn day (thank you jas! for waiting in queue with me, for taking me to the fashion show, for being the jasmine that you are. love you!).
it's important to give each other space too, i suppose. in this case we have not much problems because we had all been rather busy (possibly save me haha) and meet-ups are always cheerful affairs.
..maybe.. if there's anything i learnt at all, it's that when a relationship, ANY relationship gets a little grouchy, part ways cheerfully and promise to meet up again. stay away for a while (if the issues's each other) and then meet again. this is the true absence makes the heart grow fonder. :)
met up with my mother after, and had her resew my button on my shirt for me. it's so nice to see her and have her about. :) ..coming to think of it, i should keep a set of needles and threads at home. i can do all of that myself, it's not like i don't know how to resew buttons back (took lessons from mum, hehe, after someone commented that i should learn how to). i might want to get a sewing machine to alter lengths of pants and shirts in the future.. that would save a great deal of money and trouble.
i'm going to learn how to cook as well. might have a flatmate,a girl, and maybe i can cook something and guinea pig her. lol! but truly, i want to learn how to cook. chillies, nasi lemaks, etc. my mum's good at those. heck i even want to make kaya! indonesian kaya's lovely. :)
..which rather unpleasantly reminds me: someone asked me 'do you know what he needs?' and proceeded to answer, 'he needs a good housewife. he's looking for a partner by the way, and he needs a good housewife.'
...how did she know i don't know how to clean up after myself? just because i don't dedicate a day of the week to clean my clothes and house means i don't? how did she know that, even? i hadn't told her anything.
i bet she weren't born with those skills, nor inclination, neither. i bet she wasn't born with recipes in her head, as well. heck. so she knew me huh. i bet she did. we spoke on msn!
but ah well. who's to say what? i was judged. she didn't and doesn't matter. someone else did.
all she would say was 'you aren't compatible.' so she was? so we broke up because of that? hardly. it was because of jealousy.
so they complemented each other more than we did? because she let him have his ways? accepting him 'unconditionally'? when's he going to improve, then? and if they were so good for each other, why'd i happen, then?
because she was away? because it was 'a test' and he failed?
and don't ever try to tell me what my definition of love should be. you take care of your own definitions, save them for someone who cares and wants to believe the same as you. if i didn't ask to be convinced, keep it. if i asked for opinion and you gave it, i'd gladly listen, for i had asked. ramming it down my throat doesn't work. hell - it doesn't work with anyone.
please don't presume your idea of love is more correct than mine because you'd been with someone i was with; or that you've had a few more years' worth of sagginess than what i will have.
and don't presume that i will be alright with your hand on his leg when your boyfriend's not around and when i'm around. were you playing with me? when you knew how i would react?
i mean, what's the meaning of your telling me, 'don't trust men completely?' back then?
so you were hurt by him and you wanted to keep me from giving him my all? what's the point in a relationship otherwise? maybe i was foolish not to take your advice. but when i love i love. your holding back is selfishness. then again, maybe i'm foolish.
i don't know.
..maybe men do stray even when they promise not to. maybe promises were made so they may be broken. whatever it is, i'm not sorry i took him away. he's a good thing. you had your troubles, we had ours. good for you that you are good friends now. whether you're really a good friend - i hope i'm truly prejudiced and you are the good friend you profess yourself to be.
take care of him, bitch. you've got his ears, but don't ever let me hear that you've wrecked him.
..then again, he's a grown man, he can take care of himself.
heh. men. maybe even when they say they try to be brutally frank they still lie. i hope yours won't lie to you.
having said that, though, women aren't much better.
but i'm glad to say.. that i hadn't listened to anyone who offered advice on my relationship, other than ones that will help it. friends or no, it's my business. i chose him.
..maybe i went too far, maybe he was just too keen to say buh-bye each time there was an issue raised towards the end.
so it's now truly buh-bye. i had begged, cried, explained, slapped, kissed, loved, hated, loved, hated, loved - everything. so i tried, so i tried.
i'm just glad, that i've stopped being scared of my phone, whether anyone's tone is pretty or ugly; whether i'd be disappointed if it weren't someone i was looking forward to hear from; whether he's going to call; whether he'll tell me he misses me.
i'm just glad i'm able to eat more these days, to see who i had become and still retain my old self and regenerate, to laugh and smile and love being alive each day again. things are happening to me, for me, with me. i'm just glad i have learnt the golden idea of agreeing to disagree and leave it at that. pandora's box was opened and shut in a twinkling of an eye, now that i know that topic's a pandora's box i'm not going to open it again until i have to.
..and 'having' to broach a subject is often avoidable.. unless we're talking hey-honey-i'm-pregnant-kinda-sorta-well-yeah kinda unavoidable.
people are here, still. the unpleasant one is gone, thankfully. quite a few of the crew also disappeared, though i'm rather disappointed at that. they're cool. but then they're more his friends than they are mine, so it figures. loyalty comes into play as well, doesn't it. pity, i truly liked them, even the awkward one. heh. no perfection in life, but then who is?
nothing much's changed, save i had taken two steps backwards from this destructive relationship. if i were to ever get back to it again, i'll know what to do. full armour this time! heh.
but if not, i'll still have that armour on for the next one. :) the next one, be it old or new, will not be destructive. my relationships shall never be destructive again, for i've learnt now to recognise it and do something about it.
no more oh i-love-you-so-much-it-hurts kinda love. live and let live as i'd been doing. clean slates, no chance of people misunderstanding my intentions anymore. if they don't go, i will. take that damned break. or breaks. if it ensures our safe coming back together again, i'll take those breaks.
for absence makes the heart grow fonder. the real kind.
it wasn't fantastic but it was my virgin trip there, and it was enough to make me appreciate why people love glamour.
no wonder people like gisele bundtchen (is that how it's spelt?) and kate moss got them monies! ..though i don't quite get how katie baby can get those deals. i mean, she's scrawny.
met up with susan and jenn, too. had a great time hanging out with them; missed them!
heck it felt good not doing anything; had coffee/milk at starbucks, walking about, shopping with them, reminiscing about the past, where we went, what we used to do and realising with a little horror how much time'd gone by and in no time we'd be old fogies hobbling about with walking sticks!
it had been good to meet up. to have tea, cake, dessert, food, etc. it's wonderful how we can take the time out to meet up, esp su and jenn. i'm glad we served as a thankful break for them!
that's what's important in life: taking the time to do something with people that are important to us; to have fun, even if it were a scant half an hour (thereabouts. thanks jenn, for coming out!) or half a day (thereabouts. su, it's great seeing you!) even if it were a whole damn day (thank you jas! for waiting in queue with me, for taking me to the fashion show, for being the jasmine that you are. love you!).
it's important to give each other space too, i suppose. in this case we have not much problems because we had all been rather busy (possibly save me haha) and meet-ups are always cheerful affairs.
..maybe.. if there's anything i learnt at all, it's that when a relationship, ANY relationship gets a little grouchy, part ways cheerfully and promise to meet up again. stay away for a while (if the issues's each other) and then meet again. this is the true absence makes the heart grow fonder. :)
met up with my mother after, and had her resew my button on my shirt for me. it's so nice to see her and have her about. :) ..coming to think of it, i should keep a set of needles and threads at home. i can do all of that myself, it's not like i don't know how to resew buttons back (took lessons from mum, hehe, after someone commented that i should learn how to). i might want to get a sewing machine to alter lengths of pants and shirts in the future.. that would save a great deal of money and trouble.
i'm going to learn how to cook as well. might have a flatmate,a girl, and maybe i can cook something and guinea pig her. lol! but truly, i want to learn how to cook. chillies, nasi lemaks, etc. my mum's good at those. heck i even want to make kaya! indonesian kaya's lovely. :)
..which rather unpleasantly reminds me: someone asked me 'do you know what he needs?' and proceeded to answer, 'he needs a good housewife. he's looking for a partner by the way, and he needs a good housewife.'
...how did she know i don't know how to clean up after myself? just because i don't dedicate a day of the week to clean my clothes and house means i don't? how did she know that, even? i hadn't told her anything.
i bet she weren't born with those skills, nor inclination, neither. i bet she wasn't born with recipes in her head, as well. heck. so she knew me huh. i bet she did. we spoke on msn!
but ah well. who's to say what? i was judged. she didn't and doesn't matter. someone else did.
all she would say was 'you aren't compatible.' so she was? so we broke up because of that? hardly. it was because of jealousy.
so they complemented each other more than we did? because she let him have his ways? accepting him 'unconditionally'? when's he going to improve, then? and if they were so good for each other, why'd i happen, then?
because she was away? because it was 'a test' and he failed?
and don't ever try to tell me what my definition of love should be. you take care of your own definitions, save them for someone who cares and wants to believe the same as you. if i didn't ask to be convinced, keep it. if i asked for opinion and you gave it, i'd gladly listen, for i had asked. ramming it down my throat doesn't work. hell - it doesn't work with anyone.
please don't presume your idea of love is more correct than mine because you'd been with someone i was with; or that you've had a few more years' worth of sagginess than what i will have.
and don't presume that i will be alright with your hand on his leg when your boyfriend's not around and when i'm around. were you playing with me? when you knew how i would react?
i mean, what's the meaning of your telling me, 'don't trust men completely?' back then?
so you were hurt by him and you wanted to keep me from giving him my all? what's the point in a relationship otherwise? maybe i was foolish not to take your advice. but when i love i love. your holding back is selfishness. then again, maybe i'm foolish.
i don't know.
..maybe men do stray even when they promise not to. maybe promises were made so they may be broken. whatever it is, i'm not sorry i took him away. he's a good thing. you had your troubles, we had ours. good for you that you are good friends now. whether you're really a good friend - i hope i'm truly prejudiced and you are the good friend you profess yourself to be.
take care of him, bitch. you've got his ears, but don't ever let me hear that you've wrecked him.
..then again, he's a grown man, he can take care of himself.
heh. men. maybe even when they say they try to be brutally frank they still lie. i hope yours won't lie to you.
having said that, though, women aren't much better.
but i'm glad to say.. that i hadn't listened to anyone who offered advice on my relationship, other than ones that will help it. friends or no, it's my business. i chose him.
..maybe i went too far, maybe he was just too keen to say buh-bye each time there was an issue raised towards the end.
so it's now truly buh-bye. i had begged, cried, explained, slapped, kissed, loved, hated, loved, hated, loved - everything. so i tried, so i tried.
i'm just glad, that i've stopped being scared of my phone, whether anyone's tone is pretty or ugly; whether i'd be disappointed if it weren't someone i was looking forward to hear from; whether he's going to call; whether he'll tell me he misses me.
i'm just glad i'm able to eat more these days, to see who i had become and still retain my old self and regenerate, to laugh and smile and love being alive each day again. things are happening to me, for me, with me. i'm just glad i have learnt the golden idea of agreeing to disagree and leave it at that. pandora's box was opened and shut in a twinkling of an eye, now that i know that topic's a pandora's box i'm not going to open it again until i have to.
..and 'having' to broach a subject is often avoidable.. unless we're talking hey-honey-i'm-pregnant-kinda-sorta-well-yeah kinda unavoidable.
people are here, still. the unpleasant one is gone, thankfully. quite a few of the crew also disappeared, though i'm rather disappointed at that. they're cool. but then they're more his friends than they are mine, so it figures. loyalty comes into play as well, doesn't it. pity, i truly liked them, even the awkward one. heh. no perfection in life, but then who is?
nothing much's changed, save i had taken two steps backwards from this destructive relationship. if i were to ever get back to it again, i'll know what to do. full armour this time! heh.
but if not, i'll still have that armour on for the next one. :) the next one, be it old or new, will not be destructive. my relationships shall never be destructive again, for i've learnt now to recognise it and do something about it.
no more oh i-love-you-so-much-it-hurts kinda love. live and let live as i'd been doing. clean slates, no chance of people misunderstanding my intentions anymore. if they don't go, i will. take that damned break. or breaks. if it ensures our safe coming back together again, i'll take those breaks.
for absence makes the heart grow fonder. the real kind.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
equilibrium
i finally see equilibrium.
i love simon, i still do. whether or not he loves me, that's fine. i suppose i'm still hurting, but i'm finding my peace. heh. it's been what, almost three weeks now? or has it been four? felt like eons.
guess it's not that bad a record, to find equilibrium again in a few weeks' time for something rather major.
if he comes back, great; we've found each others' warts and good points, we'll be stronger. i don't doubt we can last, then.
but if he doesn't, alright. a pity, for i see how it similar it is with his ex and him. if she had agreed to return to him i bet they'd be married by now. i still haven't exactly 'found someone' yet, for i hadn't met him at all as of yet; and a part of me is hoping, that he'd see and say, let's give it another shot.
maybe, maybe.
mm. he seems a little awkward about me today. i wonder why. made me wonder what'd i do.
i love simon, i still do. whether or not he loves me, that's fine. i suppose i'm still hurting, but i'm finding my peace. heh. it's been what, almost three weeks now? or has it been four? felt like eons.
guess it's not that bad a record, to find equilibrium again in a few weeks' time for something rather major.
if he comes back, great; we've found each others' warts and good points, we'll be stronger. i don't doubt we can last, then.
but if he doesn't, alright. a pity, for i see how it similar it is with his ex and him. if she had agreed to return to him i bet they'd be married by now. i still haven't exactly 'found someone' yet, for i hadn't met him at all as of yet; and a part of me is hoping, that he'd see and say, let's give it another shot.
maybe, maybe.
mm. he seems a little awkward about me today. i wonder why. made me wonder what'd i do.
Friday, March 25, 2005
decided.
i will grow my hair. i will grow my fringe. i will use mascara on dates. i will use lipstick. i will use powders and blushers.
i will cease to be the girl i am and be a woman.
..shortly.
i will cease to be the girl i am and be a woman.
..shortly.
misreadings..
Ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold
My wife just hasn't been the same ohh baby, nooo
When I looked into your eyes the moment that I let you go
I just broke down (down)
..read this from a close friend's blog. and misread the second line.
bah. why'd 'my wife' not be the same since someone leaves???
My wife just hasn't been the same ohh baby, nooo
When I looked into your eyes the moment that I let you go
I just broke down (down)
..read this from a close friend's blog. and misread the second line.
bah. why'd 'my wife' not be the same since someone leaves???
toulia
this is possibly it.
if this is the one i'll have simon to thank. it happened to germaine, too. once she broke up with him she found tommy.
maybe, simony, you're simply the last wrong one before the right one. may you find the right one, soon.
if this is the one i'll have simon to thank. it happened to germaine, too. once she broke up with him she found tommy.
maybe, simony, you're simply the last wrong one before the right one. may you find the right one, soon.
meaning something.
weekends mean something only when you're working.
sometimes.. it's better to be poor so it means something when you get a raise, when you get a discount coupon.
it somehow means less when you don't feel the pinch.
perceived value, perhaps?
sometimes.. it's better to be poor so it means something when you get a raise, when you get a discount coupon.
it somehow means less when you don't feel the pinch.
perceived value, perhaps?
home
by micheal buble
Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me
Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me
Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
cynicism, stolen from another blog
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Then again.. a phase kept repeating in my mind
..... anyone is dispensible - no one is indispensible ... ReMeMbEr?...
This is from my sister's blog..
i remember i've said this before, to the man that i guess i'll never want to see again.. telling him that leaving to japan with his girlfren (then) should be a good choice if he really loved her.. and that it wasn't his fault he wasn't ard when i was goin thru a break up..
Because no one can be there for anyone forever..
yet, in a way, everyone hopes that there's someone there for them 24-7. That they will have someone to fall back upon, to turn to for advice, to have a shoulder to cry on, to have someone to share your joy.. Someone special.. Specially there for you, that he or she is that special someone that exists to complement your existence..
i guess it's highly cynical to say that that is just made-belief - that a person, a special someone is on earth destined to be your partner, your other half.
somehow i can agree with the cynical view. how can you say that there's a person that is specially destined to be with you when you talk about accomodation, acceptance in a relationship, about external pressure? Love has proven to be secondary to alot of things, love does not conquer all.
If he or she is the special someone, why isn't he or she made jus right to complement my character, my background, my beliefs?
numbness sets in..
wat is it like to fall in love again? to find that a certain person did not reply my msg and fret over it? to feel sad jus because he did not reply me? to go out of your way just to make him happy, so that you'll derive happiness from that? to have someone else's interests before yours? to be prepared to give everything you have, just so that you believe "this is it, this is my destination"? to hold on patiently, waiting for him to just realise how much you love him? to make things that are totally impractical and takes up space, knowing that he'll appreciate it and not treat it as rubbish? to spend a bomb on fone bill because you msg him the min you wake up, right before you sleep and punctuate your day with stupid msges that ranges from "hey i'm on my way to school" to "hey, i'm having lunch now, rem to eat" as if a grown man has no idea wat is hunger? To say things that are totally obvious but jus show that you care? to sit and stare at each other and think that tt's the best thing that can happen to you?
basically, things that you do, to expose urself to possible risks of getting hurt.
things that you warn urself not to do, keep away from, just so that history doesn't repeats itself..
i cry for myself, my tears to pity myself. because of the kind of person i've become.. it's not that i cannot love.. the thoughts have influence the actions.. that perhaps certain things are just not worth brooding over..
if he doesn't call, i'll jus do my things.. the kind of anger, the degree of rejection that i used to feel is significantly lesser.. to the point i start to question, then is this love?
the first reaction to his lack of response is still anger, rejection - but my head starts to take over.. i walk away, i stop myself from getting angry. sometimes it jus feels like being indifferent..
erjie: you said that i was trapped in the past, unsure of the future..
Trapped in the past? i'm not sure. because i dun really think about him, when i do, i jus push the idea away. he still comes to mind once in a while.. i still wish to msg him, but i dun anymore. i guess this is when people say you get used to the pain after some time - instead of time healing you. you think of him often enough such that now, in a lesser frequency, i consider myself on the road of recovery? i tell myself i dunwan to know what you're doing, what's happening at your end, don't wanna know how you're coping.. ironically, when i think of all these, ain't i thinking of the very same things i tell myself not to?
actually today's entry is about nothing. sorry for spending your time reading nothing..
i just feel... mixed up..
i feel suppressed, always stopping myself from feeling some emotions before i do.. i want to be able to wail, to laugh out loud, to think of things that i want to think, to miss a person i want to miss, to hate, to love, to be the young bold me again..
to wail, to laugh -about wat?
to think of things that i wanna think about - wat exactly do you wanna think about?
to miss a person that i want to miss - what good does it do to you?
to hate, to love - where does that bring you...
young bold me-once you have crossed the threshold, you'll never find the old you again, no matter how hard you try..
Then again.. a phase kept repeating in my mind
..... anyone is dispensible - no one is indispensible ... ReMeMbEr?...
This is from my sister's blog..
i remember i've said this before, to the man that i guess i'll never want to see again.. telling him that leaving to japan with his girlfren (then) should be a good choice if he really loved her.. and that it wasn't his fault he wasn't ard when i was goin thru a break up..
Because no one can be there for anyone forever..
yet, in a way, everyone hopes that there's someone there for them 24-7. That they will have someone to fall back upon, to turn to for advice, to have a shoulder to cry on, to have someone to share your joy.. Someone special.. Specially there for you, that he or she is that special someone that exists to complement your existence..
i guess it's highly cynical to say that that is just made-belief - that a person, a special someone is on earth destined to be your partner, your other half.
somehow i can agree with the cynical view. how can you say that there's a person that is specially destined to be with you when you talk about accomodation, acceptance in a relationship, about external pressure? Love has proven to be secondary to alot of things, love does not conquer all.
If he or she is the special someone, why isn't he or she made jus right to complement my character, my background, my beliefs?
numbness sets in..
wat is it like to fall in love again? to find that a certain person did not reply my msg and fret over it? to feel sad jus because he did not reply me? to go out of your way just to make him happy, so that you'll derive happiness from that? to have someone else's interests before yours? to be prepared to give everything you have, just so that you believe "this is it, this is my destination"? to hold on patiently, waiting for him to just realise how much you love him? to make things that are totally impractical and takes up space, knowing that he'll appreciate it and not treat it as rubbish? to spend a bomb on fone bill because you msg him the min you wake up, right before you sleep and punctuate your day with stupid msges that ranges from "hey i'm on my way to school" to "hey, i'm having lunch now, rem to eat" as if a grown man has no idea wat is hunger? To say things that are totally obvious but jus show that you care? to sit and stare at each other and think that tt's the best thing that can happen to you?
basically, things that you do, to expose urself to possible risks of getting hurt.
things that you warn urself not to do, keep away from, just so that history doesn't repeats itself..
i cry for myself, my tears to pity myself. because of the kind of person i've become.. it's not that i cannot love.. the thoughts have influence the actions.. that perhaps certain things are just not worth brooding over..
if he doesn't call, i'll jus do my things.. the kind of anger, the degree of rejection that i used to feel is significantly lesser.. to the point i start to question, then is this love?
the first reaction to his lack of response is still anger, rejection - but my head starts to take over.. i walk away, i stop myself from getting angry. sometimes it jus feels like being indifferent..
erjie: you said that i was trapped in the past, unsure of the future..
Trapped in the past? i'm not sure. because i dun really think about him, when i do, i jus push the idea away. he still comes to mind once in a while.. i still wish to msg him, but i dun anymore. i guess this is when people say you get used to the pain after some time - instead of time healing you. you think of him often enough such that now, in a lesser frequency, i consider myself on the road of recovery? i tell myself i dunwan to know what you're doing, what's happening at your end, don't wanna know how you're coping.. ironically, when i think of all these, ain't i thinking of the very same things i tell myself not to?
actually today's entry is about nothing. sorry for spending your time reading nothing..
i just feel... mixed up..
i feel suppressed, always stopping myself from feeling some emotions before i do.. i want to be able to wail, to laugh out loud, to think of things that i want to think, to miss a person i want to miss, to hate, to love, to be the young bold me again..
to wail, to laugh -about wat?
to think of things that i wanna think about - wat exactly do you wanna think about?
to miss a person that i want to miss - what good does it do to you?
to hate, to love - where does that bring you...
young bold me-once you have crossed the threshold, you'll never find the old you again, no matter how hard you try..
possible thoughts
i had spoken to someone just a few minutes ago, he was in the same boat as i: heartbroken.
when i heard his story - it sure seems like he's been falling for the wrong people. when i suggested that he promptly walked out of my house and went home. as i found out from him while he waited for my bloody slow lift, he had heard that same bit from quite a few people.
so what does it lead to?
maybe he's heard this so many times on top of his heartache - it doesn't help matters?
i guess i know how it feels. back then, the world was gray, despite the fact that the damn sun's shining and the pigeons still bloody fly about and expel shit bombs against life at large - and when i spoke to friends, they told me what i did wrong.
heck, i was heartbroken and all you can tell me is that i'm wrong?
this might be the thoughts in his mind...
thanks, i'm sure you know this will pass and i'm sure you can see what's 'wrong' but hey, sometimes i just need you to stand on my side. and that's different from being with me and telling me that i'm wrong.
sometimes 'get over it lah' just doesn't cut it. in fact, i'd felt so outraged each time i hear it that i could start by slapping the skin off the speaker's face to end with grinding up your bones to powder and then putting them into a fire to burn them to a stinking cloud.
i'd rather you don't speak, if all you're going to do is to stomp on me further.
i need support. not hear what could be right, because things aren't right right now.
when i heard his story - it sure seems like he's been falling for the wrong people. when i suggested that he promptly walked out of my house and went home. as i found out from him while he waited for my bloody slow lift, he had heard that same bit from quite a few people.
so what does it lead to?
maybe he's heard this so many times on top of his heartache - it doesn't help matters?
i guess i know how it feels. back then, the world was gray, despite the fact that the damn sun's shining and the pigeons still bloody fly about and expel shit bombs against life at large - and when i spoke to friends, they told me what i did wrong.
heck, i was heartbroken and all you can tell me is that i'm wrong?
this might be the thoughts in his mind...
thanks, i'm sure you know this will pass and i'm sure you can see what's 'wrong' but hey, sometimes i just need you to stand on my side. and that's different from being with me and telling me that i'm wrong.
sometimes 'get over it lah' just doesn't cut it. in fact, i'd felt so outraged each time i hear it that i could start by slapping the skin off the speaker's face to end with grinding up your bones to powder and then putting them into a fire to burn them to a stinking cloud.
i'd rather you don't speak, if all you're going to do is to stomp on me further.
i need support. not hear what could be right, because things aren't right right now.
cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
by guns and roses
A child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch,
and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away,
and he was
Talkin' 'fore I knew it,
and as he grew, he said:
I'm gonna be like you, dad,
You know I'm gonna be like you
And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then.
My son turned ten just the other day,
he said
Thanks for the ball, dad,
come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw,
I said not today,
I got a lot to do,
he said that's okay
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed,
he said
I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him.
And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then
You know we'll have a good time then.
Well he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son I'm proud of you,
can we sit for a while?
He shook his head, and said, with a smile
What I'd really like, dad,
is to borrow the car keys
See ya later, can I have them please?
And the cat's in the cradle,
and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then.
I've long since retired,
my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day.
I said, I'd like to see you,
if you don't mind, he said
I'd love to, dad,
if I could find the time.
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids got the flu
But it's been sure nice talkin' to you, yeah
Sure nice talkin' to you.
And as I hung up the phone it occured to me,
He'd grown up just like me, yeah.
My boy was just like me.
And the cat's in the cradle,
and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then
A child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch,
and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away,
and he was
Talkin' 'fore I knew it,
and as he grew, he said:
I'm gonna be like you, dad,
You know I'm gonna be like you
And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then.
My son turned ten just the other day,
he said
Thanks for the ball, dad,
come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw,
I said not today,
I got a lot to do,
he said that's okay
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed,
he said
I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him.
And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then
You know we'll have a good time then.
Well he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son I'm proud of you,
can we sit for a while?
He shook his head, and said, with a smile
What I'd really like, dad,
is to borrow the car keys
See ya later, can I have them please?
And the cat's in the cradle,
and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then.
I've long since retired,
my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day.
I said, I'd like to see you,
if you don't mind, he said
I'd love to, dad,
if I could find the time.
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids got the flu
But it's been sure nice talkin' to you, yeah
Sure nice talkin' to you.
And as I hung up the phone it occured to me,
He'd grown up just like me, yeah.
My boy was just like me.
And the cat's in the cradle,
and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, son,
I don't know when
But we'll have a good time then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then
meaningless existence?
hmm. someone close wrote, 'If no one in the world needs you. And you are not essential to anything. What is the point of living?'
that made me think. i had felt like that for a time, a while back.
and in the end, there were many who cared and many who gave more than a damn.
but of course, if you were an orphan and you're hated and suchlike - your existence is far from meaningless. what can be more meaningful than making others' lives hard and showing them what they don't want to be? hated yes, but meaningless..?
hardly.
once you exist, you will not be simply 'meaningless'. worse so if you actually mean something to someone.
that made me think. i had felt like that for a time, a while back.
and in the end, there were many who cared and many who gave more than a damn.
but of course, if you were an orphan and you're hated and suchlike - your existence is far from meaningless. what can be more meaningful than making others' lives hard and showing them what they don't want to be? hated yes, but meaningless..?
hardly.
once you exist, you will not be simply 'meaningless'. worse so if you actually mean something to someone.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
resilience
wow.
it looks like i'm quite resilient. episodes of madness strike me and i'm reduced to questioning and tears - but a while later i'm alright again. like a ball, almost.
then again, sometimes people argue, oei you're not what!
well.. :) you're right as well. so am i strong or weak? am i being crazy or am i actually strong? resilient or unstable?
it's up to you to think, no?
i know what i am to me.
it looks like i'm quite resilient. episodes of madness strike me and i'm reduced to questioning and tears - but a while later i'm alright again. like a ball, almost.
then again, sometimes people argue, oei you're not what!
well.. :) you're right as well. so am i strong or weak? am i being crazy or am i actually strong? resilient or unstable?
it's up to you to think, no?
i know what i am to me.
tis the season of them break-ups
i noticed that this is the season of breakups.
quite a few people about me called it quits, when they had been together for some years already. reports of divorces came out, the numbers weren't anything to laugh about.
what is it, about these few months? astrological placements that caused all of these? or maybe this is simply the times that we realise that while we 'love the person we don't like him/her'?
and finally decided to call it quits?
what's caused all of these, anyway? was there some muss-up? a major 'let's pair with the wrong partners so we know who the right ones are' that just ended?
was that an 'age' of self-discovery? to find 'the wrong one' so the next one will be 'the right one'?
i can almost laugh at this theory.
man.. i feel like i'd fallen off some cliff somewhere and survived - and had to bloody walk back to the hospital somewhere 500 fucking miles down.
but hey, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. i've my fair share of hard knocks, this is a first trip down to the metaphorical hospital; maybe i will know the way better in the future.
what's the bad thing about living fast and dying young? at least i had a good time.
and damn, what a way to go!
quite a few people about me called it quits, when they had been together for some years already. reports of divorces came out, the numbers weren't anything to laugh about.
what is it, about these few months? astrological placements that caused all of these? or maybe this is simply the times that we realise that while we 'love the person we don't like him/her'?
and finally decided to call it quits?
what's caused all of these, anyway? was there some muss-up? a major 'let's pair with the wrong partners so we know who the right ones are' that just ended?
was that an 'age' of self-discovery? to find 'the wrong one' so the next one will be 'the right one'?
i can almost laugh at this theory.
man.. i feel like i'd fallen off some cliff somewhere and survived - and had to bloody walk back to the hospital somewhere 500 fucking miles down.
but hey, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. i've my fair share of hard knocks, this is a first trip down to the metaphorical hospital; maybe i will know the way better in the future.
what's the bad thing about living fast and dying young? at least i had a good time.
and damn, what a way to go!
i wish
i wish i'd never known. i wish i never knew.
i wish i had no heart, i wish i never knew how to feel. i wish i never knew happiness, for then i wouldn't know pain. i'd rather not feel.
'i'd rather not feel,' someone said to me.
silly, isn't it. to wish so.
people say it's good to fly and fall - better than having walked and never soared. maybe i'm scared to ever take wing again.
for i'd found a nest. it's empty now, i'm trying to leave. but i'd left my heart in it.
i wonder, how many hearts do i have?
what if someone else took my nest? ..but it's an empty nest. and my heart's always with me.
it is an empty nest. but why am i still here?
dare i still wait for his return?
i wish i had no heart, i wish i never knew how to feel. i wish i never knew happiness, for then i wouldn't know pain. i'd rather not feel.
'i'd rather not feel,' someone said to me.
silly, isn't it. to wish so.
people say it's good to fly and fall - better than having walked and never soared. maybe i'm scared to ever take wing again.
for i'd found a nest. it's empty now, i'm trying to leave. but i'd left my heart in it.
i wonder, how many hearts do i have?
what if someone else took my nest? ..but it's an empty nest. and my heart's always with me.
it is an empty nest. but why am i still here?
dare i still wait for his return?
thick and thin
you said we'd go through thick and thin together, i said i'd stick by you. you said you'd take my bad temper and i said i'll try to change.
you said you'll quit smoking and i accepted, all three times of it. until you said you won't quit, i accepted, still.
"i'd stick by you," i'd said.
i said i want to cook for you, take care of us, you said it's a good idea. and i had learnt; you ate my food eagerly, regardless it wasn't that good, and a little too salty. i was happy, i wanted to be.
times spent in your arms, times spent in mine. all those time lost in your mind. or are they?
do you remember, the times when i sang to you?
do you recall, the songs you sang when words failed you? do you remember the time when you danced for me, in your room with me as your giggly audience?
i still miss you baby, i still do.
and what's changed?
you said you'll quit smoking and i accepted, all three times of it. until you said you won't quit, i accepted, still.
"i'd stick by you," i'd said.
i said i want to cook for you, take care of us, you said it's a good idea. and i had learnt; you ate my food eagerly, regardless it wasn't that good, and a little too salty. i was happy, i wanted to be.
times spent in your arms, times spent in mine. all those time lost in your mind. or are they?
do you remember, the times when i sang to you?
do you recall, the songs you sang when words failed you? do you remember the time when you danced for me, in your room with me as your giggly audience?
i still miss you baby, i still do.
and what's changed?
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
yaaaaaaaaargh!!! me xena, you simon!! :D
| Barbarian You scored 0 Holy, 0 Tactful, 62 Natural, and 30 Arcane! |
| You sir or ma'am, are a terror to behold. Ruthless and guileless, unprincipled and unrestrained, you feel that obstacles are best reduced to rubble regardless of whether the obstacle be a door, a law, or a person. Little patience, and even less foresight, you are a formidible enemy, but you can easily be outmanuevered. You're great if you have people that can direct your energies, but I wouldn't suggest going it alone even if you CAN singlehandedly take on the entire enemy force. Find a rogue or a wizard that you can trust (good luck with that) to make sure that you *should* first. |
 |
| My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender :
|
| Link: The Which D & D Class am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid |
questions rephrased
people often ask when wronged, 'do you even know me?'
what they should be asking is, 'do i know you?'
what they should be asking is, 'do i know you?'
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Saturday, March 19, 2005
nothing interesting
i had gone online to visit a certain blog.
hardly anything interesting. that girl's worn out her novelty, somehow, and her arrogance shows.
then again, maybe she doesn't know how to handle. heh.
i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. so that's good.
hardly anything interesting. that girl's worn out her novelty, somehow, and her arrogance shows.
then again, maybe she doesn't know how to handle. heh.
i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. so that's good.
the fatigue
i couldn't much sleep last night. might've been the sweets i had. finally rested at 3, woke at 8:30.
thankfully i'm not very tired, just a little fatigued. just a little fatigued.
thankfully i'm not very tired, just a little fatigued. just a little fatigued.
Friday, March 18, 2005
a walk with love
i find that walks help me smile, they help me forget the things i want to forget.
walks help me live.
unmire me from the past and finally be in the present.
for a few hours, i was out, with company. each day, these few days, i was very lucky to have company.
was almost never alone. what can i say? i've a great support. :)
thank you; thank you so much for arranging meet-ups, for coming over to sit and laze, for listening to the radio and dancing with me, for eating instant noodles with me and not minding mugs of tap water, for messing about with art mediums, for teaching me how to flick cig ash into the ash tray in a male-conceived genteel manner (undoubtedly bad education but it was practical. nevermind that i'd stopped smoking, thank you, anyway. you were the only one to finally not tell me what i should be doing but let me do what i wanted. and taught me something useful while at it. thank you, i love you for it) for talking me out of suicide..
..for holding my hand, for holding me, for the walks on the beach, for telling me your troubles, for laughing at me, for making me see the hilarity of my situation and having me laugh about it, for kissing me when i couldn't stop crying, for holding me like you loved me, like i mattered, like it hurt you to see me like this when i was drowning in my own tears on your pillow.
thank you for the emails, for the letters that kept me grounded, for the advice, for making me believe the future will be better. i had clutched at those on certain nights and certain mornings before the sun had risen, knowing that you would cry if i were gone.
thank you, for anchoring me, for letting me cling on to you like a cat scared of the tub, during the unholiest hours of the night, for staying up and praying with me, for not complaining even when it's a tough time for you. thank you, too, for discouraging my swirling thoughts of prince love, encouraging me when you know i cannot be deterred from wanting to try. thank you for accepting my weakness, for liking my being, for giving me attention when it feels like the sun in my life suddenly lost its battery life.
thank you, for being the moon that shines for me during my darkest hours.
thank you, for loving me.
one love lost, many loves found, again. thank you, dear lovely friends, i am truly lucky to have you about.
i'm in the midst of standing up, i couldn't have done it without you. truly, dear friends, thank you.
walks help me live.
unmire me from the past and finally be in the present.
for a few hours, i was out, with company. each day, these few days, i was very lucky to have company.
was almost never alone. what can i say? i've a great support. :)
thank you; thank you so much for arranging meet-ups, for coming over to sit and laze, for listening to the radio and dancing with me, for eating instant noodles with me and not minding mugs of tap water, for messing about with art mediums, for teaching me how to flick cig ash into the ash tray in a male-conceived genteel manner (undoubtedly bad education but it was practical. nevermind that i'd stopped smoking, thank you, anyway. you were the only one to finally not tell me what i should be doing but let me do what i wanted. and taught me something useful while at it. thank you, i love you for it) for talking me out of suicide..
..for holding my hand, for holding me, for the walks on the beach, for telling me your troubles, for laughing at me, for making me see the hilarity of my situation and having me laugh about it, for kissing me when i couldn't stop crying, for holding me like you loved me, like i mattered, like it hurt you to see me like this when i was drowning in my own tears on your pillow.
thank you for the emails, for the letters that kept me grounded, for the advice, for making me believe the future will be better. i had clutched at those on certain nights and certain mornings before the sun had risen, knowing that you would cry if i were gone.
thank you, for anchoring me, for letting me cling on to you like a cat scared of the tub, during the unholiest hours of the night, for staying up and praying with me, for not complaining even when it's a tough time for you. thank you, too, for discouraging my swirling thoughts of prince love, encouraging me when you know i cannot be deterred from wanting to try. thank you for accepting my weakness, for liking my being, for giving me attention when it feels like the sun in my life suddenly lost its battery life.
thank you, for being the moon that shines for me during my darkest hours.
thank you, for loving me.
one love lost, many loves found, again. thank you, dear lovely friends, i am truly lucky to have you about.
i'm in the midst of standing up, i couldn't have done it without you. truly, dear friends, thank you.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
to a certain simon
thank you for the times we've had.
you made me realise what i want in a partner, what i don't want in my man.
you taught me how to change, when to say screw it and live my own life.
you let me see how a bad match can be, how a bad match can be good, as well.
thank you for the fears you put into my heart, for now they know the sweetness of peace and quiet.
thank you for the good times, for taking me places, for being smart and wise and easy-going and patient.
thank you for the bad ones, for teaching me how to love myself.
thank you for trying, thank you for your love.
you made me realise what i want in a partner, what i don't want in my man.
you taught me how to change, when to say screw it and live my own life.
you let me see how a bad match can be, how a bad match can be good, as well.
thank you for the fears you put into my heart, for now they know the sweetness of peace and quiet.
thank you for the good times, for taking me places, for being smart and wise and easy-going and patient.
thank you for the bad ones, for teaching me how to love myself.
thank you for trying, thank you for your love.
"for each one you get wrong...
"...you're one closer to the one you're going to get right."
a certain someone told me that just earlier. what wisdom in that.
never give it up. there are only so many wrongs before the rights come along.
a certain someone told me that just earlier. what wisdom in that.
never give it up. there are only so many wrongs before the rights come along.
the unexpecteds of life
good news happen, bad news happen, too.
thankfully life, like in DnD, killing an archon of good will bring about the awakening of a great evil, there are only so many bad things that can happen to you.
now something good is happening.
and he is coming over to singapore. to me.
nobody said life's easy, no one said life's going to be mundane. mine sure as hell isn't. things happen even when things aren't happening. i'm without a job right now, but things are happening for me.
i've god to thank for this.
for the change, for the stability, for the security, for the ins and outs of people in my life, whatnots.
may i be wise enough to recognise what works and what doesn't, may i be smart enough to make a choice; may i be strong enough to stick with the choices i make and lastly, may i be happy, be the ray of sunshine that i had set out to be long ago.
may i be that ray of sunshine still, so i may bring at least a sliver of light to the darker times.
thankfully life, like in DnD, killing an archon of good will bring about the awakening of a great evil, there are only so many bad things that can happen to you.
now something good is happening.
and he is coming over to singapore. to me.
nobody said life's easy, no one said life's going to be mundane. mine sure as hell isn't. things happen even when things aren't happening. i'm without a job right now, but things are happening for me.
i've god to thank for this.
for the change, for the stability, for the security, for the ins and outs of people in my life, whatnots.
may i be wise enough to recognise what works and what doesn't, may i be smart enough to make a choice; may i be strong enough to stick with the choices i make and lastly, may i be happy, be the ray of sunshine that i had set out to be long ago.
may i be that ray of sunshine still, so i may bring at least a sliver of light to the darker times.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
when you're in too deep..
..and you can't claw your way out..
here's what you do. get your attitude right back. i'm assuming you got yer own attitude that's unique to you. be it the old stubborn self or the arrogant prick that you were, be that.
stick with being yourself as hard as you need to wrap your own backbone to a fence - for those moments that bring you down will be plenty.
don't worry about falling back to the mould that you were - don't worry, for you can hardly change who you are inside.
package it, with ribbons and bows, but ultimately you are still who you are. it's merely how you present yourself that's the crux in the future.
but that's the future. maybe then you'd learn to shut up, smile and nod while walking away all the while thinking in your own head 'geez what a moron' - or not. either way, that's one of the ways to get over it.
who doesn't like himself when he's in his own element, comfortable?
might be a rotten hole but it's familiar. once you're out of the blue funk - change those fucked-up bad points of yours and get them the fuck out of your system.
as much as you can, of course.
one can only change so much in this much time. as long as you try, no one should fault you for being too damn slow.
as long as you tried.
me? i'd always been a rough-talker. insecure, aye, but i know my faults. sometimes they rear their ugly heads, them faults - i'm just stating two of my faults here, i got loads more - but the thing is that, as long as you're willing to try to change, what more can others ask of you?
self-recognition, self-acceptance and then, acceptance of others.
take your time, it's the only thing you have. take your chances, that's how you change and test yourself.
all in all, realise. and be fuckin' smart enough to want to change.
here's what you do. get your attitude right back. i'm assuming you got yer own attitude that's unique to you. be it the old stubborn self or the arrogant prick that you were, be that.
stick with being yourself as hard as you need to wrap your own backbone to a fence - for those moments that bring you down will be plenty.
don't worry about falling back to the mould that you were - don't worry, for you can hardly change who you are inside.
package it, with ribbons and bows, but ultimately you are still who you are. it's merely how you present yourself that's the crux in the future.
but that's the future. maybe then you'd learn to shut up, smile and nod while walking away all the while thinking in your own head 'geez what a moron' - or not. either way, that's one of the ways to get over it.
who doesn't like himself when he's in his own element, comfortable?
might be a rotten hole but it's familiar. once you're out of the blue funk - change those fucked-up bad points of yours and get them the fuck out of your system.
as much as you can, of course.
one can only change so much in this much time. as long as you try, no one should fault you for being too damn slow.
as long as you tried.
me? i'd always been a rough-talker. insecure, aye, but i know my faults. sometimes they rear their ugly heads, them faults - i'm just stating two of my faults here, i got loads more - but the thing is that, as long as you're willing to try to change, what more can others ask of you?
self-recognition, self-acceptance and then, acceptance of others.
take your time, it's the only thing you have. take your chances, that's how you change and test yourself.
all in all, realise. and be fuckin' smart enough to want to change.
things happen
sometimes things happen.
sometimes things don't.
sometimes it's fortunate, sometimes, well, not.
but then, who's to say? who's to judge? who can tell, save time?
then again, who cares about whether it's his/her right to judge or comment? freedom of speech? that sounds like what someone says when he/she refuses to pipe down.
'i must be heard! i must express!'
bah. what new age audacity.
sometimes things don't.
sometimes it's fortunate, sometimes, well, not.
but then, who's to say? who's to judge? who can tell, save time?
then again, who cares about whether it's his/her right to judge or comment? freedom of speech? that sounds like what someone says when he/she refuses to pipe down.
'i must be heard! i must express!'
bah. what new age audacity.
the glass window
sometimes people tend to stick their faces right on the glass windows, in order to catch a glimpse of something, someone - whatnot.
and when they do they get mersmerised and can't see anything else, most probably not the grime or dust that is on the glass window, for they had their eyes on the goods within the shop.
it is only when we move a couple of paces back that we may see what the shop's name is, what its unit number is. or you may have to move your eyes off the goods you're ogling at and look at the painted shopname higher above your head. either way you gotta take your eyes away from your beloved eye-candy.
then you take some more time examining whether this might be a good place to buy that something from.
all of that requires you to take that metaphorical step away.
and sometimes, that's what people need, in order to be sure.
there's no such thing as a step taken back means a step taken back; no steps may be taken ahead.
and when they do they get mersmerised and can't see anything else, most probably not the grime or dust that is on the glass window, for they had their eyes on the goods within the shop.
it is only when we move a couple of paces back that we may see what the shop's name is, what its unit number is. or you may have to move your eyes off the goods you're ogling at and look at the painted shopname higher above your head. either way you gotta take your eyes away from your beloved eye-candy.
then you take some more time examining whether this might be a good place to buy that something from.
all of that requires you to take that metaphorical step away.
and sometimes, that's what people need, in order to be sure.
there's no such thing as a step taken back means a step taken back; no steps may be taken ahead.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
proud to be me
my daily trial is ending.
another one awaits me to-morrow, and will last for about six hours.
pray, let me be what i once were: joyous, outrageous. i may have my zest for life again if i weren't tied down by anything, anyone. zest should be shared with people about me. love is what gives me zest. joyful love.
and i love life. life's been rough, but then so's everything else.
so tired of conflicts, of speaking. proving myself. ingratiation, to what end?
now i have the time to be me. truly. weak, strong, scared, wrong.
i am, i am, i am.
another one awaits me to-morrow, and will last for about six hours.
pray, let me be what i once were: joyous, outrageous. i may have my zest for life again if i weren't tied down by anything, anyone. zest should be shared with people about me. love is what gives me zest. joyful love.
and i love life. life's been rough, but then so's everything else.
so tired of conflicts, of speaking. proving myself. ingratiation, to what end?
now i have the time to be me. truly. weak, strong, scared, wrong.
i am, i am, i am.
penned.
as i dare to put thoughts down onto virtual parchment again, i think.
why does my heart shrink shockingly, like a child being surprised by another with a loud yell in the dark, each time i see a message from him?
why does my heart thump in fear and anxiety, each time i dial his number and wait for him to pick up, if he does, at all?
why does my heart become elated, when i see that his messages hold nothing hurtful, with nothing less?
as i told this to myself, i myself found the answer. i fear.
fear of his words, fear of his coldness, fear of his leaving, fear of my reactions. fear that my love would drive him away.
and indeed it has.
...these days i still fear the same things. but boldly enough, i look forward to receiving word from him. i never was a coward that way.
whatever words he had, whatever thoughts he had to say, i had the courage to hear them, no matter how they hurt, how they elated.
thus in a sense, it is acceptance of his thoughts and emotions.
maybe it is hard to see that, from another's point of view. i'll readily admit, it is hard trying to see what i see, know the reasons of what i do.
misunderstood, misread i am. made mistakes, made false steps, i had. explained, argued, feinted, lunged, but hardly side-stepped.
maybe i should have. not take it like a woman, but take it like a man.
learned now, i am. wiser then, i will be.
why does my heart shrink shockingly, like a child being surprised by another with a loud yell in the dark, each time i see a message from him?
why does my heart thump in fear and anxiety, each time i dial his number and wait for him to pick up, if he does, at all?
why does my heart become elated, when i see that his messages hold nothing hurtful, with nothing less?
as i told this to myself, i myself found the answer. i fear.
fear of his words, fear of his coldness, fear of his leaving, fear of my reactions. fear that my love would drive him away.
and indeed it has.
...these days i still fear the same things. but boldly enough, i look forward to receiving word from him. i never was a coward that way.
whatever words he had, whatever thoughts he had to say, i had the courage to hear them, no matter how they hurt, how they elated.
thus in a sense, it is acceptance of his thoughts and emotions.
maybe it is hard to see that, from another's point of view. i'll readily admit, it is hard trying to see what i see, know the reasons of what i do.
misunderstood, misread i am. made mistakes, made false steps, i had. explained, argued, feinted, lunged, but hardly side-stepped.
maybe i should have. not take it like a woman, but take it like a man.
learned now, i am. wiser then, i will be.
the taste of cinnamon
i find that i like the taste of cinnamon.
spicy and fragrant, the taste of it spreads from the tip of the tongue in a quick, sublime numbness, almost like an alcohol.
the aroma of it travels from the tongue to the nose, to be breathed out like incense.
it had been some time since i last tasted.
spicy and fragrant, the taste of it spreads from the tip of the tongue in a quick, sublime numbness, almost like an alcohol.
the aroma of it travels from the tongue to the nose, to be breathed out like incense.
it had been some time since i last tasted.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
wonderful day today
had a wonderful day today. i woke too early for my own good as usual, and had had the usual initial thoughts of that simon person. was having a hard time until i called a friend up - he was headed to jb and asked me along. and along i went, to jb, and back.
came home for a little bit to rest and got out again, for a wine-tasting session. it was great. learnt something over there, and got to know new people. and MAN one of them was cute!
too bad he's already got a fiance. she's good-looking, too. i wish them well, it's a lovely thing to be - married, in love, the works.
day ended very nicely and is going to be pleasant tomorrow again. hope simony's coping well, too.
came home for a little bit to rest and got out again, for a wine-tasting session. it was great. learnt something over there, and got to know new people. and MAN one of them was cute!
too bad he's already got a fiance. she's good-looking, too. i wish them well, it's a lovely thing to be - married, in love, the works.
day ended very nicely and is going to be pleasant tomorrow again. hope simony's coping well, too.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
getting out
hmm. i suppose this is a very good time to get out of it all.
both fatigued, numb. that's the best time to get out of it, for that's when the least you can feel. compared to the example that you may be blind-sided by a cheating partner, it is way better.
so alright, i'm thrust out into the world, for that bubble behind me's burst. there, again, it is. the world!
a little less warm than the air inside of the bubble, but definitely crisper. now i'm free to go wherever i want to, without fear of leaving my heart behind. especially when my heart's regenerating inside of me now. in nobody else's hands, but in my own good self.
feeling lucky, i am. for all these people about me, in my life.
and i celebrate my joyous return to the world.
amen.
both fatigued, numb. that's the best time to get out of it, for that's when the least you can feel. compared to the example that you may be blind-sided by a cheating partner, it is way better.
so alright, i'm thrust out into the world, for that bubble behind me's burst. there, again, it is. the world!
a little less warm than the air inside of the bubble, but definitely crisper. now i'm free to go wherever i want to, without fear of leaving my heart behind. especially when my heart's regenerating inside of me now. in nobody else's hands, but in my own good self.
feeling lucky, i am. for all these people about me, in my life.
and i celebrate my joyous return to the world.
amen.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
a date.
i went on a date today. it was great. :)
the man's a true man, older, matured. he's successful, a little lost, perhaps, but knows what he likes and does not like, and is able to articulate it.
walking with him is wonderful; he did as i asked.
we walked about with our arms about each others' waists, like we were the best of friends in the entire world.
he invited me to his place because he forgot his wallet, so i went and wow it's nice. had drinks: bombay saphire and tonic water, it was the first time i tasted anything like that. the combination was good, the company was light, no pressure, it was good.
he opened car doors for me, shows his affections, and is a gentleman.
now before you think i'm being flighty about what i said about never giving up - slow down.
i had called and asked my ex sweetie baby to come back, but he said he's lost the feeling.
goodness knows i tried. the only way i know how, i tried. you won't know the full extent of both our trying unless you'd been there with us, watched us. trust me, WE tried.
he has no more chances to give, i have no more chances to take. with him i mean.
so i went and took my chances elsewhere. :D
and what chances they are! thank heavens for people like that in the world.
thank heavens for the people who withdraw, so i know how to reach out. and thank heavens for the people who reach out, so i know how to hold on.
but back to the date - we did nothing much, he spoke, i listened; i spoke, he listened. and that was it.
i enjoyed the company immensely (might be the bombay saphire and tonic). i hope to see him again, soon.
the man's a true man, older, matured. he's successful, a little lost, perhaps, but knows what he likes and does not like, and is able to articulate it.
walking with him is wonderful; he did as i asked.
we walked about with our arms about each others' waists, like we were the best of friends in the entire world.
he invited me to his place because he forgot his wallet, so i went and wow it's nice. had drinks: bombay saphire and tonic water, it was the first time i tasted anything like that. the combination was good, the company was light, no pressure, it was good.
he opened car doors for me, shows his affections, and is a gentleman.
now before you think i'm being flighty about what i said about never giving up - slow down.
i had called and asked my ex sweetie baby to come back, but he said he's lost the feeling.
goodness knows i tried. the only way i know how, i tried. you won't know the full extent of both our trying unless you'd been there with us, watched us. trust me, WE tried.
he has no more chances to give, i have no more chances to take. with him i mean.
so i went and took my chances elsewhere. :D
and what chances they are! thank heavens for people like that in the world.
thank heavens for the people who withdraw, so i know how to reach out. and thank heavens for the people who reach out, so i know how to hold on.
but back to the date - we did nothing much, he spoke, i listened; i spoke, he listened. and that was it.
i enjoyed the company immensely (might be the bombay saphire and tonic). i hope to see him again, soon.
words
words i have. loads of them.
but then right now words are cheap. let me show how i can be instead of speaking about them.
believe in me.
because i don't know how to give up. i will not give up. i will not miss something that i had missed again. especially something beautiful, especially if that last major stone in my heart has been dropped that night.
pray, don't give up on me. i never gave up on you.
never did, never will.
but then right now words are cheap. let me show how i can be instead of speaking about them.
believe in me.
because i don't know how to give up. i will not give up. i will not miss something that i had missed again. especially something beautiful, especially if that last major stone in my heart has been dropped that night.
pray, don't give up on me. i never gave up on you.
never did, never will.
Monday, March 07, 2005
i read somewhere..
"it's amazing how much the trauma of a paradigm shift that a single sentence can cause.
doubt, shaking the foundations of personal reality.
i'm tired, so very tired.
re-examine self.
but first, sleeeeeeeep.
slumber.
am i a problem? instead of helping, but making bad shitz happen? shitz lol.
regen. regen. regen."
i read that in a friend's blog: http://www.livejournal.com/users/xenoflare/
my sentiments, similarly. doubts shaking the foundations of personal reality. wise friend, you found the words that eluded me.
re-examine self, re-examine self.
what a parrot i am! no dear friend, you're not a problem. you're far from that my wise friend. if anything, i'm the one. heh yeah. shitz.
you found the words that i didn't know how to speak.
doubt, shaking the foundations of personal reality.
i'm tired, so very tired.
re-examine self.
but first, sleeeeeeeep.
slumber.
am i a problem? instead of helping, but making bad shitz happen? shitz lol.
regen. regen. regen."
i read that in a friend's blog: http://www.livejournal.com/users/xenoflare/
my sentiments, similarly. doubts shaking the foundations of personal reality. wise friend, you found the words that eluded me.
re-examine self, re-examine self.
what a parrot i am! no dear friend, you're not a problem. you're far from that my wise friend. if anything, i'm the one. heh yeah. shitz.
you found the words that i didn't know how to speak.
no time!
there's no time to be unhappy!
no time to be blue
who would want to be near you
trust me, that be true
get over it little baby
cry then let it go
your heart was once a meadow
now it's turned all brown
be what you were before
the belle of the town
sometimes you can't hold a fire
for dear baby it goes out
the best way to love it
is not let it burn out
don't ask how the tigers grow
for they eat the lovely deer
for something to grow
something else must be veered
you must understand that now
for you wrote this very poem
fly and let fly; for you're an oasis
you shall never be dry
no time to be blue
who would want to be near you
trust me, that be true
get over it little baby
cry then let it go
your heart was once a meadow
now it's turned all brown
be what you were before
the belle of the town
sometimes you can't hold a fire
for dear baby it goes out
the best way to love it
is not let it burn out
don't ask how the tigers grow
for they eat the lovely deer
for something to grow
something else must be veered
you must understand that now
for you wrote this very poem
fly and let fly; for you're an oasis
you shall never be dry
words are all i have
smile an ever lasting smile
a smile can bring you near to me
don't ever let me find you gone
'cause that would bring a tear to me
this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
talk in ever lasting words
and dedicate them all to me
and I will give you all my life
i'm here if you should call to me
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da
this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
a smile can bring you near to me
don't ever let me find you gone
'cause that would bring a tear to me
this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
talk in ever lasting words
and dedicate them all to me
and I will give you all my life
i'm here if you should call to me
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da
this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away
Sunday, March 06, 2005
a whisper through the wall
i heard a whisper through the wall
it told me not to believe it awl
what ah'm hearin' ain't bein' sed
it really is comin' from mah hed
and so i blinked and listened harder
indeed the voice came from the plaster
but it said don't be afraid when
i tried to hide between the blanket and my bed
it continued talking in a smooth manner
like the devil coaxing someone to step on the slammer
but as i listened my eyes grew heavy
my book forgotten beside my teddy
the voice seemed not to notice
continued to talk and lit up an invisible cig
i got bothered by the smoke and chatter
maybe the voice'd notice and cease its banter
but no it didn't and continued smoking
it's cigarette and was happily smogging
and so i said, it's quite enough
if it didn't leave i would get rough
but it paid no attention and
i picked up my book
cracked it with force into the wall
the painting shook
the voice ran, i think
the smoke went, too
i went back to being sleepless
without my book
it told me not to believe it awl
what ah'm hearin' ain't bein' sed
it really is comin' from mah hed
and so i blinked and listened harder
indeed the voice came from the plaster
but it said don't be afraid when
i tried to hide between the blanket and my bed
it continued talking in a smooth manner
like the devil coaxing someone to step on the slammer
but as i listened my eyes grew heavy
my book forgotten beside my teddy
the voice seemed not to notice
continued to talk and lit up an invisible cig
i got bothered by the smoke and chatter
maybe the voice'd notice and cease its banter
but no it didn't and continued smoking
it's cigarette and was happily smogging
and so i said, it's quite enough
if it didn't leave i would get rough
but it paid no attention and
i picked up my book
cracked it with force into the wall
the painting shook
the voice ran, i think
the smoke went, too
i went back to being sleepless
without my book
even when
even when i'm not the other woman i am.
even when i'm being myself i'm wrong.
why don't you all take your shoes eat them.
even when i'm being myself i'm wrong.
why don't you all take your shoes eat them.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
the weekend
hey the weekend's here.
got blindsided by a friend whose opinions of me took a turn for the worse - it had been pretty good before.
i'm open to a tete-a-tete. problem is she won't talk.
i'm done trying to explain myself. i don't owe anybody that.
i'm certainly done with approaching people so they would take their self-righteous indignance out on me while i listen.
instead of me doing something about the world, it's time the world did something about me.
got blindsided by a friend whose opinions of me took a turn for the worse - it had been pretty good before.
i'm open to a tete-a-tete. problem is she won't talk.
i'm done trying to explain myself. i don't owe anybody that.
i'm certainly done with approaching people so they would take their self-righteous indignance out on me while i listen.
instead of me doing something about the world, it's time the world did something about me.
Friday, March 04, 2005
dream facts
hey check this out!
* Most dreams last anywhere from five to 20 minutes.
* People don't only dream in black and white, as was once believed.
* Even though they may not remember them, everyone dreams several times a night. In fact, during a typical lifetime, we spend about six years dreaming.
* People who have been blind from birth have dreams that are formed from their other senses (e.g., touch, smell, sound).
* When people are snoring, they're not dreaming.
* Elephants (and some other animals) sleep standing up during non-REM sleep, but lie down for REM sleep.
source: howstuffworks.com
..that means someone i know rarely dreams.
* Most dreams last anywhere from five to 20 minutes.
* People don't only dream in black and white, as was once believed.
* Even though they may not remember them, everyone dreams several times a night. In fact, during a typical lifetime, we spend about six years dreaming.
* People who have been blind from birth have dreams that are formed from their other senses (e.g., touch, smell, sound).
* When people are snoring, they're not dreaming.
* Elephants (and some other animals) sleep standing up during non-REM sleep, but lie down for REM sleep.
source: howstuffworks.com
..that means someone i know rarely dreams.
what men want
i read some where that It's okay with the girls to have an open relationship nowadays, funnily enough, it's the guys who seems to want to commit.
that's because men want what they can't have. when you do want to commit, they don't want you anymore.
hard to make sense of, harder to connect.
i guess the idea is to leave them be, if you feel that it's been long enough that you'd waited for him to speak up and take the relationship to a new level, say so.
if he refuses to get to a higher level with you, go.
never that easy, but how long would you wait for a man? or a woman, for that matter?
like one of the previous entries says: don't wait; for all too soon it slips through your fingers.
that's because men want what they can't have. when you do want to commit, they don't want you anymore.
hard to make sense of, harder to connect.
i guess the idea is to leave them be, if you feel that it's been long enough that you'd waited for him to speak up and take the relationship to a new level, say so.
if he refuses to get to a higher level with you, go.
never that easy, but how long would you wait for a man? or a woman, for that matter?
like one of the previous entries says: don't wait; for all too soon it slips through your fingers.
today
today is gonna be the day/
that i throw it all back to you/
by now you shoulda somehow/
realised what you gotta do/
and it's true.
sometimes you should've somehow realised what you gotta do.
that i throw it all back to you/
by now you shoulda somehow/
realised what you gotta do/
and it's true.
sometimes you should've somehow realised what you gotta do.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
mirror, mirror
there is nothing to look at in the mirror, for my beauty lies within me.
thus
judge not before i speak.
thus
judge not before i speak.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
God pulls his punches
that's partly why there are many people saved.
because he gives chances.
and i guess in a certain way.. he's setting an example. always, always give people a way out. always, always give them the chance to bow out.
because he gives chances.
and i guess in a certain way.. he's setting an example. always, always give people a way out. always, always give them the chance to bow out.
on not waiting.
i somehow sat in my chair today, and was something like a camera. i sat there.
and time passes.
i mean, fuck. time passes. the sun went down!
what'm i doing sitting here, doing finger exercise before the monitor?
all for the sake of marnee? aiya i don't earn much lah but i work from home which means i eat home and i drink home and i don't need purty clothes every day and i even save on transport.
so.. i suppose earning little isn't a biggie for me, thankfully.
but that's besides the issue. read an article on the newspapers earlier on - here's how it goes.
-----
no time for regrets.
the thick cables strained, a low whine filled the air, and out elevator car lurched. holding my son in my arms, i widened my stance to keep from falling.
unthinkingly, we looked up. we were climbing the Eiffel Tower, as the giant winch hauled us up above the clouds of paris.
across from me, an old woman scowled. her expensive trenchcoat was buttoned up to her sagging throat and a glorious shawl was pinned over one shoulder.
in her manicured hands she held a designer purse, and she shifted herself wearily against the open frid of the elevator car, adjusting her weight against the carved head of a mahogany walking cane.
i had first noticed her in Jules Verne restaurant, where we had eaten lunch. how out of place we seemed.
the legengary cuisine of Jules Verne had attracted my husband and me, and since we were traevlling en famille, we came with our two-year-old son.
we savoured each dish while juggling our busy tyke, in a dining room filled with international business people and elegant travellers from all over the globe.
a phalanx of waiters, looking curiously like penguins in their tuxedos, retrieved flying spoon and sullied napkinds as we struggled with our child at our table.
alas! my fantasy had been to dine with my husband alone, here on the mezzanine ofthe Eiffel Tower, in my best black dress, sipping champagne, and end the evening with a romantic toast to the sleeping City of Light.
finances and childcare, however, had not cooperated and i released my fantasy and stood there, holding a squirming infant and shrinking under the glare of an irritated matron.
i could imagine that our frivolity had ruined her lunch.
bringing out child to this elegant environment must have been deemed totally inappropriate. undoubtedly, as she had judgements about "those ugly Americans".
"how old is he?" her gaze centered on my squirming son.
i was taken aback. her voice was low and smouldering with a cultured European accent.
"he is 28 months old."
"oh," she grunted and turned her head to view the plaza below us.
then she turned and lifted her cane to point at my son.
"don't let him forget this day." she paused. "some of us wait too long. my husband and i always said we'd come to Paris. but first it was the children. then it was the business, and now..."
i leaned towards her. "now?"
her sagging eyes locked ionto my son's. hers a faint shade of blue, like blueberry stains in a sink. his were as green and crisp as the grass below us.
"now he is gone and i am here alone."
my husband pulled me close to him. my son giggled in delight.
"it's... hard to enjoy such beauty... alone," she sighed and wiped the back of her hand across her eyes as a small child would. then she looked away.
"seize the moment while you still have it. all too soon it slips through your fingers."
-----
and time passes.
i mean, fuck. time passes. the sun went down!
what'm i doing sitting here, doing finger exercise before the monitor?
all for the sake of marnee? aiya i don't earn much lah but i work from home which means i eat home and i drink home and i don't need purty clothes every day and i even save on transport.
so.. i suppose earning little isn't a biggie for me, thankfully.
but that's besides the issue. read an article on the newspapers earlier on - here's how it goes.
-----
no time for regrets.
the thick cables strained, a low whine filled the air, and out elevator car lurched. holding my son in my arms, i widened my stance to keep from falling.
unthinkingly, we looked up. we were climbing the Eiffel Tower, as the giant winch hauled us up above the clouds of paris.
across from me, an old woman scowled. her expensive trenchcoat was buttoned up to her sagging throat and a glorious shawl was pinned over one shoulder.
in her manicured hands she held a designer purse, and she shifted herself wearily against the open frid of the elevator car, adjusting her weight against the carved head of a mahogany walking cane.
i had first noticed her in Jules Verne restaurant, where we had eaten lunch. how out of place we seemed.
the legengary cuisine of Jules Verne had attracted my husband and me, and since we were traevlling en famille, we came with our two-year-old son.
we savoured each dish while juggling our busy tyke, in a dining room filled with international business people and elegant travellers from all over the globe.
a phalanx of waiters, looking curiously like penguins in their tuxedos, retrieved flying spoon and sullied napkinds as we struggled with our child at our table.
alas! my fantasy had been to dine with my husband alone, here on the mezzanine ofthe Eiffel Tower, in my best black dress, sipping champagne, and end the evening with a romantic toast to the sleeping City of Light.
finances and childcare, however, had not cooperated and i released my fantasy and stood there, holding a squirming infant and shrinking under the glare of an irritated matron.
i could imagine that our frivolity had ruined her lunch.
bringing out child to this elegant environment must have been deemed totally inappropriate. undoubtedly, as she had judgements about "those ugly Americans".
"how old is he?" her gaze centered on my squirming son.
i was taken aback. her voice was low and smouldering with a cultured European accent.
"he is 28 months old."
"oh," she grunted and turned her head to view the plaza below us.
then she turned and lifted her cane to point at my son.
"don't let him forget this day." she paused. "some of us wait too long. my husband and i always said we'd come to Paris. but first it was the children. then it was the business, and now..."
i leaned towards her. "now?"
her sagging eyes locked ionto my son's. hers a faint shade of blue, like blueberry stains in a sink. his were as green and crisp as the grass below us.
"now he is gone and i am here alone."
my husband pulled me close to him. my son giggled in delight.
"it's... hard to enjoy such beauty... alone," she sighed and wiped the back of her hand across her eyes as a small child would. then she looked away.
"seize the moment while you still have it. all too soon it slips through your fingers."
-----
for you i bleed myself dry
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow
So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so
I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry
Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow
So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so
I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry
Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you
title: My Happy Ending Lyrics
Avril Lavigne
Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could beeeeeee
chorus
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do,
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could beeeeee
chorus
You were everything, everything that I wanted, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh
Avril Lavigne
Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could beeeeeee
chorus
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do,
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could beeeeee
chorus
You were everything, everything that I wanted, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Ohhhhh
the words of bono are meant for me
title: sometimes you can't make it on your own
U2
Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
We fight all the time
You and I... that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need... I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can you hear me when I Sing,
you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me
Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Lyrics: Bono
Produced by: Chris Thomas
U2
Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
We fight all the time
You and I... that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need... I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can you hear me when I Sing,
you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me
Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Lyrics: Bono
Produced by: Chris Thomas
rain!
i looked out the window and saw rain. not the kind of fat drops that you have on a charming day but rain. somewhat hard, aggressive.
i like rain, have i ever told you that? it seems to wash away impurities in my blood.
maybe i'll take a walk later.
i like rain, have i ever told you that? it seems to wash away impurities in my blood.
maybe i'll take a walk later.
ooh i want you i don't know if i need you
but ooh i'd die to find out.
title: I Want You
by Savage Garden
Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I don't need to try to explain
I just hold on tight and if it happens again
I may move so slightly to the arms
And the lips and the face
Of the human cannonball that
I need to I want to...
Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you when
I get to you
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
I'm the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for
But a look and then a smell of perfume
It's like I'm down on the floor
And I don't know what I'm in for
Conversation has a time and place in the interaction
Of a lover and a mate but the time of talking
Using symbols, using words can be likened
To a deep sea diver who is swimming with a raincoat
Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you when
I get to you
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh, ahh...
Ooh, ahh...
Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I don't need to try to explain
I just hold on tight and if it happens again
I may move so slightly to the arms
And the lips and the face
Of the human cannonball that
I need to I want to...
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
So can we find out?
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
title: I Want You
by Savage Garden
Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I don't need to try to explain
I just hold on tight and if it happens again
I may move so slightly to the arms
And the lips and the face
Of the human cannonball that
I need to I want to...
Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you when
I get to you
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
I'm the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for
But a look and then a smell of perfume
It's like I'm down on the floor
And I don't know what I'm in for
Conversation has a time and place in the interaction
Of a lover and a mate but the time of talking
Using symbols, using words can be likened
To a deep sea diver who is swimming with a raincoat
Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you when
I get to you
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh, ahh...
Ooh, ahh...
Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I don't need to try to explain
I just hold on tight and if it happens again
I may move so slightly to the arms
And the lips and the face
Of the human cannonball that
I need to I want to...
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
So can we find out?
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I'd die to find out
sung by buble on the radio
sung by micheal buble
"Feeling Good"
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
"Feeling Good"
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
not the radio!
turned on the radio and heard 90.5FM. the song was scratchily going 'but girl how do i tell her about you'.
gawd.
i turned to something else and the next song i heard was this.
title: Somebody Told Me
Breaking my back just to know your name
Seventeen tracks and I've had it with this game
I'm breaking my back just to know your name
But heaven ain't close in a place like this
Anything goes but don't blink you might miss
Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight
Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Ready? Let's roll onto something new
Taking its toll and I'm leaving without you
Ready? Let's roll onto something new
But heaven ain't close in a place like this
Anything goes but don't blink you might miss
Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight
Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
A rushin', a rushin' around
Pace yourself from me
I said maybe baby please
But I just don't know now
Somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
A rushin', a rushin' around
angsty it is. not a bad song.
gawd.
i turned to something else and the next song i heard was this.
title: Somebody Told Me
Breaking my back just to know your name
Seventeen tracks and I've had it with this game
I'm breaking my back just to know your name
But heaven ain't close in a place like this
Anything goes but don't blink you might miss
Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight
Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Ready? Let's roll onto something new
Taking its toll and I'm leaving without you
Ready? Let's roll onto something new
But heaven ain't close in a place like this
Anything goes but don't blink you might miss
Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight
Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
A rushin', a rushin' around
Pace yourself from me
I said maybe baby please
But I just don't know now
Somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
A rushin', a rushin' around
angsty it is. not a bad song.
stomp, stomp
stomping in my new shoes. see if they fit.
walking in a new house. where's the light?
fling away the curtains, see there's the sun.
hey i see my neighbours having fun.
walking in a new house. where's the light?
fling away the curtains, see there's the sun.
hey i see my neighbours having fun.
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