girls

i went out with the girls today.

it was awkward at the beginning for some reason... it's almost as if i rubbed everybody the wrong way and as a result i was, quite a large part of the time, unsure if i would make matters worse by saying anything.

and no, i'm not normally bothered by other peoples' views and/or reactions to me, but these are the people who i am supposed to love, for better or for worse.

it's hurtful to be snapped at repeatedly, i hope i'm just being sensitive and "cannot take joke one" - i had considered leaving earlier: if i only serve to upset people, then it's best that i'm not there. that way both sides don't get aggravated and this saturday will be more enjoyable.

very thankfully though, it ended in a nicer, more familiar manner and i'm glad we feel like friends again. i just hope this isn't what i should be looking out for each time we go out though - it'd be a shame if it were.


come to think of it though ...even if it were, i'll probably still choose to love them. shut up and love them, pei, because that's what you know you'll do when it comes to them.

saturday

i'd savoured today. well, i woke from a dream - nightmare - about exams. yeah, i was in anderson in my funky almost-turquoise pinafore, sitting in the classroom with gray plastic chairs and desks and waiting for the exam to start. my classmates were walking about, talking excitedly, worriedly.

i recall trying to call out to one of them, just so i'm talking too, but i couldn't for the life of me remember their names. so in the end, i didn't, because i realised that i was amidst strangers. it's so odd, that one. i remembered the anxiety of the dream... funny how it comes back to haunt me and various others at different points in their lives.

traumatising, exams. they should be abolished.

eventful day. ish.

sunday! yes, i spent sunday lazy. ahem. let me say that again. i spent sunday lazy.

mm, that's better. (doesn't do it for me without the italics, heh.)

well for starters i woke up an very nearly ten and felt like i had slept till noon - that was a good start to the day, considering i had pretty nice-odd dreams before i woke. i know i'll see those scenes again later on in life, when i'm 40 or something. but now i'm not 40 and 40 is going to be wonderful. :) i'm going to be very happy, isn't that great?

:D

ahem. so i gamed, won and lost, cursed, celebrated then wondered, albeit absent-mindedly amidst the exulted bellows of "OWNINNNG" from the computer, how come i'm only gaming and not doing something useful. i should be achieving something - anything - that will help me get on better in life, like, y'know, financial freedom. i mean, three ways, right.

1. i get a rich husband.
2. i invest.
3. i work. ahem. "work".

so... why i'm i at home and not doing something about it? i mean, take option one for example: if i were to go for option one i will need to go out and con some chubby young rich punk, yes? said punk won't come a-knocking on my door to deliver my macdonald's meal, yes? haha, but then maybe jasmine will say "not all rich young men are ugly" - and she'd be right. i'm grinning as i type this: jasmine? i hope for a nice young man for you. really. because i know you cannot survive a day being lesbian.


anyways. 'twas sunday and as sundays to, that "little" consideration for my life directions has been left aside.... for many more hours of gaming. it was quite pleasant, whiling my time away like that, and there was food when i wanted it - but at the end of it all, my eyes hurt and my butt felt like it's grown twice the size (my butt is the same size thankfully, though felt like it's grown to twice its size) - and i still have not achieved anything i deemed worthwhile.


it feels terrible! (might've something to do with having stared at the screen and my legs propped up in the most unlady-like manner for too long)

...but seriously. it felt and still does feel terrible, to not have achieved something worthwhile. i've youth and time on my side right now and it's not going to last bloody forever, y'know (those were the exact words that came from me, unexpectedly, that got myself off of my chair. funny, isn't it, how you get jolted off your seat by your own sensibility. it feels so natural coming from myself - i might feel a little odd about it if it came from someone else instead).

so i decided enough was enough and turned the computer off... to pick up a book that i had already read, out of the stack of many.

and i felt like "thick face, black heart" today. and that was what i read as i laid myself onto my bed, feeling the kinks ease themselves out of my back... i must not sit like that again for too long.


...it still surprises me now that whatever i had read many years back is what i'm still reading now, said in different ways, by different people, in different books. it's almost like someone's trying to tell me something and "the idea isn't bloody getting through, you dumb cow!"

i beg your pardon. well alright, so i need to know that i can create wealth with a snap of my fingers, just like that. and you - "you" are trying to tell me that i only need do it. want it and do it. i seem to be missing something here. will "you" help me, please? i'm sorry if i'm a bit thick in this case, but please do show me the way and let me be aware of it when it's being shown.

hmm. oh boy. this conversation with myself - if i can call it "myself" just like that - hmm. i don't ask that you make sense of this, but that you take it for what it is.


anyways. what i was mentioning is about preparing the self for greatness and wealth. i don't want to argue about religion and if there is a big Someone up there, and i speak for nobody but myself in this case: if we were made in His image as cited in Christian ideology, then we possess the very greatness and potential to bring out His Light and Glory.

whether you are a Christian or Muslim, atheist or agnostic or Buddhist -

we - We - are here for a purpose. you know it. you don't need the Bible or the Quran or your mother to tell you that. either you want to make a mark for yourself and you therefore know what you need/have to do, or you know, intrinsically, that you are here for a specific reason.


and what that might be you will know or find out because you will love what you do. true that there are some who do not know what they are there for, and they lament that it is a hard life and it will continue to be a hard life...

maybe these people do now know what joy is. or maybe they do, and they feel it but are merely too familiar with their unhappiness to move out of their nice uncomfortable little hole. i don't understand, really, for i know i'm pretty happy myself, despite having had something of a funky past before... or maybe this is exactly how they feel, because "it's what they know".

but unlike er, "them", i know i want something more. i want a home to call my own, own my property, be rich, be meaningfully and sufficiently busy but without having to rush nor be flustered and having enough time to sip my coffee and go for my walks - when people are in suits receiving salaries fixed by their companies -

hehe

i'm sorry, but hehe


maybe i have stepped onto a few tails here by my previous comment. i mean no offense - that is what i want in my life. i want to set my own salary, a nice big paycheck that is more than "sufficient" to pay my bills and whatnot. i want to be wealthy; i want to be mighty comfortable!


..if you are like me, however - you're searching for that something that makes you happy, gives you ridiculous amounts of joy that it never ever feels like work - well, congratulations, i think you are looking, searching, for the very reason you are here today. a certain jennifer is going to be a lawyer. a certain jasmi is - was? - a topnotch events person and a certain susan, is still searching. i'd like to think that i've a better idea than most, considering i'd bounced around for a bit, looking for the one that feels "right" but i don't know it with certainty yet, though i have to say i've a fair idea of what it might be.

they say that if you are doing something you are placed in this world to do, not only will you do it wonderfully, you will do it joyously and you will do it tirelessly.

and it's true. design and art and writing. what do i do tirelessly, effortlessly? why, writing and art, of course. i suck at design but i sure as heck can paint and write.

truth be told, i want to paint. i want i want i want to paint. i want to paint and i want to sing, i want to dance - those are my loves, i shall never tire. when i cannot dance anymore, i shall paint. i shall sculpt and i shall paint and i shall write, like i shall sing. all those things i will do, and do well.

hey.


you know what? i think i have found what i'm meant to do. really. i've always know i love to write. i've always know i love to sing and paint and dance - but i don't know it. you see? i didn't know it.

whaddya know, hey. i'm going to be rich!

i choked on this

Forwarded Funnies: Stunt Pilot

weekend

i've never been so thankful for the weekend.

geebus!

i can't wait!

ooh what an exciting time! christmas, a week's leave to do ANYTHING i want, new job - gee, i have the most fun life, ever!

i am a ray of sunshine, no rain cloud will get me down!


AMEN!

Whose Line is it Anyway - SFX - Jedi

hooohooohoohahahahhahahahahahahoahaohahahehahhehahehehahhhehahahaaa

スゴ技達人 It`s amazing

OMG

Amazing Flies

HOLY WOW!

fuzzy!

herman!

oh, hahahahahahahaha!

this is what it is

from the pages of facebook.

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisss your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, " ...that's her."

this makes me smile... he calls me beautiful and hawt, he stays awake to watch me sleep, he kisses my forehead... probably doesn't want to show me off to his mates when i'm in his sweats (furry sweats) and holds my hand in front of his friends.

he's not much of a words person though – much to my consternation. "where is the muuuush," i'd often say. i wish he'd tell me more, how much he loves me, cares about me and how lucky he is to have me. and yes, he'll be turning to whomever he's with and saying, "here comes trouble –" with a smile

" – and i love her."

TIME'S CATCHING BLOODY UP!!!

i was on facebook just some moments ago and HOBOY was i surprised! this chap i know from school - he's only 23, a year younger than i am, has got a child! he's got a wife and a child!

(the baby girl looks gorgeous though, fell in love with her. then again, her dad's an eurasian and the mum's pretty, too. :D )


really: WAH PIANG.

Spiders On Drugs

it's real.

wish

i'm a little upset, for some reason.

everything's fine, going on great, but there's this funky little agitation going on that makes my guts itch. like i need something more. like friends.


then again, it might be the hour.

concert

oh yeah, my cousin sms-ed to tell me just how fine the chang huei mei concert was.

there's something about midnight

well. there's something about being awake in the wee hours of the morning; i just said midnight cause it sounded so much cooler.

there are great songs on the radio and the air is generally cooler. peaceful, too.


guess i'm enjoying my solitude, here, and enjoying the sensation of being alive.

brilliant artpieces

philosophical, lifelike and emphatic. by josh keyes.

drawings. his paintings here.

life

life's been treating me good. as in, really, really good.

it's quite amazing how that works out, really. and i know it will continue to work out. Praise The Lord.

the previous post

well. the previous post must've scared some people.

if nobody else it's certainly scared me! it has been duly removed.

dancin' in the morning

i overslept twice today - once when i was supposed to wake up at six and call my baby so he won't be late - by the time i woke it was seven thirty - i'd slept through my alarm clock!

the second time was - well, deliberate. hur hur


and this morning, at eight fifty, i danced to the tunes on radio in my room, loving every moment of it. and i dance exactly because i can, because i have to go to work. i love my freedom in this company - i'm sorry to leave.

phuket reality

one of the go-go bars in phuket. you don't know how young the girls are, really. you also won't see how tourism can boost an economy and destroy cultures both in the same stroke, until you think about it, after you've had your laughs and more than a few glasses of drinks.

phuket spirituality

this is one of the pictures i took in phuket. spirituality can be found at the most deliberate of places.

ya think?

cousinnn

oh yaaaay my cousin's baaack! :D

Walter and Jeff Dunham # 3

hooo my goodness. the toothbrush is bigger!

Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist

woohoo

decadence is...

decadence is having a hot bath in a big bathtub when it's storming outside.

decadence is walking into an air-conditioned room after that hot bath and diving into the covers, with the radio on.

bliss is having that special someone to share all of these with you.


..while bliss is a sea away, i don't mind settling for decadence.

Macked!

do you know that macdonald's raised their delivery price to THREE DOLLARS now?

it used to be TWO dollars! i mean, what, the price of petrol went up two hundred fold? or has there been a discovery that exhaust from motorbikes now cause immediate death?? hello, it's THREE DOLLARS.

grrr. ridiculous.

oh this is so cute

really. dooce.com is one of my favourite online reads, precisely because of things like this.

Quero leche

not the brightest bulb.

the games we play II

try this impossible quiz if you fancy yourself a schmart cookie. and the impossible quiz 2 if you don't have enough braIn damage from number 1!

things i need to do

i know there are things i need to do, like read up on stuff, learn how to do some things better.

but i'm not doing them. :/


i keep getting distracted; i shouldn't. >_< i shouldn't.

the games we play

hem the kitty. it's not as cruel as it sounds. really.

if you prefer something more forthright, try eating unsuspecting earthlings.

oh this is really funny! only street fighter fans will dig this.

and to prove that you aren't an idiot, try this - and don't shoot the puppy here. it gets hard after a while. hehe

oldies funnies

something for the geek

spot the differences by crazymonkeygames.com.

pigeons. hur hur

oh-my-bejesus wow

i went for my haircut today, at leong's. yes,leong's.

i didn't think very much of the haircut at first, but when i got home, hooo boy, did i fall in love with my reflection! thanks to my lady friends, of course.

and something wonderful happened today, too.


a certain susan's brought some of her skirts and dresses for me, and i was glad for that gesture. when i got home and checked them out, was i GLAD. susan's got TASTE, my goodness. i felt like a million bucks wearing those pieces, especially that tube dress. i'd hire her to do my shopping any day when i become a rich tai-tai. and that's all she'll ever do: shop for and with me.

..i suddenly felt like i had shed years, after i shed my older hairstyle (cleopatra after being run over by a camel) and changed into her pieces. i suddenly felt - high maintenance.

hell i felt good. ......i must get a rich husband. that or i must become rich, like, quickly.



(and THANK you, susan, for those gorgeous pieces!)

two days

solitude-y. been to an event today and it wasn't much, just food and some minor celebs. it's good stuff, i would've stayed if i wasn't itching to go.

i wish, how i wish i can teleport to any part of the world!

something good

i had the funny floaty feeling today, like something awesome's in the process of happening to me.


true enough, my darling love called - all the way from taiwan! - he'd just managed to find a public phone hahaha

how did he know i was just moping about missing him during lunch?? he's psychic, i tell you!

viennese-whatchacallit-chocolate

ironically enough, i was saying something about the scent of hot chocolate being better than the actual hot chocolate.

what a certain susan and jennifer had last night at the chocolate factory is making me eat my words now - oh holy wow. honest-to-heaven: holy wow.

scent

sometimes, the scent of hot chocolate is very much more pleasurable than the actual drink itself.

mmmmmm hot chocolate.

weekend

somehow, this weekend's thorny.

>_<

my england very good

if youngling means novice and fledgeling means young bird or an inexperienced person - what does darling mean?

what's "dar" mean, for that matter? }: x

some things nice, today

some things nice, today.

i almost fell ill but i didn't. i almost didn't turn up for oktober fest but i did. i almost didn't drink beer as i usually don't but i did. i almost lost my cool when a friend of a colleague took the better cab i had called for the two of us but didn't.

i flirted with people and know i am desired, today. i loved even though my beau wasn't immediately there to receive it, today. i made progress in my work, today. i smiled at my lady boss, today. she smiled back. :)

i got back home, showered in hot water despite having turned it on five seconds before i turned the tap on.


yep, there are definitely some things nice, today.

today

for the first time in a long time today, i felt bad about myself.

i had gone to new asia bar where equinox restaurant is, and i had felt so ill at ease that i would sooner break the windows with a high chair and the leap through the damage that i had done just to get out of there. when i thought about it though, i hadn't really much of an idea why i had so wanted to leave.

it could be the fact that i had been scrutinised upon my entrance (mostly men who are having drinks at that overpriced location at six, for some reason) or it could be that the service was bad (no forks nor knives and the only cutlery when they were serving pizza we had were chopsticks - the kind made out of pine that you have to snap apart - plus having my beer spilt onto my toes when the waiter was pouring it for my colleagues. that was after one of the barstaff refused to serve our table. i don't understand why. no, really. i don't understand why) - oh, i don't know.

i'm thinking both, though i'm swaying more towards the former when i'm scrutinised again on the way out, especially on the way out, because for some funny reason one of the ladies have pointed me out, it seems, to a gentleman companion of hers and he in turn had stared at me as i walked out, with my usual orange handbag and jacket. it might be because i was hauling a humongous paper bag, i don't know.

maybe they hadn't seen big brown paperbags before and therefore felt the need to stare.


whatever it is, i was very thankful by the time i reached the elevator located outside the bar - i thought i wouldn't make it alive, what with those looks (i can't tell if they're benign or otherwise. truth be told, i can't care less but i just hate to be stared at, it makes me itch inside) that follow me wherever i go.

no, i'm not being sensitive. THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME. whether or not they remember me later on is another matter altogether - I HATE BEING STARED AT.


good god. why can't people just behave normally? know that i'm there and leave it at that? can't people be more civil??? geebus.

Pedigree Commercial

...some dogs don't.

Good Life - Pedigree

the dogs have it good, dammit. just look at them!

Car With Style

i thoroughly approve!

PIGEON KICK!!!

YEAAAAH!!!

The Original Pelican Eats Pigeon

WOOO! one for the pellie!

Original Motion-Activated Sprinkler vs. Pigeons

gawd i hate pigeons!

money

you know what?

i'm going to make money. i'm going to sell whatever it is that i can sell. not my body, of course - but what i can sell, i will sell. hell, i will even buy then sell.

you just watch me!

the meaning of a brother

i think, today, i found out the meaning of having a brother.


a dear cousin showed me. it made me cry.

seriously. he stood up for me.

ego

"let there be light," the husband said.










and the wife let the lights explode.

Mr Bean Dance

and this is how he went

-grin-

yes, today's been an eventful day.

again, cousin saved the day; i got a jar of marmalaaade and some bread too! :D yummm


it's amazing how the simplest things can bring the warmest of sentiments. yep, times like this i'm so very glad that i have family around. bery bery blessed leh!

...though to top it off, i came home to my mum's phone call... and she was telling me, amongst other things, that i should wear a carved penis......... ^^'

flu travels

i had the flu today, and hadn't turned up for work. felt so bloody tired that i fell into a deep deep sleep during the afternoon - it was with great effort that i had managed to drag myself out of bed and get myself to the doctor's.

well on the way there i saw, through the rusting zinc barricades, a half knocked-down (or half-built) house. it's like one of those houses you see in war-torn countries, only this one stands beside a perfectly lived-in and undamaged one in the "upper crust" part of the island. i noticed there were some polo shirts gently swaying in the late afternoon breeze from a makeshift clothesline on the second storey of the house. i gathered that might be the place where the inhabitants slept and rested at - after a long day's work or even in-between periods of hard labour, perhaps?

there was no wall behind the clothesline when there would usually be a wall - i could see the clear sky behind it. nobody was in sight, neither. did they really live where they worked at? it's quite nice to live where you build. though... it's kinda sad that whatever you live at and build will never be yours.


that glimpse and thought was enough to send me further into my contemplations, while i was in the bus hanging on for dear life with the bus driver's F1 antics.

..well, actually the bus was rather empty and i was seated - i just felt like saying that so you would think i am one of those moody-thoughtful types. :P

anyways. so i wondered: is it possible that some people will always live in such "war-torn" conditions no matter where they go? i mean, if i may make the assumption that those clothes belong to immigrants who come to "where the fish is plenty and the sky is always blue" to work - is it possible that those people had moved from hunger to having "having a roof over their heads, sort of"?

assuming that they ARE living in that particular spot, of course.

even if they weren't. where do they put up at? from a rambling country to a walled-up (ish) cubicle. which did they prefer, walled up completely or just walled-up (ish)? hoe long did they have to stay in those kind of uh, homes? does it matter to them anymore?

because, goodness knows that they are going through what our forefathers are going through - only difference being our island being "new land" back then and we had the chance to take it. right now... well, right now singapore's taken.

what gives?


and those were my thoughts until i suddenly realised that i was at my stop.

night out

mr hedgehog made my day again! :D

i would so date him if we weren't related. lol

the sheer genius!

this reminds me of jasmi

am happy. am very, very happy.

yes, i'm happy.

today is the boyfriend's birthday.


happy birthday, dear. :*

plant

relationships are like plants - you can't water it once in a month and expect it to grow healthy. relationships are rarely the cactus kind.

you can't give it fertiliser and water and tender loving care only to keep it from dying - if you were doing that then all you will be doing is trying to keep it alive. isn't it way better to be able to enjoy the plant by keeping it healthy by giving it consistent care? don't you, as a gardener, like to take care of the plant? or are you the kind that would rather have a nap or eat a sandwich instead? if it were the latter then gardening isn't for you.

then you're just setting yourself up for "parasites" that you will have to lose sleep over.

worms inside your face

do you know what the black stuff that's been rubbed all over the chap's face?



...a live roach.

SSSOCIAL

for a long time now

you know, i hadn't felt this good about myself in a long long while. i'm smiling, actually happy while i type this in the wee hours of the morning with only the nightlight, despite knowing i'll bloody pay for it in the morning.

well, if i'm going to change something about the way i did things, this (the blog design) will be a start.

peace

it's easy to see how things can get out of hand when you're in love.

you don't realise you've become another person so you can 'give the best' to the other chap, who you think will give you the same things you are giving him.

i can't believe i allowed myself to be unhappy for this long a time.


well, that's going to change. i'm going to be happy.

i promise to treat my charming self better.

little miss's saturday evening with mister hedgehog

quick non-lyrical update: one lovely day, even better evening.

well. mostly better evening than lovely day. :)


thank you, mister hedgehog, very much. i've had a wonderful time, i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did ;)

xkcd.com

i'm a fan because of this



and this.

testing, testing.

this makes me smile.

alright emo moment over

-atchoo-

a touch of lonesome, please

i've had a touch of lonesome today, a tad like a touch of flu.

it's strange how lonesome-ness feels - i refuse to call it loneliness, "lonesome-ness" hints at a kind of a romantic geeky-cool while "loneliness" simply means that you're more sad than you really are.


...or maybe that's just my body telling me i'm dehydrated.

word of the day - www.dictionary.com

pukka \PUHK-uh\, adjective:
1. Authentic; genuine.
2. Good of its kind; first-class.

He talks like the quintessential pukka Englishman and quotes Chesterton and Kipling by the yard and yet he has chosen to live most of his adult life abroad.
-- Lynn Barber, "Bell book . . . and then what?", The Observer, August 27, 2000

If he does not have a house, the government gives him a pukka residence, not a . . . shack on the pavement but a solid construction.
-- Salman Rushdie, The Ground Beneath Her Feet

Pukka comes from Hindi pakka, "cooked, ripe," from Sanskrit pakva-, from pacati, "he cooks."

hmmmm.

i remember i wanted to say something about women...


...but i can't remember what.

lions

i almost wept to see this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xmc8gDzk2sg&mode=related&search=


and this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAk8Z8Bcsz8&mode=related&search=

footnote at the top

okay. in case you're wondering just who it is that can "put mentors in my path" and "for that CD" - i am not thanking a human being.

i am thanking my Lord, God. i equate Him with the whole of the universe, all that is good and fair (beautiful). i am, i am, i am loved.

this is the day

i had gone to the trade fair at suntec today, and i know, i just know that this is the day that will change my life.

i learnt so much in just one day about the things i want to learn about it's not funny. the things i need to know about this trading thing - the teachers and mentors that have been put in my path, the avenues in which i may walk to get myself to the right place - by george am i thankful for this!

THANK YOU!

for making everything so easy. my sincere thanks!


and thanks for the tom jones CD. i knew i fell in love again when i heard tom jones sing.

biscuits

yum.

thank you for the ritz biscuits dear, they're yummy. the pack i'd bought before this was too hard, it felt a little like biting a ritz brick instead of a ritz biscuit.

love it dipped in nutella!


i'm still curious about how the food pack tastes like...

on the bus

on the bus home today, my mind wandered to my schoolmates from back then. to one particular girl, actually. her name's jueqi, she's from one of "the better classes" in high school and she is my badminton team member.

despite the fact that i was more social than her, boisterous and better than her in badminton, she never did take a liking to me. i wondered why, for the longest time, until i finally asked her. the response was basically condescending, for lack of a better word.

"you seem like a ne'er-do-well," she had said in chinese. her english wasn't even good enough for a proper sentence, but i didn't take it to heart. i wanted to find out why she found the air about me foul - not to pinpoint that her grasp on the language wasn't as strong as it should be for someone from her high station in the school's academic hierarchy.

and that set me thinking. isn't it strange? just because she can count and i couldn't seemed to give her moral high ground. but then, maybe our math textbooks were thick enough to have her think that they are pedestals she can step on...?

whatever it is, i did not understand. neither did i bother. i just understood that she didn't like me and let that pass (i wasn't always that easy-going on others' opinions: i'd always thought that i was not well-liked in my school community because i thought i stuck out like a sore thumb. my three dear friends will know).

we spoke as much as we did before (which was to say not much) and when we graduated i nearly entirely forgot about her. though... i do wonder... if she's in some firm somewhere counting beans.

or in some university being taught how to count beans, if she hasn't graduated yet.


well. wherever she is now, i hope she is happy, as i am happy. true that my memory and impression of her was not entirely favourable, but i am sure there must be some side to her that i do not know about. there must be some side of her that is at least likeable that i hadn't the chance to recognise.

with that, i wish her the best, that she is in the place she is meant to be in and is enjoying herself there. well-wishes from a person you despise, huh. might be a first, probably won't be the last.

old letters

i have stumbled upon an old letter when i was searching for something just now...

i couldn't remember what it said, so i read it. what i read brought a pang to my heart - for it was a letter from an old flame, one of the dramatic ones i've had.


i wonder how he is now, if he's got a kid or three, now.

OMG FREAKED

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


http://www.edheads.org/activities/hip/swf/index.htm

theory

i've theorised today, that the amount of scent au naturel a man gives out is proportional to how macho a man is. i came up with it when my very macho golf editor sat down in an air-conditioned with the freelance web designer.

...the webdesigner smelt like musty sweat dried on woolen pullovers (which it probably is) and the editor smelled like an unwashed respiratory system. WAH PIANG EH don't be so manly can not??? i know the ancestors used scent to mark terri-blardee-tory lah but why surely they appreciate the idea that the ancestors probably survived because they didn't have to have meetings in air-conditioned little rooms back then?

they all would've died from the prehistoric equivalent of death-gas.


again, manliness. it does not have to be body odour, it can even be commercial scent.

but as i said, the more macho they are, the stinkier they are going to get.... or rather, the more likely they are to "forget" what scent does to a girl... which turns a girl off. BIG TIME.

MUST the men spoil their image like that? hawt and manly until within a meter's radius? that's when you know it's not love when you faint. why can't they understand that women LURVE scents? applied with finesse, it can cause a woman to fall instantly in love.

i know, cause i've fallen in instant love before, and that was just from a whiff of perfume. i had looked about for whom i am sure to be my true love then, but i couldn't locate the chap. well. what can i say? i lost my love at an overcrowded train station.

almost romantic. almost.


conversely, give a woman a man who smells of stale sweat. the kind that has gone from sour to sweet. yeah, you know the kind. well. i don't know about other girls but i for one will be the first to have difficulties breathing.

oh. wait. maybe the theory should be - the more macho a man is, the less developed his sense of smell. :D that must be it!

magic

Isaac Aristawidya Rowe, born 15:15 on 14 August 2007. Weighs 3.8kg.

The boy is son of Richard Rowe and Agustiningsih "Nining" (I don't know her surname).



The arrival of the boy is magic. Pure magic.



Yes, two of my very good friends' bundle of joy have arrived.




..i am not officially an auntie. -sob

singing in the rain in my new raincoat

thank YOU, for being the harbinger of pleasure and the bearer of joy.

love

my dear, can you don't be so aimless?

so lembek, so crestfallen? i love you, but this wasn't the person i fell in love with. to have and to hold, through thick and thin, that is the ideal, true, but do be strong! do not let this break you.

i reiterate: do not - NOT - let this break you!

hum

i should write more poetry.

somehow, though, somehow, it's better with a pen and paper.

from the unbound archives

..which is to say they've been scrawled onto slips of paper and forgotten somewhere.

somebody really ought to think
why the brick's so quick to sink
somewhere somehow in my mind
i see non-bricks behaving in kind

---

to fly and fall than to deny and stall.

---

brandishing poetry like a knife ground sharp
i inked the words angled smart
like a scalpel across bleached flesh
language begun with a dissonant slash

---

cocooned in self-pity some moths i see
i marvelled at their shell's intricacy
how they protect themselves in their prison
how a cage is also their halcyon
a transitional time within their weavings
are they in pain or are they sleeping
studied patience or unwilling imprisonment
i cannot guess so i watch in silence

alternative reasoning

i'd been cleaning my room just this evening, after i'd seen the boy off, and found some pieces of paper with my past scrawlings on it. one of them go like this.

"Alternative Reasoning"

"I work not really for a livelihood. I mean, sure, I do need to eat, but I only need so much to survive and get about - I don't NEED to work.

"I work so I have your respect."


..obviously, i didn't know what the heck i was talking about.

---

and another one.

"I hate my job" - that is the age-old complaint, followed by numerous reasons as to why he/she hates the job that more often than not, makes up for more than 90% of the conversation.

"Practically speaking, there are pros and cons, ups and downs to any job. I mean, seriously. It's just like your baby-poo: most of the time she's an angel but sometimes you wish you hadn't had that many beers the evening you met her. The same with jobs.

"Assuming you understand and accept that fact of life and are still unhappy about your job for 'various reasons' - here is the first and most important question: is it the job (i.e. gardening for gardeners, teaching for teachers), the paycheck, the people (colleagues, superiors, subordinates, suppliers et cetera) or 'something else'? If it is the job - then I say congratulations, you have in essence found the root of your pains. Now to decide what you can do to make a job switch smoother.

"If you hate the paycheck but can't survive without it then I say you, my friend, need a supplementing job. Then jump ship.

"As I had read somewhere that one should 'make money, not save money,' - I strongly suggest that you find and fuel another source of livelihood on top of theone that you have righ tnow. It can be something simple, like typing, for example. The supplementing job should not take too much attention away from the 'day job' - the one that pays you the bulk of your salary. That's being smart about things. Not losing the big picture.

"If it's the people - well, whether you stay or you go will have to depend on if your paycheck's big enough to make you stay. Failing which, will the nature of your job encourage you to stay? If there's a 'yes' AND a 'no' then you know you have something to think about. If you have a very firm answer... then you know what you have to do next."


...obviously, i thought i know very much. i still do, sometimes. heh.

if i sound this bossy i think i would do well if i were to write a book. ya think?

eureka

it's a shame; it's going to be a shame.

at this rate he's going, we're not going to make it. he's not ambitious enough, and he's still a boy. heck, we aim to "game together" and he seems to be going it alone all the time in-game, even when he's playing right here with me.

i think that says something. an inherent loner, perhaps? won't that be tough then, to dance a two-person tune with a one-man-going-it man?

so... you see, it's not really about "spending time with me', it's about "getting time to play."


...what a boy.

the trash that i watch online...

(can't remember)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ezi10dC-0I&mode=related&search=

about jesus (family guy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBZQfAYfH7s

how to spot a gay (family guy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTtVqh4vLgk&mode=related&search=

WAHAHHAHAHAHA

spiders on drugs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

kitties on tape
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VRklgMjr3E

nope, it ain't about just you no more

and that's just it. it's not just about you no more, yeah?

cause it's a two-person deal.


i figure in this, too. hey, who knew?

relationships vs reality

reality vs relationships.

realistically, it's best to look into the future. chances are... we're not going to make it.

make no mistake, i want to make it. but realistically speaking, it might be wiser for me to look for an alternative.


..then we see what gives.

me a plumpy munch junkie

i'm eating so much these days i get scared. and i'm talking about the kind of yummy junk, like blue berry cheese tarts. mmmmmmm.

lovely.


now that i've moved to the north, it's all good cheap food. fruits are everywhere, as are bread shops and yummy noodles. oh by the way, i saw this beautiful dress at raffles city today. it's rather unfortunate that the price is also pretty lovely. $185. ow. but ye gods, not buying it is truly like cutting a part of myself off. it is not often that i find a dress that suits me... -sob

aye, aye, i am

the things people do and the things people say.

it's something that i did, nothing that i said.

i'm angry

oh yes, i'm angry.

ANGRY.

about a book osho wrote

it's titled 'intimacy'. while it's a whole load of crap, some of the things he said struck a chord (yes, i'm a firm believer of the principle that goes "reading a book but reading does not necessarily mean agreeing with it").

and i found peace within those pages that i do agree with. it's a good sign, methinks, that i'm no longer "searching for something that i do not know about". in fact, the more i try to define it, the less i need to be in action to search for that elusive "something". because i already have that "something". what more can i ask for?

i'm at peace.


er, babes. on another note altogether - if you're free anytime this week to meet me up, please do so? want to pass you the vouchers!

sick - again!

>.<

thankfully i have a new phone to comfort me. that's how i realise i'm more mentally stimulated than anything - i hardly play with the phone and i spent no more than three hours testing it out, spread over two days.

it's just good to know i now have my own mobile.

conversation

Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:01)
like dat also can can
Me says: (AM 12:02)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:02)
yah
Me says: (AM 12:02)
well..
Me says: (AM 12:02)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:02)
you prolly would know lah
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:02)
know wat?
Me says: (AM 12:02)
it gets tiring after a while and all you want to do is to do it properly
Me says: (AM 12:03)
and hope for the best.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:03)
hope?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:04)
like wat?
Me says: (AM 12:04)
hope that you get a partner suitable for you, that you'll be happy, that you won't have to deal with the horror stories that've happened to other people..
Me says: (AM 12:04)
that kind lah
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
nv hope in a relationship
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
b sure of wat u want
Me says: (AM 12:05)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:05)
my poor boy.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
u been thru a few relationship n u shld noe by now wat u looking for
Me says: (AM 12:05)
yah i do.
Me says: (AM 12:05)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
u doesn't seem to noe'
Me says: (AM 12:06)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:06)
maybe
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:06)
dats y u say 'hope'
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:06)
if u noe dat this guy will b with u for life, u will b v sure with ur ans
Me says: (AM 12:07)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:07)
i've "known" many guys who "will be with me for life"
Me says: (AM 12:07)
so..
Me says: (AM 12:07)
i daren't say i "know" these days
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:08)
u noe wat i mean... for life meaning u ll marry him
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i know.
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i know.
Me says: (AM 12:08)
haha
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i definitely know what you mean
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:08)
dun waste time if u think u wana marry him but dunno if u thinks alike
Me says: (AM 12:09)
strangely enough
Me says: (AM 12:09)
they all do
Me says: (AM 12:09)
want to marry me i mean
Me says: (AM 12:09)
and i want to marry them, when i was with them. i don't have "plan b" when i'm with them
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:09)
sayig is 1 thing u noe, doing it is another
Me says: (AM 12:09)
yah.
Me says: (AM 12:10)
you're right
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
they say but nv do
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
they nv show any action to prove they wana marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
o tell me wat has ur current guy did to let u feel dat he wana marry u?
Me says: (AM 12:10)
showed me to his mum
Me says: (AM 12:11)
brought me to see his dad in malaysia
Me says: (AM 12:11)
do all he can to make me happy
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:11)
dats normal ma
Me says: (AM 12:11)
okay
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:11)
did he sit down n plan with u the future
Me says: (AM 12:11)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:11)
he's too young for that.
Me says: (AM 12:12)
theprevious one did
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:13)
like when the 2 of u wana get married, how to achieved dat target, like saving money etc, plans to get house...
Me says: (AM 12:13)
he's 24, in the army now
Me says: (AM 12:13)
it's too far down the road for him
Me says: (AM 12:13)
if he were out of the army i would say yes, true. we should do that
Me says: (AM 12:13)
but... well.
Me says: (AM 12:13)
donno lah. ^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
24 is not young
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
look at my nephew
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
21 n married
Me says: (AM 12:14)
lol
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
n he got his plan laid out
Me says: (AM 12:14)
wow
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
good thinking on his part
Me says: (AM 12:14)
that's great!
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
dats wat a guy shld b doing
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
not wait n wait
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
since he is in the army, got all the time to plan
Me says: (AM 12:15)
well.
Me says: (AM 12:15)
er. no..
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
sit down n plan with him
Me says: (AM 12:15)
just got in
Me says: (AM 12:15)
no time.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
like wat he wana do when he leave the force
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:16)
how long he nid to work n save in order to marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:16)
etc...
Me says: (AM 12:16)
true
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:17)
so u c the whole pic now?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:17)
n wat u gona do nxt?
Me says: (AM 12:18)
i
Me says: (AM 12:18)
am going to cook myself some noodles! :D
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
go think bout it
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
no nid to tell me
Me says: (AM 12:19)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
but b frank to urself
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
u can cheat anyone but not urself
Me says: (AM 12:19)
i don't think he's thought about it.
Me says: (AM 12:19)
"it's too far", will be his answer
Me says: (AM 12:20)
i.. don't want to settle down yet, i don't think.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
den u cant say he wana marry u cuz he dun wana commit himself with those kind of ans
Me says: (AM 12:21)
hm.
Me says: (AM 12:21)
yah.
Me says: (AM 12:21)
maybe.

-snip-

Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
aiya dun waste time la
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
come i marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
you sit down with me and you plan with me lah! lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
then i believe
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
wah~~
Me says: (AM 12:23)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:23)
you just say one!
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
learn fast hor
Me says: (AM 12:23)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
the go sit down with him la
Me says: (AM 12:23)
must mah, otherwise your meimei is doing to be real slow
Me says: (AM 12:23)
haha
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
yalah dats y i say u go sit down with him n tlk
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
if he dun wan den i marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:25)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:25)
okay i can't see all your emoticons
Me says: (AM 12:25)
using mac
Me says: (AM 12:25)
mac can't see all emoticons, only some.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:26)
but it juz come out as i type ma
Me says: (AM 12:28)
orh
Me says: (AM 12:28)
ok
Me says: (AM 12:28)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:28)
haha
Me says: (AM 12:28)
you'll be happy with me as a wife?
Me says: (AM 12:28)
you won't find it strange?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:29)
hmmm... strange as in wat?
Me says: (AM 12:29)
that we've known each other for so long and we've seen each other through relationships?
Me says: (AM 12:30)
eh brb. i go cook noodles

-end-

bring, briiiiing!

and the phone keeps on ringing....

bitch vs vain men

it tickles me no end to see how vain some men can get.

case in point is a certain fei that i know. he's not bad looking, but he's not good looking neither - you know the kind, average-ish looks with better skin than most? well, he's like that.

i offered two people the chance to appear in a popular women's magazine as an eligible bachelor and one of the two, as expected, turned it down, citing media-shyness. the other, however, snapped it up completely - hook, sinker and all.

exact words were: "i wouldn't mind". [edit: upon the latest check of the sms in reply, it was "i definitely wouldn't mind"]


hello? i knew for a fact that he's egoistical already, but wow, the vanity! the vanity!

it's a-may-zing.


the last experiment was on my own boy. i foisted it off him, but i didn't think that he would say no - put up a half-assed effort to "struggle" against the unreasonable girlfriend's decision maybe, but there won't be an outright "no". which i expected but it's disappointing anyhoos..

at least fei is outright vain and doesn't try to hide it and it's his choice to make. disappointing.

ahem, ahem!

just in case you guys think that i'm desperate to get married - i'm not.

it's like wanting a car. like you've always wanted that cute volkswagon, you can't wait to finally being able to afford it, to ride in it, to finally have it - but you don't need it. it won't kill you to not have it, but you want it.

and it's the same. i've always wanted to get married; but it's not something i want to hop into straight after i get to know a guy, probably not even for a few years.


BUT. it is important to understand that any man who does not want me enough to want to marry me at a moment's notice is not worth my affections. sad to say, something broke in me last night, i have a funny feeling it may stay broken for a looong time.


anyhoos. i want to be desired. being desired and wanting to get married HERE AND NOW are completely two different things. just in case you didn't get it: i want to be desired, but i do not necessarily want to get married, like, now.

capisce?

now, moving right along...

okay. in this case...


i'm going to go ahead and make my plans and am going to follow them through. i will migrate. to vancouver.

i am going to sit by the fireplace and drink a scotch, forget about making smores altogether, because that was my dream. no i think scotch and/or wine is more practical. more pleasant, too.

vancouver. two years.

yes, two years. 12th july 2009. from then till december 2009 i will be preparing myself to go over, after the formalities have been done.

i start my new life in a new country, from zero: 2010.

two-oh-one-oh. from zero. : )

ooh. license to kill!

my boy'd just told me "ooookay it's too far" when i was joking first-borns (rumpelstiltskin-esque kinda discussion) - and i realised that he doesn't want to marry me.

it brought a slight pang and i moped for a while (i'd be lying if i said five - i moped for an entire ten seconds. can you beat that? wow: ten!) - then i immediately knew that i have the license to kill! i can be not as bothered to keep "us" intact! :D

now it makes purrrfect sense as to why he's behaving the way he's been behaving. now i understand.


it's a disappointment, true, but well. i've no shortage.

death by blueberry muffun

i had a blueberry muffin today. it was delicious.

it was also two days old.


ohhhh... i don't feel so good.....

the bus drivers

on this occasion, i remembered the evening when i made up my mind to write about them bus drivers. it was on the night when i was still working with my previous employer... it was very late at night, and he was sending me home, along with his wife in the same car.

i wondered, amidst tears (had a humongous hiccup at work and since the boss and his lady can never be at fault, i'm the one to get screwed over. but that's over now, and i've been happier since i left that place), how the bus drivers felt on a night like this, are they exhausted, like i am exhausted? are the emotionally vacant like i was then, because they probably don't have a life outside of their driving routines?

the buses seem to hurtle at great speeds for a vehicle of that size; and i wondered, are they hurtling because they need to get their passengers back to their homes so they can get ready for bed, or are they hurtling for their own sakes, because they needed something to make them feel alive, because they wanted to feel the euphoria of driving in the night, of being a 'captain of the ship', because they had to? and what do they do, after this? who takes them home, then?

i know, that after i had cried i could've gone. sleep it off, wake up and get to work again, leave it all behind, a dream away.

what about these people, these drivers? do they get reprieve at all? what is their social life like, outside of their bus routines? do they have a social life outside of their bus routines? who do they work for? what do they do, exactly, other than open doors for us?

these are the people we see every day, but do not see, do you get what i mean?


and what about us, the execs. do they see us? and do other people see us, when we're walking to work, to lunch, from lunch, back home? or are we merely part of the population landscape? who notices us anymore? we're just part of the background, no? we're increasingly thinking that way and behaving that way.


is that why quite a few of us are "oblivious", so to speak, and "complacent"? because the world consists only of themselves. and when shit happens "they'll bring this up to the authorities, see if they don't!"

have we become a shallow, petty bunch?


ya think?

wow

yep. wow.

world of warcraft, to be more specific. nice game.

ithinki'mretarded

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Asperger's_syndrome?OpenDocument

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Autistic_savant?open


...okay so that didn't sounds that good. but i DO have difficulties dealing with people and i DO have some form of genius... just that you can't quite see it.........


<: x

career toast to the girls!

on another more cheerful thing altogether, i love my job!

absolutely lovely! i'm meeting people, deadlines are over, i'm writing and i'm having a good time. fabulous.


here's one to the girls: for career, for laughter on the job and for luck!

announcements

don't like them. never mind if i know the person who's been invited or not, but do not make last-minute announcements, then asking me if i'm okay with that.

that's not giving me a choice - repeat: NOT giving me a choice. what do you expect me to say, "oh, no, i don't think i'll be going"? i mean, don't make decisions then TELL me about it when we're the only TWO people going at the point of decision.

if it's a group, fine. i can still pull out graciously if i'm not comfortable because it's a group. but no. it's just two of us. if go i feel like i'm not getting what i've originally said yes to; if i don't go the other party will feel strange or worse - misunderstand that - oh i'm aiming for a date with you and was miffed because you invited someone else i didn't know about - and i don't want that.

does it therefore look like i have a choice in the matter? your manner of thought is quite strange, don't you think?


lesson learnt: do NOT do things like that to your friends. i will continue to NOT do this to my friends.

when it gets too much

don't let the bastards grind you down! (for jasmi)

Each day I wake up in this gray old town
Each day the system tries to bring me down
With a minimum wage in the factory
I'm slaving in the Twentieth Century

And the whole damn world
Is gangin up to bring me to my knees

And now the neighbors make it loud and clear
That they want no ravers moving in around here
I wont play ball, wont do what i'm told
I'd rather be a square peg in a round hole

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

I'm living in a world where I don't really fit
Every day walking through the same old shit
I'm gonna get my gun, gonna get prepared
I'm not impressed and I'm not scared

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

Me say the war must stop
No one canna win
Ah we livin in da ghetto
On da streets of dis town
Ah da whole world
I said dis a one
...you a man
You stand up firm gotta stand up strong
Listen ghetto youth dis how we keep in da land

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

pussaaaayyy!!

(please don't mind the bad spelling)

Once upon a time in the land of fever, there lived a scarlet pussy
This kitty cat of fine descent, was cherished by her mother
Who wouldnt let another, pet her, unless he was qualified

Every 1st of the month this pretty feline got the hots
And thats when the neighborhood (d-d-dogs)
Theyd line up around the block
Meow

When my little scarlet feline roars
The locals come around (come around)
When they see the scarlet light
They know its time to come chase her down (chase her down)

Lo and behold the fantastical way
In which their bodies groove
My scarlet pussys furry magic alters any mood

Scarlet pussy (its cool)
Scarlet pussy
Pussycat, pussycat
Wherefore art thou, puppy?

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

Every dog would try his lines
To get pussys attention ([...])
All they want is so exposed
In ways too gross to mention (eew!)

Green virgin teenager
A filthy rich yuppie
Pussycat pussycat
Wherefore art thou puppy?
Scarlet pussy

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over your sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

Meow
Now whats going on?
Oh, no, man, look out!
Somebody come get this meow-meow of my leg!
Meow!

Scarlet pussy

Pussycat pussycat
Wherefore art thou, puppy?
Meow

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

She can make u happy, she can make u sad
She can make u crazy (crazy)
She can make u shiver from your head down to your feet
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets (oh!)

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

mini tragedy

scene: shrek ended its run last week.


tradgedy: i found out this week.

being understanding

i know i should be more understanding.

i know i should be.


this is one week out of many, right? don't be disappointed: everyone wants to "go home", because that's where "home" is. it's alright.

it's alright....


from the other side:
it weakens me, knowing it's going to be "another of those weekends". unfulfilling, unsatisfying. i'm trying, but i'm growing colder, inside. i'm slowly shrinking away. it's like he doesn't know me or know how to love me.

"i don't love you the way you want to be loved does not mean i do not love you."


yes, but that simply means i won't feel your love. i may understand your love but i don't feel it. i'm so sorry!

a girl named..

ginny cracked an eye open, a little afraid she might break the spell if she opened her eyes too quickly. the sunlight streaming in in shredded strips through the broken windows cast her room in gold.

she didn't dare stir.


watching her tin ceiling through her lashes she imagined how she must look if someone were to stand at the boarded doorway, watching her. how her hair must glow and how ethereal she must look - she must look like a princess - no, like a fairy - awakening from her fair, delicate slumber.


...it made spending nights on the hard floor in the hay worth it. almost worth it.

slowly, and a touch unwillingly, she opened her eyes fully and laid there a while more.


it was nice being woken up by the sun, she thought, but i have to wake, and waking up means taking myself off the floor.



and the day thus begins.

strange thoughts

a certain ms tan mentioned today that an acquaintant of hers - his body was found in the carpark somewhere. she doesn't know what happened to him.

which reminds me of my thoughts about my own mortality. i've always thought i'm the kind to die young - cancer, or an accident, or falling off the cliff somewhere on my first trip out to "see the world".


..i've always thought i would die young.

it breaks my heart

damien rice - blower's daughter

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you...
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

full life

yes, i live a full life, over at where i am at. :)

i am loving my work, my usual picadillos of deadlines and tricksy people.



fantastic! okay. be careful, now... do not let the high go to my head. steady, now...

fangs

bunny grew fangs today.


: x

knowledge

garnering knowledge means more than just typing in words at google....


and, obliquely in lieu with the train of thought:

"you don't know how you met me you don't know why
you can't turn around and say goodbye
all you know is when i'm with you i set you free
and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea

"i'm singin', follow me, and everything is alright
i'll be the one to tuck you in at night
and if you wanna leave i can guarantee
you won't fond nobody else like me"


-excerp from unkle kracker's "follow me".

the story of the honest woodcutter

you know the story of the woodcutter, who got a golden axe and a silver axe for being honest about his original axe?

well, that's not the end of the story, because the man didn't sell the axes.

for those axes are magical since they're golden and such, being gifts from fairies wanting to get rid of the odds and ends in their overstuffed maic vaults. the golden can actually return to the axe-wielder's hands after being thrown and slicing clean through whatever that stands in its trajectory.

the silver axe, on the other hand, grants the axe-wielder longetivity and health. that's why it's the size of a small pendant and can be worn around the neck - so it won't have to be lugged around like an extra ball and chain. thus the effect is: as long as the bearer of the silver axe has the artifact about the person, he is prevented from ageing.

so you see, with the two axes, the bearer of the axes is practically unkillable, even if he were peaceful.

but in times of war, the honest woodcutter's hand is forced, for the duke - not knowing the full story behind his prowess and longetivity - has heard of this curious man's "abilities" and had his family kidnapped and had the man fight in the war.

and so begins londis's tale...

nina simone!

this song is so upbeat it makes me feel alive just listening to it!

not the lyrics, just the tune. juuust the tune.


Love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You wont believe me but I love you only
Id rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

Therell be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue

I want you love, dont wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
Theres no love for nobody else

Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You wont believe me but I love you only
Id rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

Therell be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue

Say I want your love, dont wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
My love is your love
Theres no love for nobody else

attraction

oh, yes. it's good to know you're attractive.

:) i'm not outright sexy like a certain ms tan, but then i never was.



but it's certainly good to know that i am noticed by the boys. (thank you, Lord, Your ways of making me feel loved is extraordinary! i love You, too! ^^)

the shower

yeeeeep the shower and the bath is meant for one: ME.


^^

the truly romantic die of TB

it's better than dying of aids.


then again, those who are truly romantic, had been hurt and aren't willing to chance it again - those visit prostitutes. they pay for love because they either won't take it or they aren't given love.

prostitutes.


every lonely man needs one. and every lonely romantic man needs a pack of condoms.

this is how love should be

"she thinks she needs me" - andy griggs

she thinks i walk on water
she thinks i hung the moon
she tells me every mornin
they just don't make men like you
she thinks i've got it together
she swears i'm as tough as nails
but i dont have the heart to tell her
that she dont know me that well

she dont know how much i need her
she dont know i'd fall apart
without her kiss
without her touch
without her faithful lovin arms
she dont know that its all about her
she dont know i cant live without her
she's my world she's my everything
and she thinks she needs me

sometimes she cries on my shoulder
when she's layin next to me
but she dont know that when i hold her
that she's really holdin me
holdin me

she dont know how much i need her
she dont know i'd fall apart
without her kiss
without her touch
without her faithful lovin arms
she dont know that its all about her
she dont know i cant live without her
she's my world she's my everything
and she thinks she needs me

yea now the funny thing is
she thinks she's the lucky one

she dont know how much i need her
she dont know i'd fall apart
without her kiss
without her touch
without her faithful lovin arms
she dont know that its all about her
she dont know i cant live without her
she's my world she's my everything
and she thinks she needs me

She thinks i walk on water
She thinks i hung the moon

you know you're still in love...

you know you're still in love when an unexpected call makes you smile; that his kisses over the telephone makes you want to dance on the world like some cartoon you see on greeting cards.

you know you're in love when his tenderness makes you tear and you wouldn't exchange this moment for any other moment you've had. ever.





...okay maybe except for the time when you saw that annoying's kid ice-cream fall to the floor.........

regurge.

i feel like throwing up.

okay, here it is:

i'm mad at the whole army thing.


alright. i feel better now.

i have a voice.

in all my years of writing, i never have had issues with "finding my own voice".

never.


but recently, i seem to have to scrabble on the bare rocks of my grasp on language, the landscape of the grasp of the language, when it had been lush before.

or maybe that simply was what i had needed, what i required, nothing more.


maybe i had been living in a desert and had survived on "locusts and wild honey" - and had never tasted the literal joys of having a christmas feast complete with choclate pudding. though - how is that possible?

do i question myself now, after this many years of writing? or is it truly writing?

had i been very simply wringing metaphorical water from the rocks of the language desert that i thought was pure oasis?


now why do i question this?

because someone else told me "it" - my writing - is not good enough?

is it - CAN it, rather - be bad? ahem, let me say that again: CAN it ever be bad? because you - YOU - wrote it?


hm. this, is what i call "pits of growth". pits.



because when you fall into a hole, you realise you can climb.

our feathered friends

i've been watching this particular anime titled tactics, right, and there are three characters. the three main characters are a ghostbuster (ish), a fox spirit and a demon-eating tengu - which is japanese for heavenly dog. all three appear in human form.

tengus tend to be creatures of good and this particular one in the anime is no exception, only he's the stereotypical cool guy of the group: tall, fair of face and possesses a strong silent aura about him. absolutely yummy.

and to add a touch of mystery to him, the chap who'd written the original script's made it such that the yummy tengu is amnesiac.

but i digress...


so the tengu, right, has wings and he can sprout them when he needs some aerial mode of transportation or just for theatrical kicks (kicks as in "just fer kicks", not the literal *atchaaa* kick). here's the thing: i noticed the feathered characters in this anime have a tendency of dropping feathers each time they spread their wings to fly. i mean, i know feathers are romantic. sprinkled about, they can be very, very, er, shall we say - feathery? it's about pillowfights and good, cheeky fun.


i can't help but notice, however, that his wings aren't bald yet at the rate he's dropping them. just look at the birds around you - pigeons, sparrows - hell, ostriches if you live in afrique - just how many feathers do you see them dropping each time they decide to flap their wings? chances are: not many.

if they're dropping feathers by the score then you can be pretty sure that it's shedding season, like how the peacock's backside discards its pretty decorations after the time to impress the ladies had past. truth be told, the amount of feathers left drifting down to the ground whenever that tengu decides to take a flight - i'm surprised his wings are still covered in feathers.


do you suppose he plucks them our of nervousness when he wonders about his past? or maybe he thinks that THAT's distasteful and therefore only tweaks them so they won't fall out?

hmm. well. that man's got some serious stress; what with him having to defend his less-capable friends, having to deal with being a sidekick despite his charming package and, from how the story's presented, the possibilities of being a homo.


man, that chap's got some serious issues. maybe the feathers are indicative of something after all.

nothing like a...

nothing like a dead bug hidden in a rolled-up tissue paper to clear the insecurities/irks. here's how it happened:

i was having a runny nose and had absently pulled a new piece of tissue from the box and, after wiping my nose with it, squished it and proceeded to roll one part of the tissue into a shape that would ahem, clear my nose more effectively.

and as i was ..in the process.. of clearing my other nostril, i noticed something different about the tissue. it smelt different, a bit like, well, not like woodsy pulpy like tissue paper. so, in the same absent manner, i sniffed at it close-range and wondered why it should smell that way at only one end when i had used - well, both ends. and since i found it impossible to describe..

...i moved my hand from under my nose (still holding said rolled tissue) and looked at it. when the image came to focus (close range peering) i hollered and tossed the soiled thing into the crevice between my bed and the wall: there it was, the offending thing, all legs and feeler cocooned within the layers. yes i saw only one feeler.

no i didn't think the OTHER feeler was stuck in my nose then, i was too surprised for that.

and no i didn't know what insect it was, since my immediate concern was that it was far away from me, not identification.


...

it was two cartoon episodes and vigorous huffing exercises later, i decided that i'd rather it rot in the wastepaper bin than behind my bed, if it were really dead of course (some insects do play dead, you know)..............


thus with my thumb and forefinger i picked up the flung tissue and looked at it gingerly, if there's any way to look at anything gingerly.

the good news? it's dead, it's not a baby roach. the bad news? there's ONE, just ONE, but it's there anyway - bug, very much smaller than the original dead one, looks like a mite (yes, it's that small) not far from where the dead bug is. i don't know if it's one of those lil mite-like things that live off other deceased bugs and if it is i'd just had the entire dead bug's worth of it up my nose.......


well. crawling skin aside: the consolation is that no part of the bug could have been left inside of my honker (i'd've felt the scrape if it were).

...i think i'll go back to my anime. >.<

strange thoughts in my mind

i have funny ideas when it comes to men telling me they're doing little more than "nothing" at home, when no one's about.

phobia, is what i think it is. phobia and a deep distrust.


i don't know what that signifies and it sets me on edge.

alien, legal alien

i find it harder and harder to connect with someone, anyone.

this is unusual, for i don't usually have problems with connecting with people. i know i've had the practice "not needing anyone, for that matter", but needing people emotionally is vastly different from needing people in other areas, because you need "the other people" to be around so you can earn their money.

it seems like i'm rather brutally practical about things, whether or not i can take it. if i need it, i will take it. "survivor" is just another word for "rat", i've found: it's near impossible to eradicate this species.

maybe it's professional fatigue that causes me to speak like this, maybe it's physical - hell, maybe both.


it feels good now that i have people there for me. i'm thankful for it... the only shame is that the boyfriend's not there.

i must be without a soul to feel this way!

mousey girl who lives in a town

i find that i'm quite mousey, and that i hardly belong in the urban setting. the only reason i'm here is because i know no other way. if i were to suddenly need to live in the forest, i may adapt rather quickly. the forest is kind, but somehow humans walked out.

maybe the caves weren't numerous enough for all of us, that we have to make our own. and it makes sense to build a big cave, like anthills, only geometrically sound so it doesn't topple.

and then we teach our children how to make things - things we probably wouldn't teach another child lest our child is "outpaced", so to speak. then someone figured that it'd make the place better if we pooled out knowledge and taught everyone everything, and let the ones who are better pursue their knowledge.

then came the people, who still needed the same things they need - only they now know who to get to get the job done. "because little johnny jims is the best cooper in town! i swear it, 'cause just the other day..."

there then came the economy, after groups of people of different capabilities came together, and with the economies, they moved the world.



..ish.

and that "ish" is why i am a mousey girl who lives in a town instead of a mousey urban girl.

bad attitood

i find that women behave badly with their men and watch their reactions in order to see if the men still loved them.

if he's willing to put up with shit (just enough), that means he still does. if he doesn't love her anymore then it's only natural that he won't - cannot - live down the bad attitude.


it's the same with men.

a hamburger

i wish i had a hamburger. i wish i had a nice sandwich. i wish i had...

words in flight

thoughts are so fleeting these days i can barely hold on to them - much less put them onto paper.


hum.

bad skin

yes, it is the bad skin. my nose resembles a flesh-coloured strawberry with the seeds picked out. ugly as heck, and if they sold flesh fillers i'd be the first to buy it off the shelf - but they don't.

it makes me wonder how the skin can become from nice and smooth to ye olde pock-marked and leathery. is it the daily cosmetics, the toner, the scrubbing that makes it tougher? like spending some time in the sand-caressed deserts?

i wonder if it will make things easier if there were ways to make it look smoother, better, suchlike.


...i know i'll never look at a strawberry the same way again. >.<

the internet is another dimension

yes, the internet is another dimension; for what do you call something that can "travel between dimensions but have trouble making it across the room", to obliquely borrow the words from a certain terry pratchet?

yes, it is another dimension unto itself, but the said vessels of er, travel (transfer?) relies on metallic and/or electrical codes (read: laptops, discs, thumbdrives, whatnot). technology has very nearly become magic.


a new brand of sorcery, you think? and the only "mana" is electricity, which is harvested from the earth, still. coincides with the idea that "mana" comes from the earth.

..ya think?

and i miss...

for a fleeting moment, i missed a certain sam wong.

i wondered how he is, i imagined how it'd be if we'd met. would we silently acknowledge each other's presence, or would we simply let it go as that? maybe one of us would try to hold the other's gaze, but one of us would look away.

and for a fleeting moment, that fleeting moment, i was sad.


but i have my love with me, and he is the balloon that prevents me from falling into the sea. and i was free.

blogs and articles

some people hate blogs. they feel that a real piece of writing goes in there, shoots down questions with their answers and wraps up, neat as a pin.

some hate articles. these feel that a dry piece of writing goes in there, shoots down questions with their answers and wraps up, neat as a pin.

heh.


some people!

nightmares and the truth shall set you free

nightmares remind you of the things you do not want to think about - they make it hard to think, hard to breathe. they affirm what you fear and therefore cause you to steer yourself away from that fear.

...mine was of anger, gotten from living with my mum. she'd be the most infuriating person ever; and i don't want to have to deal with that. yes, she's my mum and she brought me up - but i'm not sure i will be giving her and me more grief or that i'll be giving her "a peace of mind" knowing i will be in the room next to hers when i do come back home.

hm. living with her is probably as good as living alone - that's a mother who's there but nowhere to be found most of the time. yes, i want to support her, yes i want to take care of her but i don't think i can live with her. i think i'll feel bad when she passes on, but right now, i don't think i'll choose to live with her even if given the chance.

smarties have the answer!

smartypants? am i smart? am i clever?

am i ...confident; sassy; witty - all the things i want to be? (and creative?)


feh.

i may be smart but i am blind. smart means you won't walk off the cliff. blind is when you don't see the end of the damn cliff.

faux pas

is it better to perform a faux pas and really, really remember the lesson, or to keep quiet and anonymous and take a longer time for the lesson to stick?

eyes

this has got to be one of the best days of my life.

an old lecturer of mine called me up today, and gave me the best gift i can ever hope for - insight, insight and jobs. jobs - well, that goes without saying how it makes me happy - but the fact that he's seen me for who i was, found my talent even before i thought i was remotely close to being "good" at it.

when he first met me i was still studying - he told me "you are a writer."

and all i could do was to smile, against my raging, hammering heart upon hearing those words - how can i be a writer, when i am studying design? it must be hogwash. besides, we've only just met! how -

but those words rang true. i knew it was true.

but daren't believe it. i daren't believe it, because it was sounded too close to my dreams, too close to my secret wish to be a writer. what if, oh Lord, what if i believed him, pursued it and found that oh, holy cripes, i'm not the person he thought i was, i could be? i didn't know which was worse: disappointing him or disappointing myself and therefore my own er, destiny - for lack of a better word.

it may sound terribly dramatic to you, but there is no other way i will - can - put it to you right now.


it's not easy to know, nor to explain, but knowing someone saw what you are even before you knew what you will become - is, is - oh, for God's sakes!

i've found it! i've found it again! my passion!

for a long while i wandered about in the professional front, poking my nose into a myriad of vocations in search of a possible "use" of my good self, from design to illustration to heck, even merchandising and sales - hoping to find something that i can excel at in the belief that whatever good that must come has to be worked for, sought after, demanded for, begged, jumped through hoops for - when all this while, i've had it. i've had it, i've had it and i've had it, through and through!

all i needed was this one person who saw, who believed in me. if that's not a visionary born years ago to touch this life, i don't know what is.

so thank you, mr t, for being the person to bring this to me at this point. THANK you. because you are the "guai lan" person i know you to be, so i know i can trust without having guess at your words' meanings; because you were and are my mentor. thank you, from the core of... -cough- from the core of me.


..and that's how i know this is a path i have to take, for better or for worse. this is the feeling of satisfaction, of happiness and trust that i've been looking for, through these two years.

THANK you.

sometimes

sometimes it is just harder to understand what it is that makes the whole world move. i start out as a whelp two years ago, was - am - rather dumb, ignorant. and i'm thinking, maybe i've learnt something, eh? it's been some time since i last started working.

unfortunately it ain't the case.

i hang out with the people i used to hang out with, and bam! i realise i'm still the young whelp that i was. maybe because they're still many years older than i am and i am their "young friend".

so often i feel like a fish out of water because i don't quite know what to say. financial jargon, societal ineptitude - not that i am that, but because i do not know enough. it sounds like that to my ears and if i sound like that by gods they must think i am superbly ignorant!

others aren't as forgiving as my own good self am. bear that in mind.

(fe)male bosses

sometimes it's hard working for a male: you have to deal with gender issues (sexual harassment - from previous bosses - being one of them), egos the size of mars yet show signs of bruising at the slightest puff of air, having to sweet talk your way to "approval"... it's like working for a woman (in the unpredictable sense) with some differences.

yes, those stories about having to put up with "i ain't talkin' to ya" behaviour from grown men are true. it's fortunate to say that not all men display this kind of childishness, like how not all women have a penchant for extended bouts of shopping.

it might be different working for a lady boss, though fortunately - or unfortunately - i haven't the direct chance. the closest is karen, my lady publisher. she's sweet, forthright and doesn't pull punches. genuine. i respect that.

helps that she's got very likeable manners, too. pair that up with ambition - gosh. that's who i want to be before i turn 30.


..big shoes. looks like i'll have to work hard!