today

for the first time in a long time today, i felt bad about myself.

i had gone to new asia bar where equinox restaurant is, and i had felt so ill at ease that i would sooner break the windows with a high chair and the leap through the damage that i had done just to get out of there. when i thought about it though, i hadn't really much of an idea why i had so wanted to leave.

it could be the fact that i had been scrutinised upon my entrance (mostly men who are having drinks at that overpriced location at six, for some reason) or it could be that the service was bad (no forks nor knives and the only cutlery when they were serving pizza we had were chopsticks - the kind made out of pine that you have to snap apart - plus having my beer spilt onto my toes when the waiter was pouring it for my colleagues. that was after one of the barstaff refused to serve our table. i don't understand why. no, really. i don't understand why) - oh, i don't know.

i'm thinking both, though i'm swaying more towards the former when i'm scrutinised again on the way out, especially on the way out, because for some funny reason one of the ladies have pointed me out, it seems, to a gentleman companion of hers and he in turn had stared at me as i walked out, with my usual orange handbag and jacket. it might be because i was hauling a humongous paper bag, i don't know.

maybe they hadn't seen big brown paperbags before and therefore felt the need to stare.


whatever it is, i was very thankful by the time i reached the elevator located outside the bar - i thought i wouldn't make it alive, what with those looks (i can't tell if they're benign or otherwise. truth be told, i can't care less but i just hate to be stared at, it makes me itch inside) that follow me wherever i go.

no, i'm not being sensitive. THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME. whether or not they remember me later on is another matter altogether - I HATE BEING STARED AT.


good god. why can't people just behave normally? know that i'm there and leave it at that? can't people be more civil??? geebus.