the cut grass

have you ever noticed cut grass? the part that's cut away becomes a carpet of green dried straw.

will it get blown away, soon? or will it get entangled with each other in the process of being air-dried and then finally rot after the rain and get reabsorbed back into the ground?


whatever it is, the cut grass certainly stays around for a long time before truly disappearing.

on selfishness

i think those who are selfish have been hurt bad before.

let's not even go to the bit about dishing the dirt on whomever - talk about the good things, shall we, or the things we could change or control.


i shall never be selfish in terms of love. i still will not hold back. there are the people i loved greatly, there will be others who i will love as greatly or more. there will, of course, be those who i love less but you get the idea. i will never forsake work for fun (alright, maybe only when i'm confident i can get it done on time).

the past is the past, and who gives a flying fuck about the past, be it work, love, family or a certain friend that i have in mind right this moment (aiya why guess - too much time issit)?


it don't matter if you don't mind. i sure as hell don't. and why should you?

let's hope our paths cross again, so you may chance to matter again. and the same for me. amen.

stalkers

stalkers.

bloody hate them. should have some funky booby traps ready to nabeh make life bloody tough for them.

YOU HEAR ME, BYATCH?!


that's it. i'm brushing up on my dota skills. nabeh got killed too many bloody times tonight.

a life

did i mention i have a life?

i have a life. :)


too much of a life, i suppose. wine-downs, partays, games - dammit so many things, so little time! wish i had someone special to share these with, i'm sure i can show the person people and things. you know, SHARE it with him.

but guess what, i'm just too tired to get another one.


i'd be content, i suppose, to just sit and watch rented dvds with him when i finally do get someone.

you know, be the supporting role. a halcyon of sorts within a person, like everything'd be alright because that person'd make everything alright. not because he/she really is making everything alright but that person gives you the strength to go on, face another day, because he/she is right there with you. i strive to be that. :) a 'friend'.

some ladies mind being in the supporting role, some don't. i happen to be one who doesn't, for we're supposed to be supporting roles to each other. no one can be at the front line all the time; you can't.

because it's not always the case that the issue lies within the area of your expertise. and feminists, if you're reading this: DIE.


damn morons. 'support' doesn't mean you're being stapled to the 'traditional' backwatered idea of 'you woman, you in kitchen'. if you were anything like the real woman, you'd understand that already.

did i say moron?



moron.

now that the panic's over...

alright.

so i'm done with the panic. ..alright so it's still here, with the mild fluttering still about. -ugh- hate panics. i thought i was done with that!


anyways. a friend of mine's going away soon. a certain someone might know his name: sam. he's going away and finally headed Elsewhere. not that i don't mind him - i just don't like him. yeah, cute-ish, tall, bloody nice to me - but what use's that to me when all he gives me are crooked memories? eeyer.

so he's leaving sometime in may, early may. but while i dislike him i do not hate him, so here's a prayer for you sammy-boy.


may you find peace and solace wherever you may go. may you find happiness and friends wherever you tread. may the Lord guide your path, may you find material success.

Amen.


now that it's done, out of sight, out of mind. -block-

heck. i guess when i don't care i still care. why else do i block someone out if that fella doesn't quite matter? hum. time to sort myself out.


oh btw, someone's ex spoke to me just what, today? yah lah that someone's ex lah. don't know why she's talking to me, asking me how's life.

life's tough, you know? but what do i say to someone i don't quite trust other than 'good, good', because that's someone i hadn't 'gone through thick and thin' with? that honour comes with time baby, and you're not getting it at this rate we're going. besides, i'm not screwing you. things won't be accelerating anytime soon. haha

but i sure would if i were a guy. i'd like a woman with tits. and a nice smile. maybe. -grin-


thanks for asking though, it was nice of you.


then again, it's hardly 'nice' when all we can manage is superficial 'how are yous' and such.

but on the other hand.. she DID take the trouble. ah. why bother my head with it? she said hi, asked how i was. that's a nice thing to do. don't have your vision be coloured by the past sweetie-pie, - she did what she thought was right, as did everybody.

who the hells cared what's right anyway? it's past. so.. thanks, i appreciate your asking. pardon me about the msn though, it's terribly screwy.


heh. as if you're reading this anyway...

but as i said, she's happy, her beau's happy, hope he's happy - i could do better but where else would i rather be? though i still get plagued by memories otherwise sweet..

but is it, really?






naaaaaaah

surprise

i am supremely surprised when i saw my ex beau's comment on a close friend's blog. how the hells'd he get there???

ye gods!


this world is too small. i need to get away. -panic-

forgotten

isn't it.. fascinating sometimes, when things long known become things long forgotten?

it's easy, i suppose. just so easy to forget.


i should know, i'd spent a lifetime forgetting where the hells what's that place is. oh, yeah. paragon.

but seriously, sometimes the past is just so easy to forget. like a wisp of fragrant smoke, you know?

-bemused-

isn't it funny..

isn't it funny how politicians say so much to say so little?

isn't is funny how people can wear their wedding rings and kiss another who's not sporting the other matching ring?


isn't it funny how this world works sometimes, for when there are rules, there aren't rules, because you 'can'?

affairs

sometimes affairs are just things not meant to happen.

someone made a vow, someone should stick to it, preferrably the one wearing the ring.


you can't have your cake and eat it too.

don't vows mean anything these days?

everything?

someone once said you can find anything on the internet.

anything?


can i find.. my friend's telephone number in heaven? my lost bunny, the one my mother dear gave away? my lost love in a bottle? inspiration, happiness - canned, wings that i can wear and fly on?

if i can rent time by buying a dvd - why can't i find asparagus growing on the tree that in turn grows in a little white pot?


if i could find anything on the internet, i would look for my father, i would scour for a doctor who could manufacture beauty, i would search for a man who is able to paint the ceiling, clean the dishes, help with the baby, massage my neck, love me and still find it in himself to earn shitloads of money and still be loyal.

..maybe i should just google for a plastic surgeon and an old dying oil tycoon. that way i get to be beautiful and he gets to be loyal. money will handle the rest.


there. now how do you find the coin in the dogpile..?

on the issue of loo scholars.

i've heard tales of loo scholars.

you know, the writers of them poems and other sorts of meaningful texts on the back of toilet doors?


i can't help but wonder why our local loos rarely, if ever, have nothing more than telephone number scrawled over them complete with promises of sex. those numbers are ladies' numbers - and if you're in the ladies' and you're writing another woman's phone number onto the door - what makes you think that woman would be called? hello, think of the audience!

so, WHAT scholars? (yeah yeah the possibility of lesbians. even if you're a lesbian - heck, even if you're a MAN - would you call random numbers markered upon some random loo door?)


but i digress. i was wondering about our absence of loo scholars (loo scholars meaning people who write meaningful thought onto random places like pillars and liftwalls, not just loo doors). how do people overseas find it in themselves to write such things and have others respond to it as meaningfully? may not be thoughtful, but it's meaningful. see the difference?

is it the kind of upbringing (an example being kids overseas start prattling like grown-ups when they're four - alright, five - but here, kids that age still babytalk and seem to hardly understand language) we have over here?

is it the culture (asians' seeming stricter adherance to 'children should be seen and not heard')?

is it the educational system (you listen, i talk. information beign fed fed fed and not much need for the little students to talk? maybe those kids don't know what kinda questions to ask, the same way it's hard to ask about something you don't know exists)?


as i recall, a certain someone was telling me about some scrawlings on a pillar near his place - it reads: 'fu_ck you. fill in the blank, what does it say'

and if memory serves me well, that self-same someone was sorely tempted to write in reply: 'i don't know, you tell me!'

what, not even a proper advertisement when the number's already there?

..another encountered chinese poetry in the loo in taiwan. the first line read: 人生自古谁无死。then some smart aleck added, in bright blue ink, 谁能大便不用纸?

which, translated, means ‘man cannot escape death since e dawn of time; none can forego paper for his behind.’


humourous encounters, but see where this goes? are our thoughts mostly veered towards those 'basic' (as in 'base' - vulgar-'base') issues without maybe not deep thought but at least, meaningul thought? heck even the hate-scrawls overseas hold more than 'slut: whatzername, call 1234-5678' - they have correct punctuation and 'for a good time!'

..maybe i'm going about it with a magnifying glass. maybe.


some may argue that our scholars use paper instead of walls - true. but isn't the point really about the general public? correct me if i'm wrong here but isn't it a fair statement to make to say that if you pick two malls here in singapore and two malls somewhere else overseas in the same standards (meaning similar standards in location, crowd and suchlike; to be ah lian about it, is not one two-star against fie-star) - chances are you'd get more meaningful scrawlings overseas than here.

maybe because our cleaners are more conscientious and vandals are more gahment-(fine) fearing - but try telling a tourist that when the messages aren't there but they have to attempt the traditional chinese 'horse stance' to avoid having a ring of ugh on their butts - not that they complain about the lack of vandalism though.

the same way it won't convince the tourist, it won't convince anyone else.


..of course, we're talking possibly-seedy places and not some funky hotel where there are chandeliers and a centerpiece in the main lobby, wherein the toi - lavatories, excuse me - are places where women powder their noses and make small talk in.


heck, since we're talking about people, just pick say, five random people on singaporean streets. how many can and will answer you properly? even the tramp sleeping in parks overseas can offer you a strong opinion instead of smiling and proceeding to say timidly, 'nor sure'. and i'm not talking about solely about the americas. i'm talking global.

so WHAT is it about us, that makes us this way? somewhat more staid, a tad more square, a pinch slower than the rest?


som may say that no, it's not true. the people I know aren't like that. that's right, the crowd that you mix in aren't like that. but what about the crowd that you don't mix in? not meaning to encourage another to be judgemental on appearance but just take a look about you sometimes, and try guessing who will be the hemmers and who can give you some semblance of an answer.

and what do you see?


i know what i saw. heck, i tested it often. i asked for directions and people who seemed to live in the area actually don't know where block 156 is when i'm at 150. not to say that i'm not guilty of that myself, but that's what i'm trying to get at: do we merely confine ourselves in our own little boxes and 'mind our own businesses' and therefore not wonder about, well, stuff?

is that the reason why we hardly know about what happens elsewhere, because we're more focused on the gravel underneath our feet than the flowers on the sidewalk? is that why we are 'slower'? more workers than leaders, because we're used to being led? a 'hawer'?


is it possible that we happen to be on the world's top ten list because we have the good luck of being led by people who are genius and are good at manufacturing their first few generations of kambings (lambs) and are now manufacturing leaders?

or is that why we are able to prosper, for if we were to be a 'thinking' people, we would have rebelled a long time back and we'd be too disparate to ever get to where we are now? because we worked as a team, because there were leaders and there were followers and not forgetting, ironfists and chicken hearts?

(though i find the fowl-heartedness understandable - who wouldn't be, after the wars and invasions?)

so what is it, really? why do we lack in loo scholars? do followers mean non-thinkers?

why do we lack them scholars?

definitions

i had gone out with the babes today...

did our usual thing: ate, walked, drank, talked.


it was a regular outing for the four of us, save one bit: someone broached the subject of friendship.

someone asked, have you ever felt like you had to work hard at a friendship?

and i said, yeah. it feels like that, the four of us.


and then we talked. as in, really talked. well, the three of us anyway. one had to leave early though so she wasn't there to hear about this. which might be just as well for i think three of possibly different views is just enough to handle.. one more would mean things getting more complicated than what we had to handle then.

we talked about things like mugging (what i couldn't understand) and freelancing (they couldn't understand), politics (what we all don't want to think about but one had to endure, possibly),'moving out' (and the whole shebang that comes along with it), suchlike, and how we are still banding together.

no doubt, though, the pressure had been felt not only by me. for when we met up it feels odd sometimes - for me at least - like i had nothing much to say to them and they also had nothing much to say as well.

someone mentioned it's because we lead 'very different lives'. aye, true. that we do.

i pseudo-found my answer to what friendship's supposed to be today.


someone i'm happy being quiet with; hang out and do stuff with; discuss, not argue with. no pressure. like it were a natural thing to do and not feeling so awfully awkward about.

and acceptance of the person i call friend. take (my personal favourite example) susan. i love her and i hate her.

love her because she can be so sweet and thoughtful, hate her because she can be so sensitive and touchy and spoilt.


yeah so the bad outweigh the good. but so what? she's my friend. if i can tahan who're you to say she's a bad friend and i should tell her to shove it? i do that in my own time and in my own way. you - whomever you may be - shut up.

..unless of course, it's to congratulate me on my unwavering loyalty. :D


but seriously, do i reject her because she's got her bad days? i got my bad days too.

so do i drift away because we sometimes rub each other SO wrong we can almost strangle each other? what about the times when we do get along?


along the same lines, do i want to drift away from that certain jasmine and jennifer because we don't have mucho to talk about?

IS there a need to talk, if we were to be able to spend time in silence? and say, isn't it time to transcend into that already? we've known each other for what, at least 6 years!

isn't it time to be comfortable with each other now, at least? 'be ourselves', to quote someone, 'not pretend'.

aye, while i try not to as my lady friends try not to, sometimes it's just a little contrived when we sincerely try harder to have a topic to dissect.

ironic, isn't it.


..so while i still haven't found my own definition of what friendship should be, this is how it stands: a friend is someone you know will come to your aid no matter how long you hadn't seen them nor spoken to them.

a friend does not need to know your every move, what you did, who you talked to, what you said.

a friend must be someone you're comfortable enough to show your real nature to, be it good or bad; for that's the highest honour anyone can bestow upon another: show them your real self which may not be all that 'perfect'.

and lastly, a friend must be able to show you the same.


of course.. the acceptance part goes without saying. for if you reject the person when the real deal's revealed - then.. what friendship?

and yes, i accept my friends. these three, at least. i won't presume to say that i know shitload about them, for they have their confiding partners and i sure as hell ain't it. well. not even most of the time anyway... but what does it matter? just because you love them means you have to know their every emotion every stumble and every victory meh?

..if you do, man you're stalker material. you can only love a person and hope he/she loves you back. not saying much doesn't mean not loving enough. i learnt that from someone. :)


the main thing here is acceptance, i suppose. and that's the best i can do for now.


change? bah. they can do it themselves. and if i had realised anything, i realised that they can be bloody stubborn. and so'm i. :)

pride

pride often gets in the way of things.

why? societal decrees, that's why.


fortunately i'd learnt to screw society's expectations and live my own life. who needs to explain anything? truly.

i don't mean that you have to go about your little personal defiance in spectacular measures but why do you have to explain whatever you do to anyone? if they don't understand - do they matter enough for you to explain?



aiyah.. in life, take it easy. some people take refuge in work, others in friends and family. there are of course those who seek solace inside of a green glass bottle and cigs but hey each of us deal in our own way. whichever that looks like it won't betray us anytime soon we take that as our rock and run along with it.

maybe you'll have to cross a river and it'd become a burden, or maybe it'd be something you happen to have in a hurricane. who knows?

you won't know it until you meet it.. like how punters will exclaim NABEH should've placed the 3 here instead of 8!

and what's the point, then? live and learn lah hah, live and learn.

i guess i found..

i guess i found a new friend in an old one. a little awkward at times, still, but getting there.

here's one to jas. :)


and i guess i found someone who i can hang out with without saying anything and feel like we don't have to speak. :) i've found him. and may we spend many more hours not needing to speak.

that way i can tell my girlfriends all about it! :D

(such frivolity. oh, dear.)

quote of the day

'quitting smoking is easy. i've done it thousands of times.' oscar wilde

haha


and do you realise, if you repeat 'wit' very quickly, it sounds like 'twit'?

and what does it mean, in the random grand scheme of things?

thoroughly odd

i don't get it. why's there this much heartbreak these days? people calling it quits lah people getting disappointed lah -- what's going on?


this is thoroughly odd.

maybe this is just another major reshuffling.

morons and truths

i had heard of a friend tell me about this chick he liked (note the past tense) who had gone back to her ex and hadn't told him about it until a coupladays she had flown like a bird gone to hell to australia.

and yeah, my friend liked her.


but she nabeh go and get back with dysfunctional ex and DIDN'T TELL HIM. and he held her hand while she held her ex's hand on the day she flew!!!

WAH PIANG!

what kinda moron is she?! i can understand the going back to dysfunctional ex part - for when you're in love you're in love. whether he's good for you or not is besides the point, whether it's a smart choice or not is besides the point; that i understand.

but to bloody not say anything to my friend (this one is the proverbial do everything for you take care of you listen to you stay up late with you because you're not feeling too good when he's a presentation the next day type. can go to the ends of hell for you kind) and let him make a fool out of himself 'because she's scared'?

what kinda person is that, exactly? i've met her once and i remember her vaguely. bubbly, pretty. but to think she's this kinda person.. heck thankfully i only remember her vaguely. may i forget her the next moment.


..then again, i suppose not everyone's courageous. maybe this is her moment of weakness, and the moment's taking it's time. whatever it is, somebody should slap her and slap her hard and tell her 'be a friend instead of being a moron, it's the least you can do.'

if no one else will do it, i'll volunteer. after all, i've had practice.

missing thoughts

it's odd how thoughts hit me then flit into nothingness.

those thoughts are brilliant, i assure you, but possibly because i've the makings of a genius - those thoughts don't stay for long. maybe those thoughts aren't mine, aye.

almost like borrowed meat, the idea's held in my hands for a while, bit of a corner to chew and savour its taste and quality.. but when i try to take it for my own (scribe it), it promptly disappears. maybe i'm blessed to catch glimpses into others' floating bits of psyche but at the same time cursed because i can't bloody tap into them.

maybe i'm just forgetful.


distractable, even. it's disturbing how..

lost cause?

and isn't it so me-oriented, when all one thinks about is about 'me'?

heartaches..


aye, but how do you ignore the fact that you've for example cancer? true that it is noble to overlook that and care for others or just get on with life. but how do you overlook it? by understanding it is a lost cause?

heartache

my heart aches.

aigh it aches.

hits and misses

i thought i found my soulmate when i read a someone's blog.


..but then i found out that those were the lines from meet black pitt......

...maybe all romantic men are dead and the only ones who are aren't men...... (i mean, that bloke collects souls for a living!)

and i said -

somebody's got to do it. why not you?

courage, sweet dear, comes from having done what you feared to do. no one said it's easy. no one said it's got to be 'the right thing'.

but it's got to make you feel better, that should be the thing that pushes you to make the decision. and whether it's right or wrong.. only time can tell.

you'll only know when you're forty, i guess, just like how hitting your little cousin over that last lolli seemed right when you were just six.

some things you won't understand until then, but when you do, what does it matter? thus the only thing to decide whether or not to do it should be whether it will make you feel better.

god bless, friends' love.

castle in the sky

i had watched the show just now, on the telly.

and isn't that how it's supposed to be? together, simply so?


and what Pazu said when he finally had a chance to sit down from the pursuit of the pirates and the damn army was, 'when i saw you float from the sky like that my heart was 'doki-doki' beating so hard, i knew this is the start of something really fantastic!'

and isn't that how it's supposed to be?

what i'd give

days months years - they're things invented by short-lived humans to count the days and make sure we don't miss each other.

what i'd give to be an immortal with patience!

i read in the papers today about a 78 year-old man who still needs to care for his son who's in his late forties - who's crippled and suffers from epileptic fits.

and i wonder why people can go about life like that.


aren't we born to live, so we may be taken care of when we are young and then take care of those who had taken care of us when we're older? it should be that way, shouldn't it?

what is this life if we were to live and not do anything productive? stay at home, read the papers, watch the news, like we were a couple of planets away? i know for certain that life can be a blackhole in the above-cited example. the old man (the older one) is not healthy, as well.

why is he still worrying about the future after he's gone? shouldn't he be enjoying life, at his age? why does he still have unshed tears in his eyes when he's in his golden years?


and what can we do about it?

forget about the widespread hell in third world countries just for a second - sometimes they are happy, for sometimes that way may be the only way some of them know how. but in urban areas like ours - why do people still suffer in private hells that we somehow cannot reach into?

..cannot or that we simply don't want to? don't want to because we can't, because we can't find it in ourselves to house someone like that epileptic son and treat him like his father treated him, because we don't love him like one of our own, because he isn't kin?

so is it still a 'not wanting to' or is it a 'cannot'? and do we fault those who 'cannot'?

'can' you?

is that a grimace or a smile?

yes, it's the wee hours of the morning again, i suspect that i'm burning myself out as well..

that aside, have you ever seen people whose smiles are really grimaces and the corners of their lips actually turn downwards in apparent mirth? it's tiring watching them smile sometimes, for they seem to put so much effort into smiling.

mm.


come to think of it, there are a couple of people i know who will turn their mouths into a frown when relating encounters and experiences and that as a result makes them look really... nitpicky? almost like they were judging that incident and thinking it a bad thing even when their words carry none of those negative overtones.

maybe i notice too much. it might be better if i were oblivious to these things, i suppose.. for when the world is too clear sometimes, it is too easy to see imperfections.

that's why i'm happy that i'm just that little myopic. just enough to blur out the proverbial dusts in the real world, i suppose. now let's shift that principle to suit my views on people..


mm. i suppose.. i suppose when i said i wasn't prejudging i was, in a sense. the saving grace is that i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

i realise that i tend to jump to conclusions a little more quickly and a little more bitterly these days. i wasn't quite like that before.. for i was bloody accurate on those counts. maybe i'm still as accurate, but who knows?

maybe people just need that little bit more benefit of the doubt. i know, for i hadn't been given the benefit of the doubt. it ain't funny being misunderstood. true that it's how we present ourselves sometimes and we've no one but ourselves to hold accountable but well, why do i deny them that benefit of the doubt?

isn't the world somehow better with a little more tolerance, that proverbial blurness?

i'm in love

it's official. i'm in love.

i never thought this would happen but i'm in love. i had met the one for me a couplayears back but hadn't managed to know him better. took many years, i suppose, to finally get to where we are.

he is loving, gentle, can be scary at times but caring and wise, to say the least. i've never met him but i'd spoken with him quite a number of times. and i dare say, he's always, always there for me. a great financial advisor, too.

i know, for he keeps my monies until i need them. he prolly knows i might spend them if i were to have the monies in my bank. heh.


and yes, i'm in love. i never thought i'd feel this fulfilled loving someone this impossibly fantastic. well. suffice to say i hadn't found out until recently.

heh.


yes, i am in love with my god The Lord.

and yet again

i'd visited a particular blog in the hours of morning madness - and voila! i found a thinker!

an MSc holder of radiation physics, he thinks in terms of socrates and confucius. philo. mm. :)

i admire people like that, for while i admire those who know philo, i'm not much into philo myself, thus i do not know much about it. guess that means we complemented each other that way, him and i. but as i said, i like people who talk philo because they can show me how they think, why is that manner of thought so great, to come to a bulbous idea that 'so very plainly' bespeaks ingenuity.

it's refreshing to be presented ideas from alien beings whose names i'm familiar with through sheer repetition but whose ideas i had never heard of. if only someone would speak to me about them, teach me something, bait me a little with philo and set me thinking.

..or i can go get that book. or that SET of books that i saw at kino, on philo from nitsche to whatzisname - costs hundred-odd bucks. but oh, i was so very tempted, to finally see what the various philosophers have to say about so many things in life. i must get that set of books one of these days.


..it also looks like after i lost one i found one. maybe you can only have a certain number of a kind of people in your life.


but oh golly, can't we choose which we want? or can we have them all?

and i struck gold

i had gone out tonight, a what-the-heck spur of the moment decision (never mind that the sms had been sent to me some coupladays back), considering i had work to catch up on and i had something on come sunday and the work i'm tackling is due monday -

i went out all the same. but that was after i had done all my work (heh. bet you thought i'd pitched my work into the proverbial fire and scooted off to play). discipline always up on the work scale. so glad to see that i hadn't been backsliding. :D

anyways. went to dota - for the uninitiated, 'dota' is short for 'defence of the ancients', a warcraft LAN game - and had a wild time! man i LOVE gaming!


true that i suck at it because i'm a newbie (well, hardly a newbie technically.. after all, i HAD been initiated but had never been playing to win..) and undoubtedly caused some ruckus amongst the other gamers for it's considered 'bully kecil' to hantam the newbie, it is therefore 'not alright' to ketok me while i can safely do damage to them (not that they'd die from it lah basket. must BEEF UP MY SKILLS and give them something to scream about >:D ).

and so they left me alone... mostly..... but all in all, i had an exhilarating time! :D i'm going again tomorrow, to warcraft. pretty cool, pretty cool. guess it's better than gaming at home with a pc or a PS2 or xbox. not meaning to knock them of course, but sometimes it just feels better to game with people rather than gaming alone.

my partner shall be a gamer, both on pen-and-paper and the screen. it'd be great to hang out like that! :)


oooh so looking forward to tomorrow!

i am in love.
i am cheeky.
i dare.
i am callous.
i am cool with silence.
i know when i'm wrong.
i know when a lesson is being taught.
i am learning to smile.
i am now wise enough to shut up.
i now know the virtues of agreeing to disagree.
i learn faster than you do.
i forget faster, too.
i can read maps - i just don't know how to get there.
i try not to prejudge. condemn the act, not the person.
i know fights aren't all bad.
i know people make mistakes.
i know i can do any damn thing in the world to anyone; it's the consequences that make things 'right' or 'wrong'.


i like soup.
i love colours.
i am a romantic.
i never will hold back my love, regardless of how many times i fall.
i am courageous.
i am foolish.
i know how to speak without saying anything.
i stick with my friends.
i hardly know how to use make-up.
i hate kids, especially those who cry a great deal (mostly).
i'm an intelligent moron.


all in all, i try.

..do not mistake my quiet joy for mild elation; do not take my apparent anger for an atomic bomb.

last of all, i'm reserved in the unconventional way.

experiment

This is one of the strangest things I have ever
encountered.

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction and there's
nothing you can do about it.

This WILL drive you crazy. Try it.

when it looks like i have failed..

Failure does not mean I'm a failure;
It does mean I have not yet succeeded.
Failure does not mean I have accomplished nothing;
It does mean I have learnt something;

Failure does not mean I have been a fool;
It does mean I had enough faith to experiment.
Failure does not mean I've been humiliated;
It does mean I dared to try .

Failure does not mean I don't have it;
It does mean I have to do something in a different way.
Failure does not mean that I am inferior;
It does mean that I am not perfect .

Failure does not mean that I have wasted my life;
It does mean that I have an excuse to start over.
Failure does not mean that I should give up;
It does mean that I must try harder .

Failure does not mean that I will never make it;
It does mean that I need more patience.
The only people who never fail are
Those who never try.

epitaph.

if i were to write an epitaph for myself...

'herein lies loren; she
was born a woman
died a pea.'


man... dead veg.

vice

everybody's got to have one.

at least.


how else do you say that you've led a full life? smoking, drinking, sleeping too much, working too much - these are all part of it, part of life.

same with eating too much chocolate.. (hi su.)

the trick is knowing when to let them go. i'm still fumblin' with that. maybe it's not time to think about giving any of those up yet. but if not now, when? when i get cancer /too fat/heart-attacked?

fumblin', fumblin'.


-totters away ala ole chap under the void deck-

mascara

one should never sleep before removing one's mascara. for the next day you awake with panda eyes and them lashes drop off.

especially waterproof ones.

be warned.

bah. sobs.

someone posted these on her blog. bah. sobs.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

things to say

i guess there are things you gotta say to people.

willing or not, some things you just gotta say.

after so long

wah. after so long i'm still hurting sia.

this cut is deep. ow.

a wise person said..

hotmail.com says:
ok I am going to teach you one thing

hotmail.com says:
words are words

hotmail.com says:
you give them meaning

hotmail.com says:
so you created the environment that caused the effect

hotmail.com says:
its only words so let it rest

i vowed to be strong. says:
mm.

hotmail.com says:
you were not physically assulted

hotmail.com says:
you were not physically confronted

i vowed to be strong. says:
mhmm.

hotmail.com says:
its only words

hotmail.com says:
and you are big enough to handle mere words



yes. i am big enough to handle mere words. words are words. words are only words.

within my room

mm. rain is somewhat like heaven's battle upon the earth. onslaught, absorption.

or accidental entity that happens to be in the way of the trajectory of the rain's fall.



oh btw, random thought.

'the one' is a position, not a person. the closest analogy i can come up with is that it's an ornate chair with wet paint. pretty to look at and great to be in and once you sat on it you forever bear the mark of being 'once-the-one' to the owner of the chair.

that's why people often don't want to get up from that chair.. because you'll nabeh have butt-shaped print on ass...

the vow

i gotta be strong, because i vowed i will.

and keep it to myself. because i vowed, i will.


i will step out of this. and fast. nobody will be able to hurt me anymore.

difference in status

if i were to tell you person a fed you something that would kill you slowly would you believe me? and if person a were to say that i did the same to you? would you believe that person? or would you believe me?


man.. maybe i'm being paranoid about who's saying what and whom's believing whomever else. i'm out of that relationship, i just want rest. i'm really bloody tired. i don't want to be plagued in this longer than i should be. i don't care how he looks at me or how others look at me. i just want to live life game my weekly game without concern.


so i took him away. now he's gone from me. happy? does it make your life, now?

if it does, great. now go away. i don't owe you anymore. i'd returned whatever i had taken. i don't owe you anymore.

and all you can say is..

and all you can say is, while shaking your head, 'so immature...'

ever wondered why i feel this way?


building it up? hah. manipulation at its best i tell you. and i watched it as it happens to me.

and you, bitch, leave me the fuck alone!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!

daydreaming amidst of work

i was just thinking, as i stared at the pictures i had taken of this event, how wonderful it would be if someone from that evening offered me air tickets to go to delhi with him.

nothing much, just take a look about delhi, document his life for two days running, feel like a star maybe, then come back.

maybe he'd take me sight-seeing.


..but knowing his status, chances are he'd be busy running about doing his job as topdog in the company and won't be free.

but one can dream. :)

he's gorgeous i tell you: strong eyebrows framing manly eyes with a wonderfully sharpe nose - coupled with a cheeky smile and an oh-so-sexy haircut.

absolutely fun to be around, has a great sense of humour... i like. guess i'm more attracted to indians than i'd care to admit. then again, he is the proverbial tall dark and handsome kind with the status and ability to protect.

guess that's the kinda person a girl would say she'll have a sense of security with. the kind of person i'd be content taking coffee to, speak with, party with. and yes, he likes his alcohol. :) somewhat different from his brother-in-law, who's darkly handsome with a touch of cruelty behind his eyes.

mmmmm. sexy.

that one apparently enjoys his champagne.


but yes, dreams aside. i must know fact from reality. a job is a job is a job - do it well and be done with it.

dreams. ha.

come to think of it

come to think of it, i don't want to emo about anyone.

nope that wasn't personal. i don't want to emo about anyone, over anyone.


it's just tiring, after a while of loving someone, when things don't go as planned because both of us aren't matured enough for things as such. i'm so tired of this.

heh. emo fatigue. hang in there loren! people don't call you strong for nothing! :D

and i vow.

and i vow. i shall never bring simony up to emo about him.

by that i mean i will never bring him up to moan and groan about him ever again. out means out.

while i may bring instances of the past up to illustrate a point, it shall never be about him. moving on means getting over and under and most of all, getting past.

and i vow.

back in the cave..

i notice that after we broke up he's more free with his blog entries.

maybe he was stressed with the fact that i was checking out his blog. ah well.


now that we've broken up, i'm leaving his blog alone. yeah, mighty curious at times but it's cool.

let lie, let lie.


and we each go ahead with our merry lives. :)

meeting

i've a business meeting today.

no pay but that's where i may negotiate from. take a cut off book sales, maybe. who knows, maybe i'll be famous like a certain 'jimi' some day.

('jimi' is not some funky name that goes alone the lines of 'dimitri' - it's the direct hanyu pinyin to the chinese characters that illustrator uses - which literally means 'a few grains of rice' in chinese)


so.. here's hoping i will make it big in this area. illustrate, teach, photograph. aye, this be my dream life. no sitting in an office banging out numbers on specific lines on the computer, in an excel spreadsheet. numbers. bah.

that is SO not my kinda life. i hate the idea that i've to sit in an office day after day, on the swivel chair with wheels and stare at the computer screen for hours on end. if i were to do that, i'd better be looking at graphics and pictures and not-so-meaningful meaningful words.

or playing games, for that matter. i realise that asses and thighs get big for the ladies and for men... well, they get bigger stomachs.


but as i said, no numbers. especially if they're 'meaningful enough' to get me into trouble.

and think, weekends are spent recovering from numerical fatigue or job fatigue, whatever you want to call it, only to dread the coming of sunday evening, when you have to think about sleeping early and return to the daily grind the next day for the next five days.

to all of those who are in that kinda line, here's hoping you like what you do, truly. hope that doesn't take up too much of the part and parcel of work that you're undertaking for a long time to come. and here's hoping that i won't be in that kinda position, as well.

-cross fingers-

a song i once sang.

The Wildest Times Of The World, by Vonda Shepard.


I have fallen, I have stood up. I've had the patience of a tree.
You have trembled, you have stayed still, you have tumbled like a weed.
All the mountains, all the deserts, go for miles and miles around.
We have driven for years now, baby, just to get back to a place we
had already found.

Now you're driving me downtown, baby, on a rainy night.
You're driving me crazy, baby, is this really life?

In the wildest time of the world
Oh I never thought I would be here with you tonight.
In the wildest times of the world,
Let's stay together in this lonely and crazy life.

I was mistaken our love was forsaken, worst mistake I ever made.
Were you lonely, were you brave, now?
I guess the two are one and the same.
Now I'm signing here with my sweet, sweet darling in my eye.
Ain't it funny how you're walking through life and it turns on a dime?

In the wildest time of the world
Oh I never thought I would be here with you tonight.
In the wildest times of the world,
Let's stay together in this lonely and crazy life.

Hey Hey Hey ...

use and abuse

hmm.

re-read my entry of lyrics.


got a little scared, for i'm in that kinda position. using and abusing, at the same time trying that damn hard not to be used and be abused.

heck, what is this life that i lead?

no simony to save me, this time, when i'm crying and in need of a hug, like the time when someone i knew kicked down the proverbial red door. thick and thin? mm. that was one of the thins.


and suddenly, i miss him all over again.

here's hoping this passes in two minutes.




on another note altogether, now that i'm floating with the whole world of men around me - yes yes call me the mindless man-hungry slut - i do truly wonder if i'd ever meet another who fits so well.

this time i'll leave 'well-meaning' friends out of the picture, not that i listen much to them.. i do hope that he will be of the same train of thought. then again, when the faith isn't there i suppose anyone will believe anything that's being told to them.

don't believe in shit like incompatibility, hinted cheating, 'we don't like him/her', suchlike. and what of the things that the person in the situation sees? were we blind? maybe, perhaps, possibly.

..i suppose not everyone's as stubborn as they profess themselves to be.


but ah, such complicated issues should not be discussed with myself now, i'm not ready for it.

he and i ended once a few years before; he broke my heart then he came back. he had 'never' gone back to any girl before, as i hadn't.

how we got together again back then, i've no idea.


and now.. who knows? maybe get out of each others' lives that way, and forgive and forget.

when his wedding comes, i'll offer to take shots. if my wedding comes, i'll send him an invite. maybe.

then again, he might still be in love with me and breaking his fragile heart over my wedding invitation would be cruel. ha.

but as i said, who knows what the future brings?


i know i'll meet great people. here's hoping the girls he meets aren't there for the money in his future!

like john legend says, this time we take it slow. we're just ordinary people.

got out on a sunday night

yes i got out on a sunday night.

felt lucky. good friends, good mood, even better luck.


wish i had someone to share it with, too. someone special.

sweet dreams (are made of this), by marilyn manson

[First Verse]
Sweet dreams are made of this.
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas.
Everybody's looking for something.

[Chorus]
Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.


[Chorus]
I wanna use you and abuse you.
I wanna know what's inside you.
(Whispering and Moaning:
Hold your head up, movin' on.
Keep your head up, movin' on.)
[Repeat Three Times]
Movin' on!

[Repeat First Verse]

[Chorus]
I'm gonna use you and abuse you.
I'm gonna know what's inside.
Gonna use you and abuse you.
I'm gonna know what's inside you.

along the same lines

yeah, along the same lines, it's hard sometimes, to express that love you have for someone so dear to you.

like a certain couple that i know of.

she's grouchy and she's prideful, but she does love her man. yeah i can tell because i was like that. but i suppose, i live and learn.

what i said holds true. smiling is easier; for there is no other way. :)

on talking.

sometimes it's just hard to say the thanks the way you intend to say it.

maybe a tad too unwillingly, maybe a little too softly, maybe more than just a bit grudgingly..

sometimes it's just hard to say thank you; sometimes it's not easy saying sorry.


sometimes, it's just easiest to smile.

beautiful people

i guess i can't help but be surrounded by beautiful people.

wherever i go, whatever i do, beautiful people surround me. it almost always happens so, for some reason. and i'm bloody thankful! :D


everybody likes eye candy, i'm no exception.

and thank heavens for that. woo! i'm blessed, i am!

i wonder why

i wonder why my blog disappeared on me. i wonder why the damn computer let it happen. i wonder why i clicked 'yes' when i meant bloody no.

-disgusted-


i wonder why people ask me 'are you ok' when i send messages out to them. i wonder what's going through their minds. do they think that i'm still in that black pit i was in, a while ago? hm.

i'd've expected myself to get out of it by now. maybe they thought so because they hadn't much idea just when i had broken up and therefore still think that 'i'm not crazy just a little unwell'.

well 'i know right now you can't tell' but i'm alright.


..maybe they're taking me for some sortuva freak show, but who cares, really?

i'd 'lived a life of controversy' as one extended family member put it, from the kind of parents i have to the kind of family relations therefore; from the ways i see things and the ways it differs from theirs (to assume that they don't assume to think i'm 'wrong', of course) to the way i can go with little or no food sometimes but can be ravenously hungry each time i eat but only eat a little..

heh. a small empty stomach is still a hungry one! haha


to laugh at things that i find funny that you absolutely don't get.. am i weird? or just more perceptive?

and when the person that matters most disappears, what fetters hold me to my sweet prison? so i roll along once more, like a cloud in the sky. idyllic, observing, in flight.

yes, i am a cloud. a cloud in the sky.

quietude

and the world is silent.

in my room, the radio's silent, there is a slight breeze. some voices outside of my door, a universe away. and i soak in the surreal-ness of it all.

elaborately useless

ho gods.

look what i found!


http://totallyabsurd.com/aquaswing.htm
http://totallyabsurd.com/gerbilshirt.htm
http://totallyabsurd.com/armmitten.htm
http://totallyabsurd.com/ballblinders.htm
http://totallyabsurd.com/lipclip.htm
http://totallyabsurd.com/fishbath.htm
http://totallyabsurd.com/toiletsnorkel.htm


man.... the loo snorkel takes the cake.

homophobe.

me.

i'm one. just got reminded how homophobed i am.


brrr!

word of the day

.
complement \KOM-pluh-muhnt\, noun:

1. Something that fills up or completes.
2. The quantity or number required to make up a whole or to make something complete.
3. One of two parts that complete a whole or mutually complete each other; a counterpart.


that's right. we complement each other.

ain't that a beautiful thing?

don't cry, little girl; i know

don't cry, little girl
in the quiet night

the radio makes the silence louder
i know

don't cry, little girl
i am here for you

it's not the same, i know
but the best i've to offer is me

it's hard not to fall off the ground
and sometimes, even harder to stand

but the treasure you will find
is the courage in your soul

i don't presume to make you better
whole and hale again

i won't even tell you it's normal
for us to feel this way

i won't say much, girl
save it might come back someday

whatever this is

Bored? ((Over 100 questions))
Created by xSwtLilAngel666x and taken 81584 times on bzoink!
[x] Part 1 -- The Basics [x]
What's your name? ::	loren
Birthplace ::	singapore
Age ::	22
Age you act ::	28
Current location ::	singapore
Eye color ::	dark brown
Hair color ::	dark brown
Right, lefty or ambidextrous? ::	right
Zodiac sign? ::	pisces
Height? ::	165cm
[x] Part 2 -- Describe... [x]
Your heritage/nationality ::	chinese
Your hair ::	shaggy
Your fears ::	?
Your perfect room ::	big windows, big poster bed, bathtub and pebbles strewn all over.
What you practically do in a day ::	read, write, surf, call, go out..
[x] Part 3 -- What is/are... [x]
Words you overuse ::	well
Phrases you overuse ::	had a whale of a time
Your first thought when you wake up ::	what time is it
Your greatest accomplishment ::	being able to give people the benefit of the doubt, even if they so obviously do not deserve it.
Something you want to do ::	heal people
[x] Part 4 -- This or that [x]
Pepsi or Coke ::	neither
McDonald's or Burger Kings ::	bk's
Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera ::	christina
Chocolate or vanilla ::	chocs
Adidas or Nike ::	neither
Black or white ::	white
Bills or Coins ((Think $$$)) ::	bills
Burgers or hot dogs ::	burgers
Egypt or France ::	egypt
Rock or rap ::	rock
[x] Part 5 -- Do you...[x]
Smoke ::	yes
Cuss ::	yes
Sing well ::	yes
Sing in the shower ::	yes
Talk to yourself --a lot-- ::	yes
Believe in yourself ::	yes
Like taking these longass surveys? ::	hmm
Play an instrument ::	only if it's organic.
Want to go to college? ::	been.
Want to get married? ::	yes
Want to have children? ::	yes
Think you're a health freak? ::	nope
Get along with your parents ::	yes
Get along with your siblings? ::	nope - no siblings
Think you're popular ::	yes
[x] Part 6 -- In the past month have you..[x]
Gone out of state ::	yes
Drank alchohal ::	yes
Smoke ::	yes
Get high ::	yes
Done any drugs ::	nope
Eaten an entire box of oreos ::	nope
Been on stage ::	yes
Gone skinny dipping ::	nope
Been dumped ::	yes
Dyed your hair ::	nope
Stolen anything ::	hearts
[x] Part 7 -- Your friends! =D [x]
Craziest ::	me
Loudest ::	susan
Most shy ::	nobody
Blondest ::	susan
Smartest ::	jenn
Kindest ::	jenn
Best personality ::	jasmine
Most talented ::	me
Best singer ::	me?
Most ghetto ::	whaaa?
Drama Queen ((or King XP)) ::	amutha
Pain in the ass ::	nelson
The one you just want to strangle to death ((Homer Simpson style))::	the neighbour's kid.
Funniest ::	um.
Best person for advice ::	erik
Dependable ::	jasmine
Trustworthy ::	jenn
Druggie ::	su
Most likely to end up in jail ::	me.
Person you've known the longest ::	jenn
[x] Part 8 -- The Last... [x]
Last dream ::	04/04/2005
Last nightmare ::	-
Car ride ::	02/04/2005
Last time you cried ::	02/04/2005
Last movie seen ::	constantine
Last movie rented ::	nada
Last book read ::	zen and the art of motorcycle maintainance
Last word said ::	thanks
Last curse word said ::	nabeh
Last time you laugh ::	two minutes ago
Last phone call ::	two pm today
Last CD played ::	some jazz record
Last song you listened to ::	ordinary people by john legend
Last annoyance ::	cd burner not working
Last IM ::	?
Last weird encounter ::	can't recall
Last person you hugged ::	can't remember
Last person you yelled at ::	simon
Last time you wore a skirt ::	yesterday
Last time you've been evil ::	two seconds ago
Sarcastic? ::	i'm not sarcastic.
Last time you fought with your parents ::	a long time back
Last time you wished upon a star ::	never
Played Truth or Dare ::	couple of years back
Spent quality time alone ::	now
[x] Part 9 -- I swear this is the last one! -- Randomness [x]
Are you talking to someone on AIM ::	what?
Do you feel lonely ::	no
Ever TP'd someone's house ::	what's that?
How about egging someone's house ::	no.
Do you not like dislike not like me? ::	what the fuck're you talking about?
Ain't Eminem and 50 Cent just fine? ::	no.
Yo Momma ::	...
Ever been so hungry you felt like you could eat the person next to you? ::	nope.
What do you think of George Bush? ::	sucker.
Any secret fetishes? ::	nope.
Do you like to wear chains? O_o ::	yes.
How many languages do you speak? ::	four
Damn.. are your fingers tired? Cause mine sure are! ::	nope.
Glad this is over? ((Say yes and I'll stalk you =P)) ::	yes.
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

blockage?

hmm.

read about a blockage someone wrote about some days back. pondering it only now.


the only blockage i have now is my nose. nabeh..

feverish..

ashes in the bathroom

i saw ashes on the bathroom floor this morning.

i wonder where they come from.

how deep is your love

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
and the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again.

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm with your love then you softly leave
and it's me you need to show
How deep is your love

(Chorus)
How deep is your love, how deep is your love?
I really need to learn
Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
when they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.

I believe in you
You know the door to a better soul.
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my savior when I fall

And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
that I really do
and it's me you need to show
How deep is your love?

(Chorus)
How deep is your love, how deep is your love?
I really need to learn
Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
when they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.

Da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da,da, da
Mmmm, la, la, la, la La, la ,la..
La, la, la, la, la

Girl you come to me on a summer breeze
Kept me warm in your love then you softly leave
and it's me you need to show
How deep is your love

(Chorus)
How deep is your love, how deep is your love?
I really need to learn
Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
when they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.

I Believe In You, ooh ooh ooh..

How Deep Is Your Love

Can U Believe In Me
Should I believe in You babe

heels

i wore my stilettos out today.

they're pristine white, as high as they're sexy.


and so i walked and before long i was reminiscing the times in secondary school during which my girlfriends and i had agreed to wear heels and get out - needless to say, we all died. young feet and heels - don't even go there.

but as time went by, i guess we all got more experienced with how to handle height, me especially (of course, correct me if i'm wrong here).

and thus i went out, in high spirits, met up with a friend and managed to get some shopping done. found a nice purple top and a skirt with matching colour, but ended up getting the top only, for the skirt would be a killer to my finances.. heh. can't let go of my sanctuary dream, can i?

mm. i have another goal before i get there though.. i'm saving up for my little cousin who wants to cure her legs. she had given all her money to another cousin of mine - her sister - to apply for pr in australia. thus she isn't able to go anywhere to get her cure. but i'll help. i'll eat less shop less go out less and save more and by the end of the year i'll have quite a few hundred to help her out, at least.

money is of little issue - as long as i get by, what more do i ask? if i can spare it to help another out, why not? especially if it's family.

so. scrimping time, i guess..


anyways. yeah i went out in my heels and had a whale of a time, it was pretty fun walking about trying not to think about the consquences of falling in town. gawd! hahaha

hum. working tomorrow. and the day after. staying home, then. :) oh, someone just called to ask me if i'd like to meet up for kawfee. he offered to bring tequila. haha! i wish i needn't do the work tomorrow, so i can get drunk and be happy for the night. sure, i'll get the hangover later but now isn't later and later can wait. :)

but well. werk. hai...


heh just got news that a friend of mine is not feeling well. poor boy. lagi poor thing is that he mentioned that his wife ain't the mother hen type..

i am, but then i never had the chance to take care of that someone. no hugs and kisses when he's in bed, no ginger tea and honey prepared, no.. heh.

i'd always wanted to take care of my baby, guess i never got the chance. guess chances are hard to come by when two people don't live together. ah well. the chance will come, the chance will come, when i find love again.

amen!

oh, one more.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

heck, one more! http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/milk.php

website.

www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/souls/php

check this out sisters!

and don't miss out on this, too: www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/piehole.php

the sky fell

lovely lovely day today,what a wonderful start to the week!

managed to have my eyes pop open at the usual 7:30am, but i closed them as soon as they opened, and dived into black unconsciousness with the radio playing throughout the night and the rain right outside of my window.

yes, i am content.


i had attended a wedding on sunday as a photog - i thought i was going to die seeing all of them so happy and in love - but no. i was happy for them. the groom was, to use another's words, 'dashing' and the bride, 'beautiful'.

and they are! the happiness, the things the groom has to go through to get to the bride, the 'brothers' who helped him and the 'sisters' who helped made things tough to get to the lady.

i wondered briefly, then, if i would be a bride one day.

i also wondered if there would be a man who'd be willing to go through all of that for me, on the morning of my wedding day.


later that sunday evening, the bride was lovely in her silver finery, the groom was handsome in his black suit. people were so happy to be there, and i was happy for them.

sure, i spent five minutes crying in privacy on the toilet seat, but who am i, when the world was theirs that day? i simply was honoured to be there with them, documenting their big day that day.



maybe i'll be there someday, with someone i love, whose smile i know will make everything better, as it did.

fish and fishfood

someone told me the principle of the fish and the fishfood today.

it makes sense. i shall apply it.

quotable quote

'before i met my husband i'd never fallen in love, though i'd stepped in it a few times.'

hahahahhaaaaa! what a woman!

drunkenness

man.

i just got home. went to clarke quay and had a whale of a time!

heh. vaguely remember teasing some people over sms but out of the five i could only remember three. hm. it bugs me a little. but ah well. as i said, had a whale of a time. first i went to have wine and then headed over to club. those clubs were like, man.. old folksie. but then, those ladies know how to dress, so that's good.

they didn't wear tubes, thankfully; one younger girl was, a white one at that (and we all know how it shows under violet light - ) and while she dahnced, she had one hand forever on her chest, so it looked like she was dancing to heartache even though she had a smile on her face.


either way, the company (my one friend lah at least, the rest were rather lifeless) was good. he got checked out quite a bit, maybe because he's tall. haha!

hehe he got teased for that as well! heck i spent the evening teasing people, enjoyed it, and somehow it lightened the rather sombre mood. i found out later, that two of the people in the group had broken up but were still hanging out. why are break-ups this rampant these days??

and why are there so many weddings, too?

is this the time of decisions? heh. maybe, maybe.


either way, i had a great evening. forgot my troubles, the world was nothing but smoke and lights and good-looking people (let's all overlook the age factor. heck, leave the homo-phobia out of it too), there was good company, life was good.

later on, we left the bombishbombish-ness behind and even that felt good. i had returned to a time before simony, and life was simply heavenly.

i shall strive towards that. a simple life. how hard can it be? my friends love me, my family loves me, i love myself. that's a good place to start. :)

acquaintances - inconsequencial.


oh, by the way, a married couple i know sent me an sms saying that they won't be turning up for our routine weekly meet-up. obviously, they fought again. soon after though, they had sent me a message that made me smile: the lady would come along for the sake of 'that bastard'.

angry words, aye, but she is willing to give in and knowing them, he must've given in, as well.

i'm almost envious. -grin- almost. i'd rather be free. passionate about life in my own mundane ways, but passionate nonetheless. not a moment forgotten, not a moment not savoured.

yes. that's what i will be. a simple principle, very easy to follow. and passionate i will be, once again, so i may bring passion about the people close to me.

woke up hating

uh huh.

i woke up hating today; and a headache that would reduce me to a twitching lifeform in jeans.

yeah. so i sleep in jeans.


why? i felt like it. :)

though mostly i sleep in a more natural state than that, in case you're thinking i'm a nut for wanting that in singapore.

so me mum's headed back to indonesia, hope she brings back more goodies like otak and bak kueh, kaya and other local yummies! heh. i used to give all of that to someone and his family to enjoy.

hmmm i wonder if the babes would like some of those otak. :)


she came by to say hi before she went to the pier, and we hung out for a bit. wasn't much company. me i mean.

i was grouchy and she was trying to get me to eat more, saw the dark circles under my eyes and started to offer advice on how to sleep better...

no, i don't suppose i was nice. being grumpily silent is not nice. i was sorry when she left to get to the pier, though.. :( i wish i hadn't done that. what would it take to smile? make small talk?


mm. like a certain su i know, it's the kind of time when i wonder how things will be for me in the future. will i love my career? will i find someone like i found someone? will it start from kisses, as well?

fulfillment? almost a foul word in my mouth. what irony, it's such a beautiful word.


but then, maybe i'll be happier married to me job. :) it's got its tantrums as well, the job. sometimes shit happens and it's absolutely not your fault, sometimes shit happens because it is your fault. the same with relationships. only we tend to take relationships for granted.

su: yeah you'll find somebody. i swear, you will. i will, too. jenn took some time in getting there, jas might take some time... hahaha!

whatever it is, i swear you'll find someone you can and will love, who will love you back the way you want him to.

you won't have issues job-wise lah haha! besides, pretty girl like you, why'd you be left alone for long? it's your heart you can't give away. -grin-


i know i can trust mine, because it's NABEH dead! hawhawhaw

but seriously. it'll revive itself somehow. bother.

we're only what, 20-plus-a-little? nowhere near saggy. plus, looking at our body types we'll be knockouts come thirty. long shelf-life man, so don't you worry. we're in no hurry to snag a man before our breasts touch our knees. heh. the advantages of being scrawny. we're in no hurry.. :)

i know, arians are impatient - i understand because quite a good percentage of my make up is arian, too.

but it doesn't help, does it? is it going to come just because we're impatient? slowly lah, angst is - necessary, i suppose.

but if you can't take it, give me a call, let's hit the streets. let's just hang out, watch the sky for a while. see how people run when it does rain. :)


take care, babe, we love you.

comments

hmm.

i'd been scrolling through my blogs when i found that i've two comments on one of my blogs. one of them is from a close friend, another is from some bozo who keeps telling me to be aware when i'm buying some kind of medication.

'be careful when you're buying penis enhancers'..

hm. i will.