intense revelation

oooh ye gods betrayal again!

my hairs stood on end just seeing that word turn over in my mind.


-shudder-

and it's happened to my dear friend. the next time i see warren, i'm going to slap him. and if it's dill, whomever dill is (i'm assuming the full name to be dillon) - i'll slap him too. ask questions later.

ning(4) ke(3) sha(1) cuo(4) bu(4) ke(4) fang(4) guo(4)


nabeh i'll dislocate his jaw then slap him senseless. goody if he's stunned, i'll probably trip him them grind my heels deliciously into his joooooooooooooooooooocy groin.

UUUUURGH SQUARE-JAWED DICK FOR A BRAIN!


if i had a wooden bed of razors embedded into the grain of the wood i will have warren slide on it and have that slut with the itchy shame for a cunt lie at one end, bound and de-voiceboxed so warren can slide into her lap, just as she had liked.

yeah, i'm going to personally cut her vocal cords.






and when i'm done with warren, i'll make her sit on that razored plank.


and push into warren's face.

someone please tell me my imagination's running wild here but i have the funny feeling that he likes something hairy in his face.

i just hope he likes it sliced.

i met someone today 2

and so.

ahem.


pardon, i got sidetracked by the world's vermin.

now as i was saying. i met two of my favourite people today, yesterday. and i wish i had met the last one, too.

jas had been at work and couldn't possibly come meet us but it sucked to hear her sounding a tad down. how are you jas? are you alright?


is everything okay?

call, if anything. i'll be up anyway. even if i weren't i will be when you call. :D


but seriously, anytime, sweet jas, i'll be willing to hear your voice and listen to your words. please be fine. i worry about you sometimes, for you are too strong. it's alright to be weak sometimes, for it gives the people who care about you a chance to care about you.

we may walk different paths now, sometimes what we say may not even make sense to the other, the fashion the drinks the music the lifestyle may sound all greek to each other but that doesn't change the fact that i'm bothered when you're bothered. and i bet it's the same with the other two.

so... er, well.



if you wish to preserve privacy that's alright too, just let me know that you're 'alright'. and if things are just dandy and truly so, please tell me things're 'okay'.

but knowing you, you'd probably say something else meaning something in between. or that you're 'just tired'.

whichever you choose to say, it's alright. i don't have to know what's bothering you, just know that i'm around if you need someone to talk to.

...though granted, jenn'd be the more grounded one and i'd be irreverently irrelevant (if that's your cup of tea, of course). and su'd probably threaten to kill whomever with her killer heels or anything equivalent.


so while i had met the two brwonderful (br-illiant + wonderful, pronounced as 'brr-wonderful, or simply broo-wonderful) ladies i had met andrew, too.

it's a joy to see him. subtly different from from the kind of joy derived from seeing the three powerpuffs.

hum. and i'm happy. :)


so... while cynics and critics say otherwise, people can survive on love and fresh air when they're in love sometimes. just sometimes.

and right now, i'm in love with you. all three of you.


..plus one more, of course. :P

i met someone today

i met someone today - yesterday.

i met a friend, then another. first i met jenn; it felt like i had been parched for years and hadn't known it, until i saw her again.

it's weird, to just want to stare at her and listen to her. i may be in love. (hum)


and then i met su. i wondered how she was when i saw her. she displayed some chocolates (some of which i had a high just by sniffing at - this's what jas'd say 'packs a punch' at) and seemed very well. i had the same feeling when i gazed at her talk.

i'm just somehow very proud to have these two people about, to know these people and i know i can call them 'mine'. obscurely.

if you're reading this, jenn, su, and are freaked, i'm sorry.


but how sorry can i be, when it is the way i feel about you? i'd wanted to hold you both tight and become a cave for you so you needn't face the damn storm.

i know you need to grow, facing challenges and taking tumbles - but i hate every minute of knowing any one of you is feeling less than 'fine'. if i knew voodoo whomever's hurt jenn before'd be dead. and i know for sure warren'd be.

(or at least i presume it's warren, for that's the last chap su's been seeing.)


and the mangy whore of a daughter of a jellyfish. may she be washed ashore and slowly bake to salted crab feed, (assuming there's a girl, of course). and may the crabs be wise enough to know not to touch things that may cause stomach upset, scavengers though they may be.

pollution does nobody good. especially not crabs, the poor things. they have to walk on the same level as salt-encrusted invertebrates. oh, my heart aches for those crustaceans.


bah. maybe i won't step on the beach for a few decades, it offends me to know my dog-chewed shoestrings may touch salty-jellyfishied waters.


and if warren, if it was warren, who had caused the hurt that spurred those words on su's blog, may you rot on the white line of some tarred road where toads ride their invisible bikes going 'bing bing'.

and may there be many, many such toads.


and may that happen long before you die, but after you got unfortunately stuck on the white line on the road and after charlotte church has moved into the vicinity.

deliberations

i've wondered, sometimes, how some people can write about anything and it turns out beautifully worded.

it enthralls, makes you read on, page by page. easy reading.


and sometimes, when i read those, i get jealous. how can they write something provocative about crossing one's fingers and turning on one's temperamental computer, hoping to the heavens above that it will be in a good mood?

what did they do, read, see to think and talk like that?

HOW did they even WANT to talk like that? it seems pretty pre-programmed into our brains that we speak how we speak wtihout even thinking about it, without the plan to deliciously mislead, confuse and waylay presumptious thoughts.


so how do i elicit 'how clever!'s from people reading my works?

reinventing oneself, reinventing how i speak how i communicate how i look at the world which MUST be if not refreshingly then vastly different from anyone else's thoughts.

maybe that's how writers come to be 'eccentric'. maybe it's just harder to understand because you didn't manage to catch the nuances that the other person caught.

sometimes people have 'moodswings' because something you hadn't noticed affected them. might be something you had said, might have been something he/she saw.

he/she might have hated purple-coloured cars because he's had a nasty uncle who owned a purplish pick-up. and now that he's rich and famous (or not) he's developed an intense dislike for all things purple. and maybe when he's happily chatting with you the waiter served you two ice-cream in purple glass cups.

and suddenly he doesn't like ice-cream anymore.


..it's not he doesn't like ice-cream, it is not evne the cup that he doesn't like.

it's the (ctrl-i)colour(ctrl-i) that he doesn't like. capisce?


and poor you, you probably didn't even know because he never said.

moodswings. bah. whomever coined that term probably hasn't heard of minute-detail-affected-ism.

..alright so there's no such thing. but you know what i'm talking about.


the best thing to ask when someone's having 'moodswings' (-schmoodschwings) is probably 'what's wrong'?

on alcohol

alcohol makes a person less inhibited, you all know that.

everything is clear, methinks, when you drink.



am i an alcoholic? no, i must say i am not. merely a person who appreciates the virtues of the lack of temperance.

christmas an' all

it is thus christmas.

25th of december and present-giving an' all. yeah yeah new year's in five days' time.


this christmas is rather different, i think. other christmases i'd have partied my eyeballs out in some club. but this time... it's oddly domestic. like i'm finally understanding the importance of family (those who had known me long enough will know that i hate spending time with anything remotely related by blood to me. other than my cousins and a particular set of niece and nephew, of course).

and thus i had spent christmas eve hanging out with someone special, doing idyll nothing. visited my mother, a coupla days before, in malapropos mention, under the pretense that we have to get together to celebrate this festival called the dumpling-eating day. or something like that.

(it's a ploy to introduce someone new to some auntie i call 'ma'. i'm sure you saw right through it!)



so... we attended church service on x'mas eve and then we headed home to sleep (vastly different from my previous encounters). we were supposed to go blading at east coast park, but well...

and we also did nothing on christmas day. attended church then did nothing then hung out with fellow church chap at east coast park. heh

had a great time though, he went there with family (three little girls! all sweet-faced angels!) and dawg. gosh, had such a great time! really pleasant christmas, this.

lovely.



..i must be getting old.

christmas barbecue indoors

spent a pre-x'mas barbecue at my cousin's. pretty nice.

ah boy was there too, he thought i looked domestic coughing by the barbecue pit. hum. men are odd.


spotted one sexy girl and another cutie boy. but well. all are students, what do they know about life. heh.

met yoyo again today. quite pleasant.

merry christmas, people!

on concern

a friend of mine i used to fight with is stricken with the mysterious ailment of the heart.

and by the looks of it she's strong enough to survive the fester.


don't know what caused it, don't quite know how to cure it, but i've a good pack of indonesian tea and cookies. maybe we can have tea some time, watch the rain with me. :)

i'll get high grade cream.

self-preservation

heh.

one thing i hadn't done this time round was to introduce my squeeze to my blogsite.

and i reckon that's a smart thing to do. i don't how you mine you don't show me yours.


i will need a private halcyon where only friends have access to. sorry pal, sometimes being a 'friend' is the highest priviledge. not husband not boyfriend possibly not even parent.

so who said 'just a friend' is a vague insult, meant to brush someone off as a persona non grata?

thus beware should someone say this to you, especially if it's someone you're romantically involved with.

that 'just a friend' might be more than just that.

leaf in the water

oft times i wonder: where does life want to take me? do i float like a leaf in a meandering river, offering no resistance or do i ever-so-slightly angle myself towards wherever that does not make a difference to me?

i may be heading to the US in a coupla months' time, hadn't told anyone about it yet. not after the plans-for-shanghai-that-never-came lesson. heh. especially not the boy, no.

career is important. i need to build it. if he is willing he will come; if not he will stay. and maybe cause some heartache and many many tears then. hum.


i don't quite dare think, this. tickets to the US aren't all that cheap. if it were shanghai then maybe. otherwise...

too soon to worry, too soon to think. christmas is here, let's all not be bothered.

mmhm!

i had lost the ability to write, it seems, upon finding happiness. much like how a poet needs his pain i suppose i need my daily dose of agony. this chap, it seems, takes away the need to do so and somehow has turned me into this ridiculously happy goofball.

i mean, i can still function but it is harder to focus on things sometimes. like work. the all-important money-bringing thing that some men wear ties to do every day. facing grouchy customers (i'm doing customer service now as well, apparently) is one thing but it doesn't get me down. you know what i mean? i fume about it for a while then get over it and resume being happy. i mean, where's the fire and discontent that i need to rave with? the anger, the EEEENGST?

gosh.


but as they say, when a charbor wants to kaopeh she will kaopeh.

so i'm happy. sure, there were times when i vehemently say 'men suck!' and there's this one occasion that he had made me cry - but that one time compared to the countless times The Other Bloke That Was had done so - doesn't count for anything. this man almost has nothing for me to complain about.

almost.


...there are things i truly do not know about him, and it's not the 'oh i don't know your shoe size' and 'i haven't been to your place' kind of thing. it might be something crucial, too. for one reason best untold (it's jasmine), i decided to trust him.

not easy sometimes, and pretty damn hard when he's difficult. worse, when he says things like 'it's a secret.'


and i won't ask. i had grown quite apprehensive of questions since the last time i tried. things i should know but i shouldn't know, you get what i mean?


like my man's undying love for an ex who keeps hanging about.

gosh that cut me deep.


i'm sure this current one is something else altogether and i'm determined not to walk that road again. maybe i'll fall another time, get a couple more bruises. but that's life, isn't it?

a little like learning how to blade. you know where you're headed but you feel so damn wobbly and you're so frickin' scared of falling because life hasn't thought of giving you all tough plastic knee guards - it's a little like life being personified into an idiot and experimenting with you, the puppet who goes onto the rough tarmac road and scrapes himself.



...okay negativity's over.

i'm in love. with a man that's not perfect. what's more beautiful than that?

jitters

for the first time in a long time, i fear.

that this may be another dead end, that this lover at my door is going to be another heartache on my list. maybe this is a stream that i have to ford, another rock i have to climb.

having fallen once before and skinned more than just my knees - i don't quite know what to say.



should i say anything? should i grin and bear it, let things slide? after all, those are small matters.

what's a small thing and what isn't?

i wonder.

shanghai-ed.

oim going to go to shanghai.

for a coupla months. boy might be flying in to see me once every month, which is very nice. six months maximum, may not be coming back; i don't know.

see what happens.

music

i suppose the thing about music is that it sometimes say what you want to say for you. maybe that's why it is soothing?

...i read somewhere from a friend's blog - 'i'm never going to come back here again. ever. can't even say it's fun.'


where'd that come from? what's happened that had him say all these?

hum.

has it ever bothered you to know that things are going straight downhill and you are strapped in?

yes?



me, too.

song.

song keeps the silence at bay
sound is my peace today
noise is the music that i heed.

conversation

Jacys says:
its time to take what i want
Jacys says:
why must i give all the time?
Jacys says:
tired of giving
bound, not gagged. says:
..no one asked that you give all the time
bound, not gagged. says:
ifyou wanted to give, go ahead and give
bound, not gagged. says:
but understand that it is you who wanted to give
bound, not gagged. says:
and receiving on your end is completely at the mercy of the other party
bound, not gagged. says:
expecting to be loved and to receive is just asking for it



...i was once like that.

"no more!" i said.


and "no more!" i still say. i heard those words told me me against my unwilling ears again, from a certain ex of an ex.

"it's wrong," she said.


wrong? wrong!

what's right and what's wrong? who died and made you judge of my life? heck you don't even have a halo. you can't walk on water but i bet you'll float. and that's just because of the fats around your thighs. you'll either float leg-up or chest up, not that i envy you.

i don't fancy sagginess, neither do i like having my boobs being seen first when i round a corner. gosh - those, my dear friends, are called "titties". no longer "boobies".

anyways.


it's not 'wrong'. foolish, maybe, but not wrong. to say that it is wrong smacks too strongly of judgement - especially when you are not meant to be doing so. no, not even 'your personal opinion'.


..and so i learnt the hard way. give, give all i want but to protect myself i have to not expect anything in return.

i believe that's what she's trying to say. i'm still angry at you, i still blam eyou for this, you know that. i'm sure you can tell.

you are the cause you probably will never cease to be the cause. but it doesn't matter to you and shouldn't. and so what?

he said...

he asked me to move in with him.

three weeks, plus a few more days. fifteenth of october.


it's three weeks, and two days. and i wasn't even the one to remember the date. i'm quite grounded, it seems.

off the net

Every day I write the list
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(a thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
(a thousand beautiful things)
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes

I thank you for the air to breathe
The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
(a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
(this is mine to remember)

So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find

The world was meant for you and me
To figure out our destiny
(a thousand beautiful things)

To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete

So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say

off the net

Wandering through the back roads
And the rain comes rushing down
To resolve your love
For this man in his twenties

Am I right?
Am I wrong?
Or am I just dreaming?

Climbing up the backstairs
There's a chill wind in the air
I wrap up from the cold
Pull the blinds in the window

Who was there?
Was it you?
Or am I just dreaming?

Look at all the lonely people
Walking miles around the town
I can see the old cathedral
But I have to play it down

Boats along the river
Setting up their sails
And life carries on as normal
Although you're not around

Waiting at the bus stop
Laughing off the rain
Shaking their umbrellas
Till it starts again

Flowers in the water
Floating off downstream
Paper in the gutter
Blowing in the breeze

Am I right?
Am I wrong?
Or am I just dreaming?

"it's not personal"

yeah.

that's right. tell me it's not personal after you had aimed your loosened handle right at me.


"it's not personal."

a way of saying "too bad you had to be there"? or a way of ensuring that future animosity is "not called-for"? bah.


corporate insincerity!

lost, found

i think i'd just found him.

woohoohoo.


as scared as i am
as good as gold
as sensuous as erotic
i'm as good as sold

though listen to jenn, don't be hasty....



but screw it try telling yourself that when you're this close! YAAAAAARGH!@

him.

it's been three weeks. i think i'd found him.

still in the midst of testing, but i think i'd found him. now loren, don't be hasty...

halloween

met my galfriends up last night for halloween, it was pretty nice. i'd thought i would have trouble with talking to a certain susan but i was pleasantly surprised that none of the cattiness was there. none from me, none from her. i was quite glad about that, truly. relieved, even.

we talked, we laughed, i heard a few incredible tales from jas's very interestingly bent-but-straight-but-then-again cousin...


-laugh-

it's hilarious, truly. saw lawrence, a coupla others that i do not know and who's that again - jiahao - and there was ren choo. pretty fun crew to have about. too bad i had to leave early that evening, had my boss to impress and had a sudden attack of the sniffles. jenn changed quite a bit, she feels more grounded, more matured, more 'grown up'. which is good; it feels like the good ole logical girl i know has blossomed into a confident young lady. :)

jasmine? hahaha don't ever change, yeah!

..and here's hoping susan and i won't fight mucho, not over 'nothing'. we should be over that kinduv petty bickering.


mm.

i had told the ladies about this person i know. he's sweet and nice and well-built (one size smaller than what i am looking for though), looks alright (claims to be gay-bait) and everything else in between (yes EVERYTHING in between) but just so happens that i don't really trust him.

heck no one can be so sweet just because.


my doubts were even more compounded when he rode over to my place all the way from bayshore to bring me teh alia. he knew i won't be making myself a warm drink when he knew i had a sniffle attack. and that was about - one am?

why's he being this nice? it's really hard to comprehend.

i mean, he rode here to bring me tea with the intention of heading right back after, no monkey business.


the only oddity was that he had brought his toothbrush along with him...

but before you think he has come with the intention of staying over - he was walking out to the gate when it started to rain. happened twice already. heh. maybe it's just bukit timah. haha!

upon my asking why he'd have his toothbrush with him though, he said he doesn't know why he brought it neither. oh that i can believe. i often do things without understanding them only to have it turn out for the better.

like my printing a document i had asked a colleague of mine to print, only in a different format - my printing it was 'unnecessary' then because not even i needed it but later on it turned out that the format i had prepared was preferred. i guess that toothbrush incident worked along similar principle with this printing one.


but back to the story - nothing much happened; we slept, somewhat.

not because we were up and about - ahem - but because it was more difficult than we thought to a) fit two people on a single bed and b) stay asleep when two people are on that bed.

but goodness, how he woke me! with kisses. he slammed the clock for me without my asking (first beep) and snoozed the subsequent beepings until it was absolutely time to wake me. mmm. not bad. especially noting that not many (if any) can understand my early morning grunting when it's simply too early to crack open a 'NBCB kill that EFFING -" much less an eyelid.



but i still don't trust him.

how can anyone be this sweet?

people.

mm. lovely. pick of the crop.

beaus and card games

i was sitting at a table playing cards with a couple of acquaintances a friend, and her beau.

the evening was easy: we had cards and wine, the company was pleasant, conversation was smooth, all was good.


..until the sweet friend's beau and i started bickering.

make no mistake, the bickering started since we met, it's also nothing personal. it's almost like friendly punching minus the friendly bit.


but still, nothing personal, i understand as much. and if i had any experience with siblings, i would say this is quite similar. kinda fun, i'd say, especially when we don't get personal.

the bad bit is that it distresses my friend.

sometimes i wonder why, though most times i understand. it's just fun, i suppose. i mean, i don't know how it is on her beau's side but i look at it as something fun to do. hahaha

my friend seemed down for the rest of the evening, i'm not sure if it's our bickering that dampened the mood. and that, in turn, distressed me.

i had considered not attending anymore card games briefly but waved the idea away. it will put my friend in a spot as well. heh. so... behave? mmm. maybe. i'm sure i can do something to make her more at ease. :)

i wonder..

i wonder if i publish a book will anyone buy it.

i wonder if i start to write can i earn money.


i have the talent, i know. read enough funny books to throw funny lines. but then, i wonder.

re-read

reread what i had typed in the immediate previous post and was quite aghast.

what? i had typed that? about someone i had parted with for er, eight months already?? the hour must be getting to me.


golly, if that's how i am behaving after eight months' worth of being apart after one year of being together, late-night or otherwise - i'm never ever ever going to get married. never mind that there are people i know who will treat me well and are able to and will provide for my needs and frivolities - the idea of getting this weak just because of some person is ridiculous.

and it won't be me. nah-uh.


i may love, but i'll never marry. you all can laugh at me when i do walk down the aisle. i'm inviting it, because i know it won't happen. marriage is for lucky people.

and that's the reason why i'm strong. i will not be weak. never!

just a little terrorised

the food near my place, the short drive down to katong, the evenings alone or otherwise in my room, with simony, the hamster that i let loose once in a while -

i'm going to move away from that all in a few days' time. i'm suddenly scared. just a little. terror, i mean.


i don't quite know if i can let the memories go. will they be torn from me, cause me hurt? will they simply melt away, like a secret lover with a family to return to? will i still dream of the person i had called quits with, waking to gulp air, to swallow tears?

does working work, do the distractions from the workplace, human and otherwise, help?

..if they do, why do i reminisce, like i want back, like i wanted to claw the fabric of time to reel it back in; start again?


...if they don't why am i this happy, feeling this fulfilled? if they don't, why am i still laughing, still smiling, loving life, living life, enjoying the attention..?

maybe i still cannot let you go. nobody should've said if we fit. they have no grounds.


if we didn't and were still happy we 'complement' each other. if we're not we're 'too different'.

if we did and we're still unhappy we're 'incompatible'.



so what gives, huh?

but too bad. maybe for you, maybe for me. it doesn't matter, for whether or not i can let go is besides the point. i'm leaving.


and that's all there is to it.

maybe we'll find each other again after a year, like we did the last time round.



who knows? maybe i'd meet an old dying man and marry his monies instead. heh. -laugh-

maybe.

famous

i didn't realise i was being watched; i'd found out today.

or stalked, or whatever. i had received a message via sms from an unfamiliar number this evening, telling me "madam, please close your windows when you masturbate, all your neighbours can see"

whoa.



must be someone from the next block.

when i replied to say "you must've gotten the wrong person" that person replied to say "no.. i'm certain it was u.." or something to the like, i've to refer to that funky message. heck i even saved the number, just in case i decide upon a whim to press charges for invasion of privacy. heh.

but well. i decided for now to be happy with 'that's very nice to know. now run along with your fantasies and leave me alone.'


maybe i'll test that number to see who it is. hahaha! what a nice game to play, this.

nine/eight more days

the day to move draws near. ten, no - nine more days.

make that eight days, for i move on the ninth day. i'd been staying late in the office these few weeks, to help with the sales, to help with the this and to pitch in with the that. there is no time.

not even to eat, sometimes. and how do i dismantle everything to pack?? will these even go together again to make the shelf they are now? same goes for my bed.

the sad perfume

i had realised, with quiet shock, that the reason why i was this besotted with this particular person was his perfume.


it sounds outright ridiculous, i know - attracted to a scent! gods - but truly, that scent he wears heralds his presence, coupled with his low voice i was the doddering fool. and what a fool.

it is a little sad that the spell had broken; it had faded to nothing when i realised just what it was that had me wrapped around his little finger.


some of you may nod and say that i have grown wiser, a little less green. others may simply nod and smile, knowing this, too, will pass. after all, you WERE attracted to some asshole just because he's got a cute ass then.

'that is life,' a certain terence will say, followed by a saucy comment that will undoubtedly make me laugh.




..i say this is a sad story. no beginning, much less an end. it'd been pretty, the startings of that nonexistent beginning.


i'm sorry this enchantment has dissolved, sweet dear. your perfume is still lovely, but i am no longer in thrall.

...i had the dubious pleasure of being at work on a sunday morning today.

and as i was checking for something online, this purple little sign on the right side of the webpage caught my eye.

'when you're serious,' it had read, much to my incredulity, 'about love.'


the picture upon which the words took turns to appear on showed this long-haired young asian lady peering at her presumed boyfriend who was distractedly picking out something. i would assume that they are on a holiday. i stared at the ad, wondering what it meant as the two phrases continued to take turns to appear.

then like a pebble finally reaching the water in a well, i suddenly understood: love is important, they're trying to say.


...they wouldn't be advertising this otherwise.

in other words, people do not like loneliness and providing a companion for a small introduction fee can get you some quick bucks.


this must be why prosti - social escorting, ahem - is so profitable. because they sell 'companionship'. and you get to pick that sexy thing you can never hope to catch the eyes of out of the many of the sexy things you can never hope to catch the eyes of, just because you earned it.

the money, i mean.



...unless, of course, you flash your gold/platinum credit cards/wads of money liberally or, if you're a lady, precious-stone-encrusted enough to make the blindest person in the room approach and ask if you would quit the light display.

then you can start a conversation.

i'm sure for those who lack the looks but can still earn the bucks keeping the person hooked with sparkly conversation would be of no problem. for those who are endowed (with good looks, i mean) i'm sure you won't need the bling.

but since i'm no avid fan of rocks and do not own enough shiny credit cards to start with - i'm afraid that option is not open to me. my only currencies are an off-beat charm and a goofy smile and the hope that they work. :D

hmm.


'when you're serious about love,' they said.

so... what if i'm not serious about love but i'm serious about 'luuurve'? you know, the eye-brow-bobbing, hand-rubbing kind? the one with too many 'u's and an extra 'r'?

will i have to call the agency (i'm assuming it's an angency), to er, increase my chances? and what if i did? what if i am already meeting the occasional loser in life that i'd rather not meet with? does calling the agency mean that i'm setting myself up to meet more losers who need to pay to meet people?

does calling them mean i will become one?


or worse yet, is this a ploy by proxy to sell 'protection'?? i won't be surprised, neither, if this has something got to do with the government's plans to get us to have more babies.

boost the ageing country's growth, they say, give us a baby or three! where can you get a bargain like this, we pay you money to expand your family tree!

...bah. agencies. love. luuurve. babies and condoms. trickery!


and what does it all mean? that i need 'someone special' to be happy? a baby? maybe i don't know what i'm missing but if i don't know what i'm missing i won't know the pains of not having something, no? so it doesn't matter, no?

...so sincere congratulations to those who had found love, whatever that is. i'm slightly envious because you look so happy together, but still no loss of mine. maybe you're envious of me, too, for i do not feel for the moments when he/she is leaving on a plane bound for Somewhere Else, or when you fight, or when he/she has 'found somebody else' or worse, when he/she has 'found somebody else' and you hadn't!

...maybe like the girl who has everything but doesn't know the loss of anything i scoff at this four-letter word.


heh. and how ironic. it's got the same number of letters as the word that means procreation.

maybe it is youth's fire that still burns in me, the blind pursuit of movement and change, meaningful or otherwise that makes me put these on a lower tier. but what does it matter, when it doesn't matter? it will matter soon enough and that will come later. one step at a time, i always say.

as for the flashing signs - i get the message.



next step: set up an escort company. fancy being an investor, anybody? :D

honey babette

the name's babette.

honey babette.

you da bamboo

"I Would not Quit" He Said

One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...
I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me...

"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. "I would not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...
But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.

I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots"
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet, they both make the forest beautiful."

"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high!"
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and bring back this story.

spite.

i am stupid and you're smart
letting you think so is an art
i blabber i speak i act just so
so you would think me slow

misguiding you is so so easy
it's such a cake i feel slightly dirty
you think you know
i think you do too

and let me praise that side of you
sweet angel, oh how cool
wow that's amazing how'd that go
you're so fast, oh teach me, too!

serious play.

are you the kind who has too much control?

even when you're drunk, you are still sober? the type with more head than heart?

if you're not, you might be lucky. curse not the impulses and emotions that take you on its whim, to swing you about, sometimes in a terrific whirl and other times, a horrific typhoon.

those who have more control than anything may agree that they are often independent, sometimes to the point of being cold. 'mysterious', if you prefer.

but with that comes the inability to let'er rip and let loose. even play is serious.


and how do i live..

disgust.

have you ever felt tired, through 'nothing' at all?

just the 'regular stuff', things from 'here and there'?


i'm getting tired. i'd witnessed raised voices, immature behaviour and an unwillingness to consider that one's thinking might not be as right as he thought it would be. i've had enough.

repeated exhortations at whether one is 'a friend' or not is not helping matters. and it's not even happening to me. gee whiz. my faith in the company i keep is strong, but i won't stand for this. gangsta behaviour.


i will ignore that person. thoroughly.

awareness on you.

distractions are nice. especially if clothed just so.

can't take my awareness off him!

two days spent lovely

people leaving. lovely people leaving.

one has left, two more to go. i'm staying on, nowhere else i want to be.


but these two days were spent lovely. had a ball of a time, things seem to be going on well, despite hiccups.

and i love life.

sobered

phew.

sobered already. heady distractions waved away and reality returns gently.


happiness. :)

sexy shirt

he stepped into the office today in a sexy shirt.

call me a sucker but he's the kind who possesses the kind of street-rogue charm. in a see-through shirt and jeans that, as usual, seem to oh-so-unwarily accent his butt, like it's a kind of an accident.


mmm yummy.

but ah, distractions aside...

ooh frenchie me

Your French Name is:

Jeannine Colin

What's Your French Name?

the place.

the place i had chosen out of the three possibilities has one main factor: The Lord.

When i stepped in one of the things i had seen was His visage, in the form of a painting, looking down benignly at me from a higher part of the wall. it has been good.

i really love the old-world feel of it, almost like this place hasn't been touched by time. the staircase if i remember correctly was still mosaic, and it spiraled angularly up to the second storey. there even was a bathtub! oh gosh, i had always wanted a bathtub! the old lady seemed fine, the maid can cook a decent chinese meal, given the yummy aromas that wafted from the kitchen when i was visiting.

thus. i'll be moving in come november. here's hoping i will be staying there for long, considering it is quiet and i love quietude. maybe draw up a contract that says i'll be sticking around for a year.....


hmm. The Lord will take care of me, and when it is time to move on, i will know. Amen.

place

i believe i have found the place for me. it's in bukit timah, it's a lovely lovely place with a pretty alright old aunty and her maid. rent's cheap and it looks like i'll love the weather there. lovely!


but i'm looking at this place in somerset tomorrow also.. let's all see how that goes!

there goes my baby; belated

there goes my baby, more ways than one. (just one more than one but it's still more ways than one)


-----

There Goes Ma Baby - Trisha Yearwood

He was the kind of guy who loved so unselffishly
And everyone could see what a prize he was
Everyone but me
I must be blind
I must be the kind
Who don't know what they have
'Till they're all alone and sad
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How could I have a love so fine and not know what it's worth
Maybe this empty heart he left behind
Is all that I deserve
What kind of fool
Finds a perfect jewel
And can't see how it shines
'Till she's all alone and crying
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How I wish I could hold him in my arms and say
"This time I'm gonna treat him right!"
But it's too late!
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye!


----

There Goes Ma Baby - by The Drifters
(Bo-bo, doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doot-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doo-doo-doo)

There goes my baby, movin' on down the line
Wonder where, wonder where, wonder where she is bound?
I broke her heart and made her cry
Now I'm alone, so all alone
What can I do, what can I do?

(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
(There goes my baby) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh
(There she goes) Yeah! (There she goes)

I wanna know if she loved me
Did she really love me?
Was she just playing me for a fool?

I wonder why she left me
Why did she leave me so all alone
So all alone

I was gonna tell her that I loved her
And that I need her
Beside my side to be my guide

I wanna know where is my (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
Where is my baby (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo) ?
I want my baby
I need my baby

Yeah, whoa-oh-oh

FADE
(There goes my baby)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

wonderment

i've always wondered how the things are the way they are.

the hits and misses, the good times, the bad. did i just carve these all out by myself??

club

been to a club today and witnessed the most interesting incident.

guy dances with girl with hot dance moves. girl shares a delicate snog on the dance floor, a while later guy was seen necking another guy and there was just too many group hugs and hugs all around.

guy ignores girl for necked buddy's attention (poor thing. ugly but i'm sure she's got a winning personality) and soon girl complain to necked friend and guy soon gets the shit. guy leaves club, girl follows later.

necked guy upset at the bar counter with another guy buddy who consoles him, somehow. girl and guy later seen outside of club, with the guy sitting in one corner, head between his knees and the girl's consoling him. it's interesting what we see in places as such. looks don't matter because 'personality' shines when lights are low.

and when you have air for brains chancey lights help if you have loads of foundation and mascara. either way, it works.


hahaha, what a funny world this is!

self-professed cold-faced person

i wonder, if i am overtly un-smiley sometimes. a smile makes me easier to approach, i suppose.

-chuckle- i suddenly remember a remark a certain simony had made about me: you're rather unapproachable.


maybe. maybe that's it. the lack of a smile and having a pokerface that tends towards Your High-Grouchy-Ness. i really should smile more. all bright-eyes but no smile - what a waste.

i should make an effort.

unedited

On Mosquitos

I had been here for two days and already I had counted the days I had been here.

Yes I know it’s only been two days and gully dwarves could count up to that number as well but I’m telling you, losing sleep for two nights running after a period of over-working is not funny.

Especially when the cause was mainly heat and mosquitoes. Heat I can hardly take already; heat coupled with mosquitoes warrants a surefire way to wake me and have me stay that way. Not that I’m ungrateful for the invitation to be about when the wedding takes place – I am, very much so in fact.

But being invited to witness the ceremonies during the day does not take away any of the itches that were bestowed upon me by these persistent six-legged little things during the night. Wearing painstakingly-crafted lacy garments helped, though, for I seemed to be wearing a fine, pretty net that allowed air to circulate and no mosquitoes. I was thankfully bite-free for the entire day. The downside was the weather was still as warm and humid as ever.

I had thought of a – principle, if you will – this morning when I was still bleary-eyed. If the reason why mosquitoes are this hungrily persistent is due to the ‘need’ for variety – does that mean hedonism is a bad bad thing indeed?

What I mean by variety is that these insects can survive on nectar, plant fluids and dew, not just human blood (or any blood, for that matter). And these insects chose human over plant, and me over the rest of the people. I have often wondered how they differentiated between the tastes, if there were tastes to us all. Surprisingly and for fear of sounding ever-so-slightly racist, my Malay roommates were left alone, so much so that when I had awoken from the pain (yes, literal pain) from the bites in the middle of the night to harass a slumbering roommate – her response was an exasperating ‘Really? There were mosquitoes?’

So… does that mean in a country and area that primarily houses Malays – I as a Chinese gets special treatment? Hmm. Maybe it was the difference in scent. But that cannot be, for I made sure I used whatever soap there was in the common bathroom. Maybe I give our more heat than the rest due to my higher metabolic rate and that therefore marks me as a beacon for those heat-sensing irritations? Or do people of different racial descent taste different to them? This is more possible than the ‘new-blood’ argument, considering I was bunking with three other people who were also visitors.

The reason why I ponder this much about mosquitoes is because goodness knows I react badly to mosquito bites, one bite can easily swell up to one and a half of the diameter of a fifty-cent coin. And God forbid that the bite should be on my face. It will look like a pimple and I cannot touch it. No amount of Oxy will help, the swelling will just have to go down by itself, which will take quite a few days indeed.
But through these two days, I had mastered mind over matter again. Funny, it happens each time I encounter mosquito problems as such which incidentally coincides with my trips to Indonesia.

Once the pain was over it was pretty much fine. It was the fifteen seconds after the bite that is quite unbearable. The itch that you can locate but cannot see; the itch you can locate and can see, then the stage wherein the itch heightens and the part that has been bitten starts swelling stupendously in irregular shapes and freak the hell out of you on top of being both itchy and painful at the same time.

If this is not poison I don’t know what is.


But then, mind over matter works. That or some soap and cold, cold water.

Hmm. Looks like I’ve said quite a bit about something as small as mosquitoes. I suppose I should get some sleep now and probably charge my laptop. The kids here seem to like me a lot, for some reason.

Do I smell nice to them too, that they like me this much?

men and women

i was having lunch today, as per usual, when there was a subtle shift in my perception.

the people i saw suddenly became acutely gendered.

not in the physical oh-i-got-big-boobies sense but rather their faces. the people about me are beautiful, but there is something about them that makes me want to back up a bit. i wonder if i give people that kinda feel.

and suddenly i got scared. i get the feeling that i'm swimming with sharks. me, this minnow, swimming with the fish who seem not to notice that i'm a minnow.

...i'd probably be dead if they did. the probably did, they probably are pretending that they don't notice so i can grow a little bigger so i can do more than just get stuck between their teeth.


the world is a big bad place!

marriage

my two dear friends are getting married! oh how lovely lovely lovely is that!

wow!

the longest day

it's one of those.

fortunately it's only ONE of those. if there were more i'd've killed myself as many times as THOSE times happened.


i was having the most wonderful dreams this morning when my eyes popped open due to biological tuning. needless to say, i closed them right again and spent the next hour swimming between quasi-wakefulness and a light doze, which meant that my delicious dreams were somehow intermitten.

when i finally had no choice but to get up off from bed i had thought it would be a good day today. then i proceeded to brush my teeth and get ready - the usual. everything was fine until i got on the bus, found myself a seat and tried to read my papers.

the papers refused to stay gripped. they were not that heavy though i'll admit that they are a little too wide to handle in a one-seater. the ride went on well, with no weird people sitting beside, in front of, nor behind me. it was alright. then i got off the bus - tapped my card and stepped off the bus, only to leave my slipper behind when my foot touched the ground.

my thong's (the footwear, not the lacy delicate) snapped!


i had to hurry to retrieve it lest the bus doors snap on my hand. it was, upon examination, fixable (thankfully). thus i half-trotted, half-hopped to the nearby coffee stall to get a rubberband. i frequent that place for their yummy toast and ice-blended horlicks and thus am at least familiar with the person running the show. i had therefore asked for a rubberband.

upon hearing my cheerful request and brief explanation, the chap gave me a sidelong look then ambled to retrieve one red rubberband for me, then proceeded to ask me for ten cents.


i looked at him in amused disbelief and, taking it as a joke, laughed and hopped to a seat and began to fix my slipper. once done i tested it and thanked the rather-curious shop-keeper whom i had gotten the thong-saver from. he then asked for ten cents again, then when i goofily stuck out my arm and told him, 'pluck it yourself' in chinese (ten cents sounds like '1 hair' in Chinese) he sauntered off elsewhere, mumbling to himself.

it was not until five happy self-congratulating five meters later that i realised i might just have mistaken that dry tone for something more humourous......


ho boy did i walk faster! i mean, ten cents wasn't much and i would've given it gladly but THAT was just embarrassing!






..and so i brisk-walked to my students' place and art class took place. the kids were up but we started late as usual for they took their time with their breakfast and by the time we started we were forty minutes behind time. it didn't help that the youngest had to sluuuuuurp her milo as loudly as a polite Japanese man would to praise an able cook.

she was, thankfully, cute. it helped with tolerating her for half a nanosecond more.


then i smacked her.

and lest you think i'm a bully, it was a literal slap on the wrist followed by gentle admonition.


the kids took more time than was needed to draw today, for some reason and by the time they were near done two hours had passed which left us all only one hour to paint, which sure as plums are diahorrhea-causing will not be enough to complete the paintings. and throughout the struggle it had to rain... the aircon was on, the rain was there, i had been ill, hadn't very much sleep and had to contend with these little rascals........

the final straw for that lesson was when one of them tried to be smart with me.


needless to say, i left that place (nearly an hour) later when i've scheduled to meet someone an hour after my planned lesson-end time.

it did not help at all, that the rain was still coming down onto the pavement in a suicidal fashion; nothing like the whimsical-hesitant-frivolous kind of rain that we get sometimes. having gotten my paycheck for that month for these, i was able to take a quick ride down to the meeting-place without getting too wet. i was not late, which was good.


what wasn't was that the bloke had asked to meet up after nearly a year and a half so i could meet HIS friend - it would be so much more interesting if he were gay - so i may have the chance to be 'introduced' to 'health products' and 'make money' at the same time.

(that's right. mlm. KILL ME SOMEBODY!)


so The Friend spent two hours talking to me, introducing to me the various perks and products i have heard of (just another brand) and the kind of money i can make and the places i can go to, the kind of bonding that is the culture -

it wasn't easy to appear to listen when your head hurts and your eyes feel like someone's squeezed some lemon juice into it and the weather is just so nice and cooling..... i prayed for a chance to get out of the place.

and He, my dear, sweet God, answered!


a customer from two centuries back called and i had to disrupt The Friend's speech and presentation with suitable apologies. to handle the call.

...but if He had answered my prayers then i had foolishly let it slip through my fingers. i had not harboured thoughts of citing that call as an excuse to bail. i harboured thoughts of that only after two minutes of sitting down, which was already too late for me to say 'hey, stop, i've to go back to the office...' (yes i kicked myself for that, only later)


thankfully though, He had noted this foolish mistake of mine and i received ANOTHER call from a different customer! never in my life was i so happy to hear an unfamiliar voice that mispronounces my name as 'lawrence' in a disgruntled manner.

this time, i took that chance. thanking The Friend for his efforts and time and THAT Friend for wanting to share, i fled.


if any one of you were to think i were an ingrate for spurning those two's efforts - trust me i feel bad about it. they may have done it for money, they may have done it 'to spread the goodwill' but if i were to be in their shoes i would appreciate the courtesy to listen. it IS hard to do sales, i fully appreciate that.


...but i kicked myself for not taking the first chance to run anyway.


once in the office things were alright; the customer left happy (until monday comes, anyway) and i was able to get a semblance of a peace of mind for a while. then i headed down to town in the late afternoon, to look for a particular book i had been lusting after since this morning.

so i spent more hours than necessary in that bookstore commonly known as borders - the sky darkened without my noticing and my hunger tugged at my unresponsive being - until nine-odd, when i finally eliminated enough books for me to pay without breaking the bank. i have the squinty-eyed latina thing going on for me by that time. still i managed to totter my way to the bistro behind the said bookstore and had dinner. juice and spaghetti, who would've thought they tasted so good?

i'll wake up to regret this in the morning, i know, but now's not morning and morning can wait.


once satisfied i started walking towards my bus station - and, beat this - when i was waiting for the man to turn green a chinese national (male) crossed the street and asked if i may spare him some money to eat. then, upon my handing over a ten, asked if he may have more, so he may put up somewhere.

he even asked my name and my number so he can return me the money. i'd provided him my name and a fake number - which is just as well for i noticed that he only took his mobile phone out when i prompted him to (why ask for phone numbers when you can't remember it?) and hadn't even copied my entire string of eight numbers, much less save it.


make no mistake, this fella hand-carries a leather (faux or otherwise i do not know) case and looks like your everyday exec on a friday evening. the only thing giving his origins away is his accent.

i mean, do i have 'loaded; ask for money here' scrawled across my forehead? i was in torn jeans and zipped-up cardigan with a beaten-up canvas slingbag WITH a bag of books and he asks if i may spare him monies for food AND lodging??

but then again, it was only ten bucks. if he had asked for it and didn't dare save my number he probably needs it more than i do.


and so i continue on my way to the bus station, and took that bus home.



what a day it's been, this! it's another day in this urban jungle. who says you don't have to fight for survival here? i know i have to, and i know others have to, too. what makes a difference is graciousness; in speech and in actions. i'm glad i did not put too many people on the defensive today. and yes, i have lived this day, quite to the fullest.

what about you, though?

flatmate.

i got a new flatmate
i saw him when i was sick, yesterday

then i didn't see him today
probably not again tomorrow

maybe never ever
until i move away

but who cares
i don't know him anyway

random

men are like that, you know. they're the weirdest things on earth. then again, i don't know women very well, neither. the entire race confounds me. they say one thing to mean another. it's either that or they mean it.

then there's this thing about expressing oneself. i mean, is it necessary? what does it matter, if one didn't speak, nor write, nor drew, nor...?


heh. i don't understand. then again, maybe i do.

writing about nothing at all

i try to write but nothing comes out
i try and try and leaves start to sprout
i wave them away in ridicule
but they entangle me in the slow-mo duel

two thousand years passed and still i write
around me little beings lived and died
i watched them grow i watched them fight
i even watched them discover light

then i knew what i'd to pen
why hadn't i thought of it then
it's this frenzy this lust for strife
this poison that accompanies life

but then i noticed that if i moved
their houses would fall and they'd be food
for nature's creatures; ants to - something tall
and i'd be writing about nothing at all

on loneliness

there's no such thing.

if you're lonely then you either don't know loneliness or you got a life. i'd say i have both.


thankfully! :) more emotionally independent than anything, aye? but i understand what you're getting at. it's tough sometimes, i suppose. i know how it is to miss someone, to miss being with someone.

but what does that solve? it's another useless emotion. i'd mastered my anger, i'm mastering my pride.



surely you can master loneliness. i trust in you, sweet being.

i love you, still. be good, now.

storyteller

aye, that be me.

blogs are read and conclusions are made. sometimes... though sometimes it is nice to indulge in a little fantasy about someone else, that maybe what that person has written or said means that person lives or thinks this way.

satisfies the sleuth in us all, doesn't it. heh.


priding oneself on being a 'quick judge' or simply afraid to ask? i know someone who isn't like that. -grin-

but who cares, anyway? i'm spinning my tale like that fella in the movie titled 'big fish'.


and it makes things more interesting.

dear john

it is not often that i say this, i've only said it once, to someone else, albeit differently.

i know it's wrong and nowhere near right but i like you a lot and it adds to my plight. you're taken and taken, many times over; still i want you as my lover. this sounds like poetry i know very well, but the words flow on as you can tell.

i've been through this and it was messy, took more than four years for me to bury. you've a daughter and a wife i've met and seen; i understand and i don't want to be queen.

you said we aren't to see each other as often as [something]. i agree; but here's the link.

i love your company; you like mine too. but i don't want her to worry about 'Number Two'. i'll move soon, this i know well. here though are thoughts from me to you.

be loved by me, and love in return. heartfelt (or not) doesn't matter, i've learnt.


i want you for you and you want me for me; works well for us doesn't it, sweetie?

we're taking this chance and then the chance is over. meet me this week on thursday; seven. i'll be there at the tombstone fountain.

test, test.

i had whiled away a perfectly idlesome saturday evening clicking on buttons for personality quizzes, and there was this one particular test titled 'is he the one for you'.

the first question was as such:
The first time you met him, how did he act?
• It was so obvious that he was staring at you.
• He just said "hi".
• He was about to smile at you but you had already given him a big smile

hmm. (click)


Number Two:
When you meet him socially, he __________
• says "How are you?" or crack a joke.
• seems a little uptight.
• doesn't look at you or sometimes pretends that he isn't when you catch him.

mm - (click)


Number Three:
When you call him, he __________
• does all the talking. If you don't stop, neither does he.
• says "Hi! How are you? I'm glad you called."
• says "What's up? Nothing much? Well, I have to get back to work.


hum. tricky. (click)


and so it goes on, until number 7, in which it asks:

When you get sick, he __________
• asks your best friend about how you are doing.
• calls and says "I really hope you get well soon."
• says "Oh, there's something going around. A lot of people are getting it.


oh golly. what if the answer's the kind that doesn't fall within these three choices? hmmmmmmm isn't that tough now. (click)





and again on it goes to the end, with me thinking to myself, bemused: "this won't look good."

and true enough, it doesn't. what is there is really like a glass of water. plain as plain gets but noticably - mm, 'more'? i don't know how to explain it.

i almost laughed at my last thought: this is Da Game, in which no one knows whether the other is being interested or merely politely interested. this is Da Game that gives my straight-talking cousin the pleasurable chills.


chuckling to myself, this is ridiculous. Da Game? i had never been interested in games before, much less ones with capital letters helming them.

But that's not to say i am helpless at them when i find myself in The Arena. i'm not saying i'm great at it; i mean it more in the 'competent swimmer who prefers walking' manner. but then, games tend to be better with more people, like two.

while i understand why my cousin loves Da Game i secretly suspect he is slightly masochistic to want to be suspended in the 'want-don't-want' stage.


i like it like this, in this stage because it doesn't matter whether it's a 'want' or 'don't want'. i'm not looking for it to happen.

i want to love, for all its pleasure and smiles and highs but at the same time i don't want to love because men are such capricious creatures.



(then again so are women, even more pronounced with our PMS - 'perpetual menstrual syndrome', as some men put it. so. what gives?)

citing troubles

i have personally found it affronting to not be called wrong when i spelt 'warranty' as 'warrantee'.

i mean, hello, 'guarantee'?


obviously someone before me made the spelling mistake and I'M paying for it.

i'm sure that if the presumptious blunder hadn't been made when dictionaries were invented the word would have been spelt like i spell it.

'warrantee'.




even the great writers used The Other Spelling. bah. sheep, the whole bunch of them. they should have met me earlier, so i could correct that embarrasing confusion.

but too late and too bad for them, i am born only two decades back. you people now have the unbelievable honour and magnificent luck to have me in your midst, to tell you about this undiscovered mistake.


have no fear, adoring fans; even if the world trembles when i speak, i will not forsake you, the whos that are in my original list of mail.



LX



(ye gods. that was just a trial run of how i be were i an ignorant, audacious, stiff-upper-lipped snoot. while i
-shudder- kinda like it, it somehow feels like what should be on stage for a stand-up.

hum.)

the person so delicious

ooh yes.

i've found that person that makes the breath quicken and the blood run a blue mile; and bejesus i had found the one who is so fantastically... so fantastically... energetic!

what luck!

the mouth that refuses to speak

yes i have been that for some time at work. shied away from the phone, shied away from people, hid in my corner and laid low.

but today, it's been good. started last night, when i started to speak again. realised people don't change, i do. and if they aren't going to change i'm not going to bother.

yay to me!

cleanliness of mind

dear all.

if you know where to buy a bottle of originality, do let me know. i know a friend who is in dire need of it.

if you know where to get a slap of humour, let me know; i know a few who deserve it.

if you know where to find peace of mind canned, let me know, i need a bathtub-ful of it.

and lastly, if you know where to find a piece of bad luck, let me know; i know who i will throw it at.

what's going on!

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
ooh, ooh ooh
and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

sometimes when you thought...

sometimes when you thought love was in da house you found out it had gone out da window.

sometimes when you thought the past had been run over by the wheels of time it's walking through the door in the same black tee and bermudas with AN INVITATION in hand.

sometimes when you thought luck was on your side you found out all you got was her backside.

sometimes when you thought you couldn't care less you cried.

sometimes when you thought people leave so they can return you realise it is really a one-way road despite the U-turn signs.

sometimes when you are going through shit you feel safer, because you know you just have to stick it through and you'll live to see another day.

you also realise that sometimes it takes good times to see someone's true colours, not just bad times.

sometimes you don't realise how the song that goes 'don't you make my brown eyes blue' means so many different things on so many different levels.

sometimes if you complained that 'money's tough to earn' - you'd better not be talking to an mp3 pirate.

sometimes when you needed to talk to someone the best you can do is a cactus sitting on the window sill:




"...whomever murphy was, he is dead right.

"...whomever murphy was, i wish he were alive so i can
kill him."




and the cactus doesn't spoil his cool.

you're beautiful

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

rejuvenation each day

so tired these days. physically. spiritually sound and mentally well-adjusted.

thank heavens for this regenerative ability!

the feeling

you know how sometimes when shit happens it's always your fault, even when it's not?

you know how you've become so accustomed to being wrong the first reaction is to apologise when someone accuses you of being wrong?

do you?


do you know the feeling when someone you trusts and admire at work, whom you thought supported you - he isn't standing on your side when shit hits the fan? even he is assuming you're at fault, too?

do you know the feeling?

hair

i wait for my hair to grow.

it's short and it's frizzed. i want it to grow quick. quick quick quick!

macs

My mac fell with as much force as I did when I'd managed to keel over earlier this evening. (I'd tripped lah)

While granted that my dear iBuk in its own protective wrapping and I'm in mine, I had suffered scraped knees and bruised dignity while the mac's merrily working as I type this email, still.

You may say that 'hey it's a thick covering your laptop's got' but I beg to differ.

While I don't encourage the trip test (read: tripping while holding the laptop and have it sail a short arc through the air with you watching in horror as you hit the ground) - or any drop tests for that matter - I am proud to say that my baybeee macintoshie survived!

It might be a little grubby where my wrists lay but it's a hardly lil piece.

And who says apples suck? It's them pcs that do, instability an' all! Now who's yer mac daddy???


(here's hoping my pretty monitor won't come off when I lift it for work come Monday...)

ever felt the fever?

have you ever felt the fever? ever felt the heat?

ever heard the words leave someone's mouth that doesn't matter but matters? like the words from your boss's mouth?


you want to do your best. it makes you feel good. doesn't it?

..doesn't it?

monday.

sometimes when it ain't yer fault it is yer fault.

sometimes when it ain't yer business it is yer business.

shit happened, the team that's to cover the damn thing gets it. but he understands. but he screamed anyway. what he was trying to acheive, i've no idea.


i pray that tomorrow will be a better day.

sometimes

sometimes you just don't know what to do.

it's tough i suppose. you truly don't know how the hells to go on with life. even when people tell you you're alrighty.


i'm getting depressed right now, i don't quite get why. just a general feeling of coldness and unease. somehow, somehow. i'm willing to bet it's hunger.

that or it's me listening to the song titled 'sing along' by dave matthews. that's a song i heard and listened to during those cliched nights after the lagi more cliched heartbroken nights, when i was feeling a little lost as to what i'm going to do with my life and suchlike.

if i sing along will you sing along/
if i sing along does it mean i'm along/
if i sing along does it mean i'm along/
or will you see me as insecure/
as anybody else/


..headed to a date later, with someone whom my colleague said looks like a bollywood star (he's northern indian).

it doesn't matter what he looks like, because i can't tell whether he's good-looking or not. doesn't matter, this.


but he IS the equivalent of tall darke and handsome. what can i say? a date is a date is a date. here's hoping i won't need to stay up and out.

guesses

things people do, things people say. prophesies and suchlike, i'm part of the plan.

but what role do i play, and what am i here to acheive?

am i here to teach gentleness and bring joy? maybe. who knows? i might dream up an answer tonight.

that ass

that ass's so distracting!

omigosh.

geek i am!

it's proven. i'm a geek.

unpolished

unpolished, i am.

i'll have to watch out. quietitude is the best attitude to take.


watch and learn, young grasshopper.

the skin

yes, the skin is a wonderful thing indeed.


i hate to be touched but love it at the same time.

just please, please do not tap me. hate it. abso-kabloot-ly.

speedy boy

my hamster enchants me so. and i figured that it's quite smart. cute lil thing, you!

astrology

happened to read my horoscopes these few days and it looks like romance is looking for me. -chuckle-

maybe romance, but also maybe just fun times. it keeps telling me that romance is coming my way. other than the single bloke at work, where the hells is it? well, alright, there is the other obscure man who thinks i'm the one for him. then again, who knows whomever else's skirt he's chasing?

sweet, but a stranger. craziness. lemme show him my new hairstyle and maybe he'll back off. -laugh-


here's hoping the career takes off. it'd better, this company's my love!

oh, is it showing?

so i don't quite like men as a general rule. but it's truly funny how some of them make me so happy, just by being there and being their charming selves.

i suppose it's only when they start saying things like they really like me or see a future with me that i start freaking out. thankfully i don't have many of those hanging around. enough to keep the ego afloat but just enough so i don't have to consider changing my number.

but then, what's so special about my case? i don't know. maybe it's because who i deal with are older men rather than youthful plankheads who hardly know the world? because i'm merely 22? because...?

who cares, really? i like oldies, i love jazz, am in love with good ole port, white wine, prefer chilling out rather than making conversation..


you're right, i do sound like an old woman. maybe that's why i'm in love with older men.

driving

ooh i love the feel of it! so exciting!

now to get a rich boyfriend...

humour

when you don't know what to do, laugh.

it's true.

YARGH another one!

mark called to say he's back! what in the world's happening?!

alien contact

wah piang eh sam made contact on the same day.

scary. came with his wifey and her best friend all the way from the states. here's hoping this is the last of it all.


with God's grace, amen.

the ring

i'd received a message from someone i thought i'd never hear from ever again.

but there it is, that message. i'd experienced that nearly-forgotten jolt of fear when i saw his number.


but well. looks like we're set to play a game this saturday. great! i'd missed people.

fortune teller

a fortune teller told me once, that i would be in love with a man who's not good for me.

i'd love that man like he were my life and i would do anything for him. she said, though, we would break up. she also mentioned that there was another girl overseas, and she would return to singapore and i would one day see her.

i would get insanely jealous when i do see her and in the end, he and i would break up. there's a very good chance, she said, that i would kill myself when that happened. we would be together for exactly a year and that'd be the end of it.

needless to say, i was very upset when i heard that but the boyfriend i had back then wasn't the one she was talking about.

it was simony.

the good news she had for me at the end though, was that i would meet another, much better than that one, and we would be happy.


my words of bravado to her back then were: alright, so let it happen. get it over and done with and then let's go on to the good stuff.

what she didn't know was that i had asked my mother to help get some things for me and spent that time in bed. i cried like i were a violin string strung too tight - i had howl-shrieked my pain and - for the lack of a less melodramatic word - anguish like i were about to break.

thankfully i get over things as such quick: i was done by the time my mother returned later that day. i moped a little but nothing as intense as that kinda expression.


..now that simony's over (phew) - here's looking forward at the future. i'm not looking for love, at love, suchlike.

i'm just not looking. i get followed about by random acquaintances as usual, but i pay them no heed. i get invitations to be f* buddies but i'm not that interested - i choose my f* buddies, they don't choose me. emotional needs satisfied because there aren't any, physical needs satisfied by my paramours and most importantly, my Lord satisfies my spiritual needs.

what more do i ask for? :) i'm living the perfect life! amen to that!

happiness

happiness comes when you don't expect it.

expectations, that's what i'm talking about. don't expect, and you get it.


but if you expect quality, you tend to get it. and when you get quality, you are happy. chicken and egg?

yes.

callow? me?

Those who in later years did me harm I describe as I knew them then, and I beg any reader to remember that, although I was hardly callow, I was not yet wise in the ways of the world.
--Iain Pear


aye, and we all learn. you had your turn, now's mine.

in love

in love with this unattainable man.

i think i'm destined to be the mistress. men. ha.


women: double ha.

and i miss you..

when i have a moment to myself, i wonder how you are babes.


how's jasmine doing with her job? she having a great time like i am?

how's su doing with her messed-up life? anymore taiwanese drama-serial-worthy happenings? is she alright?

how's jenn, is she coping alrighty without macho?


and i miss me, too. how am i? am i happy? content? pleased with work but what about friends?

i realise i'm quite the recluse these days. wishing for a friend to sit at a pub with, without a thing to say. no need for words, just good music.

come, you. we hardly have anything to say to each other. but we are ok with silence, which is cool. let's hit the pub, you and i. esplanade, like always? this weekend, if possible!

i thought i knew this!

i thought i knew that the business world is an evil and dangerous place, almost like the mafia.

what i didn't know: it really IS like the mafia.


i thought i knew men: i don't.

i thought i was smart: i didn't realise there's this much i don't know.

i thought i was good in english - until i'd sent an email saying 'gracefully accepted' in response to an apology.

i thought life's simple: it is. just that i hadn't noticed the extra kinks in the works until now.

i thought old people are gullible. i was dead wrong: the older they are the more careful you'd better be. you may be smart but they've experience. you may run fast but their reach is long. either way, you die.

i thought courtesy's a given: those who taught me that lied.

i thought there were no good men: wrong. there's a good man when the price is right. (mind out of gutter!)

i thought it's impossible to be nasty and polite at the same time: dead wrong.


so many things i thought i knew but heck! new things, new things, what excitement this is! and somehow, this makes me a great deal happier knowing that my friends are my friends are my friends and i probably won't have to deal with them in business.

i'm thankful to see another facet of the world; the 'gamer' side of people, the 'businessman' side of people, the 'goofball' side, the 'family' side, 'the other woman' side etc etc etc. i'm going in a wide-eyed greenie and am loving every moment of this growing.

the knocks and praises, all. and i'm very, very thankful to have this job.

the return

people go so they can return.

like how people learn so they can question.


it's all going to be alright little baby, it's going to be fine.

besides, we wagered on some things, didn't we? -grin- i'm sure i'll win on those.

time passes

and time passes.

it's good, i suppose. no need to think about anything else. a form of productive escapism i suppose.

i dreamt of you last night

hooo boy i most definitely did. :)

-chuckle-

definitions

if 'mysogynist' means woman-hater what's the word for man-hater?

if starfish were to regrow after they're being cut-up do the cut-up bits start from age 0 again?

what about earthworms?



if gravity were to help in causing wrinkles will sleeping with your head tilted backward help in reversing the process?

the price

the price of heading off to cheong then working the next day is health.

down with flu and cough and lost my voice. nightmare of the moment is having kids at my place tearing up my prized paintings and books and i can't even scream at them.

consolation of the moment though: i have a big stick.

conversations.

i wonder if people will say things like 'oh i've had a nice 80 years of life' after they're dead or enthuse about their 'fantastically crazy' twenty.

maybe they all sit and talk, amongst themselves, over a cuppatea, saying 'yea well, you seem to have a terribly exciting way to come - i had never been chased down by a monster that lurks just outside of your sight in the last train before - '


maybe the rest'll all nod in agreement, murmurring 'what bullshit.'

maybe there'll be one who says 'wow, and the train shuts its lights off carriage by carriage!'


me? i'll probably be the one who slurps her cuppa and listens to the life experiences of others while planning the naughtiness for the next life to happen, if there is one.

the life

hmm. went after work to get to a club.

needed that, to get the latent stress outta me. drank, drank and drank some more. and danced. all thanks to a certain mark. a beat presser also came along to club.

but well. what else, eh? it was rather fun, small talk over big music, can't hear shit and have to shout or resort to light instead of sound for communication.

gotta work tomorrow and here i am, typing this at three am. hum. i think i'm done, now. prolly would have to sleep with me eyes open tomorrow.

bah. one night lived is a night earned, one day worked is one day saved.

and i get sian.

heh.

and i get sian of this flirtation. jadedness? maybe.

drive? definitely. career. i'll build it up. let's all flirt later.


besides. money talks.

love? 'kao bian zhan'.

mmm i see him again

oh yes. right there. hovering right by me.

another girl's apparently attracted to him as well, only she's more open. i'm like 'tea', they said, pleasantly subtle.


how sweet, that. but well. work, work.

do not lay where you get yer pay.

about thine manhood

puh-lease.

eddie

i miss you eddie.

i know you can't read this because you don't know this site exists. i miss you. you may be the automated thought when my thoughts are turned towards simony, but

i suppose i do miss you, for you. not for anyone else.


not meaning to say anything nasty about anyone else's size, technique, stamina and manners: you're the best lover ever.

and it's your embrace i miss. i hear the song that goes '..you and i - collide' and i think of simony and i miss you. replacement? you're a very successful one.

someone had mentioned if he could have his ex-es write testimonials about his performance he'd have stacks of paper. i'm thinking he'd have stacks of paper to hide.

if i were to write anything for anyone, however, i'd write this for you: Eros reincarnated. and i'm kinda glad i'd lost someone to have known a sex god.


miss you dear. be good, now. you'd been naughty, but then that's my fault. :)

be good now.

malayed words.

life?

so weird, so weird.


not wanting to fall in love but still falling in love. here's hoping it's lust but how is it lust when we share electrifying smiles and are hardly doing anything too open.

i guess i'd played my mind game and had gotten my answer. :)

yes, it's The Game. READY, LIGHTS, ACTION!

the sweet high of flirtation

mmm it's delicious, isn't it, to find someone to flirt with.

this one's got the thrill to him. a little like simony when we started out: the unspoken something we share when our eyes meet. somehow, just somehow, we can't help but smile when we see each other's about.

too bad he's my superior. heh, damn CEO at that.


keep clear, aye.

happy.

yes, am happy at last.

it doesn't have to come from love of someone. :)


and i shall never, never get married. yes!

never ever

i'm never going to get married.

with men like that, nooo sirree. they're either unaffectionate - or when they are they can't keep their hands to themselves. bah.


no marriage for me.

sick of men

why do they ask me to be f* buddies?

screw yerselves, you hear?!

the wake

i'd gone to the wake.

it reminds me of Dream's wake, only less magnificent and breath-taking. it's full of mortals instead of magic beings with wings and godlike powers. almost like staring at ants making their rounds about the coffin, instead of something else.

maybe that's me trying to avoid the fact that i'm at a funeral.


cried nonetheless. was aiming for minimal tears. felt like i succeeded. first wake ever, don't understand how it goes. when an elder dies it seems that elder transcends into godhood. maybe that's why the older and richer chinese have ancestrial rooms where all the tablets are.

whatever it is.

grandaunt, if you can suddenly understand english and access the net on top of having the intuition to find my blogsite: zou hao. i may not have known you very well, but you have been kind. thank you for none of the nastiness when others look at me in degrading light. thank you for loving my father even if he's the enfant terrible of his generation. may the Lord send His angels to guide your way.

you may not belong to him but i had prayed for your safe journey, He will ensure it. because He's that kinda God.

death and migration

so what's the difference between death and migration?

you tend to forget the people who migrate, while you remember those who died.


at least i do. going to the wake tomorrow.

pointless questions

please don't tease me, i dislike it.

don't start conversations with 'where are you' and 'who are you with' - there are so many other questions that get the same answer, and so much more pleasant; i'd hate to have another mother/father who desires to know where i am, who i'm with etc etc wtf.

please also do not ask me 'do you know who i am' - it gets my hackles up and i really really would say nasty things, especially if you are being coy with me over sms. you either tell me or you don't tell me. please don't have me guess.

i won't care to know who you are if you're asking me that question, especially if you had just gotten yourself a funky new number, or, better yet, 'privatised' your number. i'll be sorry once i find out who you are but it won't be before i tell you to stick your face where bobbafat's sun won't shine.


acquaintances who ask me 'how old do you think i am' in response to my asking 'how old are you' make me laugh and shake my head: that's vanity and i know it. worse, it might well be insecurity.

and before you even ask me, yes it shows.


i'm sorry if i sound harsh when you tease, if you tease. but should you tease, that's how i will respond. it's like tickling a person who doesn't like to be tickled: you get hit.

wen should know.


but seriously. please don't tease me. especially if you're close. you're deliberately doing something that i do not enjoy. i won't be able to find it in myself to do anything to you but i won't enjoy not doing so neither.

but before you mistake me for being humourless, there is a distinct difference between good-natured joking and ill-mannered teasing. the former has both parties laughing it off while the latter may not be funny. it's not that i don't have a sense of humour; it's that our humour styles may not match.


and if i were to have done anything to piss you off, speak up. especially if you are close. shying away from so-called confrontation only to bear a grudge is quite silly. i've lost friends like that.

but truth be told, if i can lose someone like that it's no loss of mine. i speak up when i think something's not right and i do expect the same. tell me if i'd offended you so i know what it is exactly that i'd said that hurt you. harbouring resentment is just like storing cellulite: ugly.

it does nobody good; the one carrying the cellulite feels like a fruit while the people who see the cellulite get optical-burn.

speaking up is preferrable for sometimes i don't mean it that way and i probably wasn't referring to 'you'.

if i were, i'm sure you would know. and if my words were indeed more inclined to be read another way i would explain myself, and apologise, too, for the unnecessary angst i'd caused, if any. that's assuming my easily-misread words were brought to my attention, of course.

..as for the audacity to say that if i lost someone due to one side's not speaking up that in turn led to the drift-apart: speaking up more often than not requires effort. because it will need time and sometimes comes along with anxiety in broaching the subject followed by the possibly-explosive discussion that may follow, assuming thoughts of being seen as 'trouble-seeking', 'angsty', 'confrontational' or even 'immature' has never crossed your mind before you even start.


for friends who speak up, kudos and my personal thanks to you; you have my respect since the day we traded meaningful words. i recognise that you are brave and you value and respect me as much as i value and respect you. i'm glad to have you in my life, i'm glad we both know that fights only mean that we know more about each other.

for friends who didn't, i hope those matters are small and are forgotten. i probably wouldn't have noticed if i hadn't said anything about it. i would ask if anything's wrong if i sense something's not quite right. if i didn't, i might've missed it altogether. similarly, i would let the topic go if i were to ask and you were to tell me it doesn't matter.

i would of course, ask further if you were to tell me 'it's alright' only to throw funky tantrums at me. i would naturally try not bear the brunt of the 'mood', especially if you tell me 'it's okay' or 'i'm alright' or 'nothing's wrong'.

if you're 'fine' and you're behaving that way then you're just hard to be with. in which case i'd be most glad to walk my self somewhere else and enjoy the scenery there. there's hardly anyone forcing anyone else to spend time together, is there?


...if i did miss my being abrasive/insensitive/whatnot entirely and it's making you feel like the friendship's not worth your while, tell me what's wrong. at least give me a chance at understanding what's going on and maybe try to clear the misunderstanding, if any. i think if you can sincerely call me 'friend' as i can similarly hail you as such, we both deserve that crucial discussion to clear the air.

i'd hate to lose people i'd been through life's lessons with because of misunderstandings.

but if it hasn't mattered to you to start with, by all means, leave the matter be. i'd much rather spend my time and efforts on those who i care about and who reciprocate it. i don't presume to try to crack a nut that doesn't want to be cracked.

like someone said, 'you can only make yourself as lovable as you can be, whether the other chooses to love you is their decision to make'. similarly, i can only offer to be there for you. whether or not you will have my presence about really depends on you.

i'm sorry i'm bad at keeping in touch. i don't call people. not because i don't think of you but because there's the damn email that doesn't cost a thing. i'm also sorry about being bad at remembering birthdays. i feel bad forgetting as well. if i had forgotten yours, i'm sorry. but that's what birthday reminders.com is for, no?

of all the people i know, i only know 6 peoples' birthdays by heart. 2 because they share the same birthday and it happens to fall on sept 11; one because it's on 15th april, one because it's 2 days before mine and another because it's one day after. the last one belongs to my most-recent ex: his birthday's on the 30th march.

but seriously.. i try to remember, yes, but most of the time i only remember the rough date (read: month) which i'm pretty good at. having said that, i thoroughly won't mean it if i were to forget your birthday, i would plan cakes and presents if i were to, or at least send a birthday card or give you a call. suffice to say, there would be indication that i remember.

if i were to blithely forget, please forgive me, i don't mean to. thus, it is almost always a good idea to gently remind me that you're birthday is around the corner.

i'll be sure to bring you something. :) with that, i end my rather awkward piece that i would otherwise polish if it were a holier time than now.

perfume

i wonder, do all girls smell nice?

why do men like to tell me i smell nice? it's not like i spray perfume on me. i use shampoo like everybody else. and macam you can smell just by standing right beside me lor. if jasmine were to read this she's say she'd faint from the bo, wherever that came from.


is it a line men use, because they can't say 'you're good-looking' or 'you're [this]' or 'you're [that]'?

nothing else to say arh? 'you smell nice'.



geebus.