fight

i fought with a friend today. over some other friend's rudeness.


i was quite upset, suffice to say.

another friend advised me... that maybe i perceive everything as a slight towards me because of my childhood (she knows probably as much as the girls know) and thinking about it, there may be possibility that it might be true. the way i keep the office clean, the way i buy food for the office; the way i seem to be amassing friends to be family...

maybe that's why i am this picky when i choose my friends who i am very protective of. maybe that's also why i get hurt more easily than most.

..yeah, that might be why after i get hurt i realise that they're not family, but friends. then i realise that even family members fight sometimes, and that's the only idea i have towards friends, trying to keep them as family. a great deal of the time i flounder, because i don't quite know what to expect.


quite a bit of the time i watch, try to be happy with just being there and trying to fit in so i don't cause too many ripples or dead silences, so i can simply be in the same environment as my friends without disturbing them too much as i know i sometimes make people uncomfortable. heh.


it's a bit like keeping goldfish in a bowl, somewhat detached, but longing to be inside of the bowl with your beloved "fish" - and when you finally do immerse yourself in the same waters, you are a little bit antsy, a little bit careful, a little excited and at the same time delighted that these "fish" are the same "fish" you are; that you have actually known them practically all your life. so why does it feel like i am the kind of fish that gets out of the bowl and walks on twos sometimes?

how come so many people do not understand what i say?


tone? pitch? words? methinks i may have to type every thought i have into bite-sized little pieces and have every possible little quibble mapped out and nailed with precise words so very literal minds can read them and understand - on the surface - what those words are trying to translate into.

not you, probably. you probably understand what i'm trying to say, because you give extra thought, like thinking, "what happened," or "why does she say this," or something to the like.

then again, maybe you don't. haha


..fish. "fish". i'm one too, so why does it feel like i'm in a bowl - "bowl" - one so very different from yours? so vastly different.