i find it harder and harder to connect with someone, anyone.
this is unusual, for i don't usually have problems with connecting with people. i know i've had the practice "not needing anyone, for that matter", but needing people emotionally is vastly different from needing people in other areas, because you need "the other people" to be around so you can earn their money.
it seems like i'm rather brutally practical about things, whether or not i can take it. if i need it, i will take it. "survivor" is just another word for "rat", i've found: it's near impossible to eradicate this species.
maybe it's professional fatigue that causes me to speak like this, maybe it's physical - hell, maybe both.
it feels good now that i have people there for me. i'm thankful for it... the only shame is that the boyfriend's not there.
i must be without a soul to feel this way!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
mousey girl who lives in a town
i find that i'm quite mousey, and that i hardly belong in the urban setting. the only reason i'm here is because i know no other way. if i were to suddenly need to live in the forest, i may adapt rather quickly. the forest is kind, but somehow humans walked out.
maybe the caves weren't numerous enough for all of us, that we have to make our own. and it makes sense to build a big cave, like anthills, only geometrically sound so it doesn't topple.
and then we teach our children how to make things - things we probably wouldn't teach another child lest our child is "outpaced", so to speak. then someone figured that it'd make the place better if we pooled out knowledge and taught everyone everything, and let the ones who are better pursue their knowledge.
then came the people, who still needed the same things they need - only they now know who to get to get the job done. "because little johnny jims is the best cooper in town! i swear it, 'cause just the other day..."
there then came the economy, after groups of people of different capabilities came together, and with the economies, they moved the world.
..ish.
and that "ish" is why i am a mousey girl who lives in a town instead of a mousey urban girl.
maybe the caves weren't numerous enough for all of us, that we have to make our own. and it makes sense to build a big cave, like anthills, only geometrically sound so it doesn't topple.
and then we teach our children how to make things - things we probably wouldn't teach another child lest our child is "outpaced", so to speak. then someone figured that it'd make the place better if we pooled out knowledge and taught everyone everything, and let the ones who are better pursue their knowledge.
then came the people, who still needed the same things they need - only they now know who to get to get the job done. "because little johnny jims is the best cooper in town! i swear it, 'cause just the other day..."
there then came the economy, after groups of people of different capabilities came together, and with the economies, they moved the world.
..ish.
and that "ish" is why i am a mousey girl who lives in a town instead of a mousey urban girl.
Monday, May 28, 2007
bad attitood
i find that women behave badly with their men and watch their reactions in order to see if the men still loved them.
if he's willing to put up with shit (just enough), that means he still does. if he doesn't love her anymore then it's only natural that he won't - cannot - live down the bad attitude.
it's the same with men.
if he's willing to put up with shit (just enough), that means he still does. if he doesn't love her anymore then it's only natural that he won't - cannot - live down the bad attitude.
it's the same with men.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
words in flight
thoughts are so fleeting these days i can barely hold on to them - much less put them onto paper.
hum.
hum.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
bad skin
yes, it is the bad skin. my nose resembles a flesh-coloured strawberry with the seeds picked out. ugly as heck, and if they sold flesh fillers i'd be the first to buy it off the shelf - but they don't.
it makes me wonder how the skin can become from nice and smooth to ye olde pock-marked and leathery. is it the daily cosmetics, the toner, the scrubbing that makes it tougher? like spending some time in the sand-caressed deserts?
i wonder if it will make things easier if there were ways to make it look smoother, better, suchlike.
...i know i'll never look at a strawberry the same way again. >.<
it makes me wonder how the skin can become from nice and smooth to ye olde pock-marked and leathery. is it the daily cosmetics, the toner, the scrubbing that makes it tougher? like spending some time in the sand-caressed deserts?
i wonder if it will make things easier if there were ways to make it look smoother, better, suchlike.
...i know i'll never look at a strawberry the same way again. >.<
Sunday, May 20, 2007
the internet is another dimension
yes, the internet is another dimension; for what do you call something that can "travel between dimensions but have trouble making it across the room", to obliquely borrow the words from a certain terry pratchet?
yes, it is another dimension unto itself, but the said vessels of er, travel (transfer?) relies on metallic and/or electrical codes (read: laptops, discs, thumbdrives, whatnot). technology has very nearly become magic.
a new brand of sorcery, you think? and the only "mana" is electricity, which is harvested from the earth, still. coincides with the idea that "mana" comes from the earth.
..ya think?
yes, it is another dimension unto itself, but the said vessels of er, travel (transfer?) relies on metallic and/or electrical codes (read: laptops, discs, thumbdrives, whatnot). technology has very nearly become magic.
a new brand of sorcery, you think? and the only "mana" is electricity, which is harvested from the earth, still. coincides with the idea that "mana" comes from the earth.
..ya think?
Monday, May 14, 2007
and i miss...
for a fleeting moment, i missed a certain sam wong.
i wondered how he is, i imagined how it'd be if we'd met. would we silently acknowledge each other's presence, or would we simply let it go as that? maybe one of us would try to hold the other's gaze, but one of us would look away.
and for a fleeting moment, that fleeting moment, i was sad.
but i have my love with me, and he is the balloon that prevents me from falling into the sea. and i was free.
i wondered how he is, i imagined how it'd be if we'd met. would we silently acknowledge each other's presence, or would we simply let it go as that? maybe one of us would try to hold the other's gaze, but one of us would look away.
and for a fleeting moment, that fleeting moment, i was sad.
but i have my love with me, and he is the balloon that prevents me from falling into the sea. and i was free.
blogs and articles
some people hate blogs. they feel that a real piece of writing goes in there, shoots down questions with their answers and wraps up, neat as a pin.
some hate articles. these feel that a dry piece of writing goes in there, shoots down questions with their answers and wraps up, neat as a pin.
heh.
some people!
some hate articles. these feel that a dry piece of writing goes in there, shoots down questions with their answers and wraps up, neat as a pin.
heh.
some people!
nightmares and the truth shall set you free
nightmares remind you of the things you do not want to think about - they make it hard to think, hard to breathe. they affirm what you fear and therefore cause you to steer yourself away from that fear.
...mine was of anger, gotten from living with my mum. she'd be the most infuriating person ever; and i don't want to have to deal with that. yes, she's my mum and she brought me up - but i'm not sure i will be giving her and me more grief or that i'll be giving her "a peace of mind" knowing i will be in the room next to hers when i do come back home.
hm. living with her is probably as good as living alone - that's a mother who's there but nowhere to be found most of the time. yes, i want to support her, yes i want to take care of her but i don't think i can live with her. i think i'll feel bad when she passes on, but right now, i don't think i'll choose to live with her even if given the chance.
...mine was of anger, gotten from living with my mum. she'd be the most infuriating person ever; and i don't want to have to deal with that. yes, she's my mum and she brought me up - but i'm not sure i will be giving her and me more grief or that i'll be giving her "a peace of mind" knowing i will be in the room next to hers when i do come back home.
hm. living with her is probably as good as living alone - that's a mother who's there but nowhere to be found most of the time. yes, i want to support her, yes i want to take care of her but i don't think i can live with her. i think i'll feel bad when she passes on, but right now, i don't think i'll choose to live with her even if given the chance.
Friday, May 11, 2007
smarties have the answer!
smartypants? am i smart? am i clever?
am i ...confident; sassy; witty - all the things i want to be? (and creative?)
feh.
i may be smart but i am blind. smart means you won't walk off the cliff. blind is when you don't see the end of the damn cliff.
am i ...confident; sassy; witty - all the things i want to be? (and creative?)
feh.
i may be smart but i am blind. smart means you won't walk off the cliff. blind is when you don't see the end of the damn cliff.
faux pas
is it better to perform a faux pas and really, really remember the lesson, or to keep quiet and anonymous and take a longer time for the lesson to stick?
Thursday, May 10, 2007
eyes
this has got to be one of the best days of my life.
an old lecturer of mine called me up today, and gave me the best gift i can ever hope for - insight, insight and jobs. jobs - well, that goes without saying how it makes me happy - but the fact that he's seen me for who i was, found my talent even before i thought i was remotely close to being "good" at it.
when he first met me i was still studying - he told me "you are a writer."
and all i could do was to smile, against my raging, hammering heart upon hearing those words - how can i be a writer, when i am studying design? it must be hogwash. besides, we've only just met! how -
but those words rang true. i knew it was true.
but daren't believe it. i daren't believe it, because it was sounded too close to my dreams, too close to my secret wish to be a writer. what if, oh Lord, what if i believed him, pursued it and found that oh, holy cripes, i'm not the person he thought i was, i could be? i didn't know which was worse: disappointing him or disappointing myself and therefore my own er, destiny - for lack of a better word.
it may sound terribly dramatic to you, but there is no other way i will - can - put it to you right now.
it's not easy to know, nor to explain, but knowing someone saw what you are even before you knew what you will become - is, is - oh, for God's sakes!
i've found it! i've found it again! my passion!
for a long while i wandered about in the professional front, poking my nose into a myriad of vocations in search of a possible "use" of my good self, from design to illustration to heck, even merchandising and sales - hoping to find something that i can excel at in the belief that whatever good that must come has to be worked for, sought after, demanded for, begged, jumped through hoops for - when all this while, i've had it. i've had it, i've had it and i've had it, through and through!
all i needed was this one person who saw, who believed in me. if that's not a visionary born years ago to touch this life, i don't know what is.
so thank you, mr t, for being the person to bring this to me at this point. THANK you. because you are the "guai lan" person i know you to be, so i know i can trust without having guess at your words' meanings; because you were and are my mentor. thank you, from the core of... -cough- from the core of me.
..and that's how i know this is a path i have to take, for better or for worse. this is the feeling of satisfaction, of happiness and trust that i've been looking for, through these two years.
THANK you.
an old lecturer of mine called me up today, and gave me the best gift i can ever hope for - insight, insight and jobs. jobs - well, that goes without saying how it makes me happy - but the fact that he's seen me for who i was, found my talent even before i thought i was remotely close to being "good" at it.
when he first met me i was still studying - he told me "you are a writer."
and all i could do was to smile, against my raging, hammering heart upon hearing those words - how can i be a writer, when i am studying design? it must be hogwash. besides, we've only just met! how -
but those words rang true. i knew it was true.
but daren't believe it. i daren't believe it, because it was sounded too close to my dreams, too close to my secret wish to be a writer. what if, oh Lord, what if i believed him, pursued it and found that oh, holy cripes, i'm not the person he thought i was, i could be? i didn't know which was worse: disappointing him or disappointing myself and therefore my own er, destiny - for lack of a better word.
it may sound terribly dramatic to you, but there is no other way i will - can - put it to you right now.
it's not easy to know, nor to explain, but knowing someone saw what you are even before you knew what you will become - is, is - oh, for God's sakes!
i've found it! i've found it again! my passion!
for a long while i wandered about in the professional front, poking my nose into a myriad of vocations in search of a possible "use" of my good self, from design to illustration to heck, even merchandising and sales - hoping to find something that i can excel at in the belief that whatever good that must come has to be worked for, sought after, demanded for, begged, jumped through hoops for - when all this while, i've had it. i've had it, i've had it and i've had it, through and through!
all i needed was this one person who saw, who believed in me. if that's not a visionary born years ago to touch this life, i don't know what is.
so thank you, mr t, for being the person to bring this to me at this point. THANK you. because you are the "guai lan" person i know you to be, so i know i can trust without having guess at your words' meanings; because you were and are my mentor. thank you, from the core of... -cough- from the core of me.
..and that's how i know this is a path i have to take, for better or for worse. this is the feeling of satisfaction, of happiness and trust that i've been looking for, through these two years.
THANK you.
sometimes
sometimes it is just harder to understand what it is that makes the whole world move. i start out as a whelp two years ago, was - am - rather dumb, ignorant. and i'm thinking, maybe i've learnt something, eh? it's been some time since i last started working.
unfortunately it ain't the case.
i hang out with the people i used to hang out with, and bam! i realise i'm still the young whelp that i was. maybe because they're still many years older than i am and i am their "young friend".
so often i feel like a fish out of water because i don't quite know what to say. financial jargon, societal ineptitude - not that i am that, but because i do not know enough. it sounds like that to my ears and if i sound like that by gods they must think i am superbly ignorant!
others aren't as forgiving as my own good self am. bear that in mind.
unfortunately it ain't the case.
i hang out with the people i used to hang out with, and bam! i realise i'm still the young whelp that i was. maybe because they're still many years older than i am and i am their "young friend".
so often i feel like a fish out of water because i don't quite know what to say. financial jargon, societal ineptitude - not that i am that, but because i do not know enough. it sounds like that to my ears and if i sound like that by gods they must think i am superbly ignorant!
others aren't as forgiving as my own good self am. bear that in mind.
(fe)male bosses
sometimes it's hard working for a male: you have to deal with gender issues (sexual harassment - from previous bosses - being one of them), egos the size of mars yet show signs of bruising at the slightest puff of air, having to sweet talk your way to "approval"... it's like working for a woman (in the unpredictable sense) with some differences.
yes, those stories about having to put up with "i ain't talkin' to ya" behaviour from grown men are true. it's fortunate to say that not all men display this kind of childishness, like how not all women have a penchant for extended bouts of shopping.
it might be different working for a lady boss, though fortunately - or unfortunately - i haven't the direct chance. the closest is karen, my lady publisher. she's sweet, forthright and doesn't pull punches. genuine. i respect that.
helps that she's got very likeable manners, too. pair that up with ambition - gosh. that's who i want to be before i turn 30.
..big shoes. looks like i'll have to work hard!
yes, those stories about having to put up with "i ain't talkin' to ya" behaviour from grown men are true. it's fortunate to say that not all men display this kind of childishness, like how not all women have a penchant for extended bouts of shopping.
it might be different working for a lady boss, though fortunately - or unfortunately - i haven't the direct chance. the closest is karen, my lady publisher. she's sweet, forthright and doesn't pull punches. genuine. i respect that.
helps that she's got very likeable manners, too. pair that up with ambition - gosh. that's who i want to be before i turn 30.
..big shoes. looks like i'll have to work hard!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
leaving on a jetplane
"So kiss me and smile for me
"Tell me that you'll wait for me
"Hold me like you'll never let me go
"'cause ah'm leavin' on a jet plane
"Don't know when ah'll be back again
"Oh babe, ah hate to go
"There's so many times ah've let you down
"So many times ah've played around -bzzzzzt"
YOU PLAY AROUND AND I'LL NBCB BREAK YER WOO-WOO, YE HEAR?!
"Tell me that you'll wait for me
"Hold me like you'll never let me go
"'cause ah'm leavin' on a jet plane
"Don't know when ah'll be back again
"Oh babe, ah hate to go
"There's so many times ah've let you down
"So many times ah've played around -bzzzzzt"
YOU PLAY AROUND AND I'LL NBCB BREAK YER WOO-WOO, YE HEAR?!
Monday, May 07, 2007
pastiche
pastiche \pas-TEESH; pahs-\, noun:
1. A work of art that imitates the style of some previous work.
2. A musical, literary, or artistic composition consisting of selections from various works.
3. A hodgepodge; an incongruous combination of different styles and ingredients.
pastiche. pastiche. pastichepastiche pasteesh.
1. A work of art that imitates the style of some previous work.
2. A musical, literary, or artistic composition consisting of selections from various works.
3. A hodgepodge; an incongruous combination of different styles and ingredients.
pastiche. pastiche. pastichepastiche pasteesh.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
it makes more sense
it makes more sense to stick to this current job that i've been holding - writing, designing, with the chance to travel and then some.
yes, this is what i'm looking to go into. this will be my career.
thankfully i have a mentor here, who's been through all of those i-ain't-gonna-teach-you-squat shit. i can grow here.
niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
yes, this is what i'm looking to go into. this will be my career.
thankfully i have a mentor here, who's been through all of those i-ain't-gonna-teach-you-squat shit. i can grow here.
niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
gave it up for gold
here's a little ditty i spun, when i was bored and the words flowed.
i drank milk and i'm puking it out loud
i had pie and i smeared it all about
i had wine but 'd poured it down the hole -
i had it all but gave it up for gold
gave it up for gold
gave it up for gold
i had it all but gave it up for gold
i drank milk and i'm puking it out loud
i had pie and i smeared it all about
i had wine but 'd poured it down the hole -
i had it all but gave it up for gold
gave it up for gold
gave it up for gold
i had it all but gave it up for gold
pwned
yes i've been duly pwned.
by my boyfriend, in the love frontier. i'd wanted to walk, due to many many minute little details and the prolonged absence and our lack of communication - but he'd convinced me otherwise.
i don't usually say yes to things as such, but funnily enough, this time - i've been pwned.
by my boyfriend, in the love frontier. i'd wanted to walk, due to many many minute little details and the prolonged absence and our lack of communication - but he'd convinced me otherwise.
i don't usually say yes to things as such, but funnily enough, this time - i've been pwned.
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