please don't tease me, i dislike it.
don't start conversations with 'where are you' and 'who are you with' - there are so many other questions that get the same answer, and so much more pleasant; i'd hate to have another mother/father who desires to know where i am, who i'm with etc etc wtf.
please also do not ask me 'do you know who i am' - it gets my hackles up and i really really would say nasty things, especially if you are being coy with me over sms. you either tell me or you don't tell me. please don't have me guess.
i won't care to know who you are if you're asking me that question, especially if you had just gotten yourself a funky new number, or, better yet, 'privatised' your number. i'll be sorry once i find out who you are but it won't be before i tell you to stick your face where bobbafat's sun won't shine.
acquaintances who ask me 'how old do you think i am' in response to my asking 'how old are you' make me laugh and shake my head: that's vanity and i know it. worse, it might well be insecurity.
and before you even ask me, yes it shows.
i'm sorry if i sound harsh when you tease, if you tease. but should you tease, that's how i will respond. it's like tickling a person who doesn't like to be tickled: you get hit.
wen should know.
but seriously. please don't tease me. especially if you're close. you're deliberately doing something that i do not enjoy. i won't be able to find it in myself to do anything to you but i won't enjoy not doing so neither.
but before you mistake me for being humourless, there is a distinct difference between good-natured joking and ill-mannered teasing. the former has both parties laughing it off while the latter may not be funny. it's not that i don't have a sense of humour; it's that our humour styles may not match.
and if i were to have done anything to piss you off, speak up. especially if you are close. shying away from so-called confrontation only to bear a grudge is quite silly. i've lost friends like that.
but truth be told, if i can lose someone like that it's no loss of mine. i speak up when i think something's not right and i do expect the same. tell me if i'd offended you so i know what it is exactly that i'd said that hurt you. harbouring resentment is just like storing cellulite: ugly.
it does nobody good; the one carrying the cellulite feels like a fruit while the people who see the cellulite get optical-burn.
speaking up is preferrable for sometimes i don't mean it that way and i probably wasn't referring to 'you'.
if i were, i'm sure you would know. and if my words were indeed more inclined to be read another way i would explain myself, and apologise, too, for the unnecessary angst i'd caused, if any. that's assuming my easily-misread words were brought to my attention, of course.
..as for the audacity to say that if i lost someone due to one side's not speaking up that in turn led to the drift-apart: speaking up more often than not requires effort. because it will need time and sometimes comes along with anxiety in broaching the subject followed by the possibly-explosive discussion that may follow, assuming thoughts of being seen as 'trouble-seeking', 'angsty', 'confrontational' or even 'immature' has never crossed your mind before you even start.
for friends who speak up, kudos and my personal thanks to you; you have my respect since the day we traded meaningful words. i recognise that you are brave and you value and respect me as much as i value and respect you. i'm glad to have you in my life, i'm glad we both know that fights only mean that we know more about each other.
for friends who didn't, i hope those matters are small and are forgotten. i probably wouldn't have noticed if i hadn't said anything about it. i would ask if anything's wrong if i sense something's not quite right. if i didn't, i might've missed it altogether. similarly, i would let the topic go if i were to ask and you were to tell me it doesn't matter.
i would of course, ask further if you were to tell me 'it's alright' only to throw funky tantrums at me. i would naturally try not bear the brunt of the 'mood', especially if you tell me 'it's okay' or 'i'm alright' or 'nothing's wrong'.
if you're 'fine' and you're behaving that way then you're just hard to be with. in which case i'd be most glad to walk my self somewhere else and enjoy the scenery there. there's hardly anyone forcing anyone else to spend time together, is there?
...if i did miss my being abrasive/insensitive/whatnot entirely and it's making you feel like the friendship's not worth your while, tell me what's wrong. at least give me a chance at understanding what's going on and maybe try to clear the misunderstanding, if any. i think if you can sincerely call me 'friend' as i can similarly hail you as such, we both deserve that crucial discussion to clear the air.
i'd hate to lose people i'd been through life's lessons with because of misunderstandings.
but if it hasn't mattered to you to start with, by all means, leave the matter be. i'd much rather spend my time and efforts on those who i care about and who reciprocate it. i don't presume to try to crack a nut that doesn't want to be cracked.
like someone said, 'you can only make yourself as lovable as you can be, whether the other chooses to love you is their decision to make'. similarly, i can only offer to be there for you. whether or not you will have my presence about really depends on you.
i'm sorry i'm bad at keeping in touch. i don't call people. not because i don't think of you but because there's the damn email that doesn't cost a thing. i'm also sorry about being bad at remembering birthdays. i feel bad forgetting as well. if i had forgotten yours, i'm sorry. but that's what birthday reminders.com is for, no?
of all the people i know, i only know 6 peoples' birthdays by heart. 2 because they share the same birthday and it happens to fall on sept 11; one because it's on 15th april, one because it's 2 days before mine and another because it's one day after. the last one belongs to my most-recent ex: his birthday's on the 30th march.
but seriously.. i try to remember, yes, but most of the time i only remember the rough date (read: month) which i'm pretty good at. having said that, i thoroughly won't mean it if i were to forget your birthday, i would plan cakes and presents if i were to, or at least send a birthday card or give you a call. suffice to say, there would be indication that i remember.
if i were to blithely forget, please forgive me, i don't mean to. thus, it is almost always a good idea to gently remind me that you're birthday is around the corner.
i'll be sure to bring you something. :) with that, i end my rather awkward piece that i would otherwise polish if it were a holier time than now.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Friday, May 27, 2005
perfume
i wonder, do all girls smell nice?
why do men like to tell me i smell nice? it's not like i spray perfume on me. i use shampoo like everybody else. and macam you can smell just by standing right beside me lor. if jasmine were to read this she's say she'd faint from the bo, wherever that came from.
is it a line men use, because they can't say 'you're good-looking' or 'you're [this]' or 'you're [that]'?
nothing else to say arh? 'you smell nice'.
geebus.
why do men like to tell me i smell nice? it's not like i spray perfume on me. i use shampoo like everybody else. and macam you can smell just by standing right beside me lor. if jasmine were to read this she's say she'd faint from the bo, wherever that came from.
is it a line men use, because they can't say 'you're good-looking' or 'you're [this]' or 'you're [that]'?
nothing else to say arh? 'you smell nice'.
geebus.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
the gifts.
as i found out, the first gift came from a friend whom i hadn't heard from for quite some time.
he was the one to invite me to write a script for a play for him. he had just graduated from theatre school - and i'm one of those he had invited to write. suitably, i had gone through some of life's little dramas of friendship, love, and self-seclusion due to societal fatigue. it was timely, that call to meet and discuss the script, and in that was a gift.
it gave me a direction again, like an arrow from nowhere to point me that-a-way after i'd been tramping in the mud in the metaphorical moonless night. and there it is. i realise now that all that 'turmoil' is to prepare me for something. to come to a conclusion by myself, maybe, or maybe this is to allow me to reach out to people, who might be in need of this bit of advice or experience.
maybe.. this 'turmoil' is for someone i don't know. like i'd told a certain someone back then, 'why don't you write something? maybe you'll save someone.'
'maybe you'll save me.'
maybe, just maybe, this is my turn to help someone else out.
and nope, that person isn't the one i was supposed to meet.
the second gift came from the one i was supposed to meet... he saw me and promptly pulled out a tee-shirt that says 'university of terrorism [new line]fort benning, georgia'. it was for paintball sessions.
and since i know for a fact that he's going to pass me something, i realised that i was rather anxious about what it might be only after he handed me that shirt. seriously, there was a sigh of relief. (bet you didn't realise gifts can be so exciting!)
but i knew there had to be something else. something more significant. don't ask me how i knew i just did. and the shirt's not it.
guess it was to relax me lah hahaha! whomever said God doesn't have a sense of humour must've been worshipping the wrong one.
it became apparent only later.. this friend of mine's a follower of the Lord, he's told me about his wife, his job and the prayers that he had gone through to get to this and how he knew it was meant for him. through his narrations i had gotten the answers to the questions i asked my Lord.
yes, i understand. i will be patient. thank you for your guidance Father, i will keep them in mind.
..on another vein altogether, just WHAT is it about me and men who are inadvertently married/about to get married? somehow or other they try to get close. REAL close. and i swear i hadn't given signals. if they were given unconsciously, i can't say much but i swear i hadn't given any conscious signs whatsoever.
am i predestined to be The Other Charbor? aiyerrr. very stress one leh. The Woman Who Got There First is not The Woman To Be Trifled With.
i know, because i am A Woman. :P
he was the one to invite me to write a script for a play for him. he had just graduated from theatre school - and i'm one of those he had invited to write. suitably, i had gone through some of life's little dramas of friendship, love, and self-seclusion due to societal fatigue. it was timely, that call to meet and discuss the script, and in that was a gift.
it gave me a direction again, like an arrow from nowhere to point me that-a-way after i'd been tramping in the mud in the metaphorical moonless night. and there it is. i realise now that all that 'turmoil' is to prepare me for something. to come to a conclusion by myself, maybe, or maybe this is to allow me to reach out to people, who might be in need of this bit of advice or experience.
maybe.. this 'turmoil' is for someone i don't know. like i'd told a certain someone back then, 'why don't you write something? maybe you'll save someone.'
'maybe you'll save me.'
maybe, just maybe, this is my turn to help someone else out.
and nope, that person isn't the one i was supposed to meet.
the second gift came from the one i was supposed to meet... he saw me and promptly pulled out a tee-shirt that says 'university of terrorism [new line]fort benning, georgia'. it was for paintball sessions.
and since i know for a fact that he's going to pass me something, i realised that i was rather anxious about what it might be only after he handed me that shirt. seriously, there was a sigh of relief. (bet you didn't realise gifts can be so exciting!)
but i knew there had to be something else. something more significant. don't ask me how i knew i just did. and the shirt's not it.
guess it was to relax me lah hahaha! whomever said God doesn't have a sense of humour must've been worshipping the wrong one.
it became apparent only later.. this friend of mine's a follower of the Lord, he's told me about his wife, his job and the prayers that he had gone through to get to this and how he knew it was meant for him. through his narrations i had gotten the answers to the questions i asked my Lord.
yes, i understand. i will be patient. thank you for your guidance Father, i will keep them in mind.
..on another vein altogether, just WHAT is it about me and men who are inadvertently married/about to get married? somehow or other they try to get close. REAL close. and i swear i hadn't given signals. if they were given unconsciously, i can't say much but i swear i hadn't given any conscious signs whatsoever.
am i predestined to be The Other Charbor? aiyerrr. very stress one leh. The Woman Who Got There First is not The Woman To Be Trifled With.
i know, because i am A Woman. :P
picked
it's a wonder how people go to these sites to get their brains picked.
even by going to therapists.
but then i suppose.. sometimes we all need a little external help. :) we all do.
even by going to therapists.
but then i suppose.. sometimes we all need a little external help. :) we all do.
poor green crayon me
You are |
 |
ho this is rich!
Your Deadly Sins |
Gluttony: 80% |
Envy: 20% |
Greed: 20% |
Lust: 20% |
Sloth: 20% |
Pride: 0% |
Wrath: 0% |
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 23% |
You'll die choking on a cookie in bed. |
wahahahaa! this is fun!
What You Really Think Of Your Friends |
Me is your soulmate. |
| You truly love Jen. |
| You consider Su your true friend. |
| You know that Me is always thinking of you. |
| You'll remember Me for the rest of your life. |
| You secretly think No One Yet is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times. |
| You secretly think that Weaver is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker. |
| You secretly think that Mark is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Mark Wang changes lovers faster than underwear. |
| You secretly think Mum is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Mum has a hidden internet romance. |
ooh check this out, now.
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. |
Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
what is your name, give me a sign. tell me that you're a gemini (ooh baybee)
'A friend is about to prove just how valuable -- no, how priceless -- they are. Without you having to ask, they'll provide you with the one thing you really, really need.'
that's what my horoscope reads today.
i'm meeting up with a friend of mine who doesn't usually asks for meet-ups. and by the looks of things he is going to be passing me something. i'm pretty sure of it...
(come on. what're the chances of someone leaving the country for good - that is, to marry - and asking you for dinner suddenly and it's just the two of you and when he says 'it won't take long' - ? other than the suggestion for dubious acts, i'm pretty sure he's got something to hand to me. i just don't know what)
but if it's anything it'll be food. :D he's buying dinner. hawhawhaw
..but what if he's giving me a book on social etiquette or 'how to save money' or even condoms??? or if he presumes to give me cosmetics... i'd rather die. or, maybe, a book titled 'ethics'.
horrors! now i'll have TWO books on ethics.
that's what my horoscope reads today.
i'm meeting up with a friend of mine who doesn't usually asks for meet-ups. and by the looks of things he is going to be passing me something. i'm pretty sure of it...
(come on. what're the chances of someone leaving the country for good - that is, to marry - and asking you for dinner suddenly and it's just the two of you and when he says 'it won't take long' - ? other than the suggestion for dubious acts, i'm pretty sure he's got something to hand to me. i just don't know what)
but if it's anything it'll be food. :D he's buying dinner. hawhawhaw
..but what if he's giving me a book on social etiquette or 'how to save money' or even condoms??? or if he presumes to give me cosmetics... i'd rather die. or, maybe, a book titled 'ethics'.
horrors! now i'll have TWO books on ethics.
Monday, May 23, 2005
lack of social grace
i am lacking in social graces. therefore i tend to be quiet.
but does keeping my peace mean i'm less gracious, or do not think the way i'll speak?
and i play the charming recluse, once again.
and what's a charming recluse, you may ask. well: i'll be charming if you can find me.
but does keeping my peace mean i'm less gracious, or do not think the way i'll speak?
and i play the charming recluse, once again.
and what's a charming recluse, you may ask. well: i'll be charming if you can find me.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
please don't...
please don't tell me i'm beautiful; i look into the mirror everyday and i know what i see.
please don't tell me i'm sexy, it makes me very uncomfortable in that mini. just tell me i'm pretty, and i'll say thanks.
please don't take me to parties, i know i can hold my own but i have my own parties to go to. especially if i'm not 'legitimate'. 'yet' is a non-issue. i'm not legit. give it up. vengeful women aren't fun. i know: i'm one.
please don't call me to ask me what i'm doing, you're not supposed to be thinking of me. out of sight, out of mind. see?
please don't feel the need to talk or make conversation when you have nothing to say. the silence can be beautiful and talk can be cheap.
please don't try too hard to impress: everybody appreciates subtlety. trust me, the feeling of over-compensation is baaad.
please don't fall too deep for me, you might not be able to save yourself and i can be cruel.
please don't tell me you love me, i'm not ready, and i don't love you.
please don't tell me i'm sexy, it makes me very uncomfortable in that mini. just tell me i'm pretty, and i'll say thanks.
please don't take me to parties, i know i can hold my own but i have my own parties to go to. especially if i'm not 'legitimate'. 'yet' is a non-issue. i'm not legit. give it up. vengeful women aren't fun. i know: i'm one.
please don't call me to ask me what i'm doing, you're not supposed to be thinking of me. out of sight, out of mind. see?
please don't feel the need to talk or make conversation when you have nothing to say. the silence can be beautiful and talk can be cheap.
please don't try too hard to impress: everybody appreciates subtlety. trust me, the feeling of over-compensation is baaad.
please don't fall too deep for me, you might not be able to save yourself and i can be cruel.
please don't tell me you love me, i'm not ready, and i don't love you.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
monies
hate it when it's low. wish i were the mollycoddled child of some hotel mogul.
bah.
headed for interview tomorrow. hope this works.
bah.
headed for interview tomorrow. hope this works.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
fly me to the moon
Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me
Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me
Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you
Monday, May 16, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
eating dinner alone today
and so i ate dinner alone.
doesn't feel bad, doesn't feel good. makes things functional.
hehh.
doesn't feel bad, doesn't feel good. makes things functional.
hehh.
extrication
i suppose i had never really fit into the scheme of things. fashion and pretty bags? mm.
real talk, the meaningful kind? only if there's a similarity in wavelength.
someone said, there's no real need for understanding; does it matter if we have a great time?
yes, it does, to a certain extent. i don't know about what you value but i can get 'a good time' with pretty much strangers. it's the understanding that's hard to come by, don't you think?
why do i need to play musical chairs with my group of four? to avoid sitting right beside someone who i know will rub me wrong and me doing likewise to her? better to save the chagrin.
why, when we're seated altogether i don't get asked for 'that rouge event' when the other two did, amongst other things, like being called 'a china girl' which she associated with rudeness, which she 'doesn't like'? a 'nationalist' speaking, or is she simply retaliating to my flippantly calling her an ah lian?
laugh it off, for god's sakes! or do i have to polish your toenails for you and lick them in the process?
and i thought we'd grown out of this 'competition', this 'dislike' for each other. heh. i thought we understood that we insult each other tongue-in-cheek, especially after graduation.
apparently not. insult me, i'm used to that. but attitude..? i'll pass, thanks.
if we were to be fighting the entire journey from then till now, what're there to it at the very bottom?
even when you're supposedly pampering me when i've 'nothing to eat' you somehow seem to expect more than a heartfelt 'thank you'.
what is it that you want? 'oh you're so purty with your nice purple singlet top, marry me'?
if you're going to give me branded chocolate chip cookies and candies with strings attached, keep them. it hasn't happened just once sweetie pie. i don't believe i had said anything wrong (though granted this time i was heavier with the stings, which i'll readily apologise for when you're ready to hear them) - especially if those times what i had said were 'hi' and 'mm you look nice'.
retort: 'is that all you can say?'
wanting to ask why is not allowed, too. so just take it lah? because i took your cookies. wah.
why would i want to tell you more anyway, if i want to keep my thoughts of your figure to myself, princess.
i know you won't like to hear them, however much i assure you i like you more that way. i'm sorry i don't click with you the way another does, i'm sorry that i haven't enough grace to spare to have you 'like me more' - i'm still in essence a rough me, not the polished persons you tend to look for.
...even if i were to be polished - it'd still be the ole familiar 'ho su-skeleton-san' approach as always.
it's the way i've come to know and love you. but sometimes love just ain't enough, eh? for while i understand that, i don't suppose we're of the same view. while i can accept that you tend to get offensive with me, you can't seem to get the same.
laugh it off lah. sitting with you is stressful because you takes things too hard. it's scary sometimes when i'm smiling to myself about your barbs and thinking of comebacks and you seem so worked up. we'd been through this before, haven't we, albeit wordlessly? we had managed to insult each other and not take each other too seriously. have you forgotten those times?
maybe you'd think that i don't like you. you're right. like and love aren't the same. while i love you and would do much for you, i'd hate to spend time with you as of now, and in the future too, if this keeps up. don't ask me how, it just is.
as for the rest... i understand the evening was supposed to be nice. i'm sorry i left and couldn't participate in whatever yak you had. but even if i did stay would i have been able to do so?
better to have one leave and you all have a good time instead of having all together and have a tense evening, no?
i'm glad it worked out in the end. :)
...while i'll still put in an arm and a leg for you, i guess it's time to take a break from it all.
i'm tired of tentatively being myself and then pissing someone off then fighting and having to have jenn be the middle person again.
it makes things easier to minus myself from the equation and put myself elsewhere. saves trouble saves time. you're easier to spend time with in this case. i'm better for 'shut-the-fuck-up-and-watch-the-rain' kinda companionship while you're more worldly 'lim-kopi-talk-about-fashion-and-future' kind. i'm good for break-ups and you're good for living. -grin-
we complement each other, you know that? but maybe like a certain someone i loved we complemented each other so well we can hardly stand each other. heh. heh heh heh.
complementing one another also means we're quite the opposite, doesn't it. just a positive way of saying 'you're different'.
...thank you, jenn, for the pint. i know i flaunted it: huge glass. thanks, too, jas, for being graceful. you people enjoy.
will buy drinks if we meet again.
real talk, the meaningful kind? only if there's a similarity in wavelength.
someone said, there's no real need for understanding; does it matter if we have a great time?
yes, it does, to a certain extent. i don't know about what you value but i can get 'a good time' with pretty much strangers. it's the understanding that's hard to come by, don't you think?
why do i need to play musical chairs with my group of four? to avoid sitting right beside someone who i know will rub me wrong and me doing likewise to her? better to save the chagrin.
why, when we're seated altogether i don't get asked for 'that rouge event' when the other two did, amongst other things, like being called 'a china girl' which she associated with rudeness, which she 'doesn't like'? a 'nationalist' speaking, or is she simply retaliating to my flippantly calling her an ah lian?
laugh it off, for god's sakes! or do i have to polish your toenails for you and lick them in the process?
and i thought we'd grown out of this 'competition', this 'dislike' for each other. heh. i thought we understood that we insult each other tongue-in-cheek, especially after graduation.
apparently not. insult me, i'm used to that. but attitude..? i'll pass, thanks.
if we were to be fighting the entire journey from then till now, what're there to it at the very bottom?
even when you're supposedly pampering me when i've 'nothing to eat' you somehow seem to expect more than a heartfelt 'thank you'.
what is it that you want? 'oh you're so purty with your nice purple singlet top, marry me'?
if you're going to give me branded chocolate chip cookies and candies with strings attached, keep them. it hasn't happened just once sweetie pie. i don't believe i had said anything wrong (though granted this time i was heavier with the stings, which i'll readily apologise for when you're ready to hear them) - especially if those times what i had said were 'hi' and 'mm you look nice'.
retort: 'is that all you can say?'
wanting to ask why is not allowed, too. so just take it lah? because i took your cookies. wah.
why would i want to tell you more anyway, if i want to keep my thoughts of your figure to myself, princess.
i know you won't like to hear them, however much i assure you i like you more that way. i'm sorry i don't click with you the way another does, i'm sorry that i haven't enough grace to spare to have you 'like me more' - i'm still in essence a rough me, not the polished persons you tend to look for.
...even if i were to be polished - it'd still be the ole familiar 'ho su-skeleton-san' approach as always.
it's the way i've come to know and love you. but sometimes love just ain't enough, eh? for while i understand that, i don't suppose we're of the same view. while i can accept that you tend to get offensive with me, you can't seem to get the same.
laugh it off lah. sitting with you is stressful because you takes things too hard. it's scary sometimes when i'm smiling to myself about your barbs and thinking of comebacks and you seem so worked up. we'd been through this before, haven't we, albeit wordlessly? we had managed to insult each other and not take each other too seriously. have you forgotten those times?
maybe you'd think that i don't like you. you're right. like and love aren't the same. while i love you and would do much for you, i'd hate to spend time with you as of now, and in the future too, if this keeps up. don't ask me how, it just is.
as for the rest... i understand the evening was supposed to be nice. i'm sorry i left and couldn't participate in whatever yak you had. but even if i did stay would i have been able to do so?
better to have one leave and you all have a good time instead of having all together and have a tense evening, no?
i'm glad it worked out in the end. :)
...while i'll still put in an arm and a leg for you, i guess it's time to take a break from it all.
i'm tired of tentatively being myself and then pissing someone off then fighting and having to have jenn be the middle person again.
it makes things easier to minus myself from the equation and put myself elsewhere. saves trouble saves time. you're easier to spend time with in this case. i'm better for 'shut-the-fuck-up-and-watch-the-rain' kinda companionship while you're more worldly 'lim-kopi-talk-about-fashion-and-future' kind. i'm good for break-ups and you're good for living. -grin-
we complement each other, you know that? but maybe like a certain someone i loved we complemented each other so well we can hardly stand each other. heh. heh heh heh.
complementing one another also means we're quite the opposite, doesn't it. just a positive way of saying 'you're different'.
...thank you, jenn, for the pint. i know i flaunted it: huge glass. thanks, too, jas, for being graceful. you people enjoy.
will buy drinks if we meet again.
i didn't realise that when i ask 'what's changed' nothing really has.
..
and in the end it's just the time and place and 'not kiddy quarrels' anymore.
but then the fights we had did look serious, as well. haha
we might as well be in pinafores again. ..only difference is one of us has lost weight.
and in the end it's just the time and place and 'not kiddy quarrels' anymore.
but then the fights we had did look serious, as well. haha
we might as well be in pinafores again. ..only difference is one of us has lost weight.
Friday, May 13, 2005
midtropicalnight's drama. bah.
i speak to the world outside of the glass wall
i see you but do you hear me
are you listening
if you do hear will you smile and say 'how do you do'
i reach out and i know you see
am i still a child you perceive me to be
or am i no longer innocent but ignorant
for the rules i thought i knew but didn't
i see logic in abstract
you know the world in facts
how do we smile at each other as we do
isn't that fascinating
i like you, too
but we don't have to agree
for i love you for all your un-understandable rationality
and you adore me through my idiosyncrasies
i miss the one friend overseas
i miss the ones sitting right by me
perhaps he's right
'who am i', 'i don't belong'
emotional insecurity?
bah. tentative romantic sensitivity.
but somehow, still, you make me feel safe
when i'm trying to be brave
..i think i'd been poisoned by cynicism
brought about by misguided altruism
completely wise but thoroughly stupid
aye, that's me
incomplete sentences
drawn into prose
without seeming meaning
so.. have you read love or did you see woes
i see you but do you hear me
are you listening
if you do hear will you smile and say 'how do you do'
i reach out and i know you see
am i still a child you perceive me to be
or am i no longer innocent but ignorant
for the rules i thought i knew but didn't
i see logic in abstract
you know the world in facts
how do we smile at each other as we do
isn't that fascinating
i like you, too
but we don't have to agree
for i love you for all your un-understandable rationality
and you adore me through my idiosyncrasies
i miss the one friend overseas
i miss the ones sitting right by me
perhaps he's right
'who am i', 'i don't belong'
emotional insecurity?
bah. tentative romantic sensitivity.
but somehow, still, you make me feel safe
when i'm trying to be brave
..i think i'd been poisoned by cynicism
brought about by misguided altruism
completely wise but thoroughly stupid
aye, that's me
incomplete sentences
drawn into prose
without seeming meaning
so.. have you read love or did you see woes
Thursday, May 12, 2005
it's time to grow up, sweet baby
it's time to grow up, isn't it.
22. time to take responsibility. heck, even before you're 22 you have to, as i found out. the world doesn't just consist of me, aye?
there's the loveliest man i know, the most wonderful friends i have, the acquaintances i barely know, the family i hardly see -- and the past that just won't stay dead.
have i told you i'm a sailor's daughter? yes, that's me. the kind of pirate that travels the seven seas with a wife in every port. aye, that's my father. and why'm i a girl, he asked. i don't know. i seem to have his traits in me. that's why i've hairy legs, i think.
i even have the 'someone after my blood' kinda scenario. threats and bloody insults. petty by a pirate's standards but i'm no pirate.
my dad is. the romantic kind.
...saying goodbye isn't all that easy sometimes, when you've spotted a gem. maybe that gem's predeterminedly 'not yours'. maybe even when you hadn't held it that long you had coveted that gem.
no, goodbye isn't easy.
without siblings, i am. elder sister's very nearly a stillborn, younger brother was miscarried. what do i know about loneliness? if someone left i'd simply wave goodbye and continue having a good time by myself. i hardly understood companionship, until a couple of years back. i knew it in the form of friendship, then.
i believe that was when i met a certain missy heng. :)
then i began to discover other people about me who are also companions. those who didn't and don't mind my being 'too weak to cry and too strong to suicide', those who loved and still love my daring to be me and then running away crying when i hit a wall, only to come back two minutes later yelling the same warcry i had yelled some ten minutes before.
'but what about love?' some voice asks.
'are you to be a sailor's wife, too?'
mm. no. i'm never going to get married. i'd be firstmate. not pregnant.
the sky will be my man, the land will be my child. if i ever find it in myself to become a real sailor i'll make sure i start sprouting a beard and own two shotguns. then the sea will be ma bitch.
but for all of my late understanding of what loneliness and loss is, goodbyes aren't easy, not when you're the gem that i begin to covet. and i thought i'd been hardened since childhood.
ha.
i'd savoured that last wait for the taxicab along the tree-lined street you live at. the comical slapping away of insects around that time of day, still looking out for the cab for me, looking like a little boy for all your life's experiences and years you'd lived and the places you'd been to and the people you'd met; looking like a little boy who fits so very well in my arms.
i guess in the short time we had, i'd loved you.
there's a song that goes - 'loving you, is easy 'cause you're beautiful'. you're like that, you know?
...you helped me get over someone, now i've to get over you. and i'll do it myself this time.
i have to grow up, haven't i?
----------
i'm a big big girl in a big big world
it's not a big big thing if you leave me
but i do feel i will
miss you much
22. time to take responsibility. heck, even before you're 22 you have to, as i found out. the world doesn't just consist of me, aye?
there's the loveliest man i know, the most wonderful friends i have, the acquaintances i barely know, the family i hardly see -- and the past that just won't stay dead.
have i told you i'm a sailor's daughter? yes, that's me. the kind of pirate that travels the seven seas with a wife in every port. aye, that's my father. and why'm i a girl, he asked. i don't know. i seem to have his traits in me. that's why i've hairy legs, i think.
i even have the 'someone after my blood' kinda scenario. threats and bloody insults. petty by a pirate's standards but i'm no pirate.
my dad is. the romantic kind.
...saying goodbye isn't all that easy sometimes, when you've spotted a gem. maybe that gem's predeterminedly 'not yours'. maybe even when you hadn't held it that long you had coveted that gem.
no, goodbye isn't easy.
without siblings, i am. elder sister's very nearly a stillborn, younger brother was miscarried. what do i know about loneliness? if someone left i'd simply wave goodbye and continue having a good time by myself. i hardly understood companionship, until a couple of years back. i knew it in the form of friendship, then.
i believe that was when i met a certain missy heng. :)
then i began to discover other people about me who are also companions. those who didn't and don't mind my being 'too weak to cry and too strong to suicide', those who loved and still love my daring to be me and then running away crying when i hit a wall, only to come back two minutes later yelling the same warcry i had yelled some ten minutes before.
'but what about love?' some voice asks.
'are you to be a sailor's wife, too?'
mm. no. i'm never going to get married. i'd be firstmate. not pregnant.
the sky will be my man, the land will be my child. if i ever find it in myself to become a real sailor i'll make sure i start sprouting a beard and own two shotguns. then the sea will be ma bitch.
but for all of my late understanding of what loneliness and loss is, goodbyes aren't easy, not when you're the gem that i begin to covet. and i thought i'd been hardened since childhood.
ha.
i'd savoured that last wait for the taxicab along the tree-lined street you live at. the comical slapping away of insects around that time of day, still looking out for the cab for me, looking like a little boy for all your life's experiences and years you'd lived and the places you'd been to and the people you'd met; looking like a little boy who fits so very well in my arms.
i guess in the short time we had, i'd loved you.
there's a song that goes - 'loving you, is easy 'cause you're beautiful'. you're like that, you know?
...you helped me get over someone, now i've to get over you. and i'll do it myself this time.
i have to grow up, haven't i?
----------
i'm a big big girl in a big big world
it's not a big big thing if you leave me
but i do feel i will
miss you much
so sorry
i'm sorry simony, for the self-justified temper i had when his name was mentioned, my past brought up.
you didn't deserve that. she's still plaguing me about it. it wasn't fair that she had even spoken to you about it, you should've never been in this kind of situation, possibly should've never gotten together with me.
i'm so sorry sweetie baby, for the hard times you went through because of me. you didn't deserve that. i wish i could've given you something sweeter, something more. guess the best was i knew how.. wasn't good enough.
best wishes, now.
you didn't deserve that. she's still plaguing me about it. it wasn't fair that she had even spoken to you about it, you should've never been in this kind of situation, possibly should've never gotten together with me.
i'm so sorry sweetie baby, for the hard times you went through because of me. you didn't deserve that. i wish i could've given you something sweeter, something more. guess the best was i knew how.. wasn't good enough.
best wishes, now.
i can only try
i'm 22.
i don't presume to know it all. i do things because i think they're right, if not then at least 'alright'. if you asked me why i did something i will have a reason rather than an 'i don't know'. whether my reasons are right or wrong in your eyes, is entirely a different story altogether.
i don't presume to 'be' matured. i can only try. i may sound matured, the things i do may not be. because i can only try to be. maybe i am truly wise but thoroughly stupid. is there reason for stupidity?
inexperience, i guess. not knowing that giving people the benefit of the doubt can suddenly be a 'wrong'. not knowing that it doesn't matter and having lost something precious.
i take the step i'm not right and if i did i'm wrong. is there a way out? do i see the light coming from between the grills?
two hands to clap, aye. if i'm one who's the other?
i don't presume to know it all. i do things because i think they're right, if not then at least 'alright'. if you asked me why i did something i will have a reason rather than an 'i don't know'. whether my reasons are right or wrong in your eyes, is entirely a different story altogether.
i don't presume to 'be' matured. i can only try. i may sound matured, the things i do may not be. because i can only try to be. maybe i am truly wise but thoroughly stupid. is there reason for stupidity?
inexperience, i guess. not knowing that giving people the benefit of the doubt can suddenly be a 'wrong'. not knowing that it doesn't matter and having lost something precious.
i take the step i'm not right and if i did i'm wrong. is there a way out? do i see the light coming from between the grills?
two hands to clap, aye. if i'm one who's the other?
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
so tired
and finally i have nothing more to say.
so, so tired; so, so blase.
somehow content but somehow dissatisfied. almost like the beginnings of an itch i can't even begin to locate. life's so full of things to do, places to go, people to meet. i have a full life, like i had before i met a certain someone and stayed a year with him. life's returning, thankfully. now i have something more.
it'd be perfect now to find a job that takes my mind 24/7. :) with something i love, hopefully. art gallery, if things go well. female environment, the ad said. no more morons interviewing me. ..even if they were at least the issue wouldn't be trying to 'get to know me'.
no shortage of humans on earth, and certainly no shortage of wonderful people - my kind of wonderful people. one wonderfully lovely man in my arms right now - now time to gently separate us both. and this is the path i take.
so, so tired; so, so blase.
somehow content but somehow dissatisfied. almost like the beginnings of an itch i can't even begin to locate. life's so full of things to do, places to go, people to meet. i have a full life, like i had before i met a certain someone and stayed a year with him. life's returning, thankfully. now i have something more.
it'd be perfect now to find a job that takes my mind 24/7. :) with something i love, hopefully. art gallery, if things go well. female environment, the ad said. no more morons interviewing me. ..even if they were at least the issue wouldn't be trying to 'get to know me'.
no shortage of humans on earth, and certainly no shortage of wonderful people - my kind of wonderful people. one wonderfully lovely man in my arms right now - now time to gently separate us both. and this is the path i take.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
in fatuation with an impossible man
smart, literally tall dark and handsome (alright not so handsome but attractive all the same) this time - charming as hell and bloody well-formed in terms of physique.
tasted once, savoured twice.
mmm. yes.
tasted once, savoured twice.
mmm. yes.
one kind.
went for the interviews all upbeat and such.
blardee hell the interviewers both seemed more interested in me than in getting me jobs.
and i was dressed decently, beat that!
i sure as hell wasn't sending out any signals. must be the sex i had before i went.....
but i'm not kidding about the more interested in me than getting me a job bit.
blardee hell the interviewers both seemed more interested in me than in getting me jobs.
and i was dressed decently, beat that!
i sure as hell wasn't sending out any signals. must be the sex i had before i went.....
but i'm not kidding about the more interested in me than getting me a job bit.
Monday, May 09, 2005
he's just not that into you. you know i'm talking to you.
i read a book somewhere, by the same author who created sex and the city - the book consists of questions, millions of questions - women post about men.
why don't they call when they said they would?
why won't they pick you up?
why won't they dress up anymore?
why can't he open the door for me?
why doesn't he give me flowers?
why...?
and there's just one answer to each and every one of them.
he's just not that into you.
why then, doesn't he tell me? don't i deserve better? isn't it courtesy?
yes you deserve better and yes it's just courtesy. ..but babe, he ain't that into you to want to explain.
he just ain't that into you.
wise up and run already...
why don't they call when they said they would?
why won't they pick you up?
why won't they dress up anymore?
why can't he open the door for me?
why doesn't he give me flowers?
why...?
and there's just one answer to each and every one of them.
he's just not that into you.
why then, doesn't he tell me? don't i deserve better? isn't it courtesy?
yes you deserve better and yes it's just courtesy. ..but babe, he ain't that into you to want to explain.
he just ain't that into you.
wise up and run already...
Sunday, May 08, 2005
on paintballs and writing
hola!
i've just had the most amazing weekend!
the week ended with rather successful interviews on friday (second interviews come monday! yay!) after a most pleasant friend dropped by to visit and the weekend started with yet another successful interview on saturday - followed by lotr (yes, lord of them rings) games run by this dungeon master (DM) who delivers awesome sound effects and imagery who, incidentally, packs a flying punch on the xbox as well.
the bunch of us played through to the wee hours of sunday morning and hit the sack, only to gather again at noon today (sunday) to bloom each others' asses with paintballs.
WOOOOOOO YEAH paintball wars!
it's a sexy game i tell you! sexy because it's dangerous and the urban men you thought only capable of making kills on the computer screen can ALSO paint yer pretty corpse orange yellow purple and black with them paintball guns.
suddenly these 'slow-moving singapolean males' become war machines - an aspect i only heard tales about (mostly involving the words 'army' and 'camp' which, in essence, mean the same thing: hell). what an eye-opener!
...you can say that my perception of local guys upped several notches.
and ye gods, the paintballs hurt! each hit you get will earn you a bruise on top of a welt that you'll only feel 3 seconds after you're hit. i know, i got hit once or twice... but that's because i'm a coward and kept faaar faaaaaar away from the front line. i would've been cheerfully pelted with paintballs by the opposing team if i dared venture as close as my male counterparts did... but then i would've served a bigger share of bruised body parts to the other side if i had dared, too. :/
one of us had the misfortune to get bloody THWACKED right under the arm within three meters' range - he got a bruise the size of my fist that's purple on the outside and bright pink on the inside, which he took -hong kong accent- like a MAN. hats off to that one!
what happened on the field there looked like some reality show ..and i'm sure you people would have noticed that in every reality show there will be the occasional maniac.. and today in my team there happened to be two.
maniac no.1 turned up in bermudas and singlets knowing full well what kinda damage those paintballs can deal -- oddly enough though, he's not that badly injured, if at all. he's also the one spraying the field with ammo like there's no tomorrow. heh. maybe that's why he managed to get away with little damage: people were too busy ducking behind barriers to shoot at him.
maniac no.2 stood up from behind protective barriers, walked - beat this, WALKED - in the middle of the battle and pointed his gun, terminator style, at our enemies and put serious dents in their defences. heck everyone else on our side were huddling behind obstacles to avoid projectiles and he was the only one walking around outting enemies like they wouldn't find him. brave man, that. bloody accurate, too, if i may add, but maniac all the same. oh incidentally, this is the one who had served that the-size-of-my-fist bruise. scary.
maniac no.3 is the one i mentioned earlier, The One With The Funky Bruise, also known as Victim of Maniac No.2. though to be fair he DID do copious amounts of damage to our team, leading the attacks, literally shooting our exposed asses and continuously putting us out of play. heh. -respect-
the rain and the puddles and mud only served to make things more interesting - for me at least - it's REAL WAR. wah so cool. got gun got protective gear and got enemies got comrades got bloody weather. i feel like a MAAAAN. -flex miniscule muscles- no wonder guys like to talk about their army days!
to use a cliche, we had a smashing good time at this game: the exhilaration was awesome and the adrenalin exciting ..but as most good things go, the paintball war ended all too soon (the two hours flew by i tell you) and after promising each other that we'd do this again soon, we headed back to base (DM's home).
on the way back, after we're done recounting who shot who else - here is where the writing part comes in - someone mentioned how it is being working in the er, media (?). he's a writer and though he works shit hours he's absolutely happy. someone else picked up where he left off and brought up the issue of people writing for the sake of writing and sometimes being provocative just for the sake of being so.
words like 'trying too hard' and prominent names in the writing industry popped up as he said that it's more important to write to provoke meaningful thought than to write just to be provocative. an example raised was a local writer's likening singapore's casino situation to the outhouse without any given reason.
and i jump on the band wagon only now in the spirit of esprit de l'escalier!
if you were to call someone a name, you have to have a reason for it.
you might call someone micheal because he/she molests lil kids, or you might call someone moron because he/she made the mistake of calling himself 'average' in front of the girl he was wooing. but there are reasons given, see?
sometimes the reason's apparent, but most times it just isn't all that clear and it's always best to explain where you're coming from. besides, people tend to arrive at the same destinations but the routes they take might be vastly different.
and that's what makes a writer unique. it's 'the route' that makes things interesting and gives you your 'style'.
take the hit thriller series CSI for example.
in each episode the script consisted of one or more victims and there is the need to find that killer (the reason/objective of the law enforcers) but what made it so exciting were the methods used to kill the victim, the means employed to conceal the killer's identity and the clues the cops pick up to draw them closer to the murderer ('the route'). sometimes the killer's reason for the murder is an unexpected dash of mint on the usual pawsta. (don't pick bones with me on the choice of spice/herb here, i'm no cook and you know what i mean)
it won't excite you much if CSI showed only dead bodies and people snapping pictures of the crime scene only to show you looks of relief and lines that go 'well, all in a day' two minutes later, would it? it's like calling two plain slices of bread a sandwich: no bite.
you don't make claims about a person or an organisation without supporting them. nothing much happens if it's good, unless it's something you sold and it fell short of whatever you promised it would be. then you get sued.
..if it's bad it's called slander. and you get sued.
...which later led me to wonder: what do you people think of my emails? are you indulging me because you happen to know me and that i say the weirdest things that keeps you amused? i know i won't get sued for airing my views but what - how - does it impact upon you, the reader?
to quote someone in the car loosely: it feels good to know that your work is out there, with your name on it; and that people reading it either love it or hate it.
aye, it's true. whether the boss loves it is another issue altogether.
but is it enough, really? is it enough for me? my readership's definitely lower than the main local paper, i've no 'boss' to speak of.
should i be worried that my emails tend to drop into cyberworld, into your emailboxes like pebbles thrown into deep deep wells, with the occasional pleasant 'plip' when it pitches into the water, or should i be content that my pebbles are filling that well in bit by bit without seeing splash nor hearing sound?
mm. here's the result of two minutes of pondering:
whatever it is, i suppose i'm of the same mind as that friend. i want my words read, i want my thoughts known.
and yes, it does feel obscurely good that someone's reading my musings and possibly cursing the amount of time i have at the same time wishing they could find it in themselves to write about things as such as well. heck do it better than i'm doing it, even.
-grin- maybe.
it does feel good to know that you are receiving my emails. it's the hope that i am giving you something to think about, smile at, mentally chew on later makes me carry on writing.
and here's hoping you like my pieces. :)
i've just had the most amazing weekend!
the week ended with rather successful interviews on friday (second interviews come monday! yay!) after a most pleasant friend dropped by to visit and the weekend started with yet another successful interview on saturday - followed by lotr (yes, lord of them rings) games run by this dungeon master (DM) who delivers awesome sound effects and imagery who, incidentally, packs a flying punch on the xbox as well.
the bunch of us played through to the wee hours of sunday morning and hit the sack, only to gather again at noon today (sunday) to bloom each others' asses with paintballs.
WOOOOOOO YEAH paintball wars!
it's a sexy game i tell you! sexy because it's dangerous and the urban men you thought only capable of making kills on the computer screen can ALSO paint yer pretty corpse orange yellow purple and black with them paintball guns.
suddenly these 'slow-moving singapolean males' become war machines - an aspect i only heard tales about (mostly involving the words 'army' and 'camp' which, in essence, mean the same thing: hell). what an eye-opener!
...you can say that my perception of local guys upped several notches.
and ye gods, the paintballs hurt! each hit you get will earn you a bruise on top of a welt that you'll only feel 3 seconds after you're hit. i know, i got hit once or twice... but that's because i'm a coward and kept faaar faaaaaar away from the front line. i would've been cheerfully pelted with paintballs by the opposing team if i dared venture as close as my male counterparts did... but then i would've served a bigger share of bruised body parts to the other side if i had dared, too. :/
one of us had the misfortune to get bloody THWACKED right under the arm within three meters' range - he got a bruise the size of my fist that's purple on the outside and bright pink on the inside, which he took -hong kong accent- like a MAN. hats off to that one!
what happened on the field there looked like some reality show ..and i'm sure you people would have noticed that in every reality show there will be the occasional maniac.. and today in my team there happened to be two.
maniac no.1 turned up in bermudas and singlets knowing full well what kinda damage those paintballs can deal -- oddly enough though, he's not that badly injured, if at all. he's also the one spraying the field with ammo like there's no tomorrow. heh. maybe that's why he managed to get away with little damage: people were too busy ducking behind barriers to shoot at him.
maniac no.2 stood up from behind protective barriers, walked - beat this, WALKED - in the middle of the battle and pointed his gun, terminator style, at our enemies and put serious dents in their defences. heck everyone else on our side were huddling behind obstacles to avoid projectiles and he was the only one walking around outting enemies like they wouldn't find him. brave man, that. bloody accurate, too, if i may add, but maniac all the same. oh incidentally, this is the one who had served that the-size-of-my-fist bruise. scary.
maniac no.3 is the one i mentioned earlier, The One With The Funky Bruise, also known as Victim of Maniac No.2. though to be fair he DID do copious amounts of damage to our team, leading the attacks, literally shooting our exposed asses and continuously putting us out of play. heh. -respect-
the rain and the puddles and mud only served to make things more interesting - for me at least - it's REAL WAR. wah so cool. got gun got protective gear and got enemies got comrades got bloody weather. i feel like a MAAAAN. -flex miniscule muscles- no wonder guys like to talk about their army days!
to use a cliche, we had a smashing good time at this game: the exhilaration was awesome and the adrenalin exciting ..but as most good things go, the paintball war ended all too soon (the two hours flew by i tell you) and after promising each other that we'd do this again soon, we headed back to base (DM's home).
on the way back, after we're done recounting who shot who else - here is where the writing part comes in - someone mentioned how it is being working in the er, media (?). he's a writer and though he works shit hours he's absolutely happy. someone else picked up where he left off and brought up the issue of people writing for the sake of writing and sometimes being provocative just for the sake of being so.
words like 'trying too hard' and prominent names in the writing industry popped up as he said that it's more important to write to provoke meaningful thought than to write just to be provocative. an example raised was a local writer's likening singapore's casino situation to the outhouse without any given reason.
and i jump on the band wagon only now in the spirit of esprit de l'escalier!
if you were to call someone a name, you have to have a reason for it.
you might call someone micheal because he/she molests lil kids, or you might call someone moron because he/she made the mistake of calling himself 'average' in front of the girl he was wooing. but there are reasons given, see?
sometimes the reason's apparent, but most times it just isn't all that clear and it's always best to explain where you're coming from. besides, people tend to arrive at the same destinations but the routes they take might be vastly different.
and that's what makes a writer unique. it's 'the route' that makes things interesting and gives you your 'style'.
take the hit thriller series CSI for example.
in each episode the script consisted of one or more victims and there is the need to find that killer (the reason/objective of the law enforcers) but what made it so exciting were the methods used to kill the victim, the means employed to conceal the killer's identity and the clues the cops pick up to draw them closer to the murderer ('the route'). sometimes the killer's reason for the murder is an unexpected dash of mint on the usual pawsta. (don't pick bones with me on the choice of spice/herb here, i'm no cook and you know what i mean)
it won't excite you much if CSI showed only dead bodies and people snapping pictures of the crime scene only to show you looks of relief and lines that go 'well, all in a day' two minutes later, would it? it's like calling two plain slices of bread a sandwich: no bite.
you don't make claims about a person or an organisation without supporting them. nothing much happens if it's good, unless it's something you sold and it fell short of whatever you promised it would be. then you get sued.
..if it's bad it's called slander. and you get sued.
...which later led me to wonder: what do you people think of my emails? are you indulging me because you happen to know me and that i say the weirdest things that keeps you amused? i know i won't get sued for airing my views but what - how - does it impact upon you, the reader?
to quote someone in the car loosely: it feels good to know that your work is out there, with your name on it; and that people reading it either love it or hate it.
aye, it's true. whether the boss loves it is another issue altogether.
but is it enough, really? is it enough for me? my readership's definitely lower than the main local paper, i've no 'boss' to speak of.
should i be worried that my emails tend to drop into cyberworld, into your emailboxes like pebbles thrown into deep deep wells, with the occasional pleasant 'plip' when it pitches into the water, or should i be content that my pebbles are filling that well in bit by bit without seeing splash nor hearing sound?
mm. here's the result of two minutes of pondering:
whatever it is, i suppose i'm of the same mind as that friend. i want my words read, i want my thoughts known.
and yes, it does feel obscurely good that someone's reading my musings and possibly cursing the amount of time i have at the same time wishing they could find it in themselves to write about things as such as well. heck do it better than i'm doing it, even.
-grin- maybe.
it does feel good to know that you are receiving my emails. it's the hope that i am giving you something to think about, smile at, mentally chew on later makes me carry on writing.
and here's hoping you like my pieces. :)
Saturday, May 07, 2005
so are you smart or stupid?
i'd met someone a while ago.
i hardly know him. i only know his name, where he lives, how his room looks like and that there is a window on his bathroom wall that allows one to peek in our out.
and i'm content. we do stuff together. walks on the beach, walks elsewhere, walks in ikea, hanging out at my place, hanging out at his. and we're happy.
he's the 'surrogate boyfriend', so to speak. he teaches me stuff, and i tell him about my nonsense views of the world. it amuses him, i think. whatever i say and do, he somehow accepts, and goes along with it. maybe that kind of patience comes with age. perhaps he understands that with him i can't go too wrong.
..perhaps i know that if i went wrong it's still with him.
experience junkie? that's me.
i find that i don't need to know much about him. that is enough. he is inconsequential in my life as i am in his; we simply enjoy meeting up. perhaps it's because we hardly expect much of each other, but somehow we treat each other well. maybe he's just naturally nice. (you think? :) )
but then that begs the question: is it wise? you hardly know the fella.
answer? yes. and no.
yes because i know i can call it quits anytime i want, and he'd go 'okay' and disappear; he can do likewise and get the same results. and no because - come on, trust a 'stranger'? bah. it'd do you good to get his ic number, his family's details and suchlike so when shit happens you got some kinda line to hang on to, sugar.
..oddly though, i find myself trusting this person right from the start. i'm usually paranoid about people. questions like 'why's he/she doing this, what were the alternatives to attain similar results' pop in my mind when someone does anything remotely suspicious. 'suspicious' may be anything concerning me or someone i know.
heck, 'suspicious' may be anything.
maybe i'm naive, still. cynical yet somehow still believing that there are people who are simply harmless around. alternatively, that person may be capable of shitloads of harm but somehow, just somehow - this person i'm speaking of - he's just ..going along.
almost like the devil, if i may say. to take a quote from the the movie 'the devil's advocate' in which de niro plays the devil - 'i don't pull the strings; i only set the stage.' and true, he doesn't pull strings.
neither of us do. it's not to imply that anyone's manipulative. it - our rather unique situation, methinks - simply reminds me of that line and i thought i'd better scribe it before i forget.
so... where's this going? hell if i know. i don't think he knows as well but i'm guessing he's got some 'to-run' sign somewhere - like a limit of sorts, something to tell him to quit and leave so shit doesn't happen. he's a smart one, this.
and me? i'm taking the lead, it seems. will he take the lead? i was the one to kick this off. he's following along. simply because it doesn't matter. :)
..or does it? i'll find out later. i'm not holding my breath waiting. rolling right along now.
i hardly know him. i only know his name, where he lives, how his room looks like and that there is a window on his bathroom wall that allows one to peek in our out.
and i'm content. we do stuff together. walks on the beach, walks elsewhere, walks in ikea, hanging out at my place, hanging out at his. and we're happy.
he's the 'surrogate boyfriend', so to speak. he teaches me stuff, and i tell him about my nonsense views of the world. it amuses him, i think. whatever i say and do, he somehow accepts, and goes along with it. maybe that kind of patience comes with age. perhaps he understands that with him i can't go too wrong.
..perhaps i know that if i went wrong it's still with him.
experience junkie? that's me.
i find that i don't need to know much about him. that is enough. he is inconsequential in my life as i am in his; we simply enjoy meeting up. perhaps it's because we hardly expect much of each other, but somehow we treat each other well. maybe he's just naturally nice. (you think? :) )
but then that begs the question: is it wise? you hardly know the fella.
answer? yes. and no.
yes because i know i can call it quits anytime i want, and he'd go 'okay' and disappear; he can do likewise and get the same results. and no because - come on, trust a 'stranger'? bah. it'd do you good to get his ic number, his family's details and suchlike so when shit happens you got some kinda line to hang on to, sugar.
..oddly though, i find myself trusting this person right from the start. i'm usually paranoid about people. questions like 'why's he/she doing this, what were the alternatives to attain similar results' pop in my mind when someone does anything remotely suspicious. 'suspicious' may be anything concerning me or someone i know.
heck, 'suspicious' may be anything.
maybe i'm naive, still. cynical yet somehow still believing that there are people who are simply harmless around. alternatively, that person may be capable of shitloads of harm but somehow, just somehow - this person i'm speaking of - he's just ..going along.
almost like the devil, if i may say. to take a quote from the the movie 'the devil's advocate' in which de niro plays the devil - 'i don't pull the strings; i only set the stage.' and true, he doesn't pull strings.
neither of us do. it's not to imply that anyone's manipulative. it - our rather unique situation, methinks - simply reminds me of that line and i thought i'd better scribe it before i forget.
so... where's this going? hell if i know. i don't think he knows as well but i'm guessing he's got some 'to-run' sign somewhere - like a limit of sorts, something to tell him to quit and leave so shit doesn't happen. he's a smart one, this.
and me? i'm taking the lead, it seems. will he take the lead? i was the one to kick this off. he's following along. simply because it doesn't matter. :)
..or does it? i'll find out later. i'm not holding my breath waiting. rolling right along now.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
i may sing along, but i don't belong
http://www.blueman.com/videoimages/video/singalong_h.shtml
WAHAHAHA this one's funny. http://www.blueman.com/videoimages/video/ifeellove_h.shtml
WAHAHAHA this one's funny. http://www.blueman.com/videoimages/video/ifeellove_h.shtml
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
seduction
seduction's never felt so good
sensuality tasted like it should
hot yielding lips upon
hot wielded body
you and me
sounds like my kind of story
fingers entwined and
dazed sweaty minds
in sweet torturing heaven
with an innocently sinning heathen
sensuality tasted like it should
hot yielding lips upon
hot wielded body
you and me
sounds like my kind of story
fingers entwined and
dazed sweaty minds
in sweet torturing heaven
with an innocently sinning heathen
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
another one! :D
eh jas we the same...
Your Seduction Style: The Coquette |
 You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you compelte. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you. |
yay websites telling me about myself
Your Birthdate: February 26 |
Your birth on the 26th day of the month (8 energy) modifies your life by increasing your capability to function and succeed in the business world. In this environment you have the skills to work very well with others thanks to the 2 and 6 energies combining in this date. There is a marked increase in organizational, managerial, and administrative abilities. You are efficient and handle money very well. You're ambitious and energetic, while generally remaining cooperative and adaptable. You are conscientious and not afraid of responsibility. Generally sociable and diplomatic, you tend to use persuasion rather than force. You have a wonderful combination of being good at both the broad strokes and the fine detail; good at starting and continuing. This birthday is practical and realistic, often seeking material satisfaction. |
asshole at my doorstep
attended a party recently, a seeming drunk asked me if he could feel me up.
found out later that my friend's dating that asshole and he wants to join our gaming group.
don't want to put her in tough position and finally said yes... oh dear.
gotta be extra careful now.
found out later that my friend's dating that asshole and he wants to join our gaming group.
don't want to put her in tough position and finally said yes... oh dear.
gotta be extra careful now.
trouble ahead - no, don't help me. PLEASE don't help me.
i realise i might be in a bit of a trouble...
already i find that i'm mired in some politics that i had left hanging some years back and apparently rumours (and politics) die hard. even people i don't know seem to know about my affairs. i didn't realise i was famous... -irritated-
add new players to that and you got quicksands and holes pretending to be the ground and water that's disguised as greens by floating plants which incidentally hides the crocs as well...
anyone who knew of the joey-kyle issue would understand what i mean. jo's got his own life to lead now thankfully and kyle's still... -kyle: stuck.
then there is the 'new player' who is being extra nice and helpful and another older (by 'older' i don't mean age but the amount of time i knew him for) 'friend' who is offering advice to kyle and telling him that 'no loren doesn't see you that way' (in a 'manlier' manner, i'd guess) AND is foolish enough to hang out and turn up at venues where everybody else is at with me!
and who gets asked 'eh what's going on arh?' in the end??? nabeh me right?
and why'm i explaining myself anyway? a 'don't know, you ask him,' will smack of fish which means deeper shit.
wah please. i'm not ready to deal with this. it's almost like meeting with a fresh dancer you gotta pussyfoot your way around graciously when you'd just managed to waltz your way past some other dancer WITH SOME BUMBLING FOOL WHO'S TRYING TO 'HELP' after (if i could use italics for the word 'after' i would!) running a marathon in sport shoes. damn tiring leh. lemme rest can 'not?
..how long can you buat bodoh till loren? how many more people do you have to turn colder to after explaining the embarrasing concept that you're not looking and how many other groups of friends do you have to run away to if that doesn't work?
i wonder how long i can do that for, as well. i know i dropped some pretty direct (point-blank) hints and such..
aaaah. hope they work lah. fingers crossed! they are smart enough. they are smart enough. yeees they are smart enough. i KNOW they are smart enough.
..please say they're smart enough. -prays-
..at least there's this last one who is not that into it. nice and pleasant but not that into it. me. haha i should hang out more with those who don't look at me like i were anything vaguely female. even if they did, don't overkill with niceness.
i appreciate people being nice to me but coming from men coming after me, it's just not 'real'...
already i find that i'm mired in some politics that i had left hanging some years back and apparently rumours (and politics) die hard. even people i don't know seem to know about my affairs. i didn't realise i was famous... -irritated-
add new players to that and you got quicksands and holes pretending to be the ground and water that's disguised as greens by floating plants which incidentally hides the crocs as well...
anyone who knew of the joey-kyle issue would understand what i mean. jo's got his own life to lead now thankfully and kyle's still... -kyle: stuck.
then there is the 'new player' who is being extra nice and helpful and another older (by 'older' i don't mean age but the amount of time i knew him for) 'friend' who is offering advice to kyle and telling him that 'no loren doesn't see you that way' (in a 'manlier' manner, i'd guess) AND is foolish enough to hang out and turn up at venues where everybody else is at with me!
and who gets asked 'eh what's going on arh?' in the end??? nabeh me right?
and why'm i explaining myself anyway? a 'don't know, you ask him,' will smack of fish which means deeper shit.
wah please. i'm not ready to deal with this. it's almost like meeting with a fresh dancer you gotta pussyfoot your way around graciously when you'd just managed to waltz your way past some other dancer WITH SOME BUMBLING FOOL WHO'S TRYING TO 'HELP' after (if i could use italics for the word 'after' i would!) running a marathon in sport shoes. damn tiring leh. lemme rest can 'not?
..how long can you buat bodoh till loren? how many more people do you have to turn colder to after explaining the embarrasing concept that you're not looking and how many other groups of friends do you have to run away to if that doesn't work?
i wonder how long i can do that for, as well. i know i dropped some pretty direct (point-blank) hints and such..
aaaah. hope they work lah. fingers crossed! they are smart enough. they are smart enough. yeees they are smart enough. i KNOW they are smart enough.
..please say they're smart enough. -prays-
..at least there's this last one who is not that into it. nice and pleasant but not that into it. me. haha i should hang out more with those who don't look at me like i were anything vaguely female. even if they did, don't overkill with niceness.
i appreciate people being nice to me but coming from men coming after me, it's just not 'real'...
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