me a plumpy munch junkie

i'm eating so much these days i get scared. and i'm talking about the kind of yummy junk, like blue berry cheese tarts. mmmmmmm.

lovely.


now that i've moved to the north, it's all good cheap food. fruits are everywhere, as are bread shops and yummy noodles. oh by the way, i saw this beautiful dress at raffles city today. it's rather unfortunate that the price is also pretty lovely. $185. ow. but ye gods, not buying it is truly like cutting a part of myself off. it is not often that i find a dress that suits me... -sob

aye, aye, i am

the things people do and the things people say.

it's something that i did, nothing that i said.

i'm angry

oh yes, i'm angry.

ANGRY.

about a book osho wrote

it's titled 'intimacy'. while it's a whole load of crap, some of the things he said struck a chord (yes, i'm a firm believer of the principle that goes "reading a book but reading does not necessarily mean agreeing with it").

and i found peace within those pages that i do agree with. it's a good sign, methinks, that i'm no longer "searching for something that i do not know about". in fact, the more i try to define it, the less i need to be in action to search for that elusive "something". because i already have that "something". what more can i ask for?

i'm at peace.


er, babes. on another note altogether - if you're free anytime this week to meet me up, please do so? want to pass you the vouchers!

sick - again!

>.<

thankfully i have a new phone to comfort me. that's how i realise i'm more mentally stimulated than anything - i hardly play with the phone and i spent no more than three hours testing it out, spread over two days.

it's just good to know i now have my own mobile.

conversation

Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:01)
like dat also can can
Me says: (AM 12:02)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:02)
yah
Me says: (AM 12:02)
well..
Me says: (AM 12:02)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:02)
you prolly would know lah
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:02)
know wat?
Me says: (AM 12:02)
it gets tiring after a while and all you want to do is to do it properly
Me says: (AM 12:03)
and hope for the best.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:03)
hope?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:04)
like wat?
Me says: (AM 12:04)
hope that you get a partner suitable for you, that you'll be happy, that you won't have to deal with the horror stories that've happened to other people..
Me says: (AM 12:04)
that kind lah
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
nv hope in a relationship
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
b sure of wat u want
Me says: (AM 12:05)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:05)
my poor boy.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
u been thru a few relationship n u shld noe by now wat u looking for
Me says: (AM 12:05)
yah i do.
Me says: (AM 12:05)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
u doesn't seem to noe'
Me says: (AM 12:06)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:06)
maybe
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:06)
dats y u say 'hope'
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:06)
if u noe dat this guy will b with u for life, u will b v sure with ur ans
Me says: (AM 12:07)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:07)
i've "known" many guys who "will be with me for life"
Me says: (AM 12:07)
so..
Me says: (AM 12:07)
i daren't say i "know" these days
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:08)
u noe wat i mean... for life meaning u ll marry him
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i know.
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i know.
Me says: (AM 12:08)
haha
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i definitely know what you mean
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:08)
dun waste time if u think u wana marry him but dunno if u thinks alike
Me says: (AM 12:09)
strangely enough
Me says: (AM 12:09)
they all do
Me says: (AM 12:09)
want to marry me i mean
Me says: (AM 12:09)
and i want to marry them, when i was with them. i don't have "plan b" when i'm with them
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:09)
sayig is 1 thing u noe, doing it is another
Me says: (AM 12:09)
yah.
Me says: (AM 12:10)
you're right
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
they say but nv do
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
they nv show any action to prove they wana marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
o tell me wat has ur current guy did to let u feel dat he wana marry u?
Me says: (AM 12:10)
showed me to his mum
Me says: (AM 12:11)
brought me to see his dad in malaysia
Me says: (AM 12:11)
do all he can to make me happy
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:11)
dats normal ma
Me says: (AM 12:11)
okay
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:11)
did he sit down n plan with u the future
Me says: (AM 12:11)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:11)
he's too young for that.
Me says: (AM 12:12)
theprevious one did
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:13)
like when the 2 of u wana get married, how to achieved dat target, like saving money etc, plans to get house...
Me says: (AM 12:13)
he's 24, in the army now
Me says: (AM 12:13)
it's too far down the road for him
Me says: (AM 12:13)
if he were out of the army i would say yes, true. we should do that
Me says: (AM 12:13)
but... well.
Me says: (AM 12:13)
donno lah. ^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
24 is not young
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
look at my nephew
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
21 n married
Me says: (AM 12:14)
lol
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
n he got his plan laid out
Me says: (AM 12:14)
wow
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
good thinking on his part
Me says: (AM 12:14)
that's great!
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
dats wat a guy shld b doing
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
not wait n wait
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
since he is in the army, got all the time to plan
Me says: (AM 12:15)
well.
Me says: (AM 12:15)
er. no..
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
sit down n plan with him
Me says: (AM 12:15)
just got in
Me says: (AM 12:15)
no time.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
like wat he wana do when he leave the force
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:16)
how long he nid to work n save in order to marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:16)
etc...
Me says: (AM 12:16)
true
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:17)
so u c the whole pic now?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:17)
n wat u gona do nxt?
Me says: (AM 12:18)
i
Me says: (AM 12:18)
am going to cook myself some noodles! :D
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
go think bout it
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
no nid to tell me
Me says: (AM 12:19)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
but b frank to urself
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
u can cheat anyone but not urself
Me says: (AM 12:19)
i don't think he's thought about it.
Me says: (AM 12:19)
"it's too far", will be his answer
Me says: (AM 12:20)
i.. don't want to settle down yet, i don't think.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
den u cant say he wana marry u cuz he dun wana commit himself with those kind of ans
Me says: (AM 12:21)
hm.
Me says: (AM 12:21)
yah.
Me says: (AM 12:21)
maybe.

-snip-

Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
aiya dun waste time la
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
come i marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
you sit down with me and you plan with me lah! lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
then i believe
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
wah~~
Me says: (AM 12:23)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:23)
you just say one!
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
learn fast hor
Me says: (AM 12:23)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
the go sit down with him la
Me says: (AM 12:23)
must mah, otherwise your meimei is doing to be real slow
Me says: (AM 12:23)
haha
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
yalah dats y i say u go sit down with him n tlk
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
if he dun wan den i marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:25)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:25)
okay i can't see all your emoticons
Me says: (AM 12:25)
using mac
Me says: (AM 12:25)
mac can't see all emoticons, only some.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:26)
but it juz come out as i type ma
Me says: (AM 12:28)
orh
Me says: (AM 12:28)
ok
Me says: (AM 12:28)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:28)
haha
Me says: (AM 12:28)
you'll be happy with me as a wife?
Me says: (AM 12:28)
you won't find it strange?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:29)
hmmm... strange as in wat?
Me says: (AM 12:29)
that we've known each other for so long and we've seen each other through relationships?
Me says: (AM 12:30)
eh brb. i go cook noodles

-end-

bring, briiiiing!

and the phone keeps on ringing....

bitch vs vain men

it tickles me no end to see how vain some men can get.

case in point is a certain fei that i know. he's not bad looking, but he's not good looking neither - you know the kind, average-ish looks with better skin than most? well, he's like that.

i offered two people the chance to appear in a popular women's magazine as an eligible bachelor and one of the two, as expected, turned it down, citing media-shyness. the other, however, snapped it up completely - hook, sinker and all.

exact words were: "i wouldn't mind". [edit: upon the latest check of the sms in reply, it was "i definitely wouldn't mind"]


hello? i knew for a fact that he's egoistical already, but wow, the vanity! the vanity!

it's a-may-zing.


the last experiment was on my own boy. i foisted it off him, but i didn't think that he would say no - put up a half-assed effort to "struggle" against the unreasonable girlfriend's decision maybe, but there won't be an outright "no". which i expected but it's disappointing anyhoos..

at least fei is outright vain and doesn't try to hide it and it's his choice to make. disappointing.

ahem, ahem!

just in case you guys think that i'm desperate to get married - i'm not.

it's like wanting a car. like you've always wanted that cute volkswagon, you can't wait to finally being able to afford it, to ride in it, to finally have it - but you don't need it. it won't kill you to not have it, but you want it.

and it's the same. i've always wanted to get married; but it's not something i want to hop into straight after i get to know a guy, probably not even for a few years.


BUT. it is important to understand that any man who does not want me enough to want to marry me at a moment's notice is not worth my affections. sad to say, something broke in me last night, i have a funny feeling it may stay broken for a looong time.


anyhoos. i want to be desired. being desired and wanting to get married HERE AND NOW are completely two different things. just in case you didn't get it: i want to be desired, but i do not necessarily want to get married, like, now.

capisce?

now, moving right along...

okay. in this case...


i'm going to go ahead and make my plans and am going to follow them through. i will migrate. to vancouver.

i am going to sit by the fireplace and drink a scotch, forget about making smores altogether, because that was my dream. no i think scotch and/or wine is more practical. more pleasant, too.

vancouver. two years.

yes, two years. 12th july 2009. from then till december 2009 i will be preparing myself to go over, after the formalities have been done.

i start my new life in a new country, from zero: 2010.

two-oh-one-oh. from zero. : )

ooh. license to kill!

my boy'd just told me "ooookay it's too far" when i was joking first-borns (rumpelstiltskin-esque kinda discussion) - and i realised that he doesn't want to marry me.

it brought a slight pang and i moped for a while (i'd be lying if i said five - i moped for an entire ten seconds. can you beat that? wow: ten!) - then i immediately knew that i have the license to kill! i can be not as bothered to keep "us" intact! :D

now it makes purrrfect sense as to why he's behaving the way he's been behaving. now i understand.


it's a disappointment, true, but well. i've no shortage.

death by blueberry muffun

i had a blueberry muffin today. it was delicious.

it was also two days old.


ohhhh... i don't feel so good.....

the bus drivers

on this occasion, i remembered the evening when i made up my mind to write about them bus drivers. it was on the night when i was still working with my previous employer... it was very late at night, and he was sending me home, along with his wife in the same car.

i wondered, amidst tears (had a humongous hiccup at work and since the boss and his lady can never be at fault, i'm the one to get screwed over. but that's over now, and i've been happier since i left that place), how the bus drivers felt on a night like this, are they exhausted, like i am exhausted? are the emotionally vacant like i was then, because they probably don't have a life outside of their driving routines?

the buses seem to hurtle at great speeds for a vehicle of that size; and i wondered, are they hurtling because they need to get their passengers back to their homes so they can get ready for bed, or are they hurtling for their own sakes, because they needed something to make them feel alive, because they wanted to feel the euphoria of driving in the night, of being a 'captain of the ship', because they had to? and what do they do, after this? who takes them home, then?

i know, that after i had cried i could've gone. sleep it off, wake up and get to work again, leave it all behind, a dream away.

what about these people, these drivers? do they get reprieve at all? what is their social life like, outside of their bus routines? do they have a social life outside of their bus routines? who do they work for? what do they do, exactly, other than open doors for us?

these are the people we see every day, but do not see, do you get what i mean?


and what about us, the execs. do they see us? and do other people see us, when we're walking to work, to lunch, from lunch, back home? or are we merely part of the population landscape? who notices us anymore? we're just part of the background, no? we're increasingly thinking that way and behaving that way.


is that why quite a few of us are "oblivious", so to speak, and "complacent"? because the world consists only of themselves. and when shit happens "they'll bring this up to the authorities, see if they don't!"

have we become a shallow, petty bunch?


ya think?

wow

yep. wow.

world of warcraft, to be more specific. nice game.

ithinki'mretarded

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Asperger's_syndrome?OpenDocument

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Autistic_savant?open


...okay so that didn't sounds that good. but i DO have difficulties dealing with people and i DO have some form of genius... just that you can't quite see it.........


<: x

career toast to the girls!

on another more cheerful thing altogether, i love my job!

absolutely lovely! i'm meeting people, deadlines are over, i'm writing and i'm having a good time. fabulous.


here's one to the girls: for career, for laughter on the job and for luck!

announcements

don't like them. never mind if i know the person who's been invited or not, but do not make last-minute announcements, then asking me if i'm okay with that.

that's not giving me a choice - repeat: NOT giving me a choice. what do you expect me to say, "oh, no, i don't think i'll be going"? i mean, don't make decisions then TELL me about it when we're the only TWO people going at the point of decision.

if it's a group, fine. i can still pull out graciously if i'm not comfortable because it's a group. but no. it's just two of us. if go i feel like i'm not getting what i've originally said yes to; if i don't go the other party will feel strange or worse - misunderstand that - oh i'm aiming for a date with you and was miffed because you invited someone else i didn't know about - and i don't want that.

does it therefore look like i have a choice in the matter? your manner of thought is quite strange, don't you think?


lesson learnt: do NOT do things like that to your friends. i will continue to NOT do this to my friends.

when it gets too much

don't let the bastards grind you down! (for jasmi)

Each day I wake up in this gray old town
Each day the system tries to bring me down
With a minimum wage in the factory
I'm slaving in the Twentieth Century

And the whole damn world
Is gangin up to bring me to my knees

And now the neighbors make it loud and clear
That they want no ravers moving in around here
I wont play ball, wont do what i'm told
I'd rather be a square peg in a round hole

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

I'm living in a world where I don't really fit
Every day walking through the same old shit
I'm gonna get my gun, gonna get prepared
I'm not impressed and I'm not scared

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

Me say the war must stop
No one canna win
Ah we livin in da ghetto
On da streets of dis town
Ah da whole world
I said dis a one
...you a man
You stand up firm gotta stand up strong
Listen ghetto youth dis how we keep in da land

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

pussaaaayyy!!

(please don't mind the bad spelling)

Once upon a time in the land of fever, there lived a scarlet pussy
This kitty cat of fine descent, was cherished by her mother
Who wouldnt let another, pet her, unless he was qualified

Every 1st of the month this pretty feline got the hots
And thats when the neighborhood (d-d-dogs)
Theyd line up around the block
Meow

When my little scarlet feline roars
The locals come around (come around)
When they see the scarlet light
They know its time to come chase her down (chase her down)

Lo and behold the fantastical way
In which their bodies groove
My scarlet pussys furry magic alters any mood

Scarlet pussy (its cool)
Scarlet pussy
Pussycat, pussycat
Wherefore art thou, puppy?

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

Every dog would try his lines
To get pussys attention ([...])
All they want is so exposed
In ways too gross to mention (eew!)

Green virgin teenager
A filthy rich yuppie
Pussycat pussycat
Wherefore art thou puppy?
Scarlet pussy

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over your sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

Meow
Now whats going on?
Oh, no, man, look out!
Somebody come get this meow-meow of my leg!
Meow!

Scarlet pussy

Pussycat pussycat
Wherefore art thou, puppy?
Meow

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

She can make u happy, she can make u sad
She can make u crazy (crazy)
She can make u shiver from your head down to your feet
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets (oh!)

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

mini tragedy

scene: shrek ended its run last week.


tradgedy: i found out this week.

being understanding

i know i should be more understanding.

i know i should be.


this is one week out of many, right? don't be disappointed: everyone wants to "go home", because that's where "home" is. it's alright.

it's alright....


from the other side:
it weakens me, knowing it's going to be "another of those weekends". unfulfilling, unsatisfying. i'm trying, but i'm growing colder, inside. i'm slowly shrinking away. it's like he doesn't know me or know how to love me.

"i don't love you the way you want to be loved does not mean i do not love you."


yes, but that simply means i won't feel your love. i may understand your love but i don't feel it. i'm so sorry!