weather? bah.

this day i wonder: people learn things from me. and do i learn things from people? am i too obstinate to see the lessons in which i provide to others is also, in itself, a lesson to me? heh.

and what do i have to offer, save self-respect, a semi-strong grip on my sense of being, and an obstinate optimism tinged with negativity at the frayed edges?

thus tonight, i asked my good, respectable self, what i had gained from all of this. if i were so respectable and so good, why am i finding myself not being able to tell right from - well, the other one? why do i write people off, after having decided that "enough is enough" then feeling weighed down about it? is it just feeling "under the weather"?*


most importantly, "am i a lesson?"


- ever read the email that's titled: "everybody occurs for a reason, a season or a lifetime"? i think i might just be the "reason and/or season". the only one stuck with me for a bloody lifetime is probably my ma. then again, she's not stuck with me, i'm stuck with HER.


...

..alright, other-deprecating jokes aside. methinks i'm one of those who can't see past her own glow of self-greatness. tis all about me me me me me and then, if i have the time, myself. it's the glow from my cocky being, i tell you. but truth be told what does that light of greatness do? other than granting me confidence and poise, i mean?

also, to quote a well-loved terry pratchet, "in the dark the light blinds you - " apparently you do not strike the match when you're surroundedby the "oppressing darkness". you stare at it till it backs down. and that's just it. light blinds you when you're in the dark, and you can see only where it reaches; you're blind beyond that. and god-forbid the possibility of someone training his end of the gun at you.

that's why ninjas wear black and don't carry lanterns when doing their funky roof-hopping, no?


anyways. methinks it's all a load of bull and maybe i should dim the self-glow and try to see past my pretty nose for a change, eh? look past the mirror, through the mirror and AT my SELF. and see what's there, what's REALLY there. then maybe, just maybe, i can figure out what might be the cause of this want to slam the door shut, lock the windows and bury my head underneath a big, hardcovered book.

and if i stared really hard, maybe, just maybe i'll see what's there in the mirror, y'know, complete with minute refractions and absolute reflections - and maybe i'll realise that the pimple on my my nose is really the issue.


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* i realise there's no way you can stay be above the weather unless you live in the mountains. even then, the snowstorms get to you sometimes.