and he returns

yep.

friend who's overseas has returned to singaporean lands.



hum. i was k-ing tonight and i realised, as if i knew this fact all along, that i wanted a man who's got angular features, a nice smile and a nice build. you know, nice muscular arms and the swoonsome grin. look at andy hui and wang li hong and you get the picture.

yes, tall dark handsome men. no pansies for me. no pretty-boy/metrosexual chaps.

sorry but beckham doesn't cut it no more. MANLY MEN! RAWR!

bodily observations 2

and the conversation went like this...


jenn says: has anyone wondered why we have hair?

me: to keep the head warm lah. greatest loss of heat there what

jenn: really?

me: mmhm

jenn: if tts the case

me: eyebrows to keep water off eyes

jenn: then why was there evolution such tt ppl grow bald too?

me: ..and hair down there to keep pheromones - eh?

me: well. i suspect it's something got to do with the thickening of the skull.....

me (as afterthought): more inherent in men, i noticed.

reality check

the world is full of amazing things. they're blown all over the media: papers, tv, radio. shirts, shipping bags, on the sides of lorries, mobile phone screens. and i wonder: how much of it do you believe, and howmuch of it do you notice?

do you believe the news? do you hear it or do you listen to it?

do you believe advertisements? do you understand how the creatives came by the underlying reasoning to manifest into the piece you see say, on the streets, at the bus station, the departmental stores? or do you merely see the direct message that they advocate?


but what i am trying to ask is merely: how much gets to you when you read, when you see?


does reading evoke certain feelings in you, or have you become somewhat like me, slightly jaded, a little world-weary (yes, already!) and do you notice that the news in newpaper tend to be more tragic than that of the straits times (imho anyway) but you're hardly bothered anymore because it must be 'sensationalised news'?

and what if it weren't news? what if it were a letter from a family member, saying hello and giving you an update on how the baby girl is; or an email from a friend complete with pictures, of her trip to brazil?

you would believe that and you would take time to read and appreciate that for they're 'real'. how many links would you accept in the chain of events before you say that it's not good anymore?

how much do you believe in those words you read?

...i know i'm a naive person. i tend to believe bydefault. i think the world is prettier when it's a little blurred around the edges and i've never understood why some prefer to see each and every grain of colour when a picture is presented to them.

is it another way of seeing 'the blurry world'? or is it just being myopic?


hmmm.

and how much gets to you, how much do you see?

the dreaming.

"nobody knows when they might wake up"

some words i heard sung from a song. and it made perfect sense. truly, what if we were merely sleeping, and 'death' were e last part of the dream that we will wake from?

and suppose everyone is a part of your dreaming, who you are is what you made yourself out to be. and maybe like how some powerful people dream about being dominated, you are now working for someone else, instead of being at the top. and maybe, just maybe, you're really someone at THE top, and this is soem weird dream, in which you are not yourself and are working in the company that you own, only you don't know that.

and you'r busy climbing this corporate vine so you can afford to not step on others. and maybe, when you wake, you will remember these stories, these "people" you'd dreamt, the stories you'd read, the paths you'd taken and the conversations you had.

and you are simply dreaming all of this, and in your dream, everyone wakes up by havign the ultimate nightmare of dying.

..maybe.

oh, look.

http://www.icq.com/friendship/pages/browse_page_18964.php

something i found that cheered me up.

i want to like you for you.

i had stopped by to visit my mother this afternoon, and we were bantering as usual when she mentioned that she's got more business coming from my aunt's place - and since my aunt lives in the better part of town it means that the customer she gets is actually quite well-to-do.

and when she mentioned that the other family is worth even more than my aunt's family i felt this cold rock at the bottom of my stomach...

will i ever get there? at that point i really didn't want to continue the conversation.


..not that "there" is an important place to be or that i MUST get there but rather, will i ever have a chance to live in the kind of "opulence" - not needing to care whether or not i have to return that book i rented, where to go for that meal of da zha xie (fried crabs), and WHEN i may go for that meal of da zha xie, whether i have the necessary to not bother where i'm headed or when and that all i have to think about is what i want to do and when.

and i look at the people about me. my colleagues seem happy. not that i am not - i am. i am blessed in every way possible - or "lucky", if you don't believe in an Almighty - to have the education, the accommodation, the smarts to make it through to a good school and then to getting some skills behind me, jobs, a place of my own, great friends who will help me out, who i will help out and who i love -


i am blessed. triply blessed. because. because of the above-mentioned reasons and then some.

but when i look at the people about me, and when i look. i see people struggling with work, with deadlines, with stress: the same things i struggle with.

but then comes lunch time and people start talking about the places they're headed to for drinks, who's got them invites and how "her dad said 'money's not yours until you spend it' and how he bought ANOTHER television set (or something)" and how she's got cars back in wherever she came from. and my friends, they've got lovely homes with wonderful parents who seem to know just what advice to give. it helps that they're beautiful too.

and all i can do is to try to keep up, you know?


and the people i know. the people i get to know. if i like them i really don't want to know more about them. i only want to know their names, their contact numbers if we happen to exchange numbers but even then. i just want to know their names, and that be it.

for to know more would mean i will have preconceived notions about you. just like if i were to know that you're well-to-do or even better than "just" well-to-do. i don't want to know that you live in a penthouse and own two shophouses in emerald hill plus a pub down the road AND seven cars, all lamborghinis of different colours to suit different outfits. i don't, i really don't.

it scares me, i feel like i'm not worthy, because i simply do not have the things you have. i have not seen the things you have, and probably have not done the things you did. like owning more than forty-six pairs of shoes. it's ridiculous, i don't need forty-six pairs of shoes and unless you're aspiring to be a millipede chances are you won't, neither. but you get what i mean?


i know i'm cool. i know i'm beautiful. i know i don't have to be worth a thing but still be priceless. i know that. YOU know that.

and i don't want to know who you are. i was curious about someone who impressed me. and i asked.

what a mistake. the more impressed i was, the dumber i got. the dumber i got the more ingratiating i became.

me. lapdog. ME.



..and i must not be like that. and i don't want to know who you are, whether or not i have met you, will meet you. i don't want to know who you are. i want to know you as you, ilke you for you, as you are; not what you have, where you'd been, who you'd seen. i can offer you the friendship and camaraderie that you may have found so lacking in the world, that spark of genuine-ness.

but i must not know who you are. i don't want to know who you are.

poptart

poptart.

pop. tart. popular tart.


hmm.

bodily observations 1

through the days of aimlessly milling about places during rush-hour cheong-to-office-time and lunchtime, i can't help but notice these oddities and/or differences in the human body: -

if women can sit up ramrod straight and so can men, when women do not have any - obstacles, if you will - to speak of, does it mean them said obstacles are positioned slightly forward?

...so is that where the extra folds of skin come in?


and if everyone were biologically a woman to start with does it therefore mean we actually come with under-developed penii? and then there's the womb. if we have the womb and men don't, is that why they can eat loads more food than we can, and is that why they tend to have easier times in the bathroom and seem to have more resistance to irritable bowel syndrome (it afflicts MANY more women than it does men)?


...is that also why men sport pot-bellies after their tummy elasticity wears out?



hmm.

urban famine

yes, one of the three riders has got a new face.

it's called fashion, in all of its metallic eyeshadow-ed glory. skinny girls having waists smaller than a wasp's and yet still manage to have curves. feh. modern-day stuffings. put it on during the day and take it off at night. easy-peasy. can wash some more.

then there's powder, make-up; the 'glamour' that seems to come with it.

thank heavens su isn't that stick-insecty and she doesn't have to slap on too much powder to look good. i may look like a grasshopper but i've always been the skinny kambing.

but hey, i love my food. i just don't happen to like eating when i'm not hungry. and therein lies another facet of urban famine: living standards. it's called 'lifestyle' these days. the tendency to pay for one good meal versus many run-of-the-mill meals now is higher than the tendency to pay for one good meal versus many run-of-the-mill meals back then.

and the want to 'live the better life' is there and so you live the life of a well-to-do for a week then for the rest of the month you're drying up like a limpet stuck too high on the pier. but either way, i suppose now that a large percentage of the world population is well-to-do enough to be able to afford fat-laden burgers - famine must've appealed to vanity.


...and succeeded, no less. with brilliant gay designers/stylists around, who, more often than not tend to be male and therefore have nonexistent hips - man. that just makes being a woman hard. not to mention the glamourous transvestites about: they make a woman want to crawl into the nearest manhole and take up residence there.

they are more 'woman' than a woman. it's amazing.


eh girls we lose to the 'women' leh. and we're the real women. how do they out-bitch us, out hiao us, and out-glam us?


-shake head-

insomnia

insomnia. i don't have that problem.

but oddly enough, i am sleeping at 2 am these few days. hum. things kept me up
like chatting online. hair-cutting.

you know? it's not like i'm lying in bed, staring at the back of my eyelids wondering what that splotch is going to evolve into. but i sleep late like everyone else.

i wonder why how i survive.


heh.

the mirror

as i looked into the mirror this evening, with a cigarette in hand, the possibility of me being one of those ciggie-toting ah lian aunties flashed across my mind.

didn't help that i had my overgrown hair tied up in a ponytail, with wisps of fringe trailing down the side of my face. it was late, i just got home from the office - i don't usually smoke but tonight i had managed to uncover my superbly stale ciggies from some obscure corner of my vanity and smoked it while chancing upon my humongous mirror.

hm. not pleasant.

now i understand why older women feel insecure about younger, more supple ones.


...do i really have to go through this phase in life?

words to listen to

words to listen to, to fall asleep with, but not words to believe in.

someone told me, just recently, that he'll 'make me a tai-tai'. i melted inside. how do i not smile at that statement, made so simply, meant as simply?

..but this sweetness came from this innocent boy, who, in his seeming naivete, hurt me when i thought i could trust him. and trust him i did - bad mistake.

i.. don't blame him. maybe he was just learning. about people, about life, you know? but why has it got to be me? is it so hard to find a person who you can rely on, trust without having to fear being betrayed?


and another said, 'i'll never forget you'.

...so you didn't. true that i left you. but so what? i'm sorry.

not sorry for you; sorry for us. all three of us and everyone else in between. i'm not ready. i'm... very happy to hear these words from you, i do. but i'm just not sure if i can trust these words. i'm sorry to have to say that.

if i could cry i will, but i suppose i've hardened into a husk, like a coconut, where the waters are locked inside. and even that, will later dry.

but ah, enough about me. what about you?

what do you see it this, eh?


what made you say these? inebriation? late nights that lower the guard?

love me. but love me discreetly.

weird

i was just looking through a siteful of weird news - and found 'odd' events ranging from 'pigs withstanding taser to avoid slaughter' and 'heart attack over ugly toupee' - even 'goat turns into brother's corpse'.

and i was wondering - why's that weird?

the pig's scared of death, as is every natural living thing, it's easy to have a heart attack when you're worked up and it's easy to understand how that kind of statements are made when people believe in black magic (nigeria). is it very hard to understand, really?

why is it weird when it's uncommon? does it mean if you cannot understand it you therefore should label it as 'weird'?

uncommon, yes. but weird - hmm.


think about it.

about poverty

yes. i'm poor.

because i tried to live the better life, tried to do so before i could afford it. the feeling of seeing tasty-looking bread on the glass shelves of bakeries down town and having to continually swallow - is not pleasant indeed.

but how could i have refused that chance, finally, when it presented itself to me? i wouldn't have said no even if i could. no. i'm happy with my choice. but the down side is that i will have to go through famine.

i'd considered borrowing some, but that'd be stupid. if i made that choice i have to bloody live with it.

alright. i can do this. i'm not used to but i can. time to learn how to cook and not poison myself in the process.


..i can. if not then there's always po chai. >:x

influence

influence. what is influence?

...it's the number of and/or kind of people who will take your word for it if you do give your reviews about someone or something or some place. and the more people who will listen to your views (i.e.: take it seriously and base their actions and/or judgements on that), the more influential you are.

and that comes from knowing the right people at the right places. all these add to your value. and of course, you should have some substance to back it all up most of the time. i say "most of the time" because sometimes, it's just easy when you have a sort of a charm and know enough people but say, don't know nothing about mathematics. or computers. you know?

but you know people who do. and that's when you put two and three together and get six. the extra one point from yourself, because you know how to get people together and create a team. and that in itself is the so-called "substance" that i'm talking about as well.

but i digress.


so influence: it does not matter if you know loads of people who are int he working class (for example) but what does is that they hold you in good regard. doesn't ahve to be "high" regard, "good" regard will do. and truly? when you're in that kind of position, it's hard not to get noticed. by the commonfolk, like me, by the "better ones".

and assuming you don't suddenly turn into a bumbling fool, chacnes are you'll get to be one of the "better ones" one day.


...and there's no need to fear that you aren't influential NOW. because it's something that will grow.

phantom skin

have you ever felt an itch on your chin when you chin's under local anesthesia?

had a toothache a couple days ago and had to go to the dentist. after the chap gave me a jab with a metal canistered thing in the mouth i couldn't feel my left chin and lip for about four hours after.

and it's weird, during that time, how i managed to get an itch and "feel" it, and scratched it and it "felt" good, relieved. don't ask me how, please. its' a certain contentment that my skin felt, like it's happy when i scratched on that spot. and funnily enough i seemed to be able to locate that spot and when i scratched it, all i consciously felt was pressure but there was this inkling of pleasure when i did.

weird, huh.

well, should you have the chance in the future to be under some numbing, you should try getting a serendipitous itch over there.

and then you may get what i mean. :P

realisation

it is with a little surprise that i realise i have grown a little pompous in my scribing.

i must tune it down.

online appeal

i don't quite understand why girls take half-naked pictures of themselves and post them all online. and the angles that you don't normally show people - weird that those are shown. it's all those cute shots and/or sexual ones.

what is THAT all about?


if it's cute i understand. but somehow, they look like they're trying to get people to bid for them. and if that's the objective just why on earth are they giving out free samplers like that? it would make sense to make people pay, no? take pictures of self in underwear adn post online to up the 'friends' quota? hello?

little wonder how the world's coming to an end... there's no need for tsunamis or plagues - sheer human stupidity will work. it's really ben si.


then there are the boys who want to look like anime characters with only one eye. i mean, dye your hair ash brown by all means but good heavens when your pictures are done so your face only shows ONE eye - that's freaky. and they think it's cute.

i mean, i'm not exagerrating here: the kid actually put four of his pictures together, ran it through some funky filters in photoshop and typed in "Cutie [name here] ^O^" - that's just impossible to overlook lah.

girls who want to look japanese are also guilty of this. if you're trying to do things like that, my advice is: don't. it takes a certain kind of face to pull off the hamster look.



i don't understand this. if you're a jap girl wannabe, then i suppose you would.