intense revelation

oooh ye gods betrayal again!

my hairs stood on end just seeing that word turn over in my mind.


-shudder-

and it's happened to my dear friend. the next time i see warren, i'm going to slap him. and if it's dill, whomever dill is (i'm assuming the full name to be dillon) - i'll slap him too. ask questions later.

ning(4) ke(3) sha(1) cuo(4) bu(4) ke(4) fang(4) guo(4)


nabeh i'll dislocate his jaw then slap him senseless. goody if he's stunned, i'll probably trip him them grind my heels deliciously into his joooooooooooooooooooocy groin.

UUUUURGH SQUARE-JAWED DICK FOR A BRAIN!


if i had a wooden bed of razors embedded into the grain of the wood i will have warren slide on it and have that slut with the itchy shame for a cunt lie at one end, bound and de-voiceboxed so warren can slide into her lap, just as she had liked.

yeah, i'm going to personally cut her vocal cords.






and when i'm done with warren, i'll make her sit on that razored plank.


and push into warren's face.

someone please tell me my imagination's running wild here but i have the funny feeling that he likes something hairy in his face.

i just hope he likes it sliced.

i met someone today 2

and so.

ahem.


pardon, i got sidetracked by the world's vermin.

now as i was saying. i met two of my favourite people today, yesterday. and i wish i had met the last one, too.

jas had been at work and couldn't possibly come meet us but it sucked to hear her sounding a tad down. how are you jas? are you alright?


is everything okay?

call, if anything. i'll be up anyway. even if i weren't i will be when you call. :D


but seriously, anytime, sweet jas, i'll be willing to hear your voice and listen to your words. please be fine. i worry about you sometimes, for you are too strong. it's alright to be weak sometimes, for it gives the people who care about you a chance to care about you.

we may walk different paths now, sometimes what we say may not even make sense to the other, the fashion the drinks the music the lifestyle may sound all greek to each other but that doesn't change the fact that i'm bothered when you're bothered. and i bet it's the same with the other two.

so... er, well.



if you wish to preserve privacy that's alright too, just let me know that you're 'alright'. and if things are just dandy and truly so, please tell me things're 'okay'.

but knowing you, you'd probably say something else meaning something in between. or that you're 'just tired'.

whichever you choose to say, it's alright. i don't have to know what's bothering you, just know that i'm around if you need someone to talk to.

...though granted, jenn'd be the more grounded one and i'd be irreverently irrelevant (if that's your cup of tea, of course). and su'd probably threaten to kill whomever with her killer heels or anything equivalent.


so while i had met the two brwonderful (br-illiant + wonderful, pronounced as 'brr-wonderful, or simply broo-wonderful) ladies i had met andrew, too.

it's a joy to see him. subtly different from from the kind of joy derived from seeing the three powerpuffs.

hum. and i'm happy. :)


so... while cynics and critics say otherwise, people can survive on love and fresh air when they're in love sometimes. just sometimes.

and right now, i'm in love with you. all three of you.


..plus one more, of course. :P

i met someone today

i met someone today - yesterday.

i met a friend, then another. first i met jenn; it felt like i had been parched for years and hadn't known it, until i saw her again.

it's weird, to just want to stare at her and listen to her. i may be in love. (hum)


and then i met su. i wondered how she was when i saw her. she displayed some chocolates (some of which i had a high just by sniffing at - this's what jas'd say 'packs a punch' at) and seemed very well. i had the same feeling when i gazed at her talk.

i'm just somehow very proud to have these two people about, to know these people and i know i can call them 'mine'. obscurely.

if you're reading this, jenn, su, and are freaked, i'm sorry.


but how sorry can i be, when it is the way i feel about you? i'd wanted to hold you both tight and become a cave for you so you needn't face the damn storm.

i know you need to grow, facing challenges and taking tumbles - but i hate every minute of knowing any one of you is feeling less than 'fine'. if i knew voodoo whomever's hurt jenn before'd be dead. and i know for sure warren'd be.

(or at least i presume it's warren, for that's the last chap su's been seeing.)


and the mangy whore of a daughter of a jellyfish. may she be washed ashore and slowly bake to salted crab feed, (assuming there's a girl, of course). and may the crabs be wise enough to know not to touch things that may cause stomach upset, scavengers though they may be.

pollution does nobody good. especially not crabs, the poor things. they have to walk on the same level as salt-encrusted invertebrates. oh, my heart aches for those crustaceans.


bah. maybe i won't step on the beach for a few decades, it offends me to know my dog-chewed shoestrings may touch salty-jellyfishied waters.


and if warren, if it was warren, who had caused the hurt that spurred those words on su's blog, may you rot on the white line of some tarred road where toads ride their invisible bikes going 'bing bing'.

and may there be many, many such toads.


and may that happen long before you die, but after you got unfortunately stuck on the white line on the road and after charlotte church has moved into the vicinity.

deliberations

i've wondered, sometimes, how some people can write about anything and it turns out beautifully worded.

it enthralls, makes you read on, page by page. easy reading.


and sometimes, when i read those, i get jealous. how can they write something provocative about crossing one's fingers and turning on one's temperamental computer, hoping to the heavens above that it will be in a good mood?

what did they do, read, see to think and talk like that?

HOW did they even WANT to talk like that? it seems pretty pre-programmed into our brains that we speak how we speak wtihout even thinking about it, without the plan to deliciously mislead, confuse and waylay presumptious thoughts.


so how do i elicit 'how clever!'s from people reading my works?

reinventing oneself, reinventing how i speak how i communicate how i look at the world which MUST be if not refreshingly then vastly different from anyone else's thoughts.

maybe that's how writers come to be 'eccentric'. maybe it's just harder to understand because you didn't manage to catch the nuances that the other person caught.

sometimes people have 'moodswings' because something you hadn't noticed affected them. might be something you had said, might have been something he/she saw.

he/she might have hated purple-coloured cars because he's had a nasty uncle who owned a purplish pick-up. and now that he's rich and famous (or not) he's developed an intense dislike for all things purple. and maybe when he's happily chatting with you the waiter served you two ice-cream in purple glass cups.

and suddenly he doesn't like ice-cream anymore.


..it's not he doesn't like ice-cream, it is not evne the cup that he doesn't like.

it's the (ctrl-i)colour(ctrl-i) that he doesn't like. capisce?


and poor you, you probably didn't even know because he never said.

moodswings. bah. whomever coined that term probably hasn't heard of minute-detail-affected-ism.

..alright so there's no such thing. but you know what i'm talking about.


the best thing to ask when someone's having 'moodswings' (-schmoodschwings) is probably 'what's wrong'?

on alcohol

alcohol makes a person less inhibited, you all know that.

everything is clear, methinks, when you drink.



am i an alcoholic? no, i must say i am not. merely a person who appreciates the virtues of the lack of temperance.

christmas an' all

it is thus christmas.

25th of december and present-giving an' all. yeah yeah new year's in five days' time.


this christmas is rather different, i think. other christmases i'd have partied my eyeballs out in some club. but this time... it's oddly domestic. like i'm finally understanding the importance of family (those who had known me long enough will know that i hate spending time with anything remotely related by blood to me. other than my cousins and a particular set of niece and nephew, of course).

and thus i had spent christmas eve hanging out with someone special, doing idyll nothing. visited my mother, a coupla days before, in malapropos mention, under the pretense that we have to get together to celebrate this festival called the dumpling-eating day. or something like that.

(it's a ploy to introduce someone new to some auntie i call 'ma'. i'm sure you saw right through it!)



so... we attended church service on x'mas eve and then we headed home to sleep (vastly different from my previous encounters). we were supposed to go blading at east coast park, but well...

and we also did nothing on christmas day. attended church then did nothing then hung out with fellow church chap at east coast park. heh

had a great time though, he went there with family (three little girls! all sweet-faced angels!) and dawg. gosh, had such a great time! really pleasant christmas, this.

lovely.



..i must be getting old.

christmas barbecue indoors

spent a pre-x'mas barbecue at my cousin's. pretty nice.

ah boy was there too, he thought i looked domestic coughing by the barbecue pit. hum. men are odd.


spotted one sexy girl and another cutie boy. but well. all are students, what do they know about life. heh.

met yoyo again today. quite pleasant.

merry christmas, people!

on concern

a friend of mine i used to fight with is stricken with the mysterious ailment of the heart.

and by the looks of it she's strong enough to survive the fester.


don't know what caused it, don't quite know how to cure it, but i've a good pack of indonesian tea and cookies. maybe we can have tea some time, watch the rain with me. :)

i'll get high grade cream.

self-preservation

heh.

one thing i hadn't done this time round was to introduce my squeeze to my blogsite.

and i reckon that's a smart thing to do. i don't how you mine you don't show me yours.


i will need a private halcyon where only friends have access to. sorry pal, sometimes being a 'friend' is the highest priviledge. not husband not boyfriend possibly not even parent.

so who said 'just a friend' is a vague insult, meant to brush someone off as a persona non grata?

thus beware should someone say this to you, especially if it's someone you're romantically involved with.

that 'just a friend' might be more than just that.

leaf in the water

oft times i wonder: where does life want to take me? do i float like a leaf in a meandering river, offering no resistance or do i ever-so-slightly angle myself towards wherever that does not make a difference to me?

i may be heading to the US in a coupla months' time, hadn't told anyone about it yet. not after the plans-for-shanghai-that-never-came lesson. heh. especially not the boy, no.

career is important. i need to build it. if he is willing he will come; if not he will stay. and maybe cause some heartache and many many tears then. hum.


i don't quite dare think, this. tickets to the US aren't all that cheap. if it were shanghai then maybe. otherwise...

too soon to worry, too soon to think. christmas is here, let's all not be bothered.

mmhm!

i had lost the ability to write, it seems, upon finding happiness. much like how a poet needs his pain i suppose i need my daily dose of agony. this chap, it seems, takes away the need to do so and somehow has turned me into this ridiculously happy goofball.

i mean, i can still function but it is harder to focus on things sometimes. like work. the all-important money-bringing thing that some men wear ties to do every day. facing grouchy customers (i'm doing customer service now as well, apparently) is one thing but it doesn't get me down. you know what i mean? i fume about it for a while then get over it and resume being happy. i mean, where's the fire and discontent that i need to rave with? the anger, the EEEENGST?

gosh.


but as they say, when a charbor wants to kaopeh she will kaopeh.

so i'm happy. sure, there were times when i vehemently say 'men suck!' and there's this one occasion that he had made me cry - but that one time compared to the countless times The Other Bloke That Was had done so - doesn't count for anything. this man almost has nothing for me to complain about.

almost.


...there are things i truly do not know about him, and it's not the 'oh i don't know your shoe size' and 'i haven't been to your place' kind of thing. it might be something crucial, too. for one reason best untold (it's jasmine), i decided to trust him.

not easy sometimes, and pretty damn hard when he's difficult. worse, when he says things like 'it's a secret.'


and i won't ask. i had grown quite apprehensive of questions since the last time i tried. things i should know but i shouldn't know, you get what i mean?


like my man's undying love for an ex who keeps hanging about.

gosh that cut me deep.


i'm sure this current one is something else altogether and i'm determined not to walk that road again. maybe i'll fall another time, get a couple more bruises. but that's life, isn't it?

a little like learning how to blade. you know where you're headed but you feel so damn wobbly and you're so frickin' scared of falling because life hasn't thought of giving you all tough plastic knee guards - it's a little like life being personified into an idiot and experimenting with you, the puppet who goes onto the rough tarmac road and scrapes himself.



...okay negativity's over.

i'm in love. with a man that's not perfect. what's more beautiful than that?

jitters

for the first time in a long time, i fear.

that this may be another dead end, that this lover at my door is going to be another heartache on my list. maybe this is a stream that i have to ford, another rock i have to climb.

having fallen once before and skinned more than just my knees - i don't quite know what to say.



should i say anything? should i grin and bear it, let things slide? after all, those are small matters.

what's a small thing and what isn't?

i wonder.