i went out with mikey today, met two new ladies and a whole bunch of boys.
we had drinks, we went to dota, we had fun.
and it was a nice day.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Sunday, March 02, 2008
sunday
sunday. wow, it's fast. i held on to saturday, i did! and when i woke sunday was halfway gone.
i'd called a friend when i woke, we had a chat. it was a nice thing i had done, to call. though... i probably shouldn't have.
wow, i had been having the sense that i lack direction again. i mean, what i do is very nice and all, but it hardly makes me think. i like the fact that i am up to date with everything going on around the world but... i have to say that unless i'm trading, it's probably not a really good place to be. hm. i wonder if ..i wonder if a certain friend's mother -
haha
it's a friend's mom, for crying out loud. why'd i be bothered about someone else's mom? i feel so tired suddenly. it's strange that i should be contemplating how to fall on a chopstick and have it pierce my heart. lol heart kebab!
i wonder what the surgeons would say.
surgeon one: "sheesh, young people these days! and chopsticks! ever heard of knives? tsk."
surgeon two: "yeah, stupid kid. kids these days think that hearts are easy to mend. ever tried to fix a skewered plastic bottle?! with chambers built in??"
anaesthetist: "you guys think you have it tough, but we who play support roles have to make sure the person's still sustained. chemicals, bah!" -curses-
(an argument ensues, ending with the anaesthetist thumping his mask on the floor)
hm. i wonder if that would then convince me that i do indeed have my heart with me, here, in my chest. it's been nowhere else but here. i can feel it beat, can't i?
i wonder if i'm spiraling out of control like britney spiralled out of control. i'm still pretty together, aren't i? the gloom i'd chucked into the rubbish bin, i'm going out and getting more air, i'm still working...
haha phone call. it will be good to focus on someone else for a while. i've got love to give, here. let me give it to someone who's willing to receive. : )
i think it's time for me to move out, too. move on out, move along. somewhere else, hey. :) babes, if you hear of places out for rent at a reasonable price, do let me know. it's time i moved on out.
i'd called a friend when i woke, we had a chat. it was a nice thing i had done, to call. though... i probably shouldn't have.
wow, i had been having the sense that i lack direction again. i mean, what i do is very nice and all, but it hardly makes me think. i like the fact that i am up to date with everything going on around the world but... i have to say that unless i'm trading, it's probably not a really good place to be. hm. i wonder if ..i wonder if a certain friend's mother -
haha
it's a friend's mom, for crying out loud. why'd i be bothered about someone else's mom? i feel so tired suddenly. it's strange that i should be contemplating how to fall on a chopstick and have it pierce my heart. lol heart kebab!
i wonder what the surgeons would say.
surgeon one: "sheesh, young people these days! and chopsticks! ever heard of knives? tsk."
surgeon two: "yeah, stupid kid. kids these days think that hearts are easy to mend. ever tried to fix a skewered plastic bottle?! with chambers built in??"
anaesthetist: "you guys think you have it tough, but we who play support roles have to make sure the person's still sustained. chemicals, bah!" -curses-
(an argument ensues, ending with the anaesthetist thumping his mask on the floor)
hm. i wonder if that would then convince me that i do indeed have my heart with me, here, in my chest. it's been nowhere else but here. i can feel it beat, can't i?
i wonder if i'm spiraling out of control like britney spiralled out of control. i'm still pretty together, aren't i? the gloom i'd chucked into the rubbish bin, i'm going out and getting more air, i'm still working...
haha phone call. it will be good to focus on someone else for a while. i've got love to give, here. let me give it to someone who's willing to receive. : )
i think it's time for me to move out, too. move on out, move along. somewhere else, hey. :) babes, if you hear of places out for rent at a reasonable price, do let me know. it's time i moved on out.
fight
i fought with a friend today. over some other friend's rudeness.
i was quite upset, suffice to say.
another friend advised me... that maybe i perceive everything as a slight towards me because of my childhood (she knows probably as much as the girls know) and thinking about it, there may be possibility that it might be true. the way i keep the office clean, the way i buy food for the office; the way i seem to be amassing friends to be family...
maybe that's why i am this picky when i choose my friends who i am very protective of. maybe that's also why i get hurt more easily than most.
..yeah, that might be why after i get hurt i realise that they're not family, but friends. then i realise that even family members fight sometimes, and that's the only idea i have towards friends, trying to keep them as family. a great deal of the time i flounder, because i don't quite know what to expect.
quite a bit of the time i watch, try to be happy with just being there and trying to fit in so i don't cause too many ripples or dead silences, so i can simply be in the same environment as my friends without disturbing them too much as i know i sometimes make people uncomfortable. heh.
it's a bit like keeping goldfish in a bowl, somewhat detached, but longing to be inside of the bowl with your beloved "fish" - and when you finally do immerse yourself in the same waters, you are a little bit antsy, a little bit careful, a little excited and at the same time delighted that these "fish" are the same "fish" you are; that you have actually known them practically all your life. so why does it feel like i am the kind of fish that gets out of the bowl and walks on twos sometimes?
how come so many people do not understand what i say?
tone? pitch? words? methinks i may have to type every thought i have into bite-sized little pieces and have every possible little quibble mapped out and nailed with precise words so very literal minds can read them and understand - on the surface - what those words are trying to translate into.
not you, probably. you probably understand what i'm trying to say, because you give extra thought, like thinking, "what happened," or "why does she say this," or something to the like.
then again, maybe you don't. haha
..fish. "fish". i'm one too, so why does it feel like i'm in a bowl - "bowl" - one so very different from yours? so vastly different.
i was quite upset, suffice to say.
another friend advised me... that maybe i perceive everything as a slight towards me because of my childhood (she knows probably as much as the girls know) and thinking about it, there may be possibility that it might be true. the way i keep the office clean, the way i buy food for the office; the way i seem to be amassing friends to be family...
maybe that's why i am this picky when i choose my friends who i am very protective of. maybe that's also why i get hurt more easily than most.
..yeah, that might be why after i get hurt i realise that they're not family, but friends. then i realise that even family members fight sometimes, and that's the only idea i have towards friends, trying to keep them as family. a great deal of the time i flounder, because i don't quite know what to expect.
quite a bit of the time i watch, try to be happy with just being there and trying to fit in so i don't cause too many ripples or dead silences, so i can simply be in the same environment as my friends without disturbing them too much as i know i sometimes make people uncomfortable. heh.
it's a bit like keeping goldfish in a bowl, somewhat detached, but longing to be inside of the bowl with your beloved "fish" - and when you finally do immerse yourself in the same waters, you are a little bit antsy, a little bit careful, a little excited and at the same time delighted that these "fish" are the same "fish" you are; that you have actually known them practically all your life. so why does it feel like i am the kind of fish that gets out of the bowl and walks on twos sometimes?
how come so many people do not understand what i say?
tone? pitch? words? methinks i may have to type every thought i have into bite-sized little pieces and have every possible little quibble mapped out and nailed with precise words so very literal minds can read them and understand - on the surface - what those words are trying to translate into.
not you, probably. you probably understand what i'm trying to say, because you give extra thought, like thinking, "what happened," or "why does she say this," or something to the like.
then again, maybe you don't. haha
..fish. "fish". i'm one too, so why does it feel like i'm in a bowl - "bowl" - one so very different from yours? so vastly different.
Friday, February 29, 2008
friday!
phew. it's finally friday! not that my work is very strenuous, but when you have to go phone number hunting for people like anwar and mahathir - wow. international calling codes CAN be pretty infuriating.
then i have to make contact with various experts of the avian flu - a senior adviser of WHO for example, some directors/professors/doctors all based in various parts of indonesia. i have to speak with their organisations, flounder through with rudimentary bahasa...
then there may be times when people are just having lunch. and by the time they're done with lunch, i find out they don't speak english......
but it's fun. in fact, i get a buzz over the idea that i'm brushing metaphorical shoulders with these bigwigs. well. with their assistants, anyway. i don't know if it's a "high-flying job" as someone calls it, but it sure is fun!
then i have to make contact with various experts of the avian flu - a senior adviser of WHO for example, some directors/professors/doctors all based in various parts of indonesia. i have to speak with their organisations, flounder through with rudimentary bahasa...
then there may be times when people are just having lunch. and by the time they're done with lunch, i find out they don't speak english......
but it's fun. in fact, i get a buzz over the idea that i'm brushing metaphorical shoulders with these bigwigs. well. with their assistants, anyway. i don't know if it's a "high-flying job" as someone calls it, but it sure is fun!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
oh, oh!
oh yah! forgot to mention that i managed to get myself an item off the list of items that i was planning to get. :) :)
am happy. ^^
am happy. ^^
a little ragged 'round the edges
hm, i'd been a little tired lately for some reason. it might be the way i sleep, or it might be my hours... i'm thinking it might be the hours more than anything else, but oh good golly. i wish i felt rested!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
eventful day. ish.
sunday! yes, i spent sunday lazy. ahem. let me say that again. i spent sunday lazy.
mm, that's better. (doesn't do it for me without the italics, heh.)
well for starters i woke up an very nearly ten and felt like i had slept till noon - that was a good start to the day, considering i had pretty nice-odd dreams before i woke. i know i'll see those scenes again later on in life, when i'm 40 or something. but now i'm not 40 and 40 is going to be wonderful. :) i'm going to be very happy, isn't that great?
:D
ahem. so i gamed, won and lost, cursed, celebrated then wondered, albeit absent-mindedly amidst the exulted bellows of "OWNINNNG" from the computer, how come i'm only gaming and not doing something useful. i should be achieving something - anything - that will help me get on better in life, like, y'know, financial freedom. i mean, three ways, right.
1. i get a rich husband.
2. i invest.
3. i work. ahem. "work".
so... why i'm i at home and not doing something about it? i mean, take option one for example: if i were to go for option one i will need to go out and con some chubby young rich punk, yes? said punk won't come a-knocking on my door to deliver my macdonald's meal, yes? haha, but then maybe jasmine will say "not all rich young men are ugly" - and she'd be right. i'm grinning as i type this: jasmine? i hope for a nice young man for you. really. because i know you cannot survive a day being lesbian.
anyways. 'twas sunday and as sundays to, that "little" consideration for my life directions has been left aside.... for many more hours of gaming. it was quite pleasant, whiling my time away like that, and there was food when i wanted it - but at the end of it all, my eyes hurt and my butt felt like it's grown twice the size (my butt is the same size thankfully, though felt like it's grown to twice its size) - and i still have not achieved anything i deemed worthwhile.
it feels terrible! (might've something to do with having stared at the screen and my legs propped up in the most unlady-like manner for too long)
...but seriously. it felt and still does feel terrible, to not have achieved something worthwhile. i've youth and time on my side right now and it's not going to last bloody forever, y'know (those were the exact words that came from me, unexpectedly, that got myself off of my chair. funny, isn't it, how you get jolted off your seat by your own sensibility. it feels so natural coming from myself - i might feel a little odd about it if it came from someone else instead).
so i decided enough was enough and turned the computer off... to pick up a book that i had already read, out of the stack of many.
and i felt like "thick face, black heart" today. and that was what i read as i laid myself onto my bed, feeling the kinks ease themselves out of my back... i must not sit like that again for too long.
...it still surprises me now that whatever i had read many years back is what i'm still reading now, said in different ways, by different people, in different books. it's almost like someone's trying to tell me something and "the idea isn't bloody getting through, you dumb cow!"
i beg your pardon. well alright, so i need to know that i can create wealth with a snap of my fingers, just like that. and you - "you" are trying to tell me that i only need do it. want it and do it. i seem to be missing something here. will "you" help me, please? i'm sorry if i'm a bit thick in this case, but please do show me the way and let me be aware of it when it's being shown.
hmm. oh boy. this conversation with myself - if i can call it "myself" just like that - hmm. i don't ask that you make sense of this, but that you take it for what it is.
anyways. what i was mentioning is about preparing the self for greatness and wealth. i don't want to argue about religion and if there is a big Someone up there, and i speak for nobody but myself in this case: if we were made in His image as cited in Christian ideology, then we possess the very greatness and potential to bring out His Light and Glory.
whether you are a Christian or Muslim, atheist or agnostic or Buddhist -
we - We - are here for a purpose. you know it. you don't need the Bible or the Quran or your mother to tell you that. either you want to make a mark for yourself and you therefore know what you need/have to do, or you know, intrinsically, that you are here for a specific reason.
and what that might be you will know or find out because you will love what you do. true that there are some who do not know what they are there for, and they lament that it is a hard life and it will continue to be a hard life...
maybe these people do now know what joy is. or maybe they do, and they feel it but are merely too familiar with their unhappiness to move out of their nice uncomfortable little hole. i don't understand, really, for i know i'm pretty happy myself, despite having had something of a funky past before... or maybe this is exactly how they feel, because "it's what they know".
but unlike er, "them", i know i want something more. i want a home to call my own, own my property, be rich, be meaningfully and sufficiently busy but without having to rush nor be flustered and having enough time to sip my coffee and go for my walks - when people are in suits receiving salaries fixed by their companies -
hehe
i'm sorry, but hehe
maybe i have stepped onto a few tails here by my previous comment. i mean no offense - that is what i want in my life. i want to set my own salary, a nice big paycheck that is more than "sufficient" to pay my bills and whatnot. i want to be wealthy; i want to be mighty comfortable!
..if you are like me, however - you're searching for that something that makes you happy, gives you ridiculous amounts of joy that it never ever feels like work - well, congratulations, i think you are looking, searching, for the very reason you are here today. a certain jennifer is going to be a lawyer. a certain jasmi is - was? - a topnotch events person and a certain susan, is still searching. i'd like to think that i've a better idea than most, considering i'd bounced around for a bit, looking for the one that feels "right" but i don't know it with certainty yet, though i have to say i've a fair idea of what it might be.
and it's true. design and art and writing. what do i do tirelessly, effortlessly? why, writing and art, of course. i suck at design but i sure as heck can paint and write.
truth be told, i want to paint. i want i want i want to paint. i want to paint and i want to sing, i want to dance - those are my loves, i shall never tire. when i cannot dance anymore, i shall paint. i shall sculpt and i shall paint and i shall write, like i shall sing. all those things i will do, and do well.
hey.
you know what? i think i have found what i'm meant to do. really. i've always know i love to write. i've always know i love to sing and paint and dance - but i don't know it. you see? i didn't know it.
whaddya know, hey. i'm going to be rich!
mm, that's better. (doesn't do it for me without the italics, heh.)
well for starters i woke up an very nearly ten and felt like i had slept till noon - that was a good start to the day, considering i had pretty nice-odd dreams before i woke. i know i'll see those scenes again later on in life, when i'm 40 or something. but now i'm not 40 and 40 is going to be wonderful. :) i'm going to be very happy, isn't that great?
:D
ahem. so i gamed, won and lost, cursed, celebrated then wondered, albeit absent-mindedly amidst the exulted bellows of "OWNINNNG" from the computer, how come i'm only gaming and not doing something useful. i should be achieving something - anything - that will help me get on better in life, like, y'know, financial freedom. i mean, three ways, right.
1. i get a rich husband.
2. i invest.
3. i work. ahem. "work".
so... why i'm i at home and not doing something about it? i mean, take option one for example: if i were to go for option one i will need to go out and con some chubby young rich punk, yes? said punk won't come a-knocking on my door to deliver my macdonald's meal, yes? haha, but then maybe jasmine will say "not all rich young men are ugly" - and she'd be right. i'm grinning as i type this: jasmine? i hope for a nice young man for you. really. because i know you cannot survive a day being lesbian.
anyways. 'twas sunday and as sundays to, that "little" consideration for my life directions has been left aside.... for many more hours of gaming. it was quite pleasant, whiling my time away like that, and there was food when i wanted it - but at the end of it all, my eyes hurt and my butt felt like it's grown twice the size (my butt is the same size thankfully, though felt like it's grown to twice its size) - and i still have not achieved anything i deemed worthwhile.
it feels terrible! (might've something to do with having stared at the screen and my legs propped up in the most unlady-like manner for too long)
...but seriously. it felt and still does feel terrible, to not have achieved something worthwhile. i've youth and time on my side right now and it's not going to last bloody forever, y'know (those were the exact words that came from me, unexpectedly, that got myself off of my chair. funny, isn't it, how you get jolted off your seat by your own sensibility. it feels so natural coming from myself - i might feel a little odd about it if it came from someone else instead).
so i decided enough was enough and turned the computer off... to pick up a book that i had already read, out of the stack of many.
and i felt like "thick face, black heart" today. and that was what i read as i laid myself onto my bed, feeling the kinks ease themselves out of my back... i must not sit like that again for too long.
...it still surprises me now that whatever i had read many years back is what i'm still reading now, said in different ways, by different people, in different books. it's almost like someone's trying to tell me something and "the idea isn't bloody getting through, you dumb cow!"
i beg your pardon. well alright, so i need to know that i can create wealth with a snap of my fingers, just like that. and you - "you" are trying to tell me that i only need do it. want it and do it. i seem to be missing something here. will "you" help me, please? i'm sorry if i'm a bit thick in this case, but please do show me the way and let me be aware of it when it's being shown.
hmm. oh boy. this conversation with myself - if i can call it "myself" just like that - hmm. i don't ask that you make sense of this, but that you take it for what it is.
anyways. what i was mentioning is about preparing the self for greatness and wealth. i don't want to argue about religion and if there is a big Someone up there, and i speak for nobody but myself in this case: if we were made in His image as cited in Christian ideology, then we possess the very greatness and potential to bring out His Light and Glory.
whether you are a Christian or Muslim, atheist or agnostic or Buddhist -
we - We - are here for a purpose. you know it. you don't need the Bible or the Quran or your mother to tell you that. either you want to make a mark for yourself and you therefore know what you need/have to do, or you know, intrinsically, that you are here for a specific reason.
and what that might be you will know or find out because you will love what you do. true that there are some who do not know what they are there for, and they lament that it is a hard life and it will continue to be a hard life...
maybe these people do now know what joy is. or maybe they do, and they feel it but are merely too familiar with their unhappiness to move out of their nice uncomfortable little hole. i don't understand, really, for i know i'm pretty happy myself, despite having had something of a funky past before... or maybe this is exactly how they feel, because "it's what they know".
but unlike er, "them", i know i want something more. i want a home to call my own, own my property, be rich, be meaningfully and sufficiently busy but without having to rush nor be flustered and having enough time to sip my coffee and go for my walks - when people are in suits receiving salaries fixed by their companies -
hehe
i'm sorry, but hehe
maybe i have stepped onto a few tails here by my previous comment. i mean no offense - that is what i want in my life. i want to set my own salary, a nice big paycheck that is more than "sufficient" to pay my bills and whatnot. i want to be wealthy; i want to be mighty comfortable!
..if you are like me, however - you're searching for that something that makes you happy, gives you ridiculous amounts of joy that it never ever feels like work - well, congratulations, i think you are looking, searching, for the very reason you are here today. a certain jennifer is going to be a lawyer. a certain jasmi is - was? - a topnotch events person and a certain susan, is still searching. i'd like to think that i've a better idea than most, considering i'd bounced around for a bit, looking for the one that feels "right" but i don't know it with certainty yet, though i have to say i've a fair idea of what it might be.
they say that if you are doing something you are placed in this world to do, not only will you do it wonderfully, you will do it joyously and you will do it tirelessly.
and it's true. design and art and writing. what do i do tirelessly, effortlessly? why, writing and art, of course. i suck at design but i sure as heck can paint and write.
truth be told, i want to paint. i want i want i want to paint. i want to paint and i want to sing, i want to dance - those are my loves, i shall never tire. when i cannot dance anymore, i shall paint. i shall sculpt and i shall paint and i shall write, like i shall sing. all those things i will do, and do well.
hey.
you know what? i think i have found what i'm meant to do. really. i've always know i love to write. i've always know i love to sing and paint and dance - but i don't know it. you see? i didn't know it.
whaddya know, hey. i'm going to be rich!
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