crystal ball

sometimes i wonder, what is this itch that grows from within my being? the propulsion that happens inside of me every now and then, that tells me that i need to do something more, because i can?

i realised, today, that hey, i've learnt some stuffs about the world in general, and that's the kinda stuff that most others won't have, nor want to talk to you about because they know squat about them. i mean, politics and economy?? and sometimes because i know a little bit more than others do the conversation becomes stilted, cause nobody really can carry on a conversation without additional ammo, so to speak, to carry on with.

i know, because it's happening more and more often. not because i know a great deal, of course, but because whatever i know they don't know and whatever they know i don't. it also does not help when i get conversation fodder like fashion, who's worn what, which's the newest watch, where the swarovski-studded shoes are, suchlike.

i mean, what happened to topics like how to run a business, for example? how to rear fish? how to invest, what various financial tools are, how to manage people, how to deal with tough customers, how to keep the company's reputation up - this kind of topics? whatever happened to those?

i'd love to listen to these. but do i get them?


noooo.

i get things like:-

• the weather - which is alright as long as they're talking about typhoons, taiwan, ike, after they get past singapore's roiling humidity
• fashion - which i like but don't follow like a KARL LAGERFELD stalker
• parties - superficial. why talk about them when you only need to turn up and attend them? i personally don't see the point of saying "oh hey, were you there at the party last night?" when if you were not too busy getting bloody drunk you most probably would know whether he/she was at the party or not. and if you weren't drunk? what're you trying to prove to whomever's within earshot of your query? that you have a life? please.
• who's snogged whom - does it really matter to you??? if it does i'm saying do something about it, and fast.


so i do nothing but sit on my arse and read articles. precisely because i do nothing but sit on my arse and read articles. i like my job, but somehow, just somehow, it gets a little bit stagnant.

so what is it, God? why am i there for, other than resting and taking the necessary step of cutting some people loose and then healing from there, where privacy is allowed and independence is unapologetically granted? will You let me know when i am to move on, Sir?

Right now i am at peace, mostly. the sense that something should be happening is assailing me and i need some action at the workplace, action wherein i may feel good about. not that i don't feel good about my work now Lord, but that it's... wow. i need something more.

give me something more, Lord, more responsibility. let me learn. let me venture and speak with people, interact with people and good heavens, please show me the boundaries so i may push them! i have energy, i can commit, but let it be worthwhile and interesting!

let me leave the ratrace having enjoyed every moment of it. in Jesus' Name i pray, amen.