i went out with the girls today.
it was awkward at the beginning for some reason... it's almost as if i rubbed everybody the wrong way and as a result i was, quite a large part of the time, unsure if i would make matters worse by saying anything.
and no, i'm not normally bothered by other peoples' views and/or reactions to me, but these are the people who i am supposed to love, for better or for worse.
it's hurtful to be snapped at repeatedly, i hope i'm just being sensitive and "cannot take joke one" - i had considered leaving earlier: if i only serve to upset people, then it's best that i'm not there. that way both sides don't get aggravated and this saturday will be more enjoyable.
very thankfully though, it ended in a nicer, more familiar manner and i'm glad we feel like friends again. i just hope this isn't what i should be looking out for each time we go out though - it'd be a shame if it were.
come to think of it though ...even if it were, i'll probably still choose to love them. shut up and love them, pei, because that's what you know you'll do when it comes to them.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
saturday
i'd savoured today. well, i woke from a dream - nightmare - about exams. yeah, i was in anderson in my funky almost-turquoise pinafore, sitting in the classroom with gray plastic chairs and desks and waiting for the exam to start. my classmates were walking about, talking excitedly, worriedly.
i recall trying to call out to one of them, just so i'm talking too, but i couldn't for the life of me remember their names. so in the end, i didn't, because i realised that i was amidst strangers. it's so odd, that one. i remembered the anxiety of the dream... funny how it comes back to haunt me and various others at different points in their lives.
traumatising, exams. they should be abolished.
i recall trying to call out to one of them, just so i'm talking too, but i couldn't for the life of me remember their names. so in the end, i didn't, because i realised that i was amidst strangers. it's so odd, that one. i remembered the anxiety of the dream... funny how it comes back to haunt me and various others at different points in their lives.
traumatising, exams. they should be abolished.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
eventful day. ish.
sunday! yes, i spent sunday lazy. ahem. let me say that again. i spent sunday lazy.
mm, that's better. (doesn't do it for me without the italics, heh.)
well for starters i woke up an very nearly ten and felt like i had slept till noon - that was a good start to the day, considering i had pretty nice-odd dreams before i woke. i know i'll see those scenes again later on in life, when i'm 40 or something. but now i'm not 40 and 40 is going to be wonderful. :) i'm going to be very happy, isn't that great?
:D
ahem. so i gamed, won and lost, cursed, celebrated then wondered, albeit absent-mindedly amidst the exulted bellows of "OWNINNNG" from the computer, how come i'm only gaming and not doing something useful. i should be achieving something - anything - that will help me get on better in life, like, y'know, financial freedom. i mean, three ways, right.
1. i get a rich husband.
2. i invest.
3. i work. ahem. "work".
so... why i'm i at home and not doing something about it? i mean, take option one for example: if i were to go for option one i will need to go out and con some chubby young rich punk, yes? said punk won't come a-knocking on my door to deliver my macdonald's meal, yes? haha, but then maybe jasmine will say "not all rich young men are ugly" - and she'd be right. i'm grinning as i type this: jasmine? i hope for a nice young man for you. really. because i know you cannot survive a day being lesbian.
anyways. 'twas sunday and as sundays to, that "little" consideration for my life directions has been left aside.... for many more hours of gaming. it was quite pleasant, whiling my time away like that, and there was food when i wanted it - but at the end of it all, my eyes hurt and my butt felt like it's grown twice the size (my butt is the same size thankfully, though felt like it's grown to twice its size) - and i still have not achieved anything i deemed worthwhile.
it feels terrible! (might've something to do with having stared at the screen and my legs propped up in the most unlady-like manner for too long)
...but seriously. it felt and still does feel terrible, to not have achieved something worthwhile. i've youth and time on my side right now and it's not going to last bloody forever, y'know (those were the exact words that came from me, unexpectedly, that got myself off of my chair. funny, isn't it, how you get jolted off your seat by your own sensibility. it feels so natural coming from myself - i might feel a little odd about it if it came from someone else instead).
so i decided enough was enough and turned the computer off... to pick up a book that i had already read, out of the stack of many.
and i felt like "thick face, black heart" today. and that was what i read as i laid myself onto my bed, feeling the kinks ease themselves out of my back... i must not sit like that again for too long.
...it still surprises me now that whatever i had read many years back is what i'm still reading now, said in different ways, by different people, in different books. it's almost like someone's trying to tell me something and "the idea isn't bloody getting through, you dumb cow!"
i beg your pardon. well alright, so i need to know that i can create wealth with a snap of my fingers, just like that. and you - "you" are trying to tell me that i only need do it. want it and do it. i seem to be missing something here. will "you" help me, please? i'm sorry if i'm a bit thick in this case, but please do show me the way and let me be aware of it when it's being shown.
hmm. oh boy. this conversation with myself - if i can call it "myself" just like that - hmm. i don't ask that you make sense of this, but that you take it for what it is.
anyways. what i was mentioning is about preparing the self for greatness and wealth. i don't want to argue about religion and if there is a big Someone up there, and i speak for nobody but myself in this case: if we were made in His image as cited in Christian ideology, then we possess the very greatness and potential to bring out His Light and Glory.
whether you are a Christian or Muslim, atheist or agnostic or Buddhist -
we - We - are here for a purpose. you know it. you don't need the Bible or the Quran or your mother to tell you that. either you want to make a mark for yourself and you therefore know what you need/have to do, or you know, intrinsically, that you are here for a specific reason.
and what that might be you will know or find out because you will love what you do. true that there are some who do not know what they are there for, and they lament that it is a hard life and it will continue to be a hard life...
maybe these people do now know what joy is. or maybe they do, and they feel it but are merely too familiar with their unhappiness to move out of their nice uncomfortable little hole. i don't understand, really, for i know i'm pretty happy myself, despite having had something of a funky past before... or maybe this is exactly how they feel, because "it's what they know".
but unlike er, "them", i know i want something more. i want a home to call my own, own my property, be rich, be meaningfully and sufficiently busy but without having to rush nor be flustered and having enough time to sip my coffee and go for my walks - when people are in suits receiving salaries fixed by their companies -
hehe
i'm sorry, but hehe
maybe i have stepped onto a few tails here by my previous comment. i mean no offense - that is what i want in my life. i want to set my own salary, a nice big paycheck that is more than "sufficient" to pay my bills and whatnot. i want to be wealthy; i want to be mighty comfortable!
..if you are like me, however - you're searching for that something that makes you happy, gives you ridiculous amounts of joy that it never ever feels like work - well, congratulations, i think you are looking, searching, for the very reason you are here today. a certain jennifer is going to be a lawyer. a certain jasmi is - was? - a topnotch events person and a certain susan, is still searching. i'd like to think that i've a better idea than most, considering i'd bounced around for a bit, looking for the one that feels "right" but i don't know it with certainty yet, though i have to say i've a fair idea of what it might be.
and it's true. design and art and writing. what do i do tirelessly, effortlessly? why, writing and art, of course. i suck at design but i sure as heck can paint and write.
truth be told, i want to paint. i want i want i want to paint. i want to paint and i want to sing, i want to dance - those are my loves, i shall never tire. when i cannot dance anymore, i shall paint. i shall sculpt and i shall paint and i shall write, like i shall sing. all those things i will do, and do well.
hey.
you know what? i think i have found what i'm meant to do. really. i've always know i love to write. i've always know i love to sing and paint and dance - but i don't know it. you see? i didn't know it.
whaddya know, hey. i'm going to be rich!
mm, that's better. (doesn't do it for me without the italics, heh.)
well for starters i woke up an very nearly ten and felt like i had slept till noon - that was a good start to the day, considering i had pretty nice-odd dreams before i woke. i know i'll see those scenes again later on in life, when i'm 40 or something. but now i'm not 40 and 40 is going to be wonderful. :) i'm going to be very happy, isn't that great?
:D
ahem. so i gamed, won and lost, cursed, celebrated then wondered, albeit absent-mindedly amidst the exulted bellows of "OWNINNNG" from the computer, how come i'm only gaming and not doing something useful. i should be achieving something - anything - that will help me get on better in life, like, y'know, financial freedom. i mean, three ways, right.
1. i get a rich husband.
2. i invest.
3. i work. ahem. "work".
so... why i'm i at home and not doing something about it? i mean, take option one for example: if i were to go for option one i will need to go out and con some chubby young rich punk, yes? said punk won't come a-knocking on my door to deliver my macdonald's meal, yes? haha, but then maybe jasmine will say "not all rich young men are ugly" - and she'd be right. i'm grinning as i type this: jasmine? i hope for a nice young man for you. really. because i know you cannot survive a day being lesbian.
anyways. 'twas sunday and as sundays to, that "little" consideration for my life directions has been left aside.... for many more hours of gaming. it was quite pleasant, whiling my time away like that, and there was food when i wanted it - but at the end of it all, my eyes hurt and my butt felt like it's grown twice the size (my butt is the same size thankfully, though felt like it's grown to twice its size) - and i still have not achieved anything i deemed worthwhile.
it feels terrible! (might've something to do with having stared at the screen and my legs propped up in the most unlady-like manner for too long)
...but seriously. it felt and still does feel terrible, to not have achieved something worthwhile. i've youth and time on my side right now and it's not going to last bloody forever, y'know (those were the exact words that came from me, unexpectedly, that got myself off of my chair. funny, isn't it, how you get jolted off your seat by your own sensibility. it feels so natural coming from myself - i might feel a little odd about it if it came from someone else instead).
so i decided enough was enough and turned the computer off... to pick up a book that i had already read, out of the stack of many.
and i felt like "thick face, black heart" today. and that was what i read as i laid myself onto my bed, feeling the kinks ease themselves out of my back... i must not sit like that again for too long.
...it still surprises me now that whatever i had read many years back is what i'm still reading now, said in different ways, by different people, in different books. it's almost like someone's trying to tell me something and "the idea isn't bloody getting through, you dumb cow!"
i beg your pardon. well alright, so i need to know that i can create wealth with a snap of my fingers, just like that. and you - "you" are trying to tell me that i only need do it. want it and do it. i seem to be missing something here. will "you" help me, please? i'm sorry if i'm a bit thick in this case, but please do show me the way and let me be aware of it when it's being shown.
hmm. oh boy. this conversation with myself - if i can call it "myself" just like that - hmm. i don't ask that you make sense of this, but that you take it for what it is.
anyways. what i was mentioning is about preparing the self for greatness and wealth. i don't want to argue about religion and if there is a big Someone up there, and i speak for nobody but myself in this case: if we were made in His image as cited in Christian ideology, then we possess the very greatness and potential to bring out His Light and Glory.
whether you are a Christian or Muslim, atheist or agnostic or Buddhist -
we - We - are here for a purpose. you know it. you don't need the Bible or the Quran or your mother to tell you that. either you want to make a mark for yourself and you therefore know what you need/have to do, or you know, intrinsically, that you are here for a specific reason.
and what that might be you will know or find out because you will love what you do. true that there are some who do not know what they are there for, and they lament that it is a hard life and it will continue to be a hard life...
maybe these people do now know what joy is. or maybe they do, and they feel it but are merely too familiar with their unhappiness to move out of their nice uncomfortable little hole. i don't understand, really, for i know i'm pretty happy myself, despite having had something of a funky past before... or maybe this is exactly how they feel, because "it's what they know".
but unlike er, "them", i know i want something more. i want a home to call my own, own my property, be rich, be meaningfully and sufficiently busy but without having to rush nor be flustered and having enough time to sip my coffee and go for my walks - when people are in suits receiving salaries fixed by their companies -
hehe
i'm sorry, but hehe
maybe i have stepped onto a few tails here by my previous comment. i mean no offense - that is what i want in my life. i want to set my own salary, a nice big paycheck that is more than "sufficient" to pay my bills and whatnot. i want to be wealthy; i want to be mighty comfortable!
..if you are like me, however - you're searching for that something that makes you happy, gives you ridiculous amounts of joy that it never ever feels like work - well, congratulations, i think you are looking, searching, for the very reason you are here today. a certain jennifer is going to be a lawyer. a certain jasmi is - was? - a topnotch events person and a certain susan, is still searching. i'd like to think that i've a better idea than most, considering i'd bounced around for a bit, looking for the one that feels "right" but i don't know it with certainty yet, though i have to say i've a fair idea of what it might be.
they say that if you are doing something you are placed in this world to do, not only will you do it wonderfully, you will do it joyously and you will do it tirelessly.
and it's true. design and art and writing. what do i do tirelessly, effortlessly? why, writing and art, of course. i suck at design but i sure as heck can paint and write.
truth be told, i want to paint. i want i want i want to paint. i want to paint and i want to sing, i want to dance - those are my loves, i shall never tire. when i cannot dance anymore, i shall paint. i shall sculpt and i shall paint and i shall write, like i shall sing. all those things i will do, and do well.
hey.
you know what? i think i have found what i'm meant to do. really. i've always know i love to write. i've always know i love to sing and paint and dance - but i don't know it. you see? i didn't know it.
whaddya know, hey. i'm going to be rich!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Sunday, December 09, 2007
i can't wait!
ooh what an exciting time! christmas, a week's leave to do ANYTHING i want, new job - gee, i have the most fun life, ever!
i am a ray of sunshine, no rain cloud will get me down!
AMEN!
i am a ray of sunshine, no rain cloud will get me down!
AMEN!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Whose Line is it Anyway - SFX - Jedi
hooohooohoohahahahhahahahahahahoahaohahahehahhehahehehahhhehahahaaa
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
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