people.

mm. lovely. pick of the crop.

beaus and card games

i was sitting at a table playing cards with a couple of acquaintances a friend, and her beau.

the evening was easy: we had cards and wine, the company was pleasant, conversation was smooth, all was good.


..until the sweet friend's beau and i started bickering.

make no mistake, the bickering started since we met, it's also nothing personal. it's almost like friendly punching minus the friendly bit.


but still, nothing personal, i understand as much. and if i had any experience with siblings, i would say this is quite similar. kinda fun, i'd say, especially when we don't get personal.

the bad bit is that it distresses my friend.

sometimes i wonder why, though most times i understand. it's just fun, i suppose. i mean, i don't know how it is on her beau's side but i look at it as something fun to do. hahaha

my friend seemed down for the rest of the evening, i'm not sure if it's our bickering that dampened the mood. and that, in turn, distressed me.

i had considered not attending anymore card games briefly but waved the idea away. it will put my friend in a spot as well. heh. so... behave? mmm. maybe. i'm sure i can do something to make her more at ease. :)

i wonder..

i wonder if i publish a book will anyone buy it.

i wonder if i start to write can i earn money.


i have the talent, i know. read enough funny books to throw funny lines. but then, i wonder.

re-read

reread what i had typed in the immediate previous post and was quite aghast.

what? i had typed that? about someone i had parted with for er, eight months already?? the hour must be getting to me.


golly, if that's how i am behaving after eight months' worth of being apart after one year of being together, late-night or otherwise - i'm never ever ever going to get married. never mind that there are people i know who will treat me well and are able to and will provide for my needs and frivolities - the idea of getting this weak just because of some person is ridiculous.

and it won't be me. nah-uh.


i may love, but i'll never marry. you all can laugh at me when i do walk down the aisle. i'm inviting it, because i know it won't happen. marriage is for lucky people.

and that's the reason why i'm strong. i will not be weak. never!

just a little terrorised

the food near my place, the short drive down to katong, the evenings alone or otherwise in my room, with simony, the hamster that i let loose once in a while -

i'm going to move away from that all in a few days' time. i'm suddenly scared. just a little. terror, i mean.


i don't quite know if i can let the memories go. will they be torn from me, cause me hurt? will they simply melt away, like a secret lover with a family to return to? will i still dream of the person i had called quits with, waking to gulp air, to swallow tears?

does working work, do the distractions from the workplace, human and otherwise, help?

..if they do, why do i reminisce, like i want back, like i wanted to claw the fabric of time to reel it back in; start again?


...if they don't why am i this happy, feeling this fulfilled? if they don't, why am i still laughing, still smiling, loving life, living life, enjoying the attention..?

maybe i still cannot let you go. nobody should've said if we fit. they have no grounds.


if we didn't and were still happy we 'complement' each other. if we're not we're 'too different'.

if we did and we're still unhappy we're 'incompatible'.



so what gives, huh?

but too bad. maybe for you, maybe for me. it doesn't matter, for whether or not i can let go is besides the point. i'm leaving.


and that's all there is to it.

maybe we'll find each other again after a year, like we did the last time round.



who knows? maybe i'd meet an old dying man and marry his monies instead. heh. -laugh-

maybe.

famous

i didn't realise i was being watched; i'd found out today.

or stalked, or whatever. i had received a message via sms from an unfamiliar number this evening, telling me "madam, please close your windows when you masturbate, all your neighbours can see"

whoa.



must be someone from the next block.

when i replied to say "you must've gotten the wrong person" that person replied to say "no.. i'm certain it was u.." or something to the like, i've to refer to that funky message. heck i even saved the number, just in case i decide upon a whim to press charges for invasion of privacy. heh.

but well. i decided for now to be happy with 'that's very nice to know. now run along with your fantasies and leave me alone.'


maybe i'll test that number to see who it is. hahaha! what a nice game to play, this.

nine/eight more days

the day to move draws near. ten, no - nine more days.

make that eight days, for i move on the ninth day. i'd been staying late in the office these few weeks, to help with the sales, to help with the this and to pitch in with the that. there is no time.

not even to eat, sometimes. and how do i dismantle everything to pack?? will these even go together again to make the shelf they are now? same goes for my bed.

the sad perfume

i had realised, with quiet shock, that the reason why i was this besotted with this particular person was his perfume.


it sounds outright ridiculous, i know - attracted to a scent! gods - but truly, that scent he wears heralds his presence, coupled with his low voice i was the doddering fool. and what a fool.

it is a little sad that the spell had broken; it had faded to nothing when i realised just what it was that had me wrapped around his little finger.


some of you may nod and say that i have grown wiser, a little less green. others may simply nod and smile, knowing this, too, will pass. after all, you WERE attracted to some asshole just because he's got a cute ass then.

'that is life,' a certain terence will say, followed by a saucy comment that will undoubtedly make me laugh.




..i say this is a sad story. no beginning, much less an end. it'd been pretty, the startings of that nonexistent beginning.


i'm sorry this enchantment has dissolved, sweet dear. your perfume is still lovely, but i am no longer in thrall.

...i had the dubious pleasure of being at work on a sunday morning today.

and as i was checking for something online, this purple little sign on the right side of the webpage caught my eye.

'when you're serious,' it had read, much to my incredulity, 'about love.'


the picture upon which the words took turns to appear on showed this long-haired young asian lady peering at her presumed boyfriend who was distractedly picking out something. i would assume that they are on a holiday. i stared at the ad, wondering what it meant as the two phrases continued to take turns to appear.

then like a pebble finally reaching the water in a well, i suddenly understood: love is important, they're trying to say.


...they wouldn't be advertising this otherwise.

in other words, people do not like loneliness and providing a companion for a small introduction fee can get you some quick bucks.


this must be why prosti - social escorting, ahem - is so profitable. because they sell 'companionship'. and you get to pick that sexy thing you can never hope to catch the eyes of out of the many of the sexy things you can never hope to catch the eyes of, just because you earned it.

the money, i mean.



...unless, of course, you flash your gold/platinum credit cards/wads of money liberally or, if you're a lady, precious-stone-encrusted enough to make the blindest person in the room approach and ask if you would quit the light display.

then you can start a conversation.

i'm sure for those who lack the looks but can still earn the bucks keeping the person hooked with sparkly conversation would be of no problem. for those who are endowed (with good looks, i mean) i'm sure you won't need the bling.

but since i'm no avid fan of rocks and do not own enough shiny credit cards to start with - i'm afraid that option is not open to me. my only currencies are an off-beat charm and a goofy smile and the hope that they work. :D

hmm.


'when you're serious about love,' they said.

so... what if i'm not serious about love but i'm serious about 'luuurve'? you know, the eye-brow-bobbing, hand-rubbing kind? the one with too many 'u's and an extra 'r'?

will i have to call the agency (i'm assuming it's an angency), to er, increase my chances? and what if i did? what if i am already meeting the occasional loser in life that i'd rather not meet with? does calling the agency mean that i'm setting myself up to meet more losers who need to pay to meet people?

does calling them mean i will become one?


or worse yet, is this a ploy by proxy to sell 'protection'?? i won't be surprised, neither, if this has something got to do with the government's plans to get us to have more babies.

boost the ageing country's growth, they say, give us a baby or three! where can you get a bargain like this, we pay you money to expand your family tree!

...bah. agencies. love. luuurve. babies and condoms. trickery!


and what does it all mean? that i need 'someone special' to be happy? a baby? maybe i don't know what i'm missing but if i don't know what i'm missing i won't know the pains of not having something, no? so it doesn't matter, no?

...so sincere congratulations to those who had found love, whatever that is. i'm slightly envious because you look so happy together, but still no loss of mine. maybe you're envious of me, too, for i do not feel for the moments when he/she is leaving on a plane bound for Somewhere Else, or when you fight, or when he/she has 'found somebody else' or worse, when he/she has 'found somebody else' and you hadn't!

...maybe like the girl who has everything but doesn't know the loss of anything i scoff at this four-letter word.


heh. and how ironic. it's got the same number of letters as the word that means procreation.

maybe it is youth's fire that still burns in me, the blind pursuit of movement and change, meaningful or otherwise that makes me put these on a lower tier. but what does it matter, when it doesn't matter? it will matter soon enough and that will come later. one step at a time, i always say.

as for the flashing signs - i get the message.



next step: set up an escort company. fancy being an investor, anybody? :D

honey babette

the name's babette.

honey babette.

you da bamboo

"I Would not Quit" He Said

One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...
I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me...

"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. "I would not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...
But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.

I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots"
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet, they both make the forest beautiful."

"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high!"
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and bring back this story.

spite.

i am stupid and you're smart
letting you think so is an art
i blabber i speak i act just so
so you would think me slow

misguiding you is so so easy
it's such a cake i feel slightly dirty
you think you know
i think you do too

and let me praise that side of you
sweet angel, oh how cool
wow that's amazing how'd that go
you're so fast, oh teach me, too!

serious play.

are you the kind who has too much control?

even when you're drunk, you are still sober? the type with more head than heart?

if you're not, you might be lucky. curse not the impulses and emotions that take you on its whim, to swing you about, sometimes in a terrific whirl and other times, a horrific typhoon.

those who have more control than anything may agree that they are often independent, sometimes to the point of being cold. 'mysterious', if you prefer.

but with that comes the inability to let'er rip and let loose. even play is serious.


and how do i live..

disgust.

have you ever felt tired, through 'nothing' at all?

just the 'regular stuff', things from 'here and there'?


i'm getting tired. i'd witnessed raised voices, immature behaviour and an unwillingness to consider that one's thinking might not be as right as he thought it would be. i've had enough.

repeated exhortations at whether one is 'a friend' or not is not helping matters. and it's not even happening to me. gee whiz. my faith in the company i keep is strong, but i won't stand for this. gangsta behaviour.


i will ignore that person. thoroughly.