the cut grass

have you ever noticed cut grass? the part that's cut away becomes a carpet of green dried straw.

will it get blown away, soon? or will it get entangled with each other in the process of being air-dried and then finally rot after the rain and get reabsorbed back into the ground?


whatever it is, the cut grass certainly stays around for a long time before truly disappearing.

on selfishness

i think those who are selfish have been hurt bad before.

let's not even go to the bit about dishing the dirt on whomever - talk about the good things, shall we, or the things we could change or control.


i shall never be selfish in terms of love. i still will not hold back. there are the people i loved greatly, there will be others who i will love as greatly or more. there will, of course, be those who i love less but you get the idea. i will never forsake work for fun (alright, maybe only when i'm confident i can get it done on time).

the past is the past, and who gives a flying fuck about the past, be it work, love, family or a certain friend that i have in mind right this moment (aiya why guess - too much time issit)?


it don't matter if you don't mind. i sure as hell don't. and why should you?

let's hope our paths cross again, so you may chance to matter again. and the same for me. amen.

stalkers

stalkers.

bloody hate them. should have some funky booby traps ready to nabeh make life bloody tough for them.

YOU HEAR ME, BYATCH?!


that's it. i'm brushing up on my dota skills. nabeh got killed too many bloody times tonight.

a life

did i mention i have a life?

i have a life. :)


too much of a life, i suppose. wine-downs, partays, games - dammit so many things, so little time! wish i had someone special to share these with, i'm sure i can show the person people and things. you know, SHARE it with him.

but guess what, i'm just too tired to get another one.


i'd be content, i suppose, to just sit and watch rented dvds with him when i finally do get someone.

you know, be the supporting role. a halcyon of sorts within a person, like everything'd be alright because that person'd make everything alright. not because he/she really is making everything alright but that person gives you the strength to go on, face another day, because he/she is right there with you. i strive to be that. :) a 'friend'.

some ladies mind being in the supporting role, some don't. i happen to be one who doesn't, for we're supposed to be supporting roles to each other. no one can be at the front line all the time; you can't.

because it's not always the case that the issue lies within the area of your expertise. and feminists, if you're reading this: DIE.


damn morons. 'support' doesn't mean you're being stapled to the 'traditional' backwatered idea of 'you woman, you in kitchen'. if you were anything like the real woman, you'd understand that already.

did i say moron?



moron.

now that the panic's over...

alright.

so i'm done with the panic. ..alright so it's still here, with the mild fluttering still about. -ugh- hate panics. i thought i was done with that!


anyways. a friend of mine's going away soon. a certain someone might know his name: sam. he's going away and finally headed Elsewhere. not that i don't mind him - i just don't like him. yeah, cute-ish, tall, bloody nice to me - but what use's that to me when all he gives me are crooked memories? eeyer.

so he's leaving sometime in may, early may. but while i dislike him i do not hate him, so here's a prayer for you sammy-boy.


may you find peace and solace wherever you may go. may you find happiness and friends wherever you tread. may the Lord guide your path, may you find material success.

Amen.


now that it's done, out of sight, out of mind. -block-

heck. i guess when i don't care i still care. why else do i block someone out if that fella doesn't quite matter? hum. time to sort myself out.


oh btw, someone's ex spoke to me just what, today? yah lah that someone's ex lah. don't know why she's talking to me, asking me how's life.

life's tough, you know? but what do i say to someone i don't quite trust other than 'good, good', because that's someone i hadn't 'gone through thick and thin' with? that honour comes with time baby, and you're not getting it at this rate we're going. besides, i'm not screwing you. things won't be accelerating anytime soon. haha

but i sure would if i were a guy. i'd like a woman with tits. and a nice smile. maybe. -grin-


thanks for asking though, it was nice of you.


then again, it's hardly 'nice' when all we can manage is superficial 'how are yous' and such.

but on the other hand.. she DID take the trouble. ah. why bother my head with it? she said hi, asked how i was. that's a nice thing to do. don't have your vision be coloured by the past sweetie-pie, - she did what she thought was right, as did everybody.

who the hells cared what's right anyway? it's past. so.. thanks, i appreciate your asking. pardon me about the msn though, it's terribly screwy.


heh. as if you're reading this anyway...

but as i said, she's happy, her beau's happy, hope he's happy - i could do better but where else would i rather be? though i still get plagued by memories otherwise sweet..

but is it, really?






naaaaaaah

surprise

i am supremely surprised when i saw my ex beau's comment on a close friend's blog. how the hells'd he get there???

ye gods!


this world is too small. i need to get away. -panic-

forgotten

isn't it.. fascinating sometimes, when things long known become things long forgotten?

it's easy, i suppose. just so easy to forget.


i should know, i'd spent a lifetime forgetting where the hells what's that place is. oh, yeah. paragon.

but seriously, sometimes the past is just so easy to forget. like a wisp of fragrant smoke, you know?

-bemused-

isn't it funny..

isn't it funny how politicians say so much to say so little?

isn't is funny how people can wear their wedding rings and kiss another who's not sporting the other matching ring?


isn't it funny how this world works sometimes, for when there are rules, there aren't rules, because you 'can'?

affairs

sometimes affairs are just things not meant to happen.

someone made a vow, someone should stick to it, preferrably the one wearing the ring.


you can't have your cake and eat it too.

don't vows mean anything these days?

everything?

someone once said you can find anything on the internet.

anything?


can i find.. my friend's telephone number in heaven? my lost bunny, the one my mother dear gave away? my lost love in a bottle? inspiration, happiness - canned, wings that i can wear and fly on?

if i can rent time by buying a dvd - why can't i find asparagus growing on the tree that in turn grows in a little white pot?


if i could find anything on the internet, i would look for my father, i would scour for a doctor who could manufacture beauty, i would search for a man who is able to paint the ceiling, clean the dishes, help with the baby, massage my neck, love me and still find it in himself to earn shitloads of money and still be loyal.

..maybe i should just google for a plastic surgeon and an old dying oil tycoon. that way i get to be beautiful and he gets to be loyal. money will handle the rest.


there. now how do you find the coin in the dogpile..?

on the issue of loo scholars.

i've heard tales of loo scholars.

you know, the writers of them poems and other sorts of meaningful texts on the back of toilet doors?


i can't help but wonder why our local loos rarely, if ever, have nothing more than telephone number scrawled over them complete with promises of sex. those numbers are ladies' numbers - and if you're in the ladies' and you're writing another woman's phone number onto the door - what makes you think that woman would be called? hello, think of the audience!

so, WHAT scholars? (yeah yeah the possibility of lesbians. even if you're a lesbian - heck, even if you're a MAN - would you call random numbers markered upon some random loo door?)


but i digress. i was wondering about our absence of loo scholars (loo scholars meaning people who write meaningful thought onto random places like pillars and liftwalls, not just loo doors). how do people overseas find it in themselves to write such things and have others respond to it as meaningfully? may not be thoughtful, but it's meaningful. see the difference?

is it the kind of upbringing (an example being kids overseas start prattling like grown-ups when they're four - alright, five - but here, kids that age still babytalk and seem to hardly understand language) we have over here?

is it the culture (asians' seeming stricter adherance to 'children should be seen and not heard')?

is it the educational system (you listen, i talk. information beign fed fed fed and not much need for the little students to talk? maybe those kids don't know what kinda questions to ask, the same way it's hard to ask about something you don't know exists)?


as i recall, a certain someone was telling me about some scrawlings on a pillar near his place - it reads: 'fu_ck you. fill in the blank, what does it say'

and if memory serves me well, that self-same someone was sorely tempted to write in reply: 'i don't know, you tell me!'

what, not even a proper advertisement when the number's already there?

..another encountered chinese poetry in the loo in taiwan. the first line read: 人生自古谁无死。then some smart aleck added, in bright blue ink, 谁能大便不用纸?

which, translated, means ‘man cannot escape death since e dawn of time; none can forego paper for his behind.’


humourous encounters, but see where this goes? are our thoughts mostly veered towards those 'basic' (as in 'base' - vulgar-'base') issues without maybe not deep thought but at least, meaningul thought? heck even the hate-scrawls overseas hold more than 'slut: whatzername, call 1234-5678' - they have correct punctuation and 'for a good time!'

..maybe i'm going about it with a magnifying glass. maybe.


some may argue that our scholars use paper instead of walls - true. but isn't the point really about the general public? correct me if i'm wrong here but isn't it a fair statement to make to say that if you pick two malls here in singapore and two malls somewhere else overseas in the same standards (meaning similar standards in location, crowd and suchlike; to be ah lian about it, is not one two-star against fie-star) - chances are you'd get more meaningful scrawlings overseas than here.

maybe because our cleaners are more conscientious and vandals are more gahment-(fine) fearing - but try telling a tourist that when the messages aren't there but they have to attempt the traditional chinese 'horse stance' to avoid having a ring of ugh on their butts - not that they complain about the lack of vandalism though.

the same way it won't convince the tourist, it won't convince anyone else.


..of course, we're talking possibly-seedy places and not some funky hotel where there are chandeliers and a centerpiece in the main lobby, wherein the toi - lavatories, excuse me - are places where women powder their noses and make small talk in.


heck, since we're talking about people, just pick say, five random people on singaporean streets. how many can and will answer you properly? even the tramp sleeping in parks overseas can offer you a strong opinion instead of smiling and proceeding to say timidly, 'nor sure'. and i'm not talking about solely about the americas. i'm talking global.

so WHAT is it about us, that makes us this way? somewhat more staid, a tad more square, a pinch slower than the rest?


som may say that no, it's not true. the people I know aren't like that. that's right, the crowd that you mix in aren't like that. but what about the crowd that you don't mix in? not meaning to encourage another to be judgemental on appearance but just take a look about you sometimes, and try guessing who will be the hemmers and who can give you some semblance of an answer.

and what do you see?


i know what i saw. heck, i tested it often. i asked for directions and people who seemed to live in the area actually don't know where block 156 is when i'm at 150. not to say that i'm not guilty of that myself, but that's what i'm trying to get at: do we merely confine ourselves in our own little boxes and 'mind our own businesses' and therefore not wonder about, well, stuff?

is that the reason why we hardly know about what happens elsewhere, because we're more focused on the gravel underneath our feet than the flowers on the sidewalk? is that why we are 'slower'? more workers than leaders, because we're used to being led? a 'hawer'?


is it possible that we happen to be on the world's top ten list because we have the good luck of being led by people who are genius and are good at manufacturing their first few generations of kambings (lambs) and are now manufacturing leaders?

or is that why we are able to prosper, for if we were to be a 'thinking' people, we would have rebelled a long time back and we'd be too disparate to ever get to where we are now? because we worked as a team, because there were leaders and there were followers and not forgetting, ironfists and chicken hearts?

(though i find the fowl-heartedness understandable - who wouldn't be, after the wars and invasions?)

so what is it, really? why do we lack in loo scholars? do followers mean non-thinkers?

why do we lack them scholars?

definitions

i had gone out with the babes today...

did our usual thing: ate, walked, drank, talked.


it was a regular outing for the four of us, save one bit: someone broached the subject of friendship.

someone asked, have you ever felt like you had to work hard at a friendship?

and i said, yeah. it feels like that, the four of us.


and then we talked. as in, really talked. well, the three of us anyway. one had to leave early though so she wasn't there to hear about this. which might be just as well for i think three of possibly different views is just enough to handle.. one more would mean things getting more complicated than what we had to handle then.

we talked about things like mugging (what i couldn't understand) and freelancing (they couldn't understand), politics (what we all don't want to think about but one had to endure, possibly),'moving out' (and the whole shebang that comes along with it), suchlike, and how we are still banding together.

no doubt, though, the pressure had been felt not only by me. for when we met up it feels odd sometimes - for me at least - like i had nothing much to say to them and they also had nothing much to say as well.

someone mentioned it's because we lead 'very different lives'. aye, true. that we do.

i pseudo-found my answer to what friendship's supposed to be today.


someone i'm happy being quiet with; hang out and do stuff with; discuss, not argue with. no pressure. like it were a natural thing to do and not feeling so awfully awkward about.

and acceptance of the person i call friend. take (my personal favourite example) susan. i love her and i hate her.

love her because she can be so sweet and thoughtful, hate her because she can be so sensitive and touchy and spoilt.


yeah so the bad outweigh the good. but so what? she's my friend. if i can tahan who're you to say she's a bad friend and i should tell her to shove it? i do that in my own time and in my own way. you - whomever you may be - shut up.

..unless of course, it's to congratulate me on my unwavering loyalty. :D


but seriously, do i reject her because she's got her bad days? i got my bad days too.

so do i drift away because we sometimes rub each other SO wrong we can almost strangle each other? what about the times when we do get along?


along the same lines, do i want to drift away from that certain jasmine and jennifer because we don't have mucho to talk about?

IS there a need to talk, if we were to be able to spend time in silence? and say, isn't it time to transcend into that already? we've known each other for what, at least 6 years!

isn't it time to be comfortable with each other now, at least? 'be ourselves', to quote someone, 'not pretend'.

aye, while i try not to as my lady friends try not to, sometimes it's just a little contrived when we sincerely try harder to have a topic to dissect.

ironic, isn't it.


..so while i still haven't found my own definition of what friendship should be, this is how it stands: a friend is someone you know will come to your aid no matter how long you hadn't seen them nor spoken to them.

a friend does not need to know your every move, what you did, who you talked to, what you said.

a friend must be someone you're comfortable enough to show your real nature to, be it good or bad; for that's the highest honour anyone can bestow upon another: show them your real self which may not be all that 'perfect'.

and lastly, a friend must be able to show you the same.


of course.. the acceptance part goes without saying. for if you reject the person when the real deal's revealed - then.. what friendship?

and yes, i accept my friends. these three, at least. i won't presume to say that i know shitload about them, for they have their confiding partners and i sure as hell ain't it. well. not even most of the time anyway... but what does it matter? just because you love them means you have to know their every emotion every stumble and every victory meh?

..if you do, man you're stalker material. you can only love a person and hope he/she loves you back. not saying much doesn't mean not loving enough. i learnt that from someone. :)


the main thing here is acceptance, i suppose. and that's the best i can do for now.


change? bah. they can do it themselves. and if i had realised anything, i realised that they can be bloody stubborn. and so'm i. :)

pride

pride often gets in the way of things.

why? societal decrees, that's why.


fortunately i'd learnt to screw society's expectations and live my own life. who needs to explain anything? truly.

i don't mean that you have to go about your little personal defiance in spectacular measures but why do you have to explain whatever you do to anyone? if they don't understand - do they matter enough for you to explain?



aiyah.. in life, take it easy. some people take refuge in work, others in friends and family. there are of course those who seek solace inside of a green glass bottle and cigs but hey each of us deal in our own way. whichever that looks like it won't betray us anytime soon we take that as our rock and run along with it.

maybe you'll have to cross a river and it'd become a burden, or maybe it'd be something you happen to have in a hurricane. who knows?

you won't know it until you meet it.. like how punters will exclaim NABEH should've placed the 3 here instead of 8!

and what's the point, then? live and learn lah hah, live and learn.

i guess i found..

i guess i found a new friend in an old one. a little awkward at times, still, but getting there.

here's one to jas. :)


and i guess i found someone who i can hang out with without saying anything and feel like we don't have to speak. :) i've found him. and may we spend many more hours not needing to speak.

that way i can tell my girlfriends all about it! :D

(such frivolity. oh, dear.)

quote of the day

'quitting smoking is easy. i've done it thousands of times.' oscar wilde

haha


and do you realise, if you repeat 'wit' very quickly, it sounds like 'twit'?

and what does it mean, in the random grand scheme of things?

thoroughly odd

i don't get it. why's there this much heartbreak these days? people calling it quits lah people getting disappointed lah -- what's going on?


this is thoroughly odd.

maybe this is just another major reshuffling.

morons and truths

i had heard of a friend tell me about this chick he liked (note the past tense) who had gone back to her ex and hadn't told him about it until a coupladays she had flown like a bird gone to hell to australia.

and yeah, my friend liked her.


but she nabeh go and get back with dysfunctional ex and DIDN'T TELL HIM. and he held her hand while she held her ex's hand on the day she flew!!!

WAH PIANG!

what kinda moron is she?! i can understand the going back to dysfunctional ex part - for when you're in love you're in love. whether he's good for you or not is besides the point, whether it's a smart choice or not is besides the point; that i understand.

but to bloody not say anything to my friend (this one is the proverbial do everything for you take care of you listen to you stay up late with you because you're not feeling too good when he's a presentation the next day type. can go to the ends of hell for you kind) and let him make a fool out of himself 'because she's scared'?

what kinda person is that, exactly? i've met her once and i remember her vaguely. bubbly, pretty. but to think she's this kinda person.. heck thankfully i only remember her vaguely. may i forget her the next moment.


..then again, i suppose not everyone's courageous. maybe this is her moment of weakness, and the moment's taking it's time. whatever it is, somebody should slap her and slap her hard and tell her 'be a friend instead of being a moron, it's the least you can do.'

if no one else will do it, i'll volunteer. after all, i've had practice.

missing thoughts

it's odd how thoughts hit me then flit into nothingness.

those thoughts are brilliant, i assure you, but possibly because i've the makings of a genius - those thoughts don't stay for long. maybe those thoughts aren't mine, aye.

almost like borrowed meat, the idea's held in my hands for a while, bit of a corner to chew and savour its taste and quality.. but when i try to take it for my own (scribe it), it promptly disappears. maybe i'm blessed to catch glimpses into others' floating bits of psyche but at the same time cursed because i can't bloody tap into them.

maybe i'm just forgetful.


distractable, even. it's disturbing how..

lost cause?

and isn't it so me-oriented, when all one thinks about is about 'me'?

heartaches..


aye, but how do you ignore the fact that you've for example cancer? true that it is noble to overlook that and care for others or just get on with life. but how do you overlook it? by understanding it is a lost cause?

heartache

my heart aches.

aigh it aches.