On Mosquitos
I had been here for two days and already I had counted the days I had been here.
Yes I know it’s only been two days and gully dwarves could count up to that number as well but I’m telling you, losing sleep for two nights running after a period of over-working is not funny.
Especially when the cause was mainly heat and mosquitoes. Heat I can hardly take already; heat coupled with mosquitoes warrants a surefire way to wake me and have me stay that way. Not that I’m ungrateful for the invitation to be about when the wedding takes place – I am, very much so in fact.
But being invited to witness the ceremonies during the day does not take away any of the itches that were bestowed upon me by these persistent six-legged little things during the night. Wearing painstakingly-crafted lacy garments helped, though, for I seemed to be wearing a fine, pretty net that allowed air to circulate and no mosquitoes. I was thankfully bite-free for the entire day. The downside was the weather was still as warm and humid as ever.
I had thought of a – principle, if you will – this morning when I was still bleary-eyed. If the reason why mosquitoes are this hungrily persistent is due to the ‘need’ for variety – does that mean hedonism is a bad bad thing indeed?
What I mean by variety is that these insects can survive on nectar, plant fluids and dew, not just human blood (or any blood, for that matter). And these insects chose human over plant, and me over the rest of the people. I have often wondered how they differentiated between the tastes, if there were tastes to us all. Surprisingly and for fear of sounding ever-so-slightly racist, my Malay roommates were left alone, so much so that when I had awoken from the pain (yes, literal pain) from the bites in the middle of the night to harass a slumbering roommate – her response was an exasperating ‘Really? There were mosquitoes?’
So… does that mean in a country and area that primarily houses Malays – I as a Chinese gets special treatment? Hmm. Maybe it was the difference in scent. But that cannot be, for I made sure I used whatever soap there was in the common bathroom. Maybe I give our more heat than the rest due to my higher metabolic rate and that therefore marks me as a beacon for those heat-sensing irritations? Or do people of different racial descent taste different to them? This is more possible than the ‘new-blood’ argument, considering I was bunking with three other people who were also visitors.
The reason why I ponder this much about mosquitoes is because goodness knows I react badly to mosquito bites, one bite can easily swell up to one and a half of the diameter of a fifty-cent coin. And God forbid that the bite should be on my face. It will look like a pimple and I cannot touch it. No amount of Oxy will help, the swelling will just have to go down by itself, which will take quite a few days indeed.
But through these two days, I had mastered mind over matter again. Funny, it happens each time I encounter mosquito problems as such which incidentally coincides with my trips to Indonesia.
Once the pain was over it was pretty much fine. It was the fifteen seconds after the bite that is quite unbearable. The itch that you can locate but cannot see; the itch you can locate and can see, then the stage wherein the itch heightens and the part that has been bitten starts swelling stupendously in irregular shapes and freak the hell out of you on top of being both itchy and painful at the same time.
If this is not poison I don’t know what is.
But then, mind over matter works. That or some soap and cold, cold water.
Hmm. Looks like I’ve said quite a bit about something as small as mosquitoes. I suppose I should get some sleep now and probably charge my laptop. The kids here seem to like me a lot, for some reason.
Do I smell nice to them too, that they like me this much?
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
men and women
i was having lunch today, as per usual, when there was a subtle shift in my perception.
the people i saw suddenly became acutely gendered.
not in the physical oh-i-got-big-boobies sense but rather their faces. the people about me are beautiful, but there is something about them that makes me want to back up a bit. i wonder if i give people that kinda feel.
and suddenly i got scared. i get the feeling that i'm swimming with sharks. me, this minnow, swimming with the fish who seem not to notice that i'm a minnow.
...i'd probably be dead if they did. the probably did, they probably are pretending that they don't notice so i can grow a little bigger so i can do more than just get stuck between their teeth.
the world is a big bad place!
the people i saw suddenly became acutely gendered.
not in the physical oh-i-got-big-boobies sense but rather their faces. the people about me are beautiful, but there is something about them that makes me want to back up a bit. i wonder if i give people that kinda feel.
and suddenly i got scared. i get the feeling that i'm swimming with sharks. me, this minnow, swimming with the fish who seem not to notice that i'm a minnow.
...i'd probably be dead if they did. the probably did, they probably are pretending that they don't notice so i can grow a little bigger so i can do more than just get stuck between their teeth.
the world is a big bad place!
Sunday, September 04, 2005
the longest day
it's one of those.
fortunately it's only ONE of those. if there were more i'd've killed myself as many times as THOSE times happened.
i was having the most wonderful dreams this morning when my eyes popped open due to biological tuning. needless to say, i closed them right again and spent the next hour swimming between quasi-wakefulness and a light doze, which meant that my delicious dreams were somehow intermitten.
when i finally had no choice but to get up off from bed i had thought it would be a good day today. then i proceeded to brush my teeth and get ready - the usual. everything was fine until i got on the bus, found myself a seat and tried to read my papers.
the papers refused to stay gripped. they were not that heavy though i'll admit that they are a little too wide to handle in a one-seater. the ride went on well, with no weird people sitting beside, in front of, nor behind me. it was alright. then i got off the bus - tapped my card and stepped off the bus, only to leave my slipper behind when my foot touched the ground.
my thong's (the footwear, not the lacy delicate) snapped!
i had to hurry to retrieve it lest the bus doors snap on my hand. it was, upon examination, fixable (thankfully). thus i half-trotted, half-hopped to the nearby coffee stall to get a rubberband. i frequent that place for their yummy toast and ice-blended horlicks and thus am at least familiar with the person running the show. i had therefore asked for a rubberband.
upon hearing my cheerful request and brief explanation, the chap gave me a sidelong look then ambled to retrieve one red rubberband for me, then proceeded to ask me for ten cents.
i looked at him in amused disbelief and, taking it as a joke, laughed and hopped to a seat and began to fix my slipper. once done i tested it and thanked the rather-curious shop-keeper whom i had gotten the thong-saver from. he then asked for ten cents again, then when i goofily stuck out my arm and told him, 'pluck it yourself' in chinese (ten cents sounds like '1 hair' in Chinese) he sauntered off elsewhere, mumbling to himself.
it was not until five happy self-congratulating five meters later that i realised i might just have mistaken that dry tone for something more humourous......
ho boy did i walk faster! i mean, ten cents wasn't much and i would've given it gladly but THAT was just embarrassing!
..and so i brisk-walked to my students' place and art class took place. the kids were up but we started late as usual for they took their time with their breakfast and by the time we started we were forty minutes behind time. it didn't help that the youngest had to sluuuuuurp her milo as loudly as a polite Japanese man would to praise an able cook.
she was, thankfully, cute. it helped with tolerating her for half a nanosecond more.
then i smacked her.
and lest you think i'm a bully, it was a literal slap on the wrist followed by gentle admonition.
the kids took more time than was needed to draw today, for some reason and by the time they were near done two hours had passed which left us all only one hour to paint, which sure as plums are diahorrhea-causing will not be enough to complete the paintings. and throughout the struggle it had to rain... the aircon was on, the rain was there, i had been ill, hadn't very much sleep and had to contend with these little rascals........
the final straw for that lesson was when one of them tried to be smart with me.
needless to say, i left that place (nearly an hour) later when i've scheduled to meet someone an hour after my planned lesson-end time.
it did not help at all, that the rain was still coming down onto the pavement in a suicidal fashion; nothing like the whimsical-hesitant-frivolous kind of rain that we get sometimes. having gotten my paycheck for that month for these, i was able to take a quick ride down to the meeting-place without getting too wet. i was not late, which was good.
what wasn't was that the bloke had asked to meet up after nearly a year and a half so i could meet HIS friend - it would be so much more interesting if he were gay - so i may have the chance to be 'introduced' to 'health products' and 'make money' at the same time.
(that's right. mlm. KILL ME SOMEBODY!)
so The Friend spent two hours talking to me, introducing to me the various perks and products i have heard of (just another brand) and the kind of money i can make and the places i can go to, the kind of bonding that is the culture -
it wasn't easy to appear to listen when your head hurts and your eyes feel like someone's squeezed some lemon juice into it and the weather is just so nice and cooling..... i prayed for a chance to get out of the place.
and He, my dear, sweet God, answered!
a customer from two centuries back called and i had to disrupt The Friend's speech and presentation with suitable apologies. to handle the call.
...but if He had answered my prayers then i had foolishly let it slip through my fingers. i had not harboured thoughts of citing that call as an excuse to bail. i harboured thoughts of that only after two minutes of sitting down, which was already too late for me to say 'hey, stop, i've to go back to the office...' (yes i kicked myself for that, only later)
thankfully though, He had noted this foolish mistake of mine and i received ANOTHER call from a different customer! never in my life was i so happy to hear an unfamiliar voice that mispronounces my name as 'lawrence' in a disgruntled manner.
this time, i took that chance. thanking The Friend for his efforts and time and THAT Friend for wanting to share, i fled.
if any one of you were to think i were an ingrate for spurning those two's efforts - trust me i feel bad about it. they may have done it for money, they may have done it 'to spread the goodwill' but if i were to be in their shoes i would appreciate the courtesy to listen. it IS hard to do sales, i fully appreciate that.
...but i kicked myself for not taking the first chance to run anyway.
once in the office things were alright; the customer left happy (until monday comes, anyway) and i was able to get a semblance of a peace of mind for a while. then i headed down to town in the late afternoon, to look for a particular book i had been lusting after since this morning.
so i spent more hours than necessary in that bookstore commonly known as borders - the sky darkened without my noticing and my hunger tugged at my unresponsive being - until nine-odd, when i finally eliminated enough books for me to pay without breaking the bank. i have the squinty-eyed latina thing going on for me by that time. still i managed to totter my way to the bistro behind the said bookstore and had dinner. juice and spaghetti, who would've thought they tasted so good?
i'll wake up to regret this in the morning, i know, but now's not morning and morning can wait.
once satisfied i started walking towards my bus station - and, beat this - when i was waiting for the man to turn green a chinese national (male) crossed the street and asked if i may spare him some money to eat. then, upon my handing over a ten, asked if he may have more, so he may put up somewhere.
he even asked my name and my number so he can return me the money. i'd provided him my name and a fake number - which is just as well for i noticed that he only took his mobile phone out when i prompted him to (why ask for phone numbers when you can't remember it?) and hadn't even copied my entire string of eight numbers, much less save it.
make no mistake, this fella hand-carries a leather (faux or otherwise i do not know) case and looks like your everyday exec on a friday evening. the only thing giving his origins away is his accent.
i mean, do i have 'loaded; ask for money here' scrawled across my forehead? i was in torn jeans and zipped-up cardigan with a beaten-up canvas slingbag WITH a bag of books and he asks if i may spare him monies for food AND lodging??
but then again, it was only ten bucks. if he had asked for it and didn't dare save my number he probably needs it more than i do.
and so i continue on my way to the bus station, and took that bus home.
what a day it's been, this! it's another day in this urban jungle. who says you don't have to fight for survival here? i know i have to, and i know others have to, too. what makes a difference is graciousness; in speech and in actions. i'm glad i did not put too many people on the defensive today. and yes, i have lived this day, quite to the fullest.
what about you, though?
fortunately it's only ONE of those. if there were more i'd've killed myself as many times as THOSE times happened.
i was having the most wonderful dreams this morning when my eyes popped open due to biological tuning. needless to say, i closed them right again and spent the next hour swimming between quasi-wakefulness and a light doze, which meant that my delicious dreams were somehow intermitten.
when i finally had no choice but to get up off from bed i had thought it would be a good day today. then i proceeded to brush my teeth and get ready - the usual. everything was fine until i got on the bus, found myself a seat and tried to read my papers.
the papers refused to stay gripped. they were not that heavy though i'll admit that they are a little too wide to handle in a one-seater. the ride went on well, with no weird people sitting beside, in front of, nor behind me. it was alright. then i got off the bus - tapped my card and stepped off the bus, only to leave my slipper behind when my foot touched the ground.
my thong's (the footwear, not the lacy delicate) snapped!
i had to hurry to retrieve it lest the bus doors snap on my hand. it was, upon examination, fixable (thankfully). thus i half-trotted, half-hopped to the nearby coffee stall to get a rubberband. i frequent that place for their yummy toast and ice-blended horlicks and thus am at least familiar with the person running the show. i had therefore asked for a rubberband.
upon hearing my cheerful request and brief explanation, the chap gave me a sidelong look then ambled to retrieve one red rubberband for me, then proceeded to ask me for ten cents.
i looked at him in amused disbelief and, taking it as a joke, laughed and hopped to a seat and began to fix my slipper. once done i tested it and thanked the rather-curious shop-keeper whom i had gotten the thong-saver from. he then asked for ten cents again, then when i goofily stuck out my arm and told him, 'pluck it yourself' in chinese (ten cents sounds like '1 hair' in Chinese) he sauntered off elsewhere, mumbling to himself.
it was not until five happy self-congratulating five meters later that i realised i might just have mistaken that dry tone for something more humourous......
ho boy did i walk faster! i mean, ten cents wasn't much and i would've given it gladly but THAT was just embarrassing!
..and so i brisk-walked to my students' place and art class took place. the kids were up but we started late as usual for they took their time with their breakfast and by the time we started we were forty minutes behind time. it didn't help that the youngest had to sluuuuuurp her milo as loudly as a polite Japanese man would to praise an able cook.
she was, thankfully, cute. it helped with tolerating her for half a nanosecond more.
then i smacked her.
and lest you think i'm a bully, it was a literal slap on the wrist followed by gentle admonition.
the kids took more time than was needed to draw today, for some reason and by the time they were near done two hours had passed which left us all only one hour to paint, which sure as plums are diahorrhea-causing will not be enough to complete the paintings. and throughout the struggle it had to rain... the aircon was on, the rain was there, i had been ill, hadn't very much sleep and had to contend with these little rascals........
the final straw for that lesson was when one of them tried to be smart with me.
needless to say, i left that place (nearly an hour) later when i've scheduled to meet someone an hour after my planned lesson-end time.
it did not help at all, that the rain was still coming down onto the pavement in a suicidal fashion; nothing like the whimsical-hesitant-frivolous kind of rain that we get sometimes. having gotten my paycheck for that month for these, i was able to take a quick ride down to the meeting-place without getting too wet. i was not late, which was good.
what wasn't was that the bloke had asked to meet up after nearly a year and a half so i could meet HIS friend - it would be so much more interesting if he were gay - so i may have the chance to be 'introduced' to 'health products' and 'make money' at the same time.
(that's right. mlm. KILL ME SOMEBODY!)
so The Friend spent two hours talking to me, introducing to me the various perks and products i have heard of (just another brand) and the kind of money i can make and the places i can go to, the kind of bonding that is the culture -
it wasn't easy to appear to listen when your head hurts and your eyes feel like someone's squeezed some lemon juice into it and the weather is just so nice and cooling..... i prayed for a chance to get out of the place.
and He, my dear, sweet God, answered!
a customer from two centuries back called and i had to disrupt The Friend's speech and presentation with suitable apologies. to handle the call.
...but if He had answered my prayers then i had foolishly let it slip through my fingers. i had not harboured thoughts of citing that call as an excuse to bail. i harboured thoughts of that only after two minutes of sitting down, which was already too late for me to say 'hey, stop, i've to go back to the office...' (yes i kicked myself for that, only later)
thankfully though, He had noted this foolish mistake of mine and i received ANOTHER call from a different customer! never in my life was i so happy to hear an unfamiliar voice that mispronounces my name as 'lawrence' in a disgruntled manner.
this time, i took that chance. thanking The Friend for his efforts and time and THAT Friend for wanting to share, i fled.
if any one of you were to think i were an ingrate for spurning those two's efforts - trust me i feel bad about it. they may have done it for money, they may have done it 'to spread the goodwill' but if i were to be in their shoes i would appreciate the courtesy to listen. it IS hard to do sales, i fully appreciate that.
...but i kicked myself for not taking the first chance to run anyway.
once in the office things were alright; the customer left happy (until monday comes, anyway) and i was able to get a semblance of a peace of mind for a while. then i headed down to town in the late afternoon, to look for a particular book i had been lusting after since this morning.
so i spent more hours than necessary in that bookstore commonly known as borders - the sky darkened without my noticing and my hunger tugged at my unresponsive being - until nine-odd, when i finally eliminated enough books for me to pay without breaking the bank. i have the squinty-eyed latina thing going on for me by that time. still i managed to totter my way to the bistro behind the said bookstore and had dinner. juice and spaghetti, who would've thought they tasted so good?
i'll wake up to regret this in the morning, i know, but now's not morning and morning can wait.
once satisfied i started walking towards my bus station - and, beat this - when i was waiting for the man to turn green a chinese national (male) crossed the street and asked if i may spare him some money to eat. then, upon my handing over a ten, asked if he may have more, so he may put up somewhere.
he even asked my name and my number so he can return me the money. i'd provided him my name and a fake number - which is just as well for i noticed that he only took his mobile phone out when i prompted him to (why ask for phone numbers when you can't remember it?) and hadn't even copied my entire string of eight numbers, much less save it.
make no mistake, this fella hand-carries a leather (faux or otherwise i do not know) case and looks like your everyday exec on a friday evening. the only thing giving his origins away is his accent.
i mean, do i have 'loaded; ask for money here' scrawled across my forehead? i was in torn jeans and zipped-up cardigan with a beaten-up canvas slingbag WITH a bag of books and he asks if i may spare him monies for food AND lodging??
but then again, it was only ten bucks. if he had asked for it and didn't dare save my number he probably needs it more than i do.
and so i continue on my way to the bus station, and took that bus home.
what a day it's been, this! it's another day in this urban jungle. who says you don't have to fight for survival here? i know i have to, and i know others have to, too. what makes a difference is graciousness; in speech and in actions. i'm glad i did not put too many people on the defensive today. and yes, i have lived this day, quite to the fullest.
what about you, though?
Saturday, September 03, 2005
flatmate.
i got a new flatmate
i saw him when i was sick, yesterday
then i didn't see him today
probably not again tomorrow
maybe never ever
until i move away
but who cares
i don't know him anyway
i saw him when i was sick, yesterday
then i didn't see him today
probably not again tomorrow
maybe never ever
until i move away
but who cares
i don't know him anyway
Thursday, September 01, 2005
random
men are like that, you know. they're the weirdest things on earth. then again, i don't know women very well, neither. the entire race confounds me. they say one thing to mean another. it's either that or they mean it.
then there's this thing about expressing oneself. i mean, is it necessary? what does it matter, if one didn't speak, nor write, nor drew, nor...?
heh. i don't understand. then again, maybe i do.
then there's this thing about expressing oneself. i mean, is it necessary? what does it matter, if one didn't speak, nor write, nor drew, nor...?
heh. i don't understand. then again, maybe i do.
writing about nothing at all
i try to write but nothing comes out
i try and try and leaves start to sprout
i wave them away in ridicule
but they entangle me in the slow-mo duel
two thousand years passed and still i write
around me little beings lived and died
i watched them grow i watched them fight
i even watched them discover light
then i knew what i'd to pen
why hadn't i thought of it then
it's this frenzy this lust for strife
this poison that accompanies life
but then i noticed that if i moved
their houses would fall and they'd be food
for nature's creatures; ants to - something tall
and i'd be writing about nothing at all
i try and try and leaves start to sprout
i wave them away in ridicule
but they entangle me in the slow-mo duel
two thousand years passed and still i write
around me little beings lived and died
i watched them grow i watched them fight
i even watched them discover light
then i knew what i'd to pen
why hadn't i thought of it then
it's this frenzy this lust for strife
this poison that accompanies life
but then i noticed that if i moved
their houses would fall and they'd be food
for nature's creatures; ants to - something tall
and i'd be writing about nothing at all
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
on loneliness
there's no such thing.
if you're lonely then you either don't know loneliness or you got a life. i'd say i have both.
thankfully! :) more emotionally independent than anything, aye? but i understand what you're getting at. it's tough sometimes, i suppose. i know how it is to miss someone, to miss being with someone.
but what does that solve? it's another useless emotion. i'd mastered my anger, i'm mastering my pride.
surely you can master loneliness. i trust in you, sweet being.
i love you, still. be good, now.
if you're lonely then you either don't know loneliness or you got a life. i'd say i have both.
thankfully! :) more emotionally independent than anything, aye? but i understand what you're getting at. it's tough sometimes, i suppose. i know how it is to miss someone, to miss being with someone.
but what does that solve? it's another useless emotion. i'd mastered my anger, i'm mastering my pride.
surely you can master loneliness. i trust in you, sweet being.
i love you, still. be good, now.
storyteller
aye, that be me.
blogs are read and conclusions are made. sometimes... though sometimes it is nice to indulge in a little fantasy about someone else, that maybe what that person has written or said means that person lives or thinks this way.
satisfies the sleuth in us all, doesn't it. heh.
priding oneself on being a 'quick judge' or simply afraid to ask? i know someone who isn't like that. -grin-
but who cares, anyway? i'm spinning my tale like that fella in the movie titled 'big fish'.
and it makes things more interesting.
blogs are read and conclusions are made. sometimes... though sometimes it is nice to indulge in a little fantasy about someone else, that maybe what that person has written or said means that person lives or thinks this way.
satisfies the sleuth in us all, doesn't it. heh.
priding oneself on being a 'quick judge' or simply afraid to ask? i know someone who isn't like that. -grin-
but who cares, anyway? i'm spinning my tale like that fella in the movie titled 'big fish'.
and it makes things more interesting.
Monday, August 29, 2005
dear john
it is not often that i say this, i've only said it once, to someone else, albeit differently.
i know it's wrong and nowhere near right but i like you a lot and it adds to my plight. you're taken and taken, many times over; still i want you as my lover. this sounds like poetry i know very well, but the words flow on as you can tell.
i've been through this and it was messy, took more than four years for me to bury. you've a daughter and a wife i've met and seen; i understand and i don't want to be queen.
you said we aren't to see each other as often as [something]. i agree; but here's the link.
i love your company; you like mine too. but i don't want her to worry about 'Number Two'. i'll move soon, this i know well. here though are thoughts from me to you.
be loved by me, and love in return. heartfelt (or not) doesn't matter, i've learnt.
i want you for you and you want me for me; works well for us doesn't it, sweetie?
we're taking this chance and then the chance is over. meet me this week on thursday; seven. i'll be there at the tombstone fountain.
i know it's wrong and nowhere near right but i like you a lot and it adds to my plight. you're taken and taken, many times over; still i want you as my lover. this sounds like poetry i know very well, but the words flow on as you can tell.
i've been through this and it was messy, took more than four years for me to bury. you've a daughter and a wife i've met and seen; i understand and i don't want to be queen.
you said we aren't to see each other as often as [something]. i agree; but here's the link.
i love your company; you like mine too. but i don't want her to worry about 'Number Two'. i'll move soon, this i know well. here though are thoughts from me to you.
be loved by me, and love in return. heartfelt (or not) doesn't matter, i've learnt.
i want you for you and you want me for me; works well for us doesn't it, sweetie?
we're taking this chance and then the chance is over. meet me this week on thursday; seven. i'll be there at the tombstone fountain.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
test, test.
i had whiled away a perfectly idlesome saturday evening clicking on buttons for personality quizzes, and there was this one particular test titled 'is he the one for you'.
the first question was as such:
The first time you met him, how did he act?
• It was so obvious that he was staring at you.
• He just said "hi".
• He was about to smile at you but you had already given him a big smile
hmm. (click)
Number Two:
When you meet him socially, he __________
• says "How are you?" or crack a joke.
• seems a little uptight.
• doesn't look at you or sometimes pretends that he isn't when you catch him.
mm - (click)
Number Three:
When you call him, he __________
• does all the talking. If you don't stop, neither does he.
• says "Hi! How are you? I'm glad you called."
• says "What's up? Nothing much? Well, I have to get back to work.
hum. tricky. (click)
and so it goes on, until number 7, in which it asks:
When you get sick, he __________
• asks your best friend about how you are doing.
• calls and says "I really hope you get well soon."
• says "Oh, there's something going around. A lot of people are getting it.
oh golly. what if the answer's the kind that doesn't fall within these three choices? hmmmmmmm isn't that tough now. (click)
and again on it goes to the end, with me thinking to myself, bemused: "this won't look good."
and true enough, it doesn't. what is there is really like a glass of water. plain as plain gets but noticably - mm, 'more'? i don't know how to explain it.
i almost laughed at my last thought: this is Da Game, in which no one knows whether the other is being interested or merely politely interested. this is Da Game that gives my straight-talking cousin the pleasurable chills.
chuckling to myself, this is ridiculous. Da Game? i had never been interested in games before, much less ones with capital letters helming them.
But that's not to say i am helpless at them when i find myself in The Arena. i'm not saying i'm great at it; i mean it more in the 'competent swimmer who prefers walking' manner. but then, games tend to be better with more people, like two.
while i understand why my cousin loves Da Game i secretly suspect he is slightly masochistic to want to be suspended in the 'want-don't-want' stage.
i like it like this, in this stage because it doesn't matter whether it's a 'want' or 'don't want'. i'm not looking for it to happen.
i want to love, for all its pleasure and smiles and highs but at the same time i don't want to love because men are such capricious creatures.
(then again so are women, even more pronounced with our PMS - 'perpetual menstrual syndrome', as some men put it. so. what gives?)
the first question was as such:
The first time you met him, how did he act?
• It was so obvious that he was staring at you.
• He just said "hi".
• He was about to smile at you but you had already given him a big smile
hmm. (click)
Number Two:
When you meet him socially, he __________
• says "How are you?" or crack a joke.
• seems a little uptight.
• doesn't look at you or sometimes pretends that he isn't when you catch him.
mm - (click)
Number Three:
When you call him, he __________
• does all the talking. If you don't stop, neither does he.
• says "Hi! How are you? I'm glad you called."
• says "What's up? Nothing much? Well, I have to get back to work.
hum. tricky. (click)
and so it goes on, until number 7, in which it asks:
When you get sick, he __________
• asks your best friend about how you are doing.
• calls and says "I really hope you get well soon."
• says "Oh, there's something going around. A lot of people are getting it.
oh golly. what if the answer's the kind that doesn't fall within these three choices? hmmmmmmm isn't that tough now. (click)
and again on it goes to the end, with me thinking to myself, bemused: "this won't look good."
and true enough, it doesn't. what is there is really like a glass of water. plain as plain gets but noticably - mm, 'more'? i don't know how to explain it.
i almost laughed at my last thought: this is Da Game, in which no one knows whether the other is being interested or merely politely interested. this is Da Game that gives my straight-talking cousin the pleasurable chills.
chuckling to myself, this is ridiculous. Da Game? i had never been interested in games before, much less ones with capital letters helming them.
But that's not to say i am helpless at them when i find myself in The Arena. i'm not saying i'm great at it; i mean it more in the 'competent swimmer who prefers walking' manner. but then, games tend to be better with more people, like two.
while i understand why my cousin loves Da Game i secretly suspect he is slightly masochistic to want to be suspended in the 'want-don't-want' stage.
i like it like this, in this stage because it doesn't matter whether it's a 'want' or 'don't want'. i'm not looking for it to happen.
i want to love, for all its pleasure and smiles and highs but at the same time i don't want to love because men are such capricious creatures.
(then again so are women, even more pronounced with our PMS - 'perpetual menstrual syndrome', as some men put it. so. what gives?)
citing troubles
i have personally found it affronting to not be called wrong when i spelt 'warranty' as 'warrantee'.
i mean, hello, 'guarantee'?
obviously someone before me made the spelling mistake and I'M paying for it.
i'm sure that if the presumptious blunder hadn't been made when dictionaries were invented the word would have been spelt like i spell it.
'warrantee'.
even the great writers used The Other Spelling. bah. sheep, the whole bunch of them. they should have met me earlier, so i could correct that embarrasing confusion.
but too late and too bad for them, i am born only two decades back. you people now have the unbelievable honour and magnificent luck to have me in your midst, to tell you about this undiscovered mistake.
have no fear, adoring fans; even if the world trembles when i speak, i will not forsake you, the whos that are in my original list of mail.
LX
(ye gods. that was just a trial run of how i be were i an ignorant, audacious, stiff-upper-lipped snoot. while i
-shudder- kinda like it, it somehow feels like what should be on stage for a stand-up.
hum.)
i mean, hello, 'guarantee'?
obviously someone before me made the spelling mistake and I'M paying for it.
i'm sure that if the presumptious blunder hadn't been made when dictionaries were invented the word would have been spelt like i spell it.
'warrantee'.
even the great writers used The Other Spelling. bah. sheep, the whole bunch of them. they should have met me earlier, so i could correct that embarrasing confusion.
but too late and too bad for them, i am born only two decades back. you people now have the unbelievable honour and magnificent luck to have me in your midst, to tell you about this undiscovered mistake.
have no fear, adoring fans; even if the world trembles when i speak, i will not forsake you, the whos that are in my original list of mail.
LX
(ye gods. that was just a trial run of how i be were i an ignorant, audacious, stiff-upper-lipped snoot. while i
-shudder- kinda like it, it somehow feels like what should be on stage for a stand-up.
hum.)
the person so delicious
ooh yes.
i've found that person that makes the breath quicken and the blood run a blue mile; and bejesus i had found the one who is so fantastically... so fantastically... energetic!
what luck!
i've found that person that makes the breath quicken and the blood run a blue mile; and bejesus i had found the one who is so fantastically... so fantastically... energetic!
what luck!
Friday, August 26, 2005
the mouth that refuses to speak
yes i have been that for some time at work. shied away from the phone, shied away from people, hid in my corner and laid low.
but today, it's been good. started last night, when i started to speak again. realised people don't change, i do. and if they aren't going to change i'm not going to bother.
yay to me!
but today, it's been good. started last night, when i started to speak again. realised people don't change, i do. and if they aren't going to change i'm not going to bother.
yay to me!
Monday, August 22, 2005
cleanliness of mind
dear all.
if you know where to buy a bottle of originality, do let me know. i know a friend who is in dire need of it.
if you know where to get a slap of humour, let me know; i know a few who deserve it.
if you know where to find peace of mind canned, let me know, i need a bathtub-ful of it.
and lastly, if you know where to find a piece of bad luck, let me know; i know who i will throw it at.
if you know where to buy a bottle of originality, do let me know. i know a friend who is in dire need of it.
if you know where to get a slap of humour, let me know; i know a few who deserve it.
if you know where to find peace of mind canned, let me know, i need a bathtub-ful of it.
and lastly, if you know where to find a piece of bad luck, let me know; i know who i will throw it at.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
what's going on!
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
ooh, ooh ooh
and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
ooh, ooh ooh
and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
sometimes when you thought...
sometimes when you thought love was in da house you found out it had gone out da window.
sometimes when you thought the past had been run over by the wheels of time it's walking through the door in the same black tee and bermudas with AN INVITATION in hand.
sometimes when you thought luck was on your side you found out all you got was her backside.
sometimes when you thought you couldn't care less you cried.
sometimes when you thought people leave so they can return you realise it is really a one-way road despite the U-turn signs.
sometimes when you are going through shit you feel safer, because you know you just have to stick it through and you'll live to see another day.
you also realise that sometimes it takes good times to see someone's true colours, not just bad times.
sometimes you don't realise how the song that goes 'don't you make my brown eyes blue' means so many different things on so many different levels.
sometimes if you complained that 'money's tough to earn' - you'd better not be talking to an mp3 pirate.
sometimes when you needed to talk to someone the best you can do is a cactus sitting on the window sill:
"...whomever murphy was, he is dead right.
"...whomever murphy was, i wish he were alive so i can
kill him."
and the cactus doesn't spoil his cool.
sometimes when you thought the past had been run over by the wheels of time it's walking through the door in the same black tee and bermudas with AN INVITATION in hand.
sometimes when you thought luck was on your side you found out all you got was her backside.
sometimes when you thought you couldn't care less you cried.
sometimes when you thought people leave so they can return you realise it is really a one-way road despite the U-turn signs.
sometimes when you are going through shit you feel safer, because you know you just have to stick it through and you'll live to see another day.
you also realise that sometimes it takes good times to see someone's true colours, not just bad times.
sometimes you don't realise how the song that goes 'don't you make my brown eyes blue' means so many different things on so many different levels.
sometimes if you complained that 'money's tough to earn' - you'd better not be talking to an mp3 pirate.
sometimes when you needed to talk to someone the best you can do is a cactus sitting on the window sill:
"...whomever murphy was, he is dead right.
"...whomever murphy was, i wish he were alive so i can
kill him."
and the cactus doesn't spoil his cool.
you're beautiful
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
rejuvenation each day
so tired these days. physically. spiritually sound and mentally well-adjusted.
thank heavens for this regenerative ability!
thank heavens for this regenerative ability!
Saturday, August 06, 2005
the feeling
you know how sometimes when shit happens it's always your fault, even when it's not?
you know how you've become so accustomed to being wrong the first reaction is to apologise when someone accuses you of being wrong?
do you?
do you know the feeling when someone you trusts and admire at work, whom you thought supported you - he isn't standing on your side when shit hits the fan? even he is assuming you're at fault, too?
do you know the feeling?
you know how you've become so accustomed to being wrong the first reaction is to apologise when someone accuses you of being wrong?
do you?
do you know the feeling when someone you trusts and admire at work, whom you thought supported you - he isn't standing on your side when shit hits the fan? even he is assuming you're at fault, too?
do you know the feeling?
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