conversation

Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:01)
like dat also can can
Me says: (AM 12:02)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:02)
yah
Me says: (AM 12:02)
well..
Me says: (AM 12:02)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:02)
you prolly would know lah
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:02)
know wat?
Me says: (AM 12:02)
it gets tiring after a while and all you want to do is to do it properly
Me says: (AM 12:03)
and hope for the best.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:03)
hope?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:04)
like wat?
Me says: (AM 12:04)
hope that you get a partner suitable for you, that you'll be happy, that you won't have to deal with the horror stories that've happened to other people..
Me says: (AM 12:04)
that kind lah
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
nv hope in a relationship
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
b sure of wat u want
Me says: (AM 12:05)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:05)
my poor boy.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
u been thru a few relationship n u shld noe by now wat u looking for
Me says: (AM 12:05)
yah i do.
Me says: (AM 12:05)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:05)
u doesn't seem to noe'
Me says: (AM 12:06)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:06)
maybe
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:06)
dats y u say 'hope'
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:06)
if u noe dat this guy will b with u for life, u will b v sure with ur ans
Me says: (AM 12:07)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:07)
i've "known" many guys who "will be with me for life"
Me says: (AM 12:07)
so..
Me says: (AM 12:07)
i daren't say i "know" these days
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:08)
u noe wat i mean... for life meaning u ll marry him
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i know.
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i know.
Me says: (AM 12:08)
haha
Me says: (AM 12:08)
i definitely know what you mean
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:08)
dun waste time if u think u wana marry him but dunno if u thinks alike
Me says: (AM 12:09)
strangely enough
Me says: (AM 12:09)
they all do
Me says: (AM 12:09)
want to marry me i mean
Me says: (AM 12:09)
and i want to marry them, when i was with them. i don't have "plan b" when i'm with them
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:09)
sayig is 1 thing u noe, doing it is another
Me says: (AM 12:09)
yah.
Me says: (AM 12:10)
you're right
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
they say but nv do
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
they nv show any action to prove they wana marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:10)
o tell me wat has ur current guy did to let u feel dat he wana marry u?
Me says: (AM 12:10)
showed me to his mum
Me says: (AM 12:11)
brought me to see his dad in malaysia
Me says: (AM 12:11)
do all he can to make me happy
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:11)
dats normal ma
Me says: (AM 12:11)
okay
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:11)
did he sit down n plan with u the future
Me says: (AM 12:11)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:11)
he's too young for that.
Me says: (AM 12:12)
theprevious one did
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:13)
like when the 2 of u wana get married, how to achieved dat target, like saving money etc, plans to get house...
Me says: (AM 12:13)
he's 24, in the army now
Me says: (AM 12:13)
it's too far down the road for him
Me says: (AM 12:13)
if he were out of the army i would say yes, true. we should do that
Me says: (AM 12:13)
but... well.
Me says: (AM 12:13)
donno lah. ^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
24 is not young
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
look at my nephew
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
21 n married
Me says: (AM 12:14)
lol
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
n he got his plan laid out
Me says: (AM 12:14)
wow
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:14)
good thinking on his part
Me says: (AM 12:14)
that's great!
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
dats wat a guy shld b doing
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
not wait n wait
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
since he is in the army, got all the time to plan
Me says: (AM 12:15)
well.
Me says: (AM 12:15)
er. no..
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
sit down n plan with him
Me says: (AM 12:15)
just got in
Me says: (AM 12:15)
no time.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:15)
like wat he wana do when he leave the force
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:16)
how long he nid to work n save in order to marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:16)
etc...
Me says: (AM 12:16)
true
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:17)
so u c the whole pic now?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:17)
n wat u gona do nxt?
Me says: (AM 12:18)
i
Me says: (AM 12:18)
am going to cook myself some noodles! :D
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
go think bout it
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
no nid to tell me
Me says: (AM 12:19)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
but b frank to urself
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:19)
u can cheat anyone but not urself
Me says: (AM 12:19)
i don't think he's thought about it.
Me says: (AM 12:19)
"it's too far", will be his answer
Me says: (AM 12:20)
i.. don't want to settle down yet, i don't think.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
den u cant say he wana marry u cuz he dun wana commit himself with those kind of ans
Me says: (AM 12:21)
hm.
Me says: (AM 12:21)
yah.
Me says: (AM 12:21)
maybe.

-snip-

Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
aiya dun waste time la
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
come i marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:21)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
you sit down with me and you plan with me lah! lol
Me says: (AM 12:22)
then i believe
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
wah~~
Me says: (AM 12:23)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:23)
you just say one!
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
learn fast hor
Me says: (AM 12:23)
^^
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:23)
the go sit down with him la
Me says: (AM 12:23)
must mah, otherwise your meimei is doing to be real slow
Me says: (AM 12:23)
haha
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
yalah dats y i say u go sit down with him n tlk
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
if he dun wan den i marry u
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:24)
lol
Me says: (AM 12:25)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:25)
okay i can't see all your emoticons
Me says: (AM 12:25)
using mac
Me says: (AM 12:25)
mac can't see all emoticons, only some.
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:26)
but it juz come out as i type ma
Me says: (AM 12:28)
orh
Me says: (AM 12:28)
ok
Me says: (AM 12:28)
^^
Me says: (AM 12:28)
haha
Me says: (AM 12:28)
you'll be happy with me as a wife?
Me says: (AM 12:28)
you won't find it strange?
Long-time Friend says: (AM 12:29)
hmmm... strange as in wat?
Me says: (AM 12:29)
that we've known each other for so long and we've seen each other through relationships?
Me says: (AM 12:30)
eh brb. i go cook noodles

-end-

bring, briiiiing!

and the phone keeps on ringing....

bitch vs vain men

it tickles me no end to see how vain some men can get.

case in point is a certain fei that i know. he's not bad looking, but he's not good looking neither - you know the kind, average-ish looks with better skin than most? well, he's like that.

i offered two people the chance to appear in a popular women's magazine as an eligible bachelor and one of the two, as expected, turned it down, citing media-shyness. the other, however, snapped it up completely - hook, sinker and all.

exact words were: "i wouldn't mind". [edit: upon the latest check of the sms in reply, it was "i definitely wouldn't mind"]


hello? i knew for a fact that he's egoistical already, but wow, the vanity! the vanity!

it's a-may-zing.


the last experiment was on my own boy. i foisted it off him, but i didn't think that he would say no - put up a half-assed effort to "struggle" against the unreasonable girlfriend's decision maybe, but there won't be an outright "no". which i expected but it's disappointing anyhoos..

at least fei is outright vain and doesn't try to hide it and it's his choice to make. disappointing.

ahem, ahem!

just in case you guys think that i'm desperate to get married - i'm not.

it's like wanting a car. like you've always wanted that cute volkswagon, you can't wait to finally being able to afford it, to ride in it, to finally have it - but you don't need it. it won't kill you to not have it, but you want it.

and it's the same. i've always wanted to get married; but it's not something i want to hop into straight after i get to know a guy, probably not even for a few years.


BUT. it is important to understand that any man who does not want me enough to want to marry me at a moment's notice is not worth my affections. sad to say, something broke in me last night, i have a funny feeling it may stay broken for a looong time.


anyhoos. i want to be desired. being desired and wanting to get married HERE AND NOW are completely two different things. just in case you didn't get it: i want to be desired, but i do not necessarily want to get married, like, now.

capisce?

now, moving right along...

okay. in this case...


i'm going to go ahead and make my plans and am going to follow them through. i will migrate. to vancouver.

i am going to sit by the fireplace and drink a scotch, forget about making smores altogether, because that was my dream. no i think scotch and/or wine is more practical. more pleasant, too.

vancouver. two years.

yes, two years. 12th july 2009. from then till december 2009 i will be preparing myself to go over, after the formalities have been done.

i start my new life in a new country, from zero: 2010.

two-oh-one-oh. from zero. : )

ooh. license to kill!

my boy'd just told me "ooookay it's too far" when i was joking first-borns (rumpelstiltskin-esque kinda discussion) - and i realised that he doesn't want to marry me.

it brought a slight pang and i moped for a while (i'd be lying if i said five - i moped for an entire ten seconds. can you beat that? wow: ten!) - then i immediately knew that i have the license to kill! i can be not as bothered to keep "us" intact! :D

now it makes purrrfect sense as to why he's behaving the way he's been behaving. now i understand.


it's a disappointment, true, but well. i've no shortage.

death by blueberry muffun

i had a blueberry muffin today. it was delicious.

it was also two days old.


ohhhh... i don't feel so good.....

the bus drivers

on this occasion, i remembered the evening when i made up my mind to write about them bus drivers. it was on the night when i was still working with my previous employer... it was very late at night, and he was sending me home, along with his wife in the same car.

i wondered, amidst tears (had a humongous hiccup at work and since the boss and his lady can never be at fault, i'm the one to get screwed over. but that's over now, and i've been happier since i left that place), how the bus drivers felt on a night like this, are they exhausted, like i am exhausted? are the emotionally vacant like i was then, because they probably don't have a life outside of their driving routines?

the buses seem to hurtle at great speeds for a vehicle of that size; and i wondered, are they hurtling because they need to get their passengers back to their homes so they can get ready for bed, or are they hurtling for their own sakes, because they needed something to make them feel alive, because they wanted to feel the euphoria of driving in the night, of being a 'captain of the ship', because they had to? and what do they do, after this? who takes them home, then?

i know, that after i had cried i could've gone. sleep it off, wake up and get to work again, leave it all behind, a dream away.

what about these people, these drivers? do they get reprieve at all? what is their social life like, outside of their bus routines? do they have a social life outside of their bus routines? who do they work for? what do they do, exactly, other than open doors for us?

these are the people we see every day, but do not see, do you get what i mean?


and what about us, the execs. do they see us? and do other people see us, when we're walking to work, to lunch, from lunch, back home? or are we merely part of the population landscape? who notices us anymore? we're just part of the background, no? we're increasingly thinking that way and behaving that way.


is that why quite a few of us are "oblivious", so to speak, and "complacent"? because the world consists only of themselves. and when shit happens "they'll bring this up to the authorities, see if they don't!"

have we become a shallow, petty bunch?


ya think?

wow

yep. wow.

world of warcraft, to be more specific. nice game.

ithinki'mretarded

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Asperger's_syndrome?OpenDocument

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Autistic_savant?open


...okay so that didn't sounds that good. but i DO have difficulties dealing with people and i DO have some form of genius... just that you can't quite see it.........


<: x

career toast to the girls!

on another more cheerful thing altogether, i love my job!

absolutely lovely! i'm meeting people, deadlines are over, i'm writing and i'm having a good time. fabulous.


here's one to the girls: for career, for laughter on the job and for luck!

announcements

don't like them. never mind if i know the person who's been invited or not, but do not make last-minute announcements, then asking me if i'm okay with that.

that's not giving me a choice - repeat: NOT giving me a choice. what do you expect me to say, "oh, no, i don't think i'll be going"? i mean, don't make decisions then TELL me about it when we're the only TWO people going at the point of decision.

if it's a group, fine. i can still pull out graciously if i'm not comfortable because it's a group. but no. it's just two of us. if go i feel like i'm not getting what i've originally said yes to; if i don't go the other party will feel strange or worse - misunderstand that - oh i'm aiming for a date with you and was miffed because you invited someone else i didn't know about - and i don't want that.

does it therefore look like i have a choice in the matter? your manner of thought is quite strange, don't you think?


lesson learnt: do NOT do things like that to your friends. i will continue to NOT do this to my friends.

when it gets too much

don't let the bastards grind you down! (for jasmi)

Each day I wake up in this gray old town
Each day the system tries to bring me down
With a minimum wage in the factory
I'm slaving in the Twentieth Century

And the whole damn world
Is gangin up to bring me to my knees

And now the neighbors make it loud and clear
That they want no ravers moving in around here
I wont play ball, wont do what i'm told
I'd rather be a square peg in a round hole

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

I'm living in a world where I don't really fit
Every day walking through the same old shit
I'm gonna get my gun, gonna get prepared
I'm not impressed and I'm not scared

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

Me say the war must stop
No one canna win
Ah we livin in da ghetto
On da streets of dis town
Ah da whole world
I said dis a one
...you a man
You stand up firm gotta stand up strong
Listen ghetto youth dis how we keep in da land

Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!
Don't let them grind you down!

pussaaaayyy!!

(please don't mind the bad spelling)

Once upon a time in the land of fever, there lived a scarlet pussy
This kitty cat of fine descent, was cherished by her mother
Who wouldnt let another, pet her, unless he was qualified

Every 1st of the month this pretty feline got the hots
And thats when the neighborhood (d-d-dogs)
Theyd line up around the block
Meow

When my little scarlet feline roars
The locals come around (come around)
When they see the scarlet light
They know its time to come chase her down (chase her down)

Lo and behold the fantastical way
In which their bodies groove
My scarlet pussys furry magic alters any mood

Scarlet pussy (its cool)
Scarlet pussy
Pussycat, pussycat
Wherefore art thou, puppy?

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

Every dog would try his lines
To get pussys attention ([...])
All they want is so exposed
In ways too gross to mention (eew!)

Green virgin teenager
A filthy rich yuppie
Pussycat pussycat
Wherefore art thou puppy?
Scarlet pussy

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over your sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

Meow
Now whats going on?
Oh, no, man, look out!
Somebody come get this meow-meow of my leg!
Meow!

Scarlet pussy

Pussycat pussycat
Wherefore art thou, puppy?
Meow

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

She can make u happy, she can make u sad
She can make u crazy (crazy)
She can make u shiver from your head down to your feet
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets (oh!)

She can make u crazy if ure too close to her heat
She can make u sad when ure happy as can be
She can make u shoot your ego all over her sheets
All is hers in love and war, my little scarlet pussy

mini tragedy

scene: shrek ended its run last week.


tradgedy: i found out this week.

being understanding

i know i should be more understanding.

i know i should be.


this is one week out of many, right? don't be disappointed: everyone wants to "go home", because that's where "home" is. it's alright.

it's alright....


from the other side:
it weakens me, knowing it's going to be "another of those weekends". unfulfilling, unsatisfying. i'm trying, but i'm growing colder, inside. i'm slowly shrinking away. it's like he doesn't know me or know how to love me.

"i don't love you the way you want to be loved does not mean i do not love you."


yes, but that simply means i won't feel your love. i may understand your love but i don't feel it. i'm so sorry!

a girl named..

ginny cracked an eye open, a little afraid she might break the spell if she opened her eyes too quickly. the sunlight streaming in in shredded strips through the broken windows cast her room in gold.

she didn't dare stir.


watching her tin ceiling through her lashes she imagined how she must look if someone were to stand at the boarded doorway, watching her. how her hair must glow and how ethereal she must look - she must look like a princess - no, like a fairy - awakening from her fair, delicate slumber.


...it made spending nights on the hard floor in the hay worth it. almost worth it.

slowly, and a touch unwillingly, she opened her eyes fully and laid there a while more.


it was nice being woken up by the sun, she thought, but i have to wake, and waking up means taking myself off the floor.



and the day thus begins.

strange thoughts

a certain ms tan mentioned today that an acquaintant of hers - his body was found in the carpark somewhere. she doesn't know what happened to him.

which reminds me of my thoughts about my own mortality. i've always thought i'm the kind to die young - cancer, or an accident, or falling off the cliff somewhere on my first trip out to "see the world".


..i've always thought i would die young.

it breaks my heart

damien rice - blower's daughter

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you...
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

full life

yes, i live a full life, over at where i am at. :)

i am loving my work, my usual picadillos of deadlines and tricksy people.



fantastic! okay. be careful, now... do not let the high go to my head. steady, now...

fangs

bunny grew fangs today.


: x

knowledge

garnering knowledge means more than just typing in words at google....


and, obliquely in lieu with the train of thought:

"you don't know how you met me you don't know why
you can't turn around and say goodbye
all you know is when i'm with you i set you free
and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea

"i'm singin', follow me, and everything is alright
i'll be the one to tuck you in at night
and if you wanna leave i can guarantee
you won't fond nobody else like me"


-excerp from unkle kracker's "follow me".

the story of the honest woodcutter

you know the story of the woodcutter, who got a golden axe and a silver axe for being honest about his original axe?

well, that's not the end of the story, because the man didn't sell the axes.

for those axes are magical since they're golden and such, being gifts from fairies wanting to get rid of the odds and ends in their overstuffed maic vaults. the golden can actually return to the axe-wielder's hands after being thrown and slicing clean through whatever that stands in its trajectory.

the silver axe, on the other hand, grants the axe-wielder longetivity and health. that's why it's the size of a small pendant and can be worn around the neck - so it won't have to be lugged around like an extra ball and chain. thus the effect is: as long as the bearer of the silver axe has the artifact about the person, he is prevented from ageing.

so you see, with the two axes, the bearer of the axes is practically unkillable, even if he were peaceful.

but in times of war, the honest woodcutter's hand is forced, for the duke - not knowing the full story behind his prowess and longetivity - has heard of this curious man's "abilities" and had his family kidnapped and had the man fight in the war.

and so begins londis's tale...

nina simone!

this song is so upbeat it makes me feel alive just listening to it!

not the lyrics, just the tune. juuust the tune.


Love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You wont believe me but I love you only
Id rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

Therell be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue

I want you love, dont wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
Theres no love for nobody else

Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You wont believe me but I love you only
Id rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

Therell be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue

Say I want your love, dont wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
My love is your love
Theres no love for nobody else

attraction

oh, yes. it's good to know you're attractive.

:) i'm not outright sexy like a certain ms tan, but then i never was.



but it's certainly good to know that i am noticed by the boys. (thank you, Lord, Your ways of making me feel loved is extraordinary! i love You, too! ^^)

the shower

yeeeeep the shower and the bath is meant for one: ME.


^^

the truly romantic die of TB

it's better than dying of aids.


then again, those who are truly romantic, had been hurt and aren't willing to chance it again - those visit prostitutes. they pay for love because they either won't take it or they aren't given love.

prostitutes.


every lonely man needs one. and every lonely romantic man needs a pack of condoms.

this is how love should be

"she thinks she needs me" - andy griggs

she thinks i walk on water
she thinks i hung the moon
she tells me every mornin
they just don't make men like you
she thinks i've got it together
she swears i'm as tough as nails
but i dont have the heart to tell her
that she dont know me that well

she dont know how much i need her
she dont know i'd fall apart
without her kiss
without her touch
without her faithful lovin arms
she dont know that its all about her
she dont know i cant live without her
she's my world she's my everything
and she thinks she needs me

sometimes she cries on my shoulder
when she's layin next to me
but she dont know that when i hold her
that she's really holdin me
holdin me

she dont know how much i need her
she dont know i'd fall apart
without her kiss
without her touch
without her faithful lovin arms
she dont know that its all about her
she dont know i cant live without her
she's my world she's my everything
and she thinks she needs me

yea now the funny thing is
she thinks she's the lucky one

she dont know how much i need her
she dont know i'd fall apart
without her kiss
without her touch
without her faithful lovin arms
she dont know that its all about her
she dont know i cant live without her
she's my world she's my everything
and she thinks she needs me

She thinks i walk on water
She thinks i hung the moon

you know you're still in love...

you know you're still in love when an unexpected call makes you smile; that his kisses over the telephone makes you want to dance on the world like some cartoon you see on greeting cards.

you know you're in love when his tenderness makes you tear and you wouldn't exchange this moment for any other moment you've had. ever.





...okay maybe except for the time when you saw that annoying's kid ice-cream fall to the floor.........

regurge.

i feel like throwing up.

okay, here it is:

i'm mad at the whole army thing.


alright. i feel better now.

i have a voice.

in all my years of writing, i never have had issues with "finding my own voice".

never.


but recently, i seem to have to scrabble on the bare rocks of my grasp on language, the landscape of the grasp of the language, when it had been lush before.

or maybe that simply was what i had needed, what i required, nothing more.


maybe i had been living in a desert and had survived on "locusts and wild honey" - and had never tasted the literal joys of having a christmas feast complete with choclate pudding. though - how is that possible?

do i question myself now, after this many years of writing? or is it truly writing?

had i been very simply wringing metaphorical water from the rocks of the language desert that i thought was pure oasis?


now why do i question this?

because someone else told me "it" - my writing - is not good enough?

is it - CAN it, rather - be bad? ahem, let me say that again: CAN it ever be bad? because you - YOU - wrote it?


hm. this, is what i call "pits of growth". pits.



because when you fall into a hole, you realise you can climb.

our feathered friends

i've been watching this particular anime titled tactics, right, and there are three characters. the three main characters are a ghostbuster (ish), a fox spirit and a demon-eating tengu - which is japanese for heavenly dog. all three appear in human form.

tengus tend to be creatures of good and this particular one in the anime is no exception, only he's the stereotypical cool guy of the group: tall, fair of face and possesses a strong silent aura about him. absolutely yummy.

and to add a touch of mystery to him, the chap who'd written the original script's made it such that the yummy tengu is amnesiac.

but i digress...


so the tengu, right, has wings and he can sprout them when he needs some aerial mode of transportation or just for theatrical kicks (kicks as in "just fer kicks", not the literal *atchaaa* kick). here's the thing: i noticed the feathered characters in this anime have a tendency of dropping feathers each time they spread their wings to fly. i mean, i know feathers are romantic. sprinkled about, they can be very, very, er, shall we say - feathery? it's about pillowfights and good, cheeky fun.


i can't help but notice, however, that his wings aren't bald yet at the rate he's dropping them. just look at the birds around you - pigeons, sparrows - hell, ostriches if you live in afrique - just how many feathers do you see them dropping each time they decide to flap their wings? chances are: not many.

if they're dropping feathers by the score then you can be pretty sure that it's shedding season, like how the peacock's backside discards its pretty decorations after the time to impress the ladies had past. truth be told, the amount of feathers left drifting down to the ground whenever that tengu decides to take a flight - i'm surprised his wings are still covered in feathers.


do you suppose he plucks them our of nervousness when he wonders about his past? or maybe he thinks that THAT's distasteful and therefore only tweaks them so they won't fall out?

hmm. well. that man's got some serious stress; what with him having to defend his less-capable friends, having to deal with being a sidekick despite his charming package and, from how the story's presented, the possibilities of being a homo.


man, that chap's got some serious issues. maybe the feathers are indicative of something after all.

nothing like a...

nothing like a dead bug hidden in a rolled-up tissue paper to clear the insecurities/irks. here's how it happened:

i was having a runny nose and had absently pulled a new piece of tissue from the box and, after wiping my nose with it, squished it and proceeded to roll one part of the tissue into a shape that would ahem, clear my nose more effectively.

and as i was ..in the process.. of clearing my other nostril, i noticed something different about the tissue. it smelt different, a bit like, well, not like woodsy pulpy like tissue paper. so, in the same absent manner, i sniffed at it close-range and wondered why it should smell that way at only one end when i had used - well, both ends. and since i found it impossible to describe..

...i moved my hand from under my nose (still holding said rolled tissue) and looked at it. when the image came to focus (close range peering) i hollered and tossed the soiled thing into the crevice between my bed and the wall: there it was, the offending thing, all legs and feeler cocooned within the layers. yes i saw only one feeler.

no i didn't think the OTHER feeler was stuck in my nose then, i was too surprised for that.

and no i didn't know what insect it was, since my immediate concern was that it was far away from me, not identification.


...

it was two cartoon episodes and vigorous huffing exercises later, i decided that i'd rather it rot in the wastepaper bin than behind my bed, if it were really dead of course (some insects do play dead, you know)..............


thus with my thumb and forefinger i picked up the flung tissue and looked at it gingerly, if there's any way to look at anything gingerly.

the good news? it's dead, it's not a baby roach. the bad news? there's ONE, just ONE, but it's there anyway - bug, very much smaller than the original dead one, looks like a mite (yes, it's that small) not far from where the dead bug is. i don't know if it's one of those lil mite-like things that live off other deceased bugs and if it is i'd just had the entire dead bug's worth of it up my nose.......


well. crawling skin aside: the consolation is that no part of the bug could have been left inside of my honker (i'd've felt the scrape if it were).

...i think i'll go back to my anime. >.<

strange thoughts in my mind

i have funny ideas when it comes to men telling me they're doing little more than "nothing" at home, when no one's about.

phobia, is what i think it is. phobia and a deep distrust.


i don't know what that signifies and it sets me on edge.

alien, legal alien

i find it harder and harder to connect with someone, anyone.

this is unusual, for i don't usually have problems with connecting with people. i know i've had the practice "not needing anyone, for that matter", but needing people emotionally is vastly different from needing people in other areas, because you need "the other people" to be around so you can earn their money.

it seems like i'm rather brutally practical about things, whether or not i can take it. if i need it, i will take it. "survivor" is just another word for "rat", i've found: it's near impossible to eradicate this species.

maybe it's professional fatigue that causes me to speak like this, maybe it's physical - hell, maybe both.


it feels good now that i have people there for me. i'm thankful for it... the only shame is that the boyfriend's not there.

i must be without a soul to feel this way!

mousey girl who lives in a town

i find that i'm quite mousey, and that i hardly belong in the urban setting. the only reason i'm here is because i know no other way. if i were to suddenly need to live in the forest, i may adapt rather quickly. the forest is kind, but somehow humans walked out.

maybe the caves weren't numerous enough for all of us, that we have to make our own. and it makes sense to build a big cave, like anthills, only geometrically sound so it doesn't topple.

and then we teach our children how to make things - things we probably wouldn't teach another child lest our child is "outpaced", so to speak. then someone figured that it'd make the place better if we pooled out knowledge and taught everyone everything, and let the ones who are better pursue their knowledge.

then came the people, who still needed the same things they need - only they now know who to get to get the job done. "because little johnny jims is the best cooper in town! i swear it, 'cause just the other day..."

there then came the economy, after groups of people of different capabilities came together, and with the economies, they moved the world.



..ish.

and that "ish" is why i am a mousey girl who lives in a town instead of a mousey urban girl.

bad attitood

i find that women behave badly with their men and watch their reactions in order to see if the men still loved them.

if he's willing to put up with shit (just enough), that means he still does. if he doesn't love her anymore then it's only natural that he won't - cannot - live down the bad attitude.


it's the same with men.

a hamburger

i wish i had a hamburger. i wish i had a nice sandwich. i wish i had...

words in flight

thoughts are so fleeting these days i can barely hold on to them - much less put them onto paper.


hum.

bad skin

yes, it is the bad skin. my nose resembles a flesh-coloured strawberry with the seeds picked out. ugly as heck, and if they sold flesh fillers i'd be the first to buy it off the shelf - but they don't.

it makes me wonder how the skin can become from nice and smooth to ye olde pock-marked and leathery. is it the daily cosmetics, the toner, the scrubbing that makes it tougher? like spending some time in the sand-caressed deserts?

i wonder if it will make things easier if there were ways to make it look smoother, better, suchlike.


...i know i'll never look at a strawberry the same way again. >.<

the internet is another dimension

yes, the internet is another dimension; for what do you call something that can "travel between dimensions but have trouble making it across the room", to obliquely borrow the words from a certain terry pratchet?

yes, it is another dimension unto itself, but the said vessels of er, travel (transfer?) relies on metallic and/or electrical codes (read: laptops, discs, thumbdrives, whatnot). technology has very nearly become magic.


a new brand of sorcery, you think? and the only "mana" is electricity, which is harvested from the earth, still. coincides with the idea that "mana" comes from the earth.

..ya think?

and i miss...

for a fleeting moment, i missed a certain sam wong.

i wondered how he is, i imagined how it'd be if we'd met. would we silently acknowledge each other's presence, or would we simply let it go as that? maybe one of us would try to hold the other's gaze, but one of us would look away.

and for a fleeting moment, that fleeting moment, i was sad.


but i have my love with me, and he is the balloon that prevents me from falling into the sea. and i was free.

blogs and articles

some people hate blogs. they feel that a real piece of writing goes in there, shoots down questions with their answers and wraps up, neat as a pin.

some hate articles. these feel that a dry piece of writing goes in there, shoots down questions with their answers and wraps up, neat as a pin.

heh.


some people!

nightmares and the truth shall set you free

nightmares remind you of the things you do not want to think about - they make it hard to think, hard to breathe. they affirm what you fear and therefore cause you to steer yourself away from that fear.

...mine was of anger, gotten from living with my mum. she'd be the most infuriating person ever; and i don't want to have to deal with that. yes, she's my mum and she brought me up - but i'm not sure i will be giving her and me more grief or that i'll be giving her "a peace of mind" knowing i will be in the room next to hers when i do come back home.

hm. living with her is probably as good as living alone - that's a mother who's there but nowhere to be found most of the time. yes, i want to support her, yes i want to take care of her but i don't think i can live with her. i think i'll feel bad when she passes on, but right now, i don't think i'll choose to live with her even if given the chance.

smarties have the answer!

smartypants? am i smart? am i clever?

am i ...confident; sassy; witty - all the things i want to be? (and creative?)


feh.

i may be smart but i am blind. smart means you won't walk off the cliff. blind is when you don't see the end of the damn cliff.

faux pas

is it better to perform a faux pas and really, really remember the lesson, or to keep quiet and anonymous and take a longer time for the lesson to stick?

eyes

this has got to be one of the best days of my life.

an old lecturer of mine called me up today, and gave me the best gift i can ever hope for - insight, insight and jobs. jobs - well, that goes without saying how it makes me happy - but the fact that he's seen me for who i was, found my talent even before i thought i was remotely close to being "good" at it.

when he first met me i was still studying - he told me "you are a writer."

and all i could do was to smile, against my raging, hammering heart upon hearing those words - how can i be a writer, when i am studying design? it must be hogwash. besides, we've only just met! how -

but those words rang true. i knew it was true.

but daren't believe it. i daren't believe it, because it was sounded too close to my dreams, too close to my secret wish to be a writer. what if, oh Lord, what if i believed him, pursued it and found that oh, holy cripes, i'm not the person he thought i was, i could be? i didn't know which was worse: disappointing him or disappointing myself and therefore my own er, destiny - for lack of a better word.

it may sound terribly dramatic to you, but there is no other way i will - can - put it to you right now.


it's not easy to know, nor to explain, but knowing someone saw what you are even before you knew what you will become - is, is - oh, for God's sakes!

i've found it! i've found it again! my passion!

for a long while i wandered about in the professional front, poking my nose into a myriad of vocations in search of a possible "use" of my good self, from design to illustration to heck, even merchandising and sales - hoping to find something that i can excel at in the belief that whatever good that must come has to be worked for, sought after, demanded for, begged, jumped through hoops for - when all this while, i've had it. i've had it, i've had it and i've had it, through and through!

all i needed was this one person who saw, who believed in me. if that's not a visionary born years ago to touch this life, i don't know what is.

so thank you, mr t, for being the person to bring this to me at this point. THANK you. because you are the "guai lan" person i know you to be, so i know i can trust without having guess at your words' meanings; because you were and are my mentor. thank you, from the core of... -cough- from the core of me.


..and that's how i know this is a path i have to take, for better or for worse. this is the feeling of satisfaction, of happiness and trust that i've been looking for, through these two years.

THANK you.

sometimes

sometimes it is just harder to understand what it is that makes the whole world move. i start out as a whelp two years ago, was - am - rather dumb, ignorant. and i'm thinking, maybe i've learnt something, eh? it's been some time since i last started working.

unfortunately it ain't the case.

i hang out with the people i used to hang out with, and bam! i realise i'm still the young whelp that i was. maybe because they're still many years older than i am and i am their "young friend".

so often i feel like a fish out of water because i don't quite know what to say. financial jargon, societal ineptitude - not that i am that, but because i do not know enough. it sounds like that to my ears and if i sound like that by gods they must think i am superbly ignorant!

others aren't as forgiving as my own good self am. bear that in mind.

(fe)male bosses

sometimes it's hard working for a male: you have to deal with gender issues (sexual harassment - from previous bosses - being one of them), egos the size of mars yet show signs of bruising at the slightest puff of air, having to sweet talk your way to "approval"... it's like working for a woman (in the unpredictable sense) with some differences.

yes, those stories about having to put up with "i ain't talkin' to ya" behaviour from grown men are true. it's fortunate to say that not all men display this kind of childishness, like how not all women have a penchant for extended bouts of shopping.

it might be different working for a lady boss, though fortunately - or unfortunately - i haven't the direct chance. the closest is karen, my lady publisher. she's sweet, forthright and doesn't pull punches. genuine. i respect that.

helps that she's got very likeable manners, too. pair that up with ambition - gosh. that's who i want to be before i turn 30.


..big shoes. looks like i'll have to work hard!

out of sorts

i've been feeling out of sorts these few days; it's odd.

am i falling ill?

leaving on a jetplane

"So kiss me and smile for me
"Tell me that you'll wait for me
"Hold me like you'll never let me go
"'cause ah'm leavin' on a jet plane
"Don't know when ah'll be back again
"Oh babe, ah hate to go

"There's so many times ah've let you down
"So many times ah've played around -bzzzzzt"


YOU PLAY AROUND AND I'LL NBCB BREAK YER WOO-WOO, YE HEAR?!

barmy

army. doubled-edged sword.


..soo cheena!

pastiche

pastiche \pas-TEESH; pahs-\, noun:
1. A work of art that imitates the style of some previous work.
2. A musical, literary, or artistic composition consisting of selections from various works.
3. A hodgepodge; an incongruous combination of different styles and ingredients.


pastiche. pastiche. pastichepastiche pasteesh.

it makes more sense

it makes more sense to stick to this current job that i've been holding - writing, designing, with the chance to travel and then some.

yes, this is what i'm looking to go into. this will be my career.

thankfully i have a mentor here, who's been through all of those i-ain't-gonna-teach-you-squat shit. i can grow here.


niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

gave it up for gold

here's a little ditty i spun, when i was bored and the words flowed.

i drank milk and i'm puking it out loud
i had pie and i smeared it all about
i had wine but 'd poured it down the hole -
i had it all but gave it up for gold

gave it up for gold
gave it up for gold
i had it all but gave it up for gold

pwned

yes i've been duly pwned.

by my boyfriend, in the love frontier. i'd wanted to walk, due to many many minute little details and the prolonged absence and our lack of communication - but he'd convinced me otherwise.


i don't usually say yes to things as such, but funnily enough, this time - i've been pwned.

friends we are, friends we aren't

friends, friends.

it's important to have friends. i'm very happy around friends; shouldn't my beau be an even closer friend, thus?

we were friends but somehow lost that connection. i thought i had a wonderful thing: with him around i've eyes for nobody else and i've ears for nobody else. isn't that a wonderful thing to start with?

it's love, isn't it.


love makes fools out of me and you. love makes blind fools out of me and you.

sometimes i wish i were a wolf, for wolves mate for life and if one were to die (of thirst, hunger, whatnot) the other stays single for the rest of the way.

..other times i wish i were a mayfly, meant to be food for a bigger bug or a fifteen-second mate for another mayfly i'd never seen in my entire three-day life. then again, being a mayfly, i wouldn't have much preference, save that the other mayfly's got a woo-woo when i don't.

heh.

maybe mayflies have it better than us, eh? three days!

they've got to know what life's about, given only three days. just like how you'll only know life when you find out you've got cancer.


heh. cancer.

my heart hurts and it takes more effort to breathe than usual.

sorry

i'm sorry, but i don't think i'm matured enough to be with someone like this.

i'm sorry.

are you..?

are you as crazy about me as i am about you, baby?
are you as madly in love with me as i am in love with you?
has anything changed, has anything changed


are you as crazy about me baby as i am about you?

did you cast your heart in frost so love would last longer, darling?
in this microwave age everything's frozen desertland waste

until it thaws, for that moment, in the microwave

would you rather have it hot or would you want it to last a bit longer?

what is it you want, darling?

has anything changed, has anything changed?

deadlines and the city

nope, there ain't no sex no more. just deadlines.

deadlines and the effin' city. NOW i know why i like publishing this much.





..then again it's only been barely a month. hard to say, still. here's hoping things go well, eh?

pretty little dollar-signed world

Beauty can be bought. Affections can be bought. Heck, even love can be bought – because this is a world moved by economics.

You work because you can, because you need the money, because you need to have something to do with all your time. People employ you because you’re valuable to the company, because of what you can do for the company, because what you do can help with the process of money-making. And that’s what it’s all about – money.

No, you are not free. Every day you are bombarded with ideas – ideas of what beauty should be, ideas of what perfection is, ideas of what a lovely sound should be, - not all of it your own. And what is your own?

money. that's what it all has become. what you love may be what another makes use of to make money. and that's all it is, that's all it will be.

the book i'm reading

the book i'm reading is so cynical it makes me smile.

written by a frenchman in the creative industry, the author frederic whatzisname takes you through frenetic tussles with his day-to-day work life. and i ask: what is it that we're working for, for we are all peons, mindless hypnotised beings who recognise products by the amount of time they're aired on tv, the radio and in turn and seen on people as make-up, clothes, bags, whatnot which finally leads to its name being on peoples' minds and mouths.


..yes, that's the stuff i've been fed each time i flip to the next page and funnily enough, like a cow finally understanding that it's being given 'animal-based feed' - i read on, still.

i'm sure anyone being put through the daily workgrind (jas) will love that book. titled /strikethrough[english pound sign]9.99/strikethrough [english pound sign]6.99. by frederic beigbeder.

good thing i got it at $3.

the rain

it suddenly rained hard as heck like someone called a moisture kamikaze.

bunnneeeeeee

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/images/2007/03/21/keyboard_cleaner.jpg

the blog that makes me want to cry

i found this blog on a certain jennifer's site - the owner's name's joey - her blog made me want to cry.

i mean it. her entried are so heartfelt, so very sincere. separations, the passing of a well-loved grandmother, the return of a love from Faraway, that they've "made it". how do those not make you tear?

well joey, i hope you'll have a blessed life, may you always have The Lord's Joy in your heart.

Amen.

the future

got my fortune read in a spur-o'-the-mo decision. it's not good, it's not bad - it's full of ups and downs and suchlikein terms of financial situations, career and matters of the heart - how my fourth boyfriend (goodness knows i've far exceeded that number!) will be The One and the fifth will be The Two (the latter being the better but later choice).

i was warned against early marriage as er, it will not have a happy ending - though i was told that i'm prolly going to hear wedding bells when i'm 26. that's - wait. how old am i? wah liew that's in a few years' time! bah-sket i hope i grow some boobs by then!

...well. at least big enough to fill in the front of my gown. filling in the rest of my gown may not be... - my idea of filling in my gown. -chuckle- though... if that's a bad idea to get married at that kind of age - does it mean i'm predestined to go through a divorce? }: x


aaaanyways. i asked more about what the fortune teller meant by 'the fourth one' cause, well, i have, as i said, exceeded that number. so he explained - the three that i had 'put emotions into' - and all i could summon up were the ones who made me cry my guts out. i mean, hey how else do you know that you'd put emotion into it, right? if you didn't cry or cry too hard about it then i suppose it's not going to cut it.

so.. if that's the case - i'm telling you i'm still lost.


how arh?

pornos

yes, pornos. and what purpose do they serve?

geewhiz i don't know - men use them to feel good about themselves i suppose? it's like their 'coming' is all there is to it. read an article about the increase of rape games online. what's with that?

losers who can't get ladies to like them enough to sleep with them and therefore have to resort to this? and - get this - they have to choose young anime girls they can bend to their wills. heck pick on someone your own size!

no? because when you do and it's against their will it's called RAPE. geddit? i'll say it again: RAPE.


good sex for you (you came) does not necessarily mean good sex for her. and to be a sex god - please. you gotta do more than shoot fireworks in your own head, with your own head, capisce?

real men know the dual meaning to 'ladies first'. real women know how to reward their men. porn?


bah. looks like that's what the lefties are for when the righties are busy with the mouseys, eh?

the company

you know how some companies have employees who believe so much in their work that they refuse to leave it, that they get labelled 'workaholics' and people say that they're married to their jobs?

well i want a company like that. i want to work in a company like that, i want to build a company like that, in which back-biting is frowned upon and will be dealt with - and when you're in my company and you're just starting out - there will be someone assigned to train the newbies. as in, the chap's duty is to make sure the newbies learn, to show the up side and the down side of the job. i will make sure that there are facilities for the people, xbox, bar, playstation, suchlike within the office so they'll be happy there. i'll even give them a library so they can stock up on books on photography, comics (for the illustrators), design, creative advertising, magazines -

yes it looks like i'll be building an advertisign agency - maybe, maybe. i'll employ someone to run it, i'll train myself up in the finance area and make sure things are going good, and my secondary role is to make sure there is a lovely environment for the people to work/live in. and i'll make sure there are showers within the company's vicinity as well. maybe other than signing cheques at the end of the month i'll be the receptionist. after all, that's where i can keep a lookout on things, too. if i'm not too busy, that is.

but then if i'm smart at keeping things running (brains can always be hired muhahaha) i'm pretty sure i can be financially free enough to keep my employees happy and company running. if not i can sell the company, start a new one. :) we'll see.

because i know that i will succeed. amen to that!

reflection inflection

i was thinking, reminiscing. if back then i hadn't asked those hard questions to simon - would it be different? will i stop getting irritated at men who are boys?



..nope. HAAAHAHAHAHAHA

lomantik

i've been reading them comics, right, and it's about romance, right, about this girl who decides to enroll her good, senseless self into a boy's school so she can be closer to the man of her dreams.

and, right, she gets in there and manages to pass off as a boy, documents required to enroll herself into the school notwithstanding, right, then proceeds to have strokes of good luck such as managing to share a room with the person she's so in love with. so they stay together, no hanky-panky, just pure, good, simple love. he's found out about her gender, no doubt, but kept it to himself and took it upon himself to take care of and protect her. as a friend, and then, when realising that he's got 'a thing' for her, right, as 'something more'.

it's not all smooth-sailing - there are funky characters along the way that make things stranger than it already is and sometimes easier than it is - but all in all more complicated, right. and then i think - is it really possible in today's society? i mean, pure, simple, love? the kind that prompts men to think 'i want to protect her' and DO so, always be near her, save her from funny situations and give her a sense of safety?

it's more than just bringing home the bacon. it's not easy, it's not hard. it's just harder to find. i mean, a man who won't so much as look at another when he's got you on his mind and kissing you is still the face-reddening thing that he thinks about. you know what i mean? it's this kind of love and man that makes a girl swoon and it's the kind of love and man that makes a woman want to be a woman.

the kind of woman that every man wants - sweet, caring, gentle, the kind that you probably will want to protect as opposed to those byatches who sit in the boardroom in the powersuits and spiked heels. yeeeeeah you know what i'm talkin' about!*

so yes. i've been reading this comic, right, and it's just sweet. gentlemen, do you really blame us ladies for wanting that kind of love, when i'm pretty sure you also want that kind of woman?

yes, we want to adore you, respect you, cook for you, take care of you. a sweet man who's manly and sensitive and so charmingly protective will give you a woman like that. truly. give it a shot - try any woman and do that for her - and tell me if it's true.

i know where my money will be.


*okay i just got a brief talking-to. when i say 'power suits and spiked-heeled byatches' i mean er, those who er, look and behave like men and have no qualms about wronging rights to chase fame and/or dollar.

none of these are my friends, thankfully. i have wonderful buddies, thank The Blessed Almighty!

crossroads

yep.

crossroads. or a forked road, if you will. do you continue on with the one on the right (the one fork you always take because if you got lost you only need back up in a spiral) - or do you find it pointless and decide to go with the left, to, y'know, see what's on the other side?

but what if it's getting dark and you can't afford to get lost?

here's the good news: you don't know where you're going anyway, and at every fork is a possible destination. live a little, i say.

i don't know about you, but i know it's definitely the people that make things worthwhile. doesn't matter if i'm cleaning the floor at the nearby restaurant. if i can get myself to be the chief cook one day (don't ask me how a floor-sweeper can become head chef) and the people there're great then sure, why not.

but if the people suck and the pay's just so-so i might do it if i really really wanted to be head chef of that place. but then that's a big IF. cause doing time in an abrasive work environment simply chips self-esteem away.

we become resentful with life, we start hating waking up and going to work in the morning - where's the joy? surely life holds more than just two laughs a month - one on the day before payday and one ON payday?

weekends fly right by - not in a good way. gosh. MCs don't even help anymore.


so.

crossroads. you can't go back - it's not good enough and unless you've time wound around your magic spindle - nah-uh. so what do you do?

where do you WANT to go? is it just fatigue? or is it the idea that you can't go anywhere else?

what if you had the choice, to say - move on, to fly the heck away from the shithole you've been putting yourself in, 10 hours a day, five days a week? not that you will, but that you can.

will you stay?

one of the things i'd thought about, that. takes the stress away, takes the low self-esteem away. because i know that i'm a good thing, it doesn't matter where i go: i'll make it.

but protect your self-image... YOU can make it. but sometimes, your self-image (read: self-esteem) takes a thrashing before you can get out of there in time. don't let that happen to you. do NOT let it happen to you.

if you like what you're doing (the job) but dislike some aspect of the job, then try for a different place (if the part that irks you is not inherent in the job i mean. one example is perhaps you hate writing and you're a writer. no-go). maybe, hey - who knows, eh? - maybe you'll be happier doing that thing you'd always wanted to do.

the break

and now that i am freelancing - it is certainly better than to turn in to work 9 - 6 every day.

security in exchange for boredom. i wonder how people can continue to work at one place continuously for decades - which happened to a lot of people back then, when times were 'simpler'. heh.

i deserve the break! and sleeping till the sun shines on my face is certainly it. now to find a source of income that allows me to do just that....

how much for consumable warmth

bloody $2.

nabeh.

on beauty and compliments

i find it hard - very hard - to not tell a person he/she is beautiful when i see beauty in him or her.

and that more often than not has gotten me into trouble. each time that happens, i wonder - what is it about a compliment as such that makes people fear, that they think that i am weird, that they will be in danger of being stalked by yours truly?

i mean, can you imagine being stalked by a tall scrawny girl who laughs a lot and is always running around doing something? do you think Yer Haute Hawtness is truly Twenty-Ye-Gods-YO-HAWT-MAMA-thousand-degrees kinda hot?

Puh-leese. take the compliment and run with it already - fear for your safety? pffft don't make me laugh.

besides, it's not like i spot some beautiful stranger on the streets and go up to them to tell them that they're gorgeous!

not that i have told anyone such things lately (shame. i say 'shame' because i have seen some very beautiful people out there but just hadn't paid them that compliment anymore); cause the idea of complimenting them on their beauty is lost on them.

not many know how to be gracious and say a simple 'thank you' anymore.

read

woman to the devil:

"i know you consider yourself truthful because all that you speak are true. you just don't speak all of it."

brevity

person a: "if brevity were the soul of wit then i can safely conclude -"


person b: "that you have no soul."

nbcb

yeah. crunch time.

fiark.

yoga and ballet

in typical jia pei angle of thought: are yoga and ballet simply sophisticated ways to train the body so it can twist itself into impossible positions, just to find some new way to polish the joystick?

too many males (mush alert)

yep. there are too many males out there.

but thankfully at this moment my emotional feet are firmly planted on planet junwei, so all these little turbulences do not bother me. ask me the same question a few days back and the answer might've been different.

well. to cut a long story short, i'm glad that he's loving me, that i'm in love with him.


thank you, my sweet, for loving me. and i love YOU.

i like mornings

ah... i like mornings. it's when i peel my eyes open and haul myself out of the bed that i feel like i'm alive. after all, what's living without pain? (good lord)

and what pain it was, last night, during when i was repeatedly dropping off to sleep. i use the word 'repeatedly' because i was woken up each time i nearly hit the proverbial dream-ground and had a field day. (well. night. but you get my meaning)

as a result i woke with gusto (ish) come morning when i knowingly overslept and was going to be late - and i realise, after i'd arrived at work, that i looked like hell. eyebags galore! my face looked like it was sliding off my skull.

i wished, at that point, i had that dermatologica tube of magic to erase away the bags and dark eyerings - unfortunately it costs $93 and i couldn't afford it.


so yes. i like mornings.

and the best bit about mornings is: if i take breakfast, i will have to (if i can italicise the next word i will) go as the adage "what goes in must come out" is very true in the mornings for me.



truly. that makes me feel better about things almost immediately. ooh i like mornings! it makes everything that happened last night worth it, even though they've nothing to do with each other.




..well, almost.

like a hiccup

like a hiccup present in my throat the sob threatens with its inevitable presence.

wah lao

eh i'd just realised that my past few posts are all about them melons.


this must be the boobie-contemplating period.

bodily observations

..i think men favour bigger-boobied women because that's a sign that there will be more than just two liters of milk for them kids. and maybe when he's hard at work at - ahem - "drilling", he can get himself a drink without having to look too far.


...you reckon?

lackitation

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

how to grow nipples

here --> http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/health/HealthRepublish_1328801.htm

but i think it's easier to just super glue one on.

work

my work consists of working in the morning and slacking through the afternoon then packing up to go at six o'clock these few days.


i've the baaaad feeling that i'm going to have to pay for this later. die.

my boy

my boy is going to the army, to become a man.

some weeks back he's still quavering about it. but just yesterday, when he was able to speak about it, i saw the possibility of the man he might become. no longer scared, a little prideful, a tad curious - he's finally come out of that mental hole he's dug for himself.

a couple more weeks. let's make these count.

new year, new year

i agree with jenn: it's been a good new year. it is also the time when i realise that i cannot take kids: they make me want to shake them. hard.

it's been a few days worth of fatigue, been a few days of good fun. all's good, thank god.

bah

and yes, it's always about the sex.

tsk

The Day

ahhh

yes. NOW i can rave about love and V-Day. it's good to be in love. the saucy way.


;)

how to grow pimples

how do you grow pimples at specific spots of your face? it's easy: i did it accidentally.


step 1: bump your chin on the edge of your office desk

step 2: wait three days



and that's it. if that doesn't work, repeat steps 1 & 2. if there aren't blemishes there'll be a nice bruise which, in my opinion, serves the same purpose.

v-day

mine was celebrated in the wee hours of the morning. it was... quite graphic.

but seriously, no. it was romantic. i got a rose and a hand-made card.



thank you, sweetheart. it's a great end to a great day.

i speakee chinese!

i'd been to ye olde chinese regions of wikipedia today and boy, did i enjoy it! i understood what they were talking about and to my delight, i still can read i'm looking at.

i need to brush up my chinese. my old chinese and modern chinese. good golly! i need to WRITE chinese too!


i looove languages!

motha earth needs you!

ohkay peeps

this is started by someone who recognises that the earth is bleeding green polluted waters and is trying to slow/stop it. i don't know what i'm to do with this suggested email format but i know that i will continue to not use the aircon at home, try not to order for 'take-away' so as to not use the styrofoam boxes.

...and not buy a car, even when i've 'made it' and can afford twelve porches at one go.


that's what riches are for: you can afford to dawdle.

thus.

do think about what YOU can do to help, cause you may enjoy your dead-cow lined metal-box (your car lah) now but you will have to put up with neon purple toxic clouds later on in life. and then we have to move underground and due to evolution we become big black-eyed, white-skinned creatures over time and WE BECOME THE ALIENS WE'D BEEN TALKING ABOUT!

do you see where this is leading us?! them aliens are what we will become! no more hair! no more sexy clothes! no more hawt high-heel boots and men - get this - no more fast toys to play with! the girls with hawt booties with die off because those get stuck when crawling about in tunnels, it's through natural selection that those will die off. both men and women will become like earthworms..... HOW, LIKE THAT??


..so you see. earth dead = BAD.

please do your part. i've given up plastic sponges myself.


i now use metal scours.




yours, loren (read on below)

---


> Hi, Child of Planet Earth,
>
> Would you take care of your mom if she was ill?
>
> I feel compelled to send you this email plea,
> because Mother Earth, our only planet and home IS
> ill. She may not have that long to live; Some
> scientists had even given her an estimate of only 10
> years (http://www.climatecrisis.org/) before things
> became hopelessly irreversible.
>
> Humans unwittingly and carelessly caused Mother
> Earth to be devastatingly ill.
> (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/03/science/earth/03climate.html?_r=1&oref=slogin)
> I am sure this is not news, but you can get more
> information from this site:
> http://MotherEarthNeedsU.blogspot.com.
>
> I am worried about what would happen if this
> destruction goes on. Needless to say, if our planet
> becomes inhabitable, we, along with many other
> species living on this planet, become extinct.
>
> I don't intend to sell you anything, and this is not
> a Network Marketing Sales Pitch; all I ask is for
> you to add your ideas to this list, and hopefully by
> doing so eventually help all of us.
>
> This list is about what you are presently doing or
> is committed to do, to help reduce the burden on
> Mother Earth and to restore her to health. You can
> also add links to information sources regarding
> environmental issues.
>
> It may not be much, but at the very least, it will:
> 1) Create awareness about the situation,
> 2) Serve as a compilation of ideas for those who
> don't know what to do,
> 3) Act as a information resource for environmental
> issues,
> 4) Inspire others into action.
>
> When you have added to the list, please add 1 to the
> number in the curly brackets on top before
> forwarding it.
>
> If you are lucky number 50, please
> a) forward this email to
> "omnijoe(dot)menu(at)blogspot(dot)com". (Replace
> (dot) with '.' and (at) with '@'. Just a precaution
> against spam).
> b) reset the number to 0,
> c) delete the bottom portion of the email after the
> line, before forwarding it to the next person. This
> way, it doesn't get too long.
> e) if you don't know what to do, just leave the
> number as 50 and forward it to the next person.
>
> The list gets posted on the blog as the email goes
> around. I will maintain it and do some consolidation
> if necessary, so do check the site from time to
> time.
>
> As this is not a wish or resolution list, pls post
> only things you know you can do, have done, or will
> be doing and NOT things which you have no intentions
> of doing. This will keep the list practical. You may
> wish to add your name and country of origin. Please
> also DO NOT use this as an avenue to advertise your
> products or services as this is a non-profit
> initiative, and is managed as a volunteered service.
>
> Our Home and the lives of all its inhabitants
> depends on us now...
>
> Thank you!
>
> WHHO, Singapore.
> 3:15 PM 2/12/2007
>
> Net etiquette: Please BCC or hide the emails of your
> friends when you forward them so that they would not
> be exposed to any malicious spywares and spammers.
>
> Please list as follows:-
> a) Name, Country (Optional)
> b) What I am presently doing
> c) How does it help the Earth
>
> Example:
> Caroline Heng, Singapore
> - Started a program within my company to recycle
> paper. Making it acceptable for formal internal
> documents, as well as encouraging double sided
> printing.
> - Recycling paper carriers & plastic bags
>
> WHHo, Singapore
> - I am a vegetarian. This cuts demand of meat
> produced, which cuts excessive farming needed to
> support lifestock in meat factories = Less cutting
> down forests for crop activity & less methane (Earth
> Warming) gases produced. Ref:
> http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/27/opinion/27wed4.html?ex=1170478800&en=7b8b1dc47fc20263&ei=5070
> Meat and the Planet.
>
> ================= Please do NOT Delete anything
> above this line. List Starts Here:
> ====================
>
> Caroline Heng, Singapore
> - Rejecting Plastic Bags, as often as possible
> - Bringing my handy cloth bags out with me (Most
> plastics are bio-degradable, but why bother when
> most items are handy or fits into our bags?)
> - Recycling paper carriers & plastic bags
> - Started a program within my company to recycle
> paper. Making it acceptable for formal internal
> documents, as well as encouraging double sided
> printing.
> - As much as possible, requesting for electronic
> documents instead of printed ones
> - Reduction of water wastage (Mom uses laundry water
> to scrub kitchen floors during its cycles)
>
> Whho, Singapore
> - Reduce wastage. Turn off electricity from
> appliances when not needed. Use energy saving bulbs.
> - I am a vegetarian. This cuts demand of meat
> produced, which cuts excessive farming needed to
> support lifestock in meat factories = Less cutting
> down forests for crop activity & less methane (Earth
> Warming) gases produced. Ref:
> http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/27/opinion/27wed4.html?ex=1170478800&en=7b8b1dc47fc20263&ei=5070
> Meat and the Planet.
> - I take public transport as much as possible.
> Reduces consumption of non-renewable energy
> resources and emissions of pollutants to the
> atmosphere.
> - I will help educate as many people as possible
> about what we can do to help the Earth.
> - Please do watch National Geographic's "Earth Pulse
> 2006" and "The Inconvenient Truth" by Al Gore for
> information about what's happening to the planet.
> The statistics will shock you!
>

curdled

i look for a man but found a boy
mind's a whirl but still there's joy

a child at heart but a man outside
funnily enough there is that pride

dawn to dusk and dusk to dawn
why do i feel like i'm being torn

happy one moment i cry the next
is it time i face the facts

John Philpot Curran

"If sadly thinking, with spirits sinking,
Could more than drinking my cares compose,
A cure for sorrow my sighs would borrow
And hope tomorrow would end my woes.
But as in wailing there's naught availing
And Death unfailing will strike the blow
And for that reason, and for a season,
Let us be merry before we go.
To joy a stranger, a wayworn ranger,
In every danger my course of I've run
Now hope all ending, and death befriending,
His last aid lending, my cares are done.
No more a rover, or hapless lover,
My griefs are over -- my glass runs low;
Then for that reason, and for a season,
Let us be merry before we go." - ("The Deserter's Meditation")

"O Erin how sweetly thy green bosom rises,
An emerald set in the ring of the sea,
Each blade of thy meadows my faithful heart prizes,
Thou queen of the west, the world's cushla ma chree."

scene

scene: a girl is looking at a magazine, poring over the models' outfits and faces. she sighs.

girl (without looking up from the magazine): i wish i were born beautiful. look at them! how lucky these people are!

boy (reading nearby, looks up): -grunt-

girl (takes the grunt as cue and continues): some say they've had plastic surgery - but if i were to look like them i wouldn't mind!

boy (stares, but says nothing)

girl (a tad crest-fallen): ...i wish i were pretty, too. (continues to stare at the magazine, unseeing)





boy: but you're the most beautiful girl in the world.

chicken and egg

a certain kace told me something that struck me as *very true* today, it goes something like this: -

"it's easy to think that everything's fine when you're happy and content. i never knew she was unhappy, and i wish she told me before she left."


those words, heard from the man's side of things is... quite heartbreaking. but on the other side, i'm sure the women have been sending signals and warning signs already. and we all know that sometimes things like this isn't easy to say. chicken and egg?

i don't know.