i think well of people most of the time.
and because i do, they are therefore pompous idiots.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
baybeatific!
headed down to baybeats - boy it was awesome!
helped that i was there with two of my best buddies! it was a little awkward at first, maybe from the times we hadn't seen each other, but it ended beautifully. it's times like these i am truly glad to be alive.
not that i tend not to be happy that i am most of the time but you get what i mean.
cheers to friends and life!
helped that i was there with two of my best buddies! it was a little awkward at first, maybe from the times we hadn't seen each other, but it ended beautifully. it's times like these i am truly glad to be alive.
not that i tend not to be happy that i am most of the time but you get what i mean.
cheers to friends and life!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
samaritan schmaritan
i'd been mulling about this for two minutes.
confidence. what gives?
it's about self-belief, the self-awareness that you are capable, that you can take care of yourself, be it earning your keep and/or putting some moron's face in when he gets too nasty. it's about the belief that you can take on whatever the other person can throw at you.
you know who you are, what you are capable of, what you have. you have, therefore, a strong sense of identity.
then there's the feedback that comes from 'the random well-meaning person', who DOES seem to mean well but bloody can't raise any specific examples as to when you are 'not up to par' or may have 'stepped on toes' or whatnot, which leaves you bewildered. not too much, but just a touch. enough for you to ask yourself if that really is that case a second time.
not helping matters. possibly well-meaning, but doesn't help matters.
given my paranoid don't-trust-'em attitude, it's only recently that i understood this: while not many people in this world are 'good', not many are 'bad', neither. so whenever i encounter these kind samaritans i tend to slap them.
well i would like to, at least.
but seriously - if they see a problem and proceed to tell you about it without giving you the details of the problem it will be like someone coming up from behind you (blindspot) then saying 'EW' then continuing to gape and gawk and point at whatever it is that's on your back without articulating what in the world that's freaking him out so much.
you feel superbly uncomfortable because something that's on YOU is bothering him/her big time and you don't know what it is, if it's safe to brush it off yourself and you don't even know what to start to say to other passersby about the thing on your back. you get what i'm saying? the best you can do is 'excuse me (if you're polite) - is there anything on my back? can you help me take a look, please?'
and when it comes to things like 'oh, it's just something about you' then it's as good as squat. first off, assuming the person telling you 'you have a problem' really means well - sometimes it's good to get more information, like just what it is exactly that is not quite 'right' about say, my good self. and assuming there really were something not quite right about me, is it a quirk (maybe i wink each time i say hello) or is it something worth looking into because it causes a great deal of trouble (like i'm an unconscious kleptomaniac, for example, though it is really hard to be unconscious about putting things into the bag).
if it is the latter, then it is only good sense that you do somethign about it. but if it were the former - who are you to make me into who you think you will like? what do you think you are, micheal jackson??
and i'm no home alone culkin, however you may think i look like the malleable sort.
alright. nasties snipped away - if i were to find myself in this kind of situation - as in, i'm seriously bothered by some quirk/habit of someone's i'll be sure to point it out. if i can't articulate it i have no right to say it. a seemingly-DUH statement - but think about it.
confidence. what gives?
it's about self-belief, the self-awareness that you are capable, that you can take care of yourself, be it earning your keep and/or putting some moron's face in when he gets too nasty. it's about the belief that you can take on whatever the other person can throw at you.
you know who you are, what you are capable of, what you have. you have, therefore, a strong sense of identity.
then there's the feedback that comes from 'the random well-meaning person', who DOES seem to mean well but bloody can't raise any specific examples as to when you are 'not up to par' or may have 'stepped on toes' or whatnot, which leaves you bewildered. not too much, but just a touch. enough for you to ask yourself if that really is that case a second time.
not helping matters. possibly well-meaning, but doesn't help matters.
given my paranoid don't-trust-'em attitude, it's only recently that i understood this: while not many people in this world are 'good', not many are 'bad', neither. so whenever i encounter these kind samaritans i tend to slap them.
well i would like to, at least.
but seriously - if they see a problem and proceed to tell you about it without giving you the details of the problem it will be like someone coming up from behind you (blindspot) then saying 'EW' then continuing to gape and gawk and point at whatever it is that's on your back without articulating what in the world that's freaking him out so much.
you feel superbly uncomfortable because something that's on YOU is bothering him/her big time and you don't know what it is, if it's safe to brush it off yourself and you don't even know what to start to say to other passersby about the thing on your back. you get what i'm saying? the best you can do is 'excuse me (if you're polite) - is there anything on my back? can you help me take a look, please?'
and when it comes to things like 'oh, it's just something about you' then it's as good as squat. first off, assuming the person telling you 'you have a problem' really means well - sometimes it's good to get more information, like just what it is exactly that is not quite 'right' about say, my good self. and assuming there really were something not quite right about me, is it a quirk (maybe i wink each time i say hello) or is it something worth looking into because it causes a great deal of trouble (like i'm an unconscious kleptomaniac, for example, though it is really hard to be unconscious about putting things into the bag).
if it is the latter, then it is only good sense that you do somethign about it. but if it were the former - who are you to make me into who you think you will like? what do you think you are, micheal jackson??
and i'm no home alone culkin, however you may think i look like the malleable sort.
alright. nasties snipped away - if i were to find myself in this kind of situation - as in, i'm seriously bothered by some quirk/habit of someone's i'll be sure to point it out. if i can't articulate it i have no right to say it. a seemingly-DUH statement - but think about it.
perseverance.
yes, it makes me feel good.
it gives me a sense of well-being, makes me feel connected, make sme more confident. never mind the initial hurt/fear/passiveness.
it will all pass, and what comes after, will be worth it.
it gives me a sense of well-being, makes me feel connected, make sme more confident. never mind the initial hurt/fear/passiveness.
it will all pass, and what comes after, will be worth it.
another shot in the dark
i fired a shot in the metaphorical dark, hoping i'd hit something i'd like. i'd nonchalantly reel the find in, half excited, half fearing what i'd get.
it's like that when i go out each day.
when i get on the bus, what will i see? the bus i board every morning comes from almaysia, takes me to biggis and - what will happen there, who will i meet? who is the old lady with the basket tote, the kind that old ladise wearing home-made clothes tend to carry; why is she up so early to get to wherever she's getting to, every day?
is it for work? why's she working still, at her age? shouldn't she be awash in a sea of grandchildren somewhere in jaybubbee?
who's that fresh-faced young man, not dressed in office wear but in a tee-shirt and pants. not jeans, mind, but pants. and he's often asleep with his head resting on the rubber handle that's the seat's backrest with his backpack on his lap.
then there's this petite pretty girl, with make up and rebonded shoulder-length hair who boards the bus a few stops after i get on. she's lovely; but maybe because she is lovely she stares straight ahead, not seeming to notice the bus's passage, nor other people.
has she made a doll out of herself, so as to affirm her identity not just to herself but to others?
me, i've nothing to prove.
the way i hold my glass, the way i speak or keep my peace, the way i look at people - some say i am pretentious, some say i'm too direct. others, simply think too much into what i'm saying and/or doing.
and i'm determined not to be like that.
thus i continue to not assume and not pay too much attention. not too little, neither - just enough. enough to keep me interested but not enough to make me want to pry.
and it all keeps things interesting.
so what say you to that, friends? sometimes the opportunity to take the bus is a chance some don't tend to get. sure i'm lusting after my own vehicle, but since i can't afford it, short of selling off someone else's kidney (that would be fraud, by the way, and that requires brains which i do not have much of. pity) - the bus is a pretty good way to 'know thy land', if you knew what to look out for.
maybe, just maybe - before anyone travelled anywhere, it's good to notice things you 'forgot' to notice before, aye.
it's like that when i go out each day.
when i get on the bus, what will i see? the bus i board every morning comes from almaysia, takes me to biggis and - what will happen there, who will i meet? who is the old lady with the basket tote, the kind that old ladise wearing home-made clothes tend to carry; why is she up so early to get to wherever she's getting to, every day?
is it for work? why's she working still, at her age? shouldn't she be awash in a sea of grandchildren somewhere in jaybubbee?
who's that fresh-faced young man, not dressed in office wear but in a tee-shirt and pants. not jeans, mind, but pants. and he's often asleep with his head resting on the rubber handle that's the seat's backrest with his backpack on his lap.
then there's this petite pretty girl, with make up and rebonded shoulder-length hair who boards the bus a few stops after i get on. she's lovely; but maybe because she is lovely she stares straight ahead, not seeming to notice the bus's passage, nor other people.
has she made a doll out of herself, so as to affirm her identity not just to herself but to others?
me, i've nothing to prove.
the way i hold my glass, the way i speak or keep my peace, the way i look at people - some say i am pretentious, some say i'm too direct. others, simply think too much into what i'm saying and/or doing.
and i'm determined not to be like that.
thus i continue to not assume and not pay too much attention. not too little, neither - just enough. enough to keep me interested but not enough to make me want to pry.
and it all keeps things interesting.
so what say you to that, friends? sometimes the opportunity to take the bus is a chance some don't tend to get. sure i'm lusting after my own vehicle, but since i can't afford it, short of selling off someone else's kidney (that would be fraud, by the way, and that requires brains which i do not have much of. pity) - the bus is a pretty good way to 'know thy land', if you knew what to look out for.
maybe, just maybe - before anyone travelled anywhere, it's good to notice things you 'forgot' to notice before, aye.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
bottomlesspit-itis
i've been feeling hungry these few days: morning, afternoon, night.
i wonder what's happened?
i wonder what's happened?
as i stare through the ring
which is impossible because i'm wearing it.
that aside: it feels good to have a place to run off to. somewhere where there is only nurturing people, chaise longues, food, drink, music and entertainment.
lovely.
just what i need to cure social fatigue.
that aside: it feels good to have a place to run off to. somewhere where there is only nurturing people, chaise longues, food, drink, music and entertainment.
lovely.
just what i need to cure social fatigue.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
about men
i think the thing about men is to simply be accommodating.
but the more important thing is - they shouldn't matter to you too much. because when they do there is a tendency to want to 'change' and 'control' them, never mind whether we are or that we are not.
they'll feel that way, even when we're not trying.
and they know when you're nagging - 'when your mouth moves'.
but the more important thing is - they shouldn't matter to you too much. because when they do there is a tendency to want to 'change' and 'control' them, never mind whether we are or that we are not.
they'll feel that way, even when we're not trying.
and they know when you're nagging - 'when your mouth moves'.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
worshipper vs worshippee
i think, the reason why people fall into depression when they break up is really because someone they knew believed in them has stopped doing so.
some may argue that no, i will still believe in that person after i break up with him/her - it doesn't truly mean that we aren't friends or that i'd quit thinking he/she is a great person but rather because we're incompatible.
yeah, right.
what does it look like, if that person you're breaking up with really were this great? call it what you like - you're leaving the other and it's got be like a punch in the gut. (maybe that's how the gods feel when we denounce them ya? but that's another story)
that's why people tend to be bitter and have a tendency to say things like "so is he better in bed than i am?" or "does she do this?" or maybe even "why don't you go back to him, she must be quite special, otherwise you wouldn't have cheated (or whatever)" when one party does cheat.
and the worst bit is, whether or not the "third party" is special or not, it is going to look like he/she were to the person who was "virtuous", so to speak. and who can blame them?
because they believed in you the same way you believed in them. until whatever it is that led you astray.
so... i hope you hadn't missed the point here. what i'm trying to say is not about why people cheat or if people are scum for being unfaithful, but rather why and how we can fall into the trap of believing we aren't "beautiful" anymore.
it's simple, isn't it? because the one we believe in don't believe in us anymore.
no, i hadn't fallen into depression. i think i'm one of the hottest people in the world - beyonce can take her and her booty and stand on second place. and no, this one isn't inspired by any bloke - no man's worth that kind of sorrow.
"if he's worth it he won't make you cry."
'nuff said.
some may argue that no, i will still believe in that person after i break up with him/her - it doesn't truly mean that we aren't friends or that i'd quit thinking he/she is a great person but rather because we're incompatible.
yeah, right.
what does it look like, if that person you're breaking up with really were this great? call it what you like - you're leaving the other and it's got be like a punch in the gut. (maybe that's how the gods feel when we denounce them ya? but that's another story)
that's why people tend to be bitter and have a tendency to say things like "so is he better in bed than i am?" or "does she do this?" or maybe even "why don't you go back to him, she must be quite special, otherwise you wouldn't have cheated (or whatever)" when one party does cheat.
and the worst bit is, whether or not the "third party" is special or not, it is going to look like he/she were to the person who was "virtuous", so to speak. and who can blame them?
because they believed in you the same way you believed in them. until whatever it is that led you astray.
so... i hope you hadn't missed the point here. what i'm trying to say is not about why people cheat or if people are scum for being unfaithful, but rather why and how we can fall into the trap of believing we aren't "beautiful" anymore.
it's simple, isn't it? because the one we believe in don't believe in us anymore.
no, i hadn't fallen into depression. i think i'm one of the hottest people in the world - beyonce can take her and her booty and stand on second place. and no, this one isn't inspired by any bloke - no man's worth that kind of sorrow.
"if he's worth it he won't make you cry."
'nuff said.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
awwww
“It didn't dawn on me until you were gone just how much I would mis you. Sometimes I start to pick up the phone to see if you want to do something, and then I remember you're far away. Or I go somewhere we used to go, see people having fun, and wish we could be there, too, laughing and talking like they are. Don't get me wrong...I hope you're having a good time exploring new places and making new friends. I just miss you...I guess that's only natural when someone means as much to me as you.”
-renee duvall
-renee duvall
witticism
http://www.clown-ministry.com/index_1.php?/site/articles/clean_funny_jokes_more_witty_sayings/
where else do you find lines like "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm", "The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes" and A day without sunshine is like, night."
hahaha i must be high on the thinner fumes that's filling the office.
where else do you find lines like "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm", "The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes" and A day without sunshine is like, night."
hahaha i must be high on the thinner fumes that's filling the office.
Friday, June 23, 2006
left
people at my workplace are leaving.
i don't really know why. overworked, misunderstood, whatnot? i don't understand.
and what does this mean, really? so what does it say? workplace.
workplace does not equal home, but what gives?
i don't really know why. overworked, misunderstood, whatnot? i don't understand.
and what does this mean, really? so what does it say? workplace.
workplace does not equal home, but what gives?
Thursday, June 22, 2006
call me johnny too quick
too quick too impatient.
and damn i get results. if i didn't i'm sure i would be less destructive.
but i'm lovin' it (tm).
and damn i get results. if i didn't i'm sure i would be less destructive.
but i'm lovin' it (tm).
from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sneezing
"Sneezing is generally caused by irritation in the passages of the nose. Allergens such as pollens, pet dander, house dust mites, as well as nonallergenic particles are usually harmless, but when they irritate the nose the body responds by expelling them from the nasal passages. The nose mistakes strong odors, sudden chills, bright lights (see photic sneeze reflex), and even orgasms in some people for nasal irritants, and it tries to defend itself with a sneeze."
whoaaa defending itself against an orgasm!
whoaaa defending itself against an orgasm!
you've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
eh jas how come your blogsite only got coconuts?
what happened to your site?
every time i hit your site these few i jump at the possibility of people passing by my monitor and chancing a look.
-stress-
what happened to your site?
every time i hit your site these few i jump at the possibility of people passing by my monitor and chancing a look.
-stress-
party
was quite bummed when i got word from a friend of mine that she wasn't that keen on attending a party i had been invited to, and had been invited to ask more friends to attend.
maybe it was the way i worded it but it rather turned her off the whole deal.
i don't quite get it but at the same time i get it. it's like i understand that emotionally but not intellectually (or vice versa); a tad like practical science vs theoretical science. you know what should happen in an experiment, why it happens, but don't kno-ohw it until you really see that potassium REALLY burns in a bright blue flame. you get what i mean?
btw, su, you're invited as well. keep trying to call you these few but just don't seem to be able to get hold of you.
lemme know.
so... yes i'm bummed cause this looks to be a chance to go out and have fun as a group, know more people, see how we all fare as a group, as an individual, our schmoozing style etc etc. we know each other personally but don't know each other. it's weird.
it's a tad like sex & e city kinda meet-up; only the four of us each time.
heck it's mostly three these days.
i'm 'the busy one', they say.
yeah. maybe.
if you say so then it must be true.
alright, carping's over. good day.
maybe it was the way i worded it but it rather turned her off the whole deal.
i don't quite get it but at the same time i get it. it's like i understand that emotionally but not intellectually (or vice versa); a tad like practical science vs theoretical science. you know what should happen in an experiment, why it happens, but don't kno-ohw it until you really see that potassium REALLY burns in a bright blue flame. you get what i mean?
btw, su, you're invited as well. keep trying to call you these few but just don't seem to be able to get hold of you.
lemme know.
so... yes i'm bummed cause this looks to be a chance to go out and have fun as a group, know more people, see how we all fare as a group, as an individual, our schmoozing style etc etc. we know each other personally but don't know each other. it's weird.
it's a tad like sex & e city kinda meet-up; only the four of us each time.
heck it's mostly three these days.
i'm 'the busy one', they say.
yeah. maybe.
if you say so then it must be true.
alright, carping's over. good day.
share-share lah
today, as i think of the emails i had sent, the things i had shared - i wonder if i had shared too much.
hmm.
might be time to be charmingly irreverent again, yes?
hmm.
might be time to be charmingly irreverent again, yes?
Monday, June 19, 2006
-whistle-
by golly, methinks me is going through men faster than a hot butter through knife!
wait - hot knife through butter! i meant hot knife through butter.
so this chap was nice but it looks to be no-go. 38. i liked the chap, but too bad.
buh-bye darren, helloooo singlehood! :D
-satisfied-
wait - hot knife through butter! i meant hot knife through butter.
so this chap was nice but it looks to be no-go. 38. i liked the chap, but too bad.
buh-bye darren, helloooo singlehood! :D
-satisfied-
Monday, June 12, 2006
perception, the perceived.
humans form perceptions. like it or not, they form perceptions.
that's it's such a lethal tool. once you notice it, you know what you're about.
you know what others are about.
it does not mean that you won't be who you are or that others are mere fakes - it means that you will be more aware of falsehoods, masks.
and you will be truer to yourself than before.
do you get what i mean?
that's it's such a lethal tool. once you notice it, you know what you're about.
you know what others are about.
it does not mean that you won't be who you are or that others are mere fakes - it means that you will be more aware of falsehoods, masks.
and you will be truer to yourself than before.
do you get what i mean?
like a dusty old crone
like a dusty old crone i had forgotten, the well-loved faces of these ladies i know.
we were mere girls back then. now we are ladies.
how i've missed you, sweet people. how are you? where, are you, too? it's been too long.
someone told me i'm got a lonely little pot. i think, that after so long, i've an inkling of what it is.
i think it's the lack of you.
we were mere girls back then. now we are ladies.
how i've missed you, sweet people. how are you? where, are you, too? it's been too long.
someone told me i'm got a lonely little pot. i think, that after so long, i've an inkling of what it is.
i think it's the lack of you.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
morbid
i've this morbid fascination with parasites. i've been looking out for things like guns and printers and how to defend your home and suchlike, and i'm suddenly wondering why. is it because i've a terrorist mentality?
it's weird.
i stayed in my previous apartment in the north-east and devised evil ways to deter intruders. unless they have guns or that they're mighty experienced - that or very very determined (read: desperate) - chances are they'd turn tail and run. hmm. i hadn't devised a way to trap them though.
that will be the next step.
thus i am reading up on traps. so they cannot run and may be captured. can be quite tough a target but i'm sure, with enough devious planning, i will be able to capture unwanted intruders.
but of course. i'm probably the only person out there who's got a real interest in safe-breaking, lock-picking, home-defending and gun-wielding. heh.
on top of having an avid interest in making my own things to wear and pottery, of course. ah well. maybe i should have something that can take my interest to another level. it will be interesting, no?
i mean, knowing that i can hit the mark from donno-how-far-off is quite a reassuring thing. besides grappling the person when i have absolutely no choice, i must know i have a weapon at hand to defend myself with. HMMMM
guess it's time to work out now. no strength, no fight, unless you got skills like blow-pipe er - blowing?
well yes. i'm sure you get what i mean. and this is the kind of thing people like me get into when they get bored, bored at work, with nothing to do and had to surf to keep their brainwave level up so i don't actually fall asleep. quite sad, now, come to think of it, that i have to concentrate on my typing, how my fingers somehow finding the keys to press to scramble words onto the screen.
funky, no?
ah well. back to trap-making. maybe i can devise funny things that will freak people out: like flining jars of leeches, ants and centipedes onto people who come into my home without first announcing themselves. not a real physical attack, more like mental attack.
i realise: that if i were to attack anyone i would be attacking the mind. definitely the mind.
so well. maybe i'm quite the paranoid person i think i am.
it's weird.
i stayed in my previous apartment in the north-east and devised evil ways to deter intruders. unless they have guns or that they're mighty experienced - that or very very determined (read: desperate) - chances are they'd turn tail and run. hmm. i hadn't devised a way to trap them though.
that will be the next step.
thus i am reading up on traps. so they cannot run and may be captured. can be quite tough a target but i'm sure, with enough devious planning, i will be able to capture unwanted intruders.
but of course. i'm probably the only person out there who's got a real interest in safe-breaking, lock-picking, home-defending and gun-wielding. heh.
on top of having an avid interest in making my own things to wear and pottery, of course. ah well. maybe i should have something that can take my interest to another level. it will be interesting, no?
i mean, knowing that i can hit the mark from donno-how-far-off is quite a reassuring thing. besides grappling the person when i have absolutely no choice, i must know i have a weapon at hand to defend myself with. HMMMM
guess it's time to work out now. no strength, no fight, unless you got skills like blow-pipe er - blowing?
well yes. i'm sure you get what i mean. and this is the kind of thing people like me get into when they get bored, bored at work, with nothing to do and had to surf to keep their brainwave level up so i don't actually fall asleep. quite sad, now, come to think of it, that i have to concentrate on my typing, how my fingers somehow finding the keys to press to scramble words onto the screen.
funky, no?
ah well. back to trap-making. maybe i can devise funny things that will freak people out: like flining jars of leeches, ants and centipedes onto people who come into my home without first announcing themselves. not a real physical attack, more like mental attack.
i realise: that if i were to attack anyone i would be attacking the mind. definitely the mind.
so well. maybe i'm quite the paranoid person i think i am.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
monday, monday
heh. this reminds me of the breakup i had with a certain simony.
and that's how i know that darren means something to me.
but run the heck away, run the heck away.
and that's how i know that darren means something to me.
but run the heck away, run the heck away.
the first one in a long time
i'd been to malaysia yesterday with this darren chap.
had a hoot and a holler walking about, got back to singapore.
later i found out that he wanted me about because he'd overstayed by 15 days and if he were to be detained i would be the one doing the calling. he used me. bastard.
and hadn't even told me what's going on beforehand. loosed an sms to him, saying it's not acceptable and got a reply that read, very simply, 'fine!'
the worst thing is: i woke with a vaguely aching heart. man, this chap's already meaning something to me? gosh. what'm i getting into, here? is it even safe to throw caution to the wind, 'ride it', as he says?
i'm not so sure myself. i like him. but is this the right way?
had a hoot and a holler walking about, got back to singapore.
later i found out that he wanted me about because he'd overstayed by 15 days and if he were to be detained i would be the one doing the calling. he used me. bastard.
and hadn't even told me what's going on beforehand. loosed an sms to him, saying it's not acceptable and got a reply that read, very simply, 'fine!'
the worst thing is: i woke with a vaguely aching heart. man, this chap's already meaning something to me? gosh. what'm i getting into, here? is it even safe to throw caution to the wind, 'ride it', as he says?
i'm not so sure myself. i like him. but is this the right way?
Friday, June 02, 2006
lemming-ed
i was looking through the massive library called the internet today, and had randomly asked a librarian named google to find me pictures of lemmings.
what i got was mainly blue-clothed little squirts with green hair - they looked like they got their genetical fashion sense from from foreign planet still stuck in yesterday's future. what i was looking for was the adorable picture of a lemming held in a palm.
so i went through the rest of the pictures and was rewarded with that self-same pictuure from wikipedia's archives. goodness that picture made me melt. it must be an infant lemming: the facial features screamed 'baby' at me - how else do i fall in love with a species that so closely resembles humans.
how?
well, they are solitary animals though they can be social. meaning they can tolerate random visitors for short periods of time but will display kickass attitude when the chap overstays its welcome. and we're talking internal bleeding lynchings; the dominant male will attack - such cute little things? attack? - until there is internal bleeding, then leaves the defending lemming to slowly bleed to death. all internal. if this doesn't remind me of humans, what does?
but anyways, adorable furry things with human tendencies aside: they're SO CUUUTE!
just check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steppe_Lemming - you'll be in love, too.
what i got was mainly blue-clothed little squirts with green hair - they looked like they got their genetical fashion sense from from foreign planet still stuck in yesterday's future. what i was looking for was the adorable picture of a lemming held in a palm.
so i went through the rest of the pictures and was rewarded with that self-same pictuure from wikipedia's archives. goodness that picture made me melt. it must be an infant lemming: the facial features screamed 'baby' at me - how else do i fall in love with a species that so closely resembles humans.
how?
well, they are solitary animals though they can be social. meaning they can tolerate random visitors for short periods of time but will display kickass attitude when the chap overstays its welcome. and we're talking internal bleeding lynchings; the dominant male will attack - such cute little things? attack? - until there is internal bleeding, then leaves the defending lemming to slowly bleed to death. all internal. if this doesn't remind me of humans, what does?
but anyways, adorable furry things with human tendencies aside: they're SO CUUUTE!
just check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steppe_Lemming - you'll be in love, too.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
my father
my father's a sailor, he's last heard to be in taiwan.
before he sets sail he will usually give us a call and let us know what's going on - how long the trip will be where he will be and suchlike. either way we'd know what's going on.
but for the past three weeks nobody can get in touch with him. sms-es - nothing. it may have been some funky mobile phone disease that slowly but surely poisons the phone's circuits and causes them to rot away - but one thing's for sure: my father's missing.
he won't even go when we told him to take a one-way hike. his sudden disappearance is therefore worrying and please, pray for his safe return.
i change my mind about his hike.
before he sets sail he will usually give us a call and let us know what's going on - how long the trip will be where he will be and suchlike. either way we'd know what's going on.
but for the past three weeks nobody can get in touch with him. sms-es - nothing. it may have been some funky mobile phone disease that slowly but surely poisons the phone's circuits and causes them to rot away - but one thing's for sure: my father's missing.
he won't even go when we told him to take a one-way hike. his sudden disappearance is therefore worrying and please, pray for his safe return.
i change my mind about his hike.
Monday, May 29, 2006
eraser dust
it's more precious than the eraser, more precious than the liquid paper.
because it holds thoughts that was once on paper, whether or not they're 'good'. liquid paper? it just covers it all up.
oh yes, i prefer the eraser indeed.
because it holds thoughts that was once on paper, whether or not they're 'good'. liquid paper? it just covers it all up.
oh yes, i prefer the eraser indeed.
life's lessons
i'm driving someone at the office nuts.
not intentionally, mind. and no, i am not talking about the boss of mine. after my email to him, he seems to have more respect for me. not that i had told him off or anything like that; it was more of a respectful request and that i know where my faults lie and that i will try my best to improve.
and i'm glad that it's this way; i gotta start somewhere and it shouldn't be 'bitching'.
but this other person, though in no way directly working with me, seems to be looking at me like i were a leper. it's so bad that she would actually swerve to get out of my way. and when she didn't she's suddenly find the floor so VERY interesting suddenly.
i cannot, for the life of me, understand why. she was quite warm towards me when i just came in, and she took care of me.
how it came to this, i have some inkling of but no clear idea as to why. i know i hated her tone and i had told two colleagues about it. but other than that -
hmm. maybe i've been backstabbed, maybe it's one of those things. but whatever it is, i know sincere communication will make it better.
simply because not many people in this world strikes out to be a 'bad' person and more often than not will take heed if the other person is sincere enough. plus i'm quite sure she's not a 'bad' person. why i'm doing this, you ask, that it's not worth my time and such?
maybe. but it will be less tiring for us both in the long run, with her trying to keep her area of breathing air clean by not having me in it and me wondering what kind of nasties she's going to send when we DO have to email each other.
so yes, i'm going to speak with her. find out what's wrong.
loren
not intentionally, mind. and no, i am not talking about the boss of mine. after my email to him, he seems to have more respect for me. not that i had told him off or anything like that; it was more of a respectful request and that i know where my faults lie and that i will try my best to improve.
and i'm glad that it's this way; i gotta start somewhere and it shouldn't be 'bitching'.
but this other person, though in no way directly working with me, seems to be looking at me like i were a leper. it's so bad that she would actually swerve to get out of my way. and when she didn't she's suddenly find the floor so VERY interesting suddenly.
i cannot, for the life of me, understand why. she was quite warm towards me when i just came in, and she took care of me.
how it came to this, i have some inkling of but no clear idea as to why. i know i hated her tone and i had told two colleagues about it. but other than that -
hmm. maybe i've been backstabbed, maybe it's one of those things. but whatever it is, i know sincere communication will make it better.
simply because not many people in this world strikes out to be a 'bad' person and more often than not will take heed if the other person is sincere enough. plus i'm quite sure she's not a 'bad' person. why i'm doing this, you ask, that it's not worth my time and such?
maybe. but it will be less tiring for us both in the long run, with her trying to keep her area of breathing air clean by not having me in it and me wondering what kind of nasties she's going to send when we DO have to email each other.
so yes, i'm going to speak with her. find out what's wrong.
loren
Friday, May 26, 2006
hierachies
isn't it fun.
my magazine closed today and i realised with quite a jolt that i'm right down there where amoebas are in the food chain.
don't ask me how it happened, i don't know how myself, but i suspect it's something got to do with seein gmyself being called 'junior designer' when everyone else is, basically, 'designer' or 'senior designer'.
so yes. amoeba.
regrouping, i am.
amoeba, not very long. big predator become i will.
-meaningful little green creature nod-
my magazine closed today and i realised with quite a jolt that i'm right down there where amoebas are in the food chain.
don't ask me how it happened, i don't know how myself, but i suspect it's something got to do with seein gmyself being called 'junior designer' when everyone else is, basically, 'designer' or 'senior designer'.
so yes. amoeba.
regrouping, i am.
amoeba, not very long. big predator become i will.
-meaningful little green creature nod-
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
in reply.
in reply to a friend's query over sms, why the late nights, dear:
heh. landladies, whom've got a charming tendency to be sarcastic when i return late. especially those who have been principals for the most of their lives and a teacher the rest of it. i'm betting the next career change is 'jailor'.
yes i've been having some trouble with the landlady lately, all seventy-odd years of it. thus i'm looking for another place to stay. same location, but different place. hoping to land one that's got a decently-sized room, with an attached bathroom, if possible. and that's it. nothing more, nothing less. i don't need sofas, whatnot. i need a mirror, a closet, and that's it.
and no crochety ole landladies who, after taking my rent monies saw fit to throw in the bargain of being my mother as well.
my mother's better-looking and younger than you, thank you very much, and i prefer to have only one.
now you can stick your self-righteous scrawny neck where someone'd be bothered.
heh. landladies, whom've got a charming tendency to be sarcastic when i return late. especially those who have been principals for the most of their lives and a teacher the rest of it. i'm betting the next career change is 'jailor'.
yes i've been having some trouble with the landlady lately, all seventy-odd years of it. thus i'm looking for another place to stay. same location, but different place. hoping to land one that's got a decently-sized room, with an attached bathroom, if possible. and that's it. nothing more, nothing less. i don't need sofas, whatnot. i need a mirror, a closet, and that's it.
and no crochety ole landladies who, after taking my rent monies saw fit to throw in the bargain of being my mother as well.
my mother's better-looking and younger than you, thank you very much, and i prefer to have only one.
now you can stick your self-righteous scrawny neck where someone'd be bothered.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
the (h)ex that won't go away
mark.
babes would know this name, especially jenn.
mark koh, yea. bumped into him when i was taken out for drinks last night, by a 35-year old man who's going to fly to hong kong to talk to his girlfriend today whom, if things go well, is going to return with him to be his wife.
and that man with the ticket to a wife is sebastian. he's rather hot on my trail, but fortunately (or unfortunately, i hadn't decided yet. and you'll know why later) i'd bumped into mark. and his boss, who's offering me something of a job meant for later on.
and fortunately (definitely fortunately) he's off on the plane right now to HK, to leave me alone. and i pray it stays that way.
and now mark calls. wants to get together, but first he's got to settle a pregnancy scare.
-shake head- why they all lie dat one???
wah lao.
babes would know this name, especially jenn.
mark koh, yea. bumped into him when i was taken out for drinks last night, by a 35-year old man who's going to fly to hong kong to talk to his girlfriend today whom, if things go well, is going to return with him to be his wife.
and that man with the ticket to a wife is sebastian. he's rather hot on my trail, but fortunately (or unfortunately, i hadn't decided yet. and you'll know why later) i'd bumped into mark. and his boss, who's offering me something of a job meant for later on.
and fortunately (definitely fortunately) he's off on the plane right now to HK, to leave me alone. and i pray it stays that way.
and now mark calls. wants to get together, but first he's got to settle a pregnancy scare.
-shake head- why they all lie dat one???
wah lao.
pegeant? pageant.
martin lim.
remember this name.
organiser of miss singapore tourism, a short chinese man in his thirties (35, to be exact), wears his hair close to his head and has a moustache and a bit of a beard. speaks good english.
don't forget that he's got a wife and kids.
he's also the man who found my girlfriend on multiply.com and started talking to her about 'fun and games', if you get what i mean. he's quite casual about it, went on the pretense that he wanted to find out more about legal stuff from her, advice like.
...a man like that organising an event involving girls, possibly gullible and possibly having the idea that this man can take them places?
sounds like trouble.
thankfully i found out more about this person before anything funky happened.
..though - chances of me sleeping with a short bald man is almost close to nada.
but remember that name. for he's got the potential to be in that kind of position and you sure as hell don't want someone like that up in the organisers' list.
martin lim. short chinese man in his thirties (35, to be exact), wears his hair close to his head and has a moustache and a bit of a beard. speaks good english.
remember him.
remember this name.
organiser of miss singapore tourism, a short chinese man in his thirties (35, to be exact), wears his hair close to his head and has a moustache and a bit of a beard. speaks good english.
don't forget that he's got a wife and kids.
he's also the man who found my girlfriend on multiply.com and started talking to her about 'fun and games', if you get what i mean. he's quite casual about it, went on the pretense that he wanted to find out more about legal stuff from her, advice like.
...a man like that organising an event involving girls, possibly gullible and possibly having the idea that this man can take them places?
sounds like trouble.
thankfully i found out more about this person before anything funky happened.
..though - chances of me sleeping with a short bald man is almost close to nada.
but remember that name. for he's got the potential to be in that kind of position and you sure as hell don't want someone like that up in the organisers' list.
martin lim. short chinese man in his thirties (35, to be exact), wears his hair close to his head and has a moustache and a bit of a beard. speaks good english.
remember him.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
pirates and the good arrr arrrr!
SBN is a complicated place.
complicated in the sense that people can be so positively nice, so charmingly political, so genuinely warm and, on occasion, so politely nasty. i don't understand just how that can be possible, but i suppose one can be vile and nasty at the same time, since nobody said it cannot be done.
and on my side, i watch it all. people try, oh they do, to be nice, but sometimes there will come one person who will raise your hackles just by breathing in the same air you do. maybe i was one of those, to others.
i, thankfully, don't tend to have that problem, for i had long since understood that if i hated something i would have to live with it. so now i thank The Lord Almighty for my sometimes-bad memory: if i didn't forgive the day's slights i'd have forgotten them come day three.
so. now that i'm in a politically-complicated office, i suppose here's where the meagre "training" i had in my previous workplace will have to carry me through, though i suspect it will be my unwillingness to get involved with office politics and my (hopefully) winsome smile that will get me categorised as "safer than sheep".
i came in here, not quite knowing what to expect. i only knew it felt right.
...now that i'd boarded the pirateship, it dawned upon me that i hadn't thoroughly tested the waters before jumped.
a friend mentioned, during a conversation after i had joined this company, that a mutual friend of ours worked here once but couldn't take the whatever and had left soon after. considering she was quite er, political (a nice way of saying she's a scheming byatch) - if she didn't survive i don't quite see how i can.
plus the funky stumbles i had been through, i certainly had some doubts.
but then... so what if it were tough? if it were tough, even if it were tough, especially if it were tough – i have to survive. because there is no other way to be better.
what, quit the kitchen when it gets too hot? if it got too hot then i must have forgotten my mitten!
the shame, if i didn't survive! who cares whether if i'm a young whelp or not? others don't, so why should i? and if they did, i'm thankful but i don't have the time to learn how to swim when i'm drowning. i'd better learn when they're still kind, i felt.
nobody will remember 'the chick who was here, i can't remember her name'. i want to be remembered, i will be remembered. and i sure as hell want to be remembered in a good way. they don't have to like me but they'll have to admire me.
so there. two months and a little bit, dodging flak, using good sense as a guide.
it gets scary sometimes, being new and ignorant. maybe this is how it feels like for everyone, the only difference being how people handle.
and here's hoping i will have that grace when i'm under fire.
complicated in the sense that people can be so positively nice, so charmingly political, so genuinely warm and, on occasion, so politely nasty. i don't understand just how that can be possible, but i suppose one can be vile and nasty at the same time, since nobody said it cannot be done.
and on my side, i watch it all. people try, oh they do, to be nice, but sometimes there will come one person who will raise your hackles just by breathing in the same air you do. maybe i was one of those, to others.
i, thankfully, don't tend to have that problem, for i had long since understood that if i hated something i would have to live with it. so now i thank The Lord Almighty for my sometimes-bad memory: if i didn't forgive the day's slights i'd have forgotten them come day three.
so. now that i'm in a politically-complicated office, i suppose here's where the meagre "training" i had in my previous workplace will have to carry me through, though i suspect it will be my unwillingness to get involved with office politics and my (hopefully) winsome smile that will get me categorised as "safer than sheep".
i came in here, not quite knowing what to expect. i only knew it felt right.
...now that i'd boarded the pirateship, it dawned upon me that i hadn't thoroughly tested the waters before jumped.
a friend mentioned, during a conversation after i had joined this company, that a mutual friend of ours worked here once but couldn't take the whatever and had left soon after. considering she was quite er, political (a nice way of saying she's a scheming byatch) - if she didn't survive i don't quite see how i can.
plus the funky stumbles i had been through, i certainly had some doubts.
but then... so what if it were tough? if it were tough, even if it were tough, especially if it were tough – i have to survive. because there is no other way to be better.
what, quit the kitchen when it gets too hot? if it got too hot then i must have forgotten my mitten!
the shame, if i didn't survive! who cares whether if i'm a young whelp or not? others don't, so why should i? and if they did, i'm thankful but i don't have the time to learn how to swim when i'm drowning. i'd better learn when they're still kind, i felt.
nobody will remember 'the chick who was here, i can't remember her name'. i want to be remembered, i will be remembered. and i sure as hell want to be remembered in a good way. they don't have to like me but they'll have to admire me.
so there. two months and a little bit, dodging flak, using good sense as a guide.
it gets scary sometimes, being new and ignorant. maybe this is how it feels like for everyone, the only difference being how people handle.
and here's hoping i will have that grace when i'm under fire.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
"it's for your own good."
have you ever gotten the tentative feeling of the tendril of emotion creeping up on you, only to startle you and to have you smack it with a cheese grater (or something sharp)?
have you ever suddenly felt tearful, to ask that someone not say the things he says, or do the things he does, because it makes you want to take that tendril and hold it?
were you ever regretful, that you're 'not looking'?
well, i am.
have you ever suddenly felt tearful, to ask that someone not say the things he says, or do the things he does, because it makes you want to take that tendril and hold it?
were you ever regretful, that you're 'not looking'?
well, i am.
Friday, March 10, 2006
about a certain ronnie
Have you ever met with those limp – no, make that broken-wristed – faggots who assume that they are oh-so-tasteful?
Nothing against men who like men: I think they’re very witty and tasteful and they’re a hoot and a holler to be around. Sincerely.
But there’s this particular one at work who is so driving me up the wall. He’s the editor, my editor, as (mis)fortune would have it, and has taken it upon himself to critique my work, given that I’m a newbie and all.
I appreciate a good critique; tell me where I had gone wrong, what can be improved upon – wonderful. I like to know what’s to be made better, so I can become better as well. But no, this chap tells me “well, it does not look like it’s been a quantum improvement but it is better than the last.”
Ye gods. How do you answer that??
Thankfully my art director (bless him) had come into the picture and explained to the fair-skinned editor that the pictures provided by the client aren’t exactly useable, considering quite a few of the shots are close-ups and while there are a few there aren’t enough to make a page work as well as we’d like it to.
And the editor was quiet upon hearing that. The way he had gone about it is almost like it was personal. Heck I don’t get what that was all about but I sure would like to know why.
I don’t think it’s jealousy – they don’t get jealous over girls who behave like they have more balls than they do. I am, therefore, not a threat to his manhood. Maybe it’s just the kind of thing that happens when you’re new. Something about editors and newbies. Editors bitch a lot and I simply stay away.
I sincerely hope, though, that this time I can stick around long enough to learn something. Like how to deal with people who give ‘gay’ a bad name.
..fortunately, the other one seated right beside of him is sweet in manner. I’m glad, in that aspect. If they are together, good. Because one is nasty enough for the two of them and the other is sweet enough to offset that bad karma.
Nothing against men who like men: I think they’re very witty and tasteful and they’re a hoot and a holler to be around. Sincerely.
But there’s this particular one at work who is so driving me up the wall. He’s the editor, my editor, as (mis)fortune would have it, and has taken it upon himself to critique my work, given that I’m a newbie and all.
I appreciate a good critique; tell me where I had gone wrong, what can be improved upon – wonderful. I like to know what’s to be made better, so I can become better as well. But no, this chap tells me “well, it does not look like it’s been a quantum improvement but it is better than the last.”
Ye gods. How do you answer that??
Thankfully my art director (bless him) had come into the picture and explained to the fair-skinned editor that the pictures provided by the client aren’t exactly useable, considering quite a few of the shots are close-ups and while there are a few there aren’t enough to make a page work as well as we’d like it to.
And the editor was quiet upon hearing that. The way he had gone about it is almost like it was personal. Heck I don’t get what that was all about but I sure would like to know why.
I don’t think it’s jealousy – they don’t get jealous over girls who behave like they have more balls than they do. I am, therefore, not a threat to his manhood. Maybe it’s just the kind of thing that happens when you’re new. Something about editors and newbies. Editors bitch a lot and I simply stay away.
I sincerely hope, though, that this time I can stick around long enough to learn something. Like how to deal with people who give ‘gay’ a bad name.
..fortunately, the other one seated right beside of him is sweet in manner. I’m glad, in that aspect. If they are together, good. Because one is nasty enough for the two of them and the other is sweet enough to offset that bad karma.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
about jennifer
i was sitting on a couch flipping through the cartoon channel when i noticed oprah's talkshow.
she had jennifer aniston on that funky couch in that new studio of hers - and they were talking, with oprah asking jenn how is she getting on, is she ready to date again, with jennifer saying a brave 'yes!' and smiling, almost like she were daring the world to say otherwise.
and while that went on, i was thinking - goodness. i watched jenn, and it was odd. the way she answered the questions, amidst her supporters, was classically strong and 'oh yeah i'm done' but somehow it wasn't quite right.
heck nobody goes through a marriage, not even jennifer aniston, for all ther yoga training and inner strength AND all that glitz about 'the sexiest man alive' and 'the sexiest other woman' and being the 'golden couple' plus the meddling media -
ye gods. she has hurt. a heckuvalot if you ask me. she's busy and such but nobody misses the tabloids about who's having whose baby and what last name the foster kids will have now that they're together...
i mean, i had gone through a scant three months' worth of er, 'emotion' and i had bawled my heart out on two occasions, but only only because i was drunk.
now i'm not advocating hitting the bottle under the pretext of 'lowering once's defences' - that's bullshit. because when i hadn't intended to get drunk. i was out partying, thinking that i was - hah - over it.
..'hah' indeed.
but twice i had felt better. call it healing, getting over someone, whatnot. whatever it was, it gave me the insight to tell that jenn wasn't truly over it. over 'them'.
but then, so what? they broke up. we broke up. and life goes on? thankfully i didn't lose brad pitt. and not to whatzername jolie. i'd be stretching it if i were to say i didn't hurt.
but to say that it's a mofo-wound* will be entirely untrue. it's enough to make me cringe but not enough to make me lose my appetite.
thus. i'm not envious of jennifer aniston. not for perfect hair, not for having dated brad pitt, not for losing to 'a better woman' jolie. because no matter how beautiful you are, you are still subject to human caprice.
*mofo means muthafuckin'. or if used on its own, means muthafucka.
she had jennifer aniston on that funky couch in that new studio of hers - and they were talking, with oprah asking jenn how is she getting on, is she ready to date again, with jennifer saying a brave 'yes!' and smiling, almost like she were daring the world to say otherwise.
and while that went on, i was thinking - goodness. i watched jenn, and it was odd. the way she answered the questions, amidst her supporters, was classically strong and 'oh yeah i'm done' but somehow it wasn't quite right.
heck nobody goes through a marriage, not even jennifer aniston, for all ther yoga training and inner strength AND all that glitz about 'the sexiest man alive' and 'the sexiest other woman' and being the 'golden couple' plus the meddling media -
ye gods. she has hurt. a heckuvalot if you ask me. she's busy and such but nobody misses the tabloids about who's having whose baby and what last name the foster kids will have now that they're together...
i mean, i had gone through a scant three months' worth of er, 'emotion' and i had bawled my heart out on two occasions, but only only because i was drunk.
now i'm not advocating hitting the bottle under the pretext of 'lowering once's defences' - that's bullshit. because when i hadn't intended to get drunk. i was out partying, thinking that i was - hah - over it.
..'hah' indeed.
but twice i had felt better. call it healing, getting over someone, whatnot. whatever it was, it gave me the insight to tell that jenn wasn't truly over it. over 'them'.
but then, so what? they broke up. we broke up. and life goes on? thankfully i didn't lose brad pitt. and not to whatzername jolie. i'd be stretching it if i were to say i didn't hurt.
but to say that it's a mofo-wound* will be entirely untrue. it's enough to make me cringe but not enough to make me lose my appetite.
thus. i'm not envious of jennifer aniston. not for perfect hair, not for having dated brad pitt, not for losing to 'a better woman' jolie. because no matter how beautiful you are, you are still subject to human caprice.
*mofo means muthafuckin'. or if used on its own, means muthafucka.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
and thus
hurray, hurray to singlehood!
a toast! :D
for the new year and for the lovely fresh feel of wingless flight! exaltations!
a toast! :D
for the new year and for the lovely fresh feel of wingless flight! exaltations!
new year
new year's celebrated at my aunt's as usual.
only this new year's eve comes with a twist. i had had the satisfaction of telling whatzisname to fo.
woo that felt good. it seemed that he thought i was someone to 'be a companion' with. heh. if it's a girlfriend, alright, sure.
but 'companion' - brother, you got your cards all wrong. I choose. not you.
sorry to break the news to you on new year's eve - you're not 'companion' material. nowhere close, yo.
sometimes the concept of sparing the flaying tongue should be kept in the closet. if he deserves it he deserves it. hahaha
to you men out there: don't screw with me. because you don't know bitch till you've met Bitch.
only this new year's eve comes with a twist. i had had the satisfaction of telling whatzisname to fo.
woo that felt good. it seemed that he thought i was someone to 'be a companion' with. heh. if it's a girlfriend, alright, sure.
but 'companion' - brother, you got your cards all wrong. I choose. not you.
sorry to break the news to you on new year's eve - you're not 'companion' material. nowhere close, yo.
sometimes the concept of sparing the flaying tongue should be kept in the closet. if he deserves it he deserves it. hahaha
to you men out there: don't screw with me. because you don't know bitch till you've met Bitch.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
overt?
...i must apologise, for my previous rather uncivilised outburst.
pardon, to those who find what i said offensive.
it doesn't change the way i feel about a certain warren. though i am sorry if i had somehow implicated dill, whomever that is, and otherwise-mentioned,-possibly-nonexistent girl.
it still doesn't change who the bastards are, what the bitches have done.
at least, when THIS bitch does it she owns up.
pardon, to those who find what i said offensive.
it doesn't change the way i feel about a certain warren. though i am sorry if i had somehow implicated dill, whomever that is, and otherwise-mentioned,-possibly-nonexistent girl.
it still doesn't change who the bastards are, what the bitches have done.
at least, when THIS bitch does it she owns up.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
intense revelation
oooh ye gods betrayal again!
my hairs stood on end just seeing that word turn over in my mind.
-shudder-
and it's happened to my dear friend. the next time i see warren, i'm going to slap him. and if it's dill, whomever dill is (i'm assuming the full name to be dillon) - i'll slap him too. ask questions later.
ning(4) ke(3) sha(1) cuo(4) bu(4) ke(4) fang(4) guo(4)
nabeh i'll dislocate his jaw then slap him senseless. goody if he's stunned, i'll probably trip him them grind my heels deliciously into his joooooooooooooooooooocy groin.
UUUUURGH SQUARE-JAWED DICK FOR A BRAIN!
if i had a wooden bed of razors embedded into the grain of the wood i will have warren slide on it and have that slut with the itchy shame for a cunt lie at one end, bound and de-voiceboxed so warren can slide into her lap, just as she had liked.
yeah, i'm going to personally cut her vocal cords.
and when i'm done with warren, i'll make her sit on that razored plank.
and push into warren's face.
someone please tell me my imagination's running wild here but i have the funny feeling that he likes something hairy in his face.
i just hope he likes it sliced.
my hairs stood on end just seeing that word turn over in my mind.
-shudder-
and it's happened to my dear friend. the next time i see warren, i'm going to slap him. and if it's dill, whomever dill is (i'm assuming the full name to be dillon) - i'll slap him too. ask questions later.
ning(4) ke(3) sha(1) cuo(4) bu(4) ke(4) fang(4) guo(4)
nabeh i'll dislocate his jaw then slap him senseless. goody if he's stunned, i'll probably trip him them grind my heels deliciously into his joooooooooooooooooooocy groin.
UUUUURGH SQUARE-JAWED DICK FOR A BRAIN!
if i had a wooden bed of razors embedded into the grain of the wood i will have warren slide on it and have that slut with the itchy shame for a cunt lie at one end, bound and de-voiceboxed so warren can slide into her lap, just as she had liked.
yeah, i'm going to personally cut her vocal cords.
and when i'm done with warren, i'll make her sit on that razored plank.
and push into warren's face.
someone please tell me my imagination's running wild here but i have the funny feeling that he likes something hairy in his face.
i just hope he likes it sliced.
i met someone today 2
and so.
ahem.
pardon, i got sidetracked by the world's vermin.
now as i was saying. i met two of my favourite people today, yesterday. and i wish i had met the last one, too.
jas had been at work and couldn't possibly come meet us but it sucked to hear her sounding a tad down. how are you jas? are you alright?
is everything okay?
call, if anything. i'll be up anyway. even if i weren't i will be when you call. :D
but seriously, anytime, sweet jas, i'll be willing to hear your voice and listen to your words. please be fine. i worry about you sometimes, for you are too strong. it's alright to be weak sometimes, for it gives the people who care about you a chance to care about you.
we may walk different paths now, sometimes what we say may not even make sense to the other, the fashion the drinks the music the lifestyle may sound all greek to each other but that doesn't change the fact that i'm bothered when you're bothered. and i bet it's the same with the other two.
so... er, well.
if you wish to preserve privacy that's alright too, just let me know that you're 'alright'. and if things are just dandy and truly so, please tell me things're 'okay'.
but knowing you, you'd probably say something else meaning something in between. or that you're 'just tired'.
whichever you choose to say, it's alright. i don't have to know what's bothering you, just know that i'm around if you need someone to talk to.
...though granted, jenn'd be the more grounded one and i'd be irreverently irrelevant (if that's your cup of tea, of course). and su'd probably threaten to kill whomever with her killer heels or anything equivalent.
so while i had met the two brwonderful (br-illiant + wonderful, pronounced as 'brr-wonderful, or simply broo-wonderful) ladies i had met andrew, too.
it's a joy to see him. subtly different from from the kind of joy derived from seeing the three powerpuffs.
hum. and i'm happy. :)
so... while cynics and critics say otherwise, people can survive on love and fresh air when they're in love sometimes. just sometimes.
and right now, i'm in love with you. all three of you.
..plus one more, of course. :P
ahem.
pardon, i got sidetracked by the world's vermin.
now as i was saying. i met two of my favourite people today, yesterday. and i wish i had met the last one, too.
jas had been at work and couldn't possibly come meet us but it sucked to hear her sounding a tad down. how are you jas? are you alright?
is everything okay?
call, if anything. i'll be up anyway. even if i weren't i will be when you call. :D
but seriously, anytime, sweet jas, i'll be willing to hear your voice and listen to your words. please be fine. i worry about you sometimes, for you are too strong. it's alright to be weak sometimes, for it gives the people who care about you a chance to care about you.
we may walk different paths now, sometimes what we say may not even make sense to the other, the fashion the drinks the music the lifestyle may sound all greek to each other but that doesn't change the fact that i'm bothered when you're bothered. and i bet it's the same with the other two.
so... er, well.
if you wish to preserve privacy that's alright too, just let me know that you're 'alright'. and if things are just dandy and truly so, please tell me things're 'okay'.
but knowing you, you'd probably say something else meaning something in between. or that you're 'just tired'.
whichever you choose to say, it's alright. i don't have to know what's bothering you, just know that i'm around if you need someone to talk to.
...though granted, jenn'd be the more grounded one and i'd be irreverently irrelevant (if that's your cup of tea, of course). and su'd probably threaten to kill whomever with her killer heels or anything equivalent.
so while i had met the two brwonderful (br-illiant + wonderful, pronounced as 'brr-wonderful, or simply broo-wonderful) ladies i had met andrew, too.
it's a joy to see him. subtly different from from the kind of joy derived from seeing the three powerpuffs.
hum. and i'm happy. :)
so... while cynics and critics say otherwise, people can survive on love and fresh air when they're in love sometimes. just sometimes.
and right now, i'm in love with you. all three of you.
..plus one more, of course. :P
i met someone today
i met someone today - yesterday.
i met a friend, then another. first i met jenn; it felt like i had been parched for years and hadn't known it, until i saw her again.
it's weird, to just want to stare at her and listen to her. i may be in love. (hum)
and then i met su. i wondered how she was when i saw her. she displayed some chocolates (some of which i had a high just by sniffing at - this's what jas'd say 'packs a punch' at) and seemed very well. i had the same feeling when i gazed at her talk.
i'm just somehow very proud to have these two people about, to know these people and i know i can call them 'mine'. obscurely.
if you're reading this, jenn, su, and are freaked, i'm sorry.
but how sorry can i be, when it is the way i feel about you? i'd wanted to hold you both tight and become a cave for you so you needn't face the damn storm.
i know you need to grow, facing challenges and taking tumbles - but i hate every minute of knowing any one of you is feeling less than 'fine'. if i knew voodoo whomever's hurt jenn before'd be dead. and i know for sure warren'd be.
(or at least i presume it's warren, for that's the last chap su's been seeing.)
and the mangy whore of a daughter of a jellyfish. may she be washed ashore and slowly bake to salted crab feed, (assuming there's a girl, of course). and may the crabs be wise enough to know not to touch things that may cause stomach upset, scavengers though they may be.
pollution does nobody good. especially not crabs, the poor things. they have to walk on the same level as salt-encrusted invertebrates. oh, my heart aches for those crustaceans.
bah. maybe i won't step on the beach for a few decades, it offends me to know my dog-chewed shoestrings may touch salty-jellyfishied waters.
and if warren, if it was warren, who had caused the hurt that spurred those words on su's blog, may you rot on the white line of some tarred road where toads ride their invisible bikes going 'bing bing'.
and may there be many, many such toads.
and may that happen long before you die, but after you got unfortunately stuck on the white line on the road and after charlotte church has moved into the vicinity.
i met a friend, then another. first i met jenn; it felt like i had been parched for years and hadn't known it, until i saw her again.
it's weird, to just want to stare at her and listen to her. i may be in love. (hum)
and then i met su. i wondered how she was when i saw her. she displayed some chocolates (some of which i had a high just by sniffing at - this's what jas'd say 'packs a punch' at) and seemed very well. i had the same feeling when i gazed at her talk.
i'm just somehow very proud to have these two people about, to know these people and i know i can call them 'mine'. obscurely.
if you're reading this, jenn, su, and are freaked, i'm sorry.
but how sorry can i be, when it is the way i feel about you? i'd wanted to hold you both tight and become a cave for you so you needn't face the damn storm.
i know you need to grow, facing challenges and taking tumbles - but i hate every minute of knowing any one of you is feeling less than 'fine'. if i knew voodoo whomever's hurt jenn before'd be dead. and i know for sure warren'd be.
(or at least i presume it's warren, for that's the last chap su's been seeing.)
and the mangy whore of a daughter of a jellyfish. may she be washed ashore and slowly bake to salted crab feed, (assuming there's a girl, of course). and may the crabs be wise enough to know not to touch things that may cause stomach upset, scavengers though they may be.
pollution does nobody good. especially not crabs, the poor things. they have to walk on the same level as salt-encrusted invertebrates. oh, my heart aches for those crustaceans.
bah. maybe i won't step on the beach for a few decades, it offends me to know my dog-chewed shoestrings may touch salty-jellyfishied waters.
and if warren, if it was warren, who had caused the hurt that spurred those words on su's blog, may you rot on the white line of some tarred road where toads ride their invisible bikes going 'bing bing'.
and may there be many, many such toads.
and may that happen long before you die, but after you got unfortunately stuck on the white line on the road and after charlotte church has moved into the vicinity.
deliberations
i've wondered, sometimes, how some people can write about anything and it turns out beautifully worded.
it enthralls, makes you read on, page by page. easy reading.
and sometimes, when i read those, i get jealous. how can they write something provocative about crossing one's fingers and turning on one's temperamental computer, hoping to the heavens above that it will be in a good mood?
what did they do, read, see to think and talk like that?
HOW did they even WANT to talk like that? it seems pretty pre-programmed into our brains that we speak how we speak wtihout even thinking about it, without the plan to deliciously mislead, confuse and waylay presumptious thoughts.
so how do i elicit 'how clever!'s from people reading my works?
reinventing oneself, reinventing how i speak how i communicate how i look at the world which MUST be if not refreshingly then vastly different from anyone else's thoughts.
maybe that's how writers come to be 'eccentric'. maybe it's just harder to understand because you didn't manage to catch the nuances that the other person caught.
sometimes people have 'moodswings' because something you hadn't noticed affected them. might be something you had said, might have been something he/she saw.
he/she might have hated purple-coloured cars because he's had a nasty uncle who owned a purplish pick-up. and now that he's rich and famous (or not) he's developed an intense dislike for all things purple. and maybe when he's happily chatting with you the waiter served you two ice-cream in purple glass cups.
and suddenly he doesn't like ice-cream anymore.
..it's not he doesn't like ice-cream, it is not evne the cup that he doesn't like.
it's the (ctrl-i)colour(ctrl-i) that he doesn't like. capisce?
and poor you, you probably didn't even know because he never said.
moodswings. bah. whomever coined that term probably hasn't heard of minute-detail-affected-ism.
..alright so there's no such thing. but you know what i'm talking about.
the best thing to ask when someone's having 'moodswings' (-schmoodschwings) is probably 'what's wrong'?
it enthralls, makes you read on, page by page. easy reading.
and sometimes, when i read those, i get jealous. how can they write something provocative about crossing one's fingers and turning on one's temperamental computer, hoping to the heavens above that it will be in a good mood?
what did they do, read, see to think and talk like that?
HOW did they even WANT to talk like that? it seems pretty pre-programmed into our brains that we speak how we speak wtihout even thinking about it, without the plan to deliciously mislead, confuse and waylay presumptious thoughts.
so how do i elicit 'how clever!'s from people reading my works?
reinventing oneself, reinventing how i speak how i communicate how i look at the world which MUST be if not refreshingly then vastly different from anyone else's thoughts.
maybe that's how writers come to be 'eccentric'. maybe it's just harder to understand because you didn't manage to catch the nuances that the other person caught.
sometimes people have 'moodswings' because something you hadn't noticed affected them. might be something you had said, might have been something he/she saw.
he/she might have hated purple-coloured cars because he's had a nasty uncle who owned a purplish pick-up. and now that he's rich and famous (or not) he's developed an intense dislike for all things purple. and maybe when he's happily chatting with you the waiter served you two ice-cream in purple glass cups.
and suddenly he doesn't like ice-cream anymore.
..it's not he doesn't like ice-cream, it is not evne the cup that he doesn't like.
it's the (ctrl-i)colour(ctrl-i) that he doesn't like. capisce?
and poor you, you probably didn't even know because he never said.
moodswings. bah. whomever coined that term probably hasn't heard of minute-detail-affected-ism.
..alright so there's no such thing. but you know what i'm talking about.
the best thing to ask when someone's having 'moodswings' (-schmoodschwings) is probably 'what's wrong'?
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
on alcohol
alcohol makes a person less inhibited, you all know that.
everything is clear, methinks, when you drink.
am i an alcoholic? no, i must say i am not. merely a person who appreciates the virtues of the lack of temperance.
everything is clear, methinks, when you drink.
am i an alcoholic? no, i must say i am not. merely a person who appreciates the virtues of the lack of temperance.
Monday, December 26, 2005
christmas an' all
it is thus christmas.
25th of december and present-giving an' all. yeah yeah new year's in five days' time.
this christmas is rather different, i think. other christmases i'd have partied my eyeballs out in some club. but this time... it's oddly domestic. like i'm finally understanding the importance of family (those who had known me long enough will know that i hate spending time with anything remotely related by blood to me. other than my cousins and a particular set of niece and nephew, of course).
and thus i had spent christmas eve hanging out with someone special, doing idyll nothing. visited my mother, a coupla days before, in malapropos mention, under the pretense that we have to get together to celebrate this festival called the dumpling-eating day. or something like that.
(it's a ploy to introduce someone new to some auntie i call 'ma'. i'm sure you saw right through it!)
so... we attended church service on x'mas eve and then we headed home to sleep (vastly different from my previous encounters). we were supposed to go blading at east coast park, but well...
and we also did nothing on christmas day. attended church then did nothing then hung out with fellow church chap at east coast park. heh
had a great time though, he went there with family (three little girls! all sweet-faced angels!) and dawg. gosh, had such a great time! really pleasant christmas, this.
lovely.
..i must be getting old.
25th of december and present-giving an' all. yeah yeah new year's in five days' time.
this christmas is rather different, i think. other christmases i'd have partied my eyeballs out in some club. but this time... it's oddly domestic. like i'm finally understanding the importance of family (those who had known me long enough will know that i hate spending time with anything remotely related by blood to me. other than my cousins and a particular set of niece and nephew, of course).
and thus i had spent christmas eve hanging out with someone special, doing idyll nothing. visited my mother, a coupla days before, in malapropos mention, under the pretense that we have to get together to celebrate this festival called the dumpling-eating day. or something like that.
(it's a ploy to introduce someone new to some auntie i call 'ma'. i'm sure you saw right through it!)
so... we attended church service on x'mas eve and then we headed home to sleep (vastly different from my previous encounters). we were supposed to go blading at east coast park, but well...
and we also did nothing on christmas day. attended church then did nothing then hung out with fellow church chap at east coast park. heh
had a great time though, he went there with family (three little girls! all sweet-faced angels!) and dawg. gosh, had such a great time! really pleasant christmas, this.
lovely.
..i must be getting old.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
christmas barbecue indoors
spent a pre-x'mas barbecue at my cousin's. pretty nice.
ah boy was there too, he thought i looked domestic coughing by the barbecue pit. hum. men are odd.
spotted one sexy girl and another cutie boy. but well. all are students, what do they know about life. heh.
met yoyo again today. quite pleasant.
merry christmas, people!
ah boy was there too, he thought i looked domestic coughing by the barbecue pit. hum. men are odd.
spotted one sexy girl and another cutie boy. but well. all are students, what do they know about life. heh.
met yoyo again today. quite pleasant.
merry christmas, people!
Friday, December 23, 2005
on concern
a friend of mine i used to fight with is stricken with the mysterious ailment of the heart.
and by the looks of it she's strong enough to survive the fester.
don't know what caused it, don't quite know how to cure it, but i've a good pack of indonesian tea and cookies. maybe we can have tea some time, watch the rain with me. :)
i'll get high grade cream.
and by the looks of it she's strong enough to survive the fester.
don't know what caused it, don't quite know how to cure it, but i've a good pack of indonesian tea and cookies. maybe we can have tea some time, watch the rain with me. :)
i'll get high grade cream.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
self-preservation
heh.
one thing i hadn't done this time round was to introduce my squeeze to my blogsite.
and i reckon that's a smart thing to do. i don't how you mine you don't show me yours.
i will need a private halcyon where only friends have access to. sorry pal, sometimes being a 'friend' is the highest priviledge. not husband not boyfriend possibly not even parent.
so who said 'just a friend' is a vague insult, meant to brush someone off as a persona non grata?
thus beware should someone say this to you, especially if it's someone you're romantically involved with.
that 'just a friend' might be more than just that.
one thing i hadn't done this time round was to introduce my squeeze to my blogsite.
and i reckon that's a smart thing to do. i don't how you mine you don't show me yours.
i will need a private halcyon where only friends have access to. sorry pal, sometimes being a 'friend' is the highest priviledge. not husband not boyfriend possibly not even parent.
so who said 'just a friend' is a vague insult, meant to brush someone off as a persona non grata?
thus beware should someone say this to you, especially if it's someone you're romantically involved with.
that 'just a friend' might be more than just that.
leaf in the water
oft times i wonder: where does life want to take me? do i float like a leaf in a meandering river, offering no resistance or do i ever-so-slightly angle myself towards wherever that does not make a difference to me?
i may be heading to the US in a coupla months' time, hadn't told anyone about it yet. not after the plans-for-shanghai-that-never-came lesson. heh. especially not the boy, no.
career is important. i need to build it. if he is willing he will come; if not he will stay. and maybe cause some heartache and many many tears then. hum.
i don't quite dare think, this. tickets to the US aren't all that cheap. if it were shanghai then maybe. otherwise...
too soon to worry, too soon to think. christmas is here, let's all not be bothered.
i may be heading to the US in a coupla months' time, hadn't told anyone about it yet. not after the plans-for-shanghai-that-never-came lesson. heh. especially not the boy, no.
career is important. i need to build it. if he is willing he will come; if not he will stay. and maybe cause some heartache and many many tears then. hum.
i don't quite dare think, this. tickets to the US aren't all that cheap. if it were shanghai then maybe. otherwise...
too soon to worry, too soon to think. christmas is here, let's all not be bothered.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
mmhm!
i had lost the ability to write, it seems, upon finding happiness. much like how a poet needs his pain i suppose i need my daily dose of agony. this chap, it seems, takes away the need to do so and somehow has turned me into this ridiculously happy goofball.
i mean, i can still function but it is harder to focus on things sometimes. like work. the all-important money-bringing thing that some men wear ties to do every day. facing grouchy customers (i'm doing customer service now as well, apparently) is one thing but it doesn't get me down. you know what i mean? i fume about it for a while then get over it and resume being happy. i mean, where's the fire and discontent that i need to rave with? the anger, the EEEENGST?
gosh.
but as they say, when a charbor wants to kaopeh she will kaopeh.
so i'm happy. sure, there were times when i vehemently say 'men suck!' and there's this one occasion that he had made me cry - but that one time compared to the countless times The Other Bloke That Was had done so - doesn't count for anything. this man almost has nothing for me to complain about.
almost.
...there are things i truly do not know about him, and it's not the 'oh i don't know your shoe size' and 'i haven't been to your place' kind of thing. it might be something crucial, too. for one reason best untold (it's jasmine), i decided to trust him.
not easy sometimes, and pretty damn hard when he's difficult. worse, when he says things like 'it's a secret.'
and i won't ask. i had grown quite apprehensive of questions since the last time i tried. things i should know but i shouldn't know, you get what i mean?
like my man's undying love for an ex who keeps hanging about.
gosh that cut me deep.
i'm sure this current one is something else altogether and i'm determined not to walk that road again. maybe i'll fall another time, get a couple more bruises. but that's life, isn't it?
a little like learning how to blade. you know where you're headed but you feel so damn wobbly and you're so frickin' scared of falling because life hasn't thought of giving you all tough plastic knee guards - it's a little like life being personified into an idiot and experimenting with you, the puppet who goes onto the rough tarmac road and scrapes himself.
...okay negativity's over.
i'm in love. with a man that's not perfect. what's more beautiful than that?
i mean, i can still function but it is harder to focus on things sometimes. like work. the all-important money-bringing thing that some men wear ties to do every day. facing grouchy customers (i'm doing customer service now as well, apparently) is one thing but it doesn't get me down. you know what i mean? i fume about it for a while then get over it and resume being happy. i mean, where's the fire and discontent that i need to rave with? the anger, the EEEENGST?
gosh.
but as they say, when a charbor wants to kaopeh she will kaopeh.
so i'm happy. sure, there were times when i vehemently say 'men suck!' and there's this one occasion that he had made me cry - but that one time compared to the countless times The Other Bloke That Was had done so - doesn't count for anything. this man almost has nothing for me to complain about.
almost.
...there are things i truly do not know about him, and it's not the 'oh i don't know your shoe size' and 'i haven't been to your place' kind of thing. it might be something crucial, too. for one reason best untold (it's jasmine), i decided to trust him.
not easy sometimes, and pretty damn hard when he's difficult. worse, when he says things like 'it's a secret.'
and i won't ask. i had grown quite apprehensive of questions since the last time i tried. things i should know but i shouldn't know, you get what i mean?
like my man's undying love for an ex who keeps hanging about.
gosh that cut me deep.
i'm sure this current one is something else altogether and i'm determined not to walk that road again. maybe i'll fall another time, get a couple more bruises. but that's life, isn't it?
a little like learning how to blade. you know where you're headed but you feel so damn wobbly and you're so frickin' scared of falling because life hasn't thought of giving you all tough plastic knee guards - it's a little like life being personified into an idiot and experimenting with you, the puppet who goes onto the rough tarmac road and scrapes himself.
...okay negativity's over.
i'm in love. with a man that's not perfect. what's more beautiful than that?
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
jitters
for the first time in a long time, i fear.
that this may be another dead end, that this lover at my door is going to be another heartache on my list. maybe this is a stream that i have to ford, another rock i have to climb.
having fallen once before and skinned more than just my knees - i don't quite know what to say.
should i say anything? should i grin and bear it, let things slide? after all, those are small matters.
what's a small thing and what isn't?
i wonder.
that this may be another dead end, that this lover at my door is going to be another heartache on my list. maybe this is a stream that i have to ford, another rock i have to climb.
having fallen once before and skinned more than just my knees - i don't quite know what to say.
should i say anything? should i grin and bear it, let things slide? after all, those are small matters.
what's a small thing and what isn't?
i wonder.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
shanghai-ed.
oim going to go to shanghai.
for a coupla months. boy might be flying in to see me once every month, which is very nice. six months maximum, may not be coming back; i don't know.
see what happens.
for a coupla months. boy might be flying in to see me once every month, which is very nice. six months maximum, may not be coming back; i don't know.
see what happens.
Monday, November 21, 2005
music
i suppose the thing about music is that it sometimes say what you want to say for you. maybe that's why it is soothing?
...i read somewhere from a friend's blog - 'i'm never going to come back here again. ever. can't even say it's fun.'
where'd that come from? what's happened that had him say all these?
...i read somewhere from a friend's blog - 'i'm never going to come back here again. ever. can't even say it's fun.'
where'd that come from? what's happened that had him say all these?
hum.
has it ever bothered you to know that things are going straight downhill and you are strapped in?
yes?
me, too.
yes?
me, too.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Sunday, November 13, 2005
conversation
Jacys says:
its time to take what i want
Jacys says:
why must i give all the time?
Jacys says:
tired of giving
bound, not gagged. says:
..no one asked that you give all the time
bound, not gagged. says:
ifyou wanted to give, go ahead and give
bound, not gagged. says:
but understand that it is you who wanted to give
bound, not gagged. says:
and receiving on your end is completely at the mercy of the other party
bound, not gagged. says:
expecting to be loved and to receive is just asking for it
...i was once like that.
"no more!" i said.
and "no more!" i still say. i heard those words told me me against my unwilling ears again, from a certain ex of an ex.
"it's wrong," she said.
wrong? wrong!
what's right and what's wrong? who died and made you judge of my life? heck you don't even have a halo. you can't walk on water but i bet you'll float. and that's just because of the fats around your thighs. you'll either float leg-up or chest up, not that i envy you.
i don't fancy sagginess, neither do i like having my boobs being seen first when i round a corner. gosh - those, my dear friends, are called "titties". no longer "boobies".
anyways.
it's not 'wrong'. foolish, maybe, but not wrong. to say that it is wrong smacks too strongly of judgement - especially when you are not meant to be doing so. no, not even 'your personal opinion'.
..and so i learnt the hard way. give, give all i want but to protect myself i have to not expect anything in return.
i believe that's what she's trying to say. i'm still angry at you, i still blam eyou for this, you know that. i'm sure you can tell.
you are the cause you probably will never cease to be the cause. but it doesn't matter to you and shouldn't. and so what?
its time to take what i want
Jacys says:
why must i give all the time?
Jacys says:
tired of giving
bound, not gagged. says:
..no one asked that you give all the time
bound, not gagged. says:
ifyou wanted to give, go ahead and give
bound, not gagged. says:
but understand that it is you who wanted to give
bound, not gagged. says:
and receiving on your end is completely at the mercy of the other party
bound, not gagged. says:
expecting to be loved and to receive is just asking for it
...i was once like that.
"no more!" i said.
and "no more!" i still say. i heard those words told me me against my unwilling ears again, from a certain ex of an ex.
"it's wrong," she said.
wrong? wrong!
what's right and what's wrong? who died and made you judge of my life? heck you don't even have a halo. you can't walk on water but i bet you'll float. and that's just because of the fats around your thighs. you'll either float leg-up or chest up, not that i envy you.
i don't fancy sagginess, neither do i like having my boobs being seen first when i round a corner. gosh - those, my dear friends, are called "titties". no longer "boobies".
anyways.
it's not 'wrong'. foolish, maybe, but not wrong. to say that it is wrong smacks too strongly of judgement - especially when you are not meant to be doing so. no, not even 'your personal opinion'.
..and so i learnt the hard way. give, give all i want but to protect myself i have to not expect anything in return.
i believe that's what she's trying to say. i'm still angry at you, i still blam eyou for this, you know that. i'm sure you can tell.
you are the cause you probably will never cease to be the cause. but it doesn't matter to you and shouldn't. and so what?
Monday, November 07, 2005
he said...
he asked me to move in with him.
three weeks, plus a few more days. fifteenth of october.
it's three weeks, and two days. and i wasn't even the one to remember the date. i'm quite grounded, it seems.
three weeks, plus a few more days. fifteenth of october.
it's three weeks, and two days. and i wasn't even the one to remember the date. i'm quite grounded, it seems.
off the net
Every day I write the list
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(a thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
(a thousand beautiful things)
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes
I thank you for the air to breathe
The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
(a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
(this is mine to remember)
So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find
The world was meant for you and me
To figure out our destiny
(a thousand beautiful things)
To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete
So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(a thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
(a thousand beautiful things)
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes
I thank you for the air to breathe
The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
(a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
(this is mine to remember)
So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find
The world was meant for you and me
To figure out our destiny
(a thousand beautiful things)
To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete
So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say
off the net
Wandering through the back roads
And the rain comes rushing down
To resolve your love
For this man in his twenties
Am I right?
Am I wrong?
Or am I just dreaming?
Climbing up the backstairs
There's a chill wind in the air
I wrap up from the cold
Pull the blinds in the window
Who was there?
Was it you?
Or am I just dreaming?
Look at all the lonely people
Walking miles around the town
I can see the old cathedral
But I have to play it down
Boats along the river
Setting up their sails
And life carries on as normal
Although you're not around
Waiting at the bus stop
Laughing off the rain
Shaking their umbrellas
Till it starts again
Flowers in the water
Floating off downstream
Paper in the gutter
Blowing in the breeze
Am I right?
Am I wrong?
Or am I just dreaming?
And the rain comes rushing down
To resolve your love
For this man in his twenties
Am I right?
Am I wrong?
Or am I just dreaming?
Climbing up the backstairs
There's a chill wind in the air
I wrap up from the cold
Pull the blinds in the window
Who was there?
Was it you?
Or am I just dreaming?
Look at all the lonely people
Walking miles around the town
I can see the old cathedral
But I have to play it down
Boats along the river
Setting up their sails
And life carries on as normal
Although you're not around
Waiting at the bus stop
Laughing off the rain
Shaking their umbrellas
Till it starts again
Flowers in the water
Floating off downstream
Paper in the gutter
Blowing in the breeze
Am I right?
Am I wrong?
Or am I just dreaming?
"it's not personal"
yeah.
that's right. tell me it's not personal after you had aimed your loosened handle right at me.
"it's not personal."
a way of saying "too bad you had to be there"? or a way of ensuring that future animosity is "not called-for"? bah.
corporate insincerity!
that's right. tell me it's not personal after you had aimed your loosened handle right at me.
"it's not personal."
a way of saying "too bad you had to be there"? or a way of ensuring that future animosity is "not called-for"? bah.
corporate insincerity!
Saturday, November 05, 2005
lost, found
i think i'd just found him.
woohoohoo.
as scared as i am
as good as gold
as sensuous as erotic
i'm as good as sold
though listen to jenn, don't be hasty....
but screw it try telling yourself that when you're this close! YAAAAAARGH!@
woohoohoo.
as scared as i am
as good as gold
as sensuous as erotic
i'm as good as sold
though listen to jenn, don't be hasty....
but screw it try telling yourself that when you're this close! YAAAAAARGH!@
Thursday, November 03, 2005
him.
it's been three weeks. i think i'd found him.
still in the midst of testing, but i think i'd found him. now loren, don't be hasty...
still in the midst of testing, but i think i'd found him. now loren, don't be hasty...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
halloween
met my galfriends up last night for halloween, it was pretty nice. i'd thought i would have trouble with talking to a certain susan but i was pleasantly surprised that none of the cattiness was there. none from me, none from her. i was quite glad about that, truly. relieved, even.
we talked, we laughed, i heard a few incredible tales from jas's very interestingly bent-but-straight-but-then-again cousin...
-laugh-
it's hilarious, truly. saw lawrence, a coupla others that i do not know and who's that again - jiahao - and there was ren choo. pretty fun crew to have about. too bad i had to leave early that evening, had my boss to impress and had a sudden attack of the sniffles. jenn changed quite a bit, she feels more grounded, more matured, more 'grown up'. which is good; it feels like the good ole logical girl i know has blossomed into a confident young lady. :)
jasmine? hahaha don't ever change, yeah!
..and here's hoping susan and i won't fight mucho, not over 'nothing'. we should be over that kinduv petty bickering.
mm.
i had told the ladies about this person i know. he's sweet and nice and well-built (one size smaller than what i am looking for though), looks alright (claims to be gay-bait) and everything else in between (yes EVERYTHING in between) but just so happens that i don't really trust him.
heck no one can be so sweet just because.
my doubts were even more compounded when he rode over to my place all the way from bayshore to bring me teh alia. he knew i won't be making myself a warm drink when he knew i had a sniffle attack. and that was about - one am?
why's he being this nice? it's really hard to comprehend.
i mean, he rode here to bring me tea with the intention of heading right back after, no monkey business.
the only oddity was that he had brought his toothbrush along with him...
but before you think he has come with the intention of staying over - he was walking out to the gate when it started to rain. happened twice already. heh. maybe it's just bukit timah. haha!
upon my asking why he'd have his toothbrush with him though, he said he doesn't know why he brought it neither. oh that i can believe. i often do things without understanding them only to have it turn out for the better.
like my printing a document i had asked a colleague of mine to print, only in a different format - my printing it was 'unnecessary' then because not even i needed it but later on it turned out that the format i had prepared was preferred. i guess that toothbrush incident worked along similar principle with this printing one.
but back to the story - nothing much happened; we slept, somewhat.
not because we were up and about - ahem - but because it was more difficult than we thought to a) fit two people on a single bed and b) stay asleep when two people are on that bed.
but goodness, how he woke me! with kisses. he slammed the clock for me without my asking (first beep) and snoozed the subsequent beepings until it was absolutely time to wake me. mmm. not bad. especially noting that not many (if any) can understand my early morning grunting when it's simply too early to crack open a 'NBCB kill that EFFING -" much less an eyelid.
but i still don't trust him.
how can anyone be this sweet?
we talked, we laughed, i heard a few incredible tales from jas's very interestingly bent-but-straight-but-then-again cousin...
-laugh-
it's hilarious, truly. saw lawrence, a coupla others that i do not know and who's that again - jiahao - and there was ren choo. pretty fun crew to have about. too bad i had to leave early that evening, had my boss to impress and had a sudden attack of the sniffles. jenn changed quite a bit, she feels more grounded, more matured, more 'grown up'. which is good; it feels like the good ole logical girl i know has blossomed into a confident young lady. :)
jasmine? hahaha don't ever change, yeah!
..and here's hoping susan and i won't fight mucho, not over 'nothing'. we should be over that kinduv petty bickering.
mm.
i had told the ladies about this person i know. he's sweet and nice and well-built (one size smaller than what i am looking for though), looks alright (claims to be gay-bait) and everything else in between (yes EVERYTHING in between) but just so happens that i don't really trust him.
heck no one can be so sweet just because.
my doubts were even more compounded when he rode over to my place all the way from bayshore to bring me teh alia. he knew i won't be making myself a warm drink when he knew i had a sniffle attack. and that was about - one am?
why's he being this nice? it's really hard to comprehend.
i mean, he rode here to bring me tea with the intention of heading right back after, no monkey business.
the only oddity was that he had brought his toothbrush along with him...
but before you think he has come with the intention of staying over - he was walking out to the gate when it started to rain. happened twice already. heh. maybe it's just bukit timah. haha!
upon my asking why he'd have his toothbrush with him though, he said he doesn't know why he brought it neither. oh that i can believe. i often do things without understanding them only to have it turn out for the better.
like my printing a document i had asked a colleague of mine to print, only in a different format - my printing it was 'unnecessary' then because not even i needed it but later on it turned out that the format i had prepared was preferred. i guess that toothbrush incident worked along similar principle with this printing one.
but back to the story - nothing much happened; we slept, somewhat.
not because we were up and about - ahem - but because it was more difficult than we thought to a) fit two people on a single bed and b) stay asleep when two people are on that bed.
but goodness, how he woke me! with kisses. he slammed the clock for me without my asking (first beep) and snoozed the subsequent beepings until it was absolutely time to wake me. mmm. not bad. especially noting that not many (if any) can understand my early morning grunting when it's simply too early to crack open a 'NBCB kill that EFFING -" much less an eyelid.
but i still don't trust him.
how can anyone be this sweet?
Saturday, October 22, 2005
beaus and card games
i was sitting at a table playing cards with a couple of acquaintances a friend, and her beau.
the evening was easy: we had cards and wine, the company was pleasant, conversation was smooth, all was good.
..until the sweet friend's beau and i started bickering.
make no mistake, the bickering started since we met, it's also nothing personal. it's almost like friendly punching minus the friendly bit.
but still, nothing personal, i understand as much. and if i had any experience with siblings, i would say this is quite similar. kinda fun, i'd say, especially when we don't get personal.
the bad bit is that it distresses my friend.
sometimes i wonder why, though most times i understand. it's just fun, i suppose. i mean, i don't know how it is on her beau's side but i look at it as something fun to do. hahaha
my friend seemed down for the rest of the evening, i'm not sure if it's our bickering that dampened the mood. and that, in turn, distressed me.
i had considered not attending anymore card games briefly but waved the idea away. it will put my friend in a spot as well. heh. so... behave? mmm. maybe. i'm sure i can do something to make her more at ease. :)
the evening was easy: we had cards and wine, the company was pleasant, conversation was smooth, all was good.
..until the sweet friend's beau and i started bickering.
make no mistake, the bickering started since we met, it's also nothing personal. it's almost like friendly punching minus the friendly bit.
but still, nothing personal, i understand as much. and if i had any experience with siblings, i would say this is quite similar. kinda fun, i'd say, especially when we don't get personal.
the bad bit is that it distresses my friend.
sometimes i wonder why, though most times i understand. it's just fun, i suppose. i mean, i don't know how it is on her beau's side but i look at it as something fun to do. hahaha
my friend seemed down for the rest of the evening, i'm not sure if it's our bickering that dampened the mood. and that, in turn, distressed me.
i had considered not attending anymore card games briefly but waved the idea away. it will put my friend in a spot as well. heh. so... behave? mmm. maybe. i'm sure i can do something to make her more at ease. :)
Friday, October 14, 2005
i wonder..
i wonder if i publish a book will anyone buy it.
i wonder if i start to write can i earn money.
i have the talent, i know. read enough funny books to throw funny lines. but then, i wonder.
i wonder if i start to write can i earn money.
i have the talent, i know. read enough funny books to throw funny lines. but then, i wonder.
re-read
reread what i had typed in the immediate previous post and was quite aghast.
what? i had typed that? about someone i had parted with for er, eight months already?? the hour must be getting to me.
golly, if that's how i am behaving after eight months' worth of being apart after one year of being together, late-night or otherwise - i'm never ever ever going to get married. never mind that there are people i know who will treat me well and are able to and will provide for my needs and frivolities - the idea of getting this weak just because of some person is ridiculous.
and it won't be me. nah-uh.
i may love, but i'll never marry. you all can laugh at me when i do walk down the aisle. i'm inviting it, because i know it won't happen. marriage is for lucky people.
and that's the reason why i'm strong. i will not be weak. never!
what? i had typed that? about someone i had parted with for er, eight months already?? the hour must be getting to me.
golly, if that's how i am behaving after eight months' worth of being apart after one year of being together, late-night or otherwise - i'm never ever ever going to get married. never mind that there are people i know who will treat me well and are able to and will provide for my needs and frivolities - the idea of getting this weak just because of some person is ridiculous.
and it won't be me. nah-uh.
i may love, but i'll never marry. you all can laugh at me when i do walk down the aisle. i'm inviting it, because i know it won't happen. marriage is for lucky people.
and that's the reason why i'm strong. i will not be weak. never!
just a little terrorised
the food near my place, the short drive down to katong, the evenings alone or otherwise in my room, with simony, the hamster that i let loose once in a while -
i'm going to move away from that all in a few days' time. i'm suddenly scared. just a little. terror, i mean.
i don't quite know if i can let the memories go. will they be torn from me, cause me hurt? will they simply melt away, like a secret lover with a family to return to? will i still dream of the person i had called quits with, waking to gulp air, to swallow tears?
does working work, do the distractions from the workplace, human and otherwise, help?
..if they do, why do i reminisce, like i want back, like i wanted to claw the fabric of time to reel it back in; start again?
...if they don't why am i this happy, feeling this fulfilled? if they don't, why am i still laughing, still smiling, loving life, living life, enjoying the attention..?
maybe i still cannot let you go. nobody should've said if we fit. they have no grounds.
if we didn't and were still happy we 'complement' each other. if we're not we're 'too different'.
if we did and we're still unhappy we're 'incompatible'.
so what gives, huh?
but too bad. maybe for you, maybe for me. it doesn't matter, for whether or not i can let go is besides the point. i'm leaving.
and that's all there is to it.
maybe we'll find each other again after a year, like we did the last time round.
who knows? maybe i'd meet an old dying man and marry his monies instead. heh. -laugh-
maybe.
i'm going to move away from that all in a few days' time. i'm suddenly scared. just a little. terror, i mean.
i don't quite know if i can let the memories go. will they be torn from me, cause me hurt? will they simply melt away, like a secret lover with a family to return to? will i still dream of the person i had called quits with, waking to gulp air, to swallow tears?
does working work, do the distractions from the workplace, human and otherwise, help?
..if they do, why do i reminisce, like i want back, like i wanted to claw the fabric of time to reel it back in; start again?
...if they don't why am i this happy, feeling this fulfilled? if they don't, why am i still laughing, still smiling, loving life, living life, enjoying the attention..?
maybe i still cannot let you go. nobody should've said if we fit. they have no grounds.
if we didn't and were still happy we 'complement' each other. if we're not we're 'too different'.
if we did and we're still unhappy we're 'incompatible'.
so what gives, huh?
but too bad. maybe for you, maybe for me. it doesn't matter, for whether or not i can let go is besides the point. i'm leaving.
and that's all there is to it.
maybe we'll find each other again after a year, like we did the last time round.
who knows? maybe i'd meet an old dying man and marry his monies instead. heh. -laugh-
maybe.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
famous
i didn't realise i was being watched; i'd found out today.
or stalked, or whatever. i had received a message via sms from an unfamiliar number this evening, telling me "madam, please close your windows when you masturbate, all your neighbours can see"
whoa.
must be someone from the next block.
when i replied to say "you must've gotten the wrong person" that person replied to say "no.. i'm certain it was u.." or something to the like, i've to refer to that funky message. heck i even saved the number, just in case i decide upon a whim to press charges for invasion of privacy. heh.
but well. i decided for now to be happy with 'that's very nice to know. now run along with your fantasies and leave me alone.'
maybe i'll test that number to see who it is. hahaha! what a nice game to play, this.
or stalked, or whatever. i had received a message via sms from an unfamiliar number this evening, telling me "madam, please close your windows when you masturbate, all your neighbours can see"
whoa.
must be someone from the next block.
when i replied to say "you must've gotten the wrong person" that person replied to say "no.. i'm certain it was u.." or something to the like, i've to refer to that funky message. heck i even saved the number, just in case i decide upon a whim to press charges for invasion of privacy. heh.
but well. i decided for now to be happy with 'that's very nice to know. now run along with your fantasies and leave me alone.'
maybe i'll test that number to see who it is. hahaha! what a nice game to play, this.
Monday, October 10, 2005
nine/eight more days
the day to move draws near. ten, no - nine more days.
make that eight days, for i move on the ninth day. i'd been staying late in the office these few weeks, to help with the sales, to help with the this and to pitch in with the that. there is no time.
not even to eat, sometimes. and how do i dismantle everything to pack?? will these even go together again to make the shelf they are now? same goes for my bed.
make that eight days, for i move on the ninth day. i'd been staying late in the office these few weeks, to help with the sales, to help with the this and to pitch in with the that. there is no time.
not even to eat, sometimes. and how do i dismantle everything to pack?? will these even go together again to make the shelf they are now? same goes for my bed.
the sad perfume
i had realised, with quiet shock, that the reason why i was this besotted with this particular person was his perfume.
it sounds outright ridiculous, i know - attracted to a scent! gods - but truly, that scent he wears heralds his presence, coupled with his low voice i was the doddering fool. and what a fool.
it is a little sad that the spell had broken; it had faded to nothing when i realised just what it was that had me wrapped around his little finger.
some of you may nod and say that i have grown wiser, a little less green. others may simply nod and smile, knowing this, too, will pass. after all, you WERE attracted to some asshole just because he's got a cute ass then.
'that is life,' a certain terence will say, followed by a saucy comment that will undoubtedly make me laugh.
..i say this is a sad story. no beginning, much less an end. it'd been pretty, the startings of that nonexistent beginning.
i'm sorry this enchantment has dissolved, sweet dear. your perfume is still lovely, but i am no longer in thrall.
it sounds outright ridiculous, i know - attracted to a scent! gods - but truly, that scent he wears heralds his presence, coupled with his low voice i was the doddering fool. and what a fool.
it is a little sad that the spell had broken; it had faded to nothing when i realised just what it was that had me wrapped around his little finger.
some of you may nod and say that i have grown wiser, a little less green. others may simply nod and smile, knowing this, too, will pass. after all, you WERE attracted to some asshole just because he's got a cute ass then.
'that is life,' a certain terence will say, followed by a saucy comment that will undoubtedly make me laugh.
..i say this is a sad story. no beginning, much less an end. it'd been pretty, the startings of that nonexistent beginning.
i'm sorry this enchantment has dissolved, sweet dear. your perfume is still lovely, but i am no longer in thrall.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
...i had the dubious pleasure of being at work on a sunday morning today.
and as i was checking for something online, this purple little sign on the right side of the webpage caught my eye.
'when you're serious,' it had read, much to my incredulity, 'about love.'
the picture upon which the words took turns to appear on showed this long-haired young asian lady peering at her presumed boyfriend who was distractedly picking out something. i would assume that they are on a holiday. i stared at the ad, wondering what it meant as the two phrases continued to take turns to appear.
then like a pebble finally reaching the water in a well, i suddenly understood: love is important, they're trying to say.
...they wouldn't be advertising this otherwise.
in other words, people do not like loneliness and providing a companion for a small introduction fee can get you some quick bucks.
this must be why prosti - social escorting, ahem - is so profitable. because they sell 'companionship'. and you get to pick that sexy thing you can never hope to catch the eyes of out of the many of the sexy things you can never hope to catch the eyes of, just because you earned it.
the money, i mean.
...unless, of course, you flash your gold/platinum credit cards/wads of money liberally or, if you're a lady, precious-stone-encrusted enough to make the blindest person in the room approach and ask if you would quit the light display.
then you can start a conversation.
i'm sure for those who lack the looks but can still earn the bucks keeping the person hooked with sparkly conversation would be of no problem. for those who are endowed (with good looks, i mean) i'm sure you won't need the bling.
but since i'm no avid fan of rocks and do not own enough shiny credit cards to start with - i'm afraid that option is not open to me. my only currencies are an off-beat charm and a goofy smile and the hope that they work. :D
hmm.
'when you're serious about love,' they said.
so... what if i'm not serious about love but i'm serious about 'luuurve'? you know, the eye-brow-bobbing, hand-rubbing kind? the one with too many 'u's and an extra 'r'?
will i have to call the agency (i'm assuming it's an angency), to er, increase my chances? and what if i did? what if i am already meeting the occasional loser in life that i'd rather not meet with? does calling the agency mean that i'm setting myself up to meet more losers who need to pay to meet people?
does calling them mean i will become one?
or worse yet, is this a ploy by proxy to sell 'protection'?? i won't be surprised, neither, if this has something got to do with the government's plans to get us to have more babies.
boost the ageing country's growth, they say, give us a baby or three! where can you get a bargain like this, we pay you money to expand your family tree!
...bah. agencies. love. luuurve. babies and condoms. trickery!
and what does it all mean? that i need 'someone special' to be happy? a baby? maybe i don't know what i'm missing but if i don't know what i'm missing i won't know the pains of not having something, no? so it doesn't matter, no?
...so sincere congratulations to those who had found love, whatever that is. i'm slightly envious because you look so happy together, but still no loss of mine. maybe you're envious of me, too, for i do not feel for the moments when he/she is leaving on a plane bound for Somewhere Else, or when you fight, or when he/she has 'found somebody else' or worse, when he/she has 'found somebody else' and you hadn't!
...maybe like the girl who has everything but doesn't know the loss of anything i scoff at this four-letter word.
heh. and how ironic. it's got the same number of letters as the word that means procreation.
maybe it is youth's fire that still burns in me, the blind pursuit of movement and change, meaningful or otherwise that makes me put these on a lower tier. but what does it matter, when it doesn't matter? it will matter soon enough and that will come later. one step at a time, i always say.
as for the flashing signs - i get the message.
next step: set up an escort company. fancy being an investor, anybody? :D
and as i was checking for something online, this purple little sign on the right side of the webpage caught my eye.
'when you're serious,' it had read, much to my incredulity, 'about love.'
the picture upon which the words took turns to appear on showed this long-haired young asian lady peering at her presumed boyfriend who was distractedly picking out something. i would assume that they are on a holiday. i stared at the ad, wondering what it meant as the two phrases continued to take turns to appear.
then like a pebble finally reaching the water in a well, i suddenly understood: love is important, they're trying to say.
...they wouldn't be advertising this otherwise.
in other words, people do not like loneliness and providing a companion for a small introduction fee can get you some quick bucks.
this must be why prosti - social escorting, ahem - is so profitable. because they sell 'companionship'. and you get to pick that sexy thing you can never hope to catch the eyes of out of the many of the sexy things you can never hope to catch the eyes of, just because you earned it.
the money, i mean.
...unless, of course, you flash your gold/platinum credit cards/wads of money liberally or, if you're a lady, precious-stone-encrusted enough to make the blindest person in the room approach and ask if you would quit the light display.
then you can start a conversation.
i'm sure for those who lack the looks but can still earn the bucks keeping the person hooked with sparkly conversation would be of no problem. for those who are endowed (with good looks, i mean) i'm sure you won't need the bling.
but since i'm no avid fan of rocks and do not own enough shiny credit cards to start with - i'm afraid that option is not open to me. my only currencies are an off-beat charm and a goofy smile and the hope that they work. :D
hmm.
'when you're serious about love,' they said.
so... what if i'm not serious about love but i'm serious about 'luuurve'? you know, the eye-brow-bobbing, hand-rubbing kind? the one with too many 'u's and an extra 'r'?
will i have to call the agency (i'm assuming it's an angency), to er, increase my chances? and what if i did? what if i am already meeting the occasional loser in life that i'd rather not meet with? does calling the agency mean that i'm setting myself up to meet more losers who need to pay to meet people?
does calling them mean i will become one?
or worse yet, is this a ploy by proxy to sell 'protection'?? i won't be surprised, neither, if this has something got to do with the government's plans to get us to have more babies.
boost the ageing country's growth, they say, give us a baby or three! where can you get a bargain like this, we pay you money to expand your family tree!
...bah. agencies. love. luuurve. babies and condoms. trickery!
and what does it all mean? that i need 'someone special' to be happy? a baby? maybe i don't know what i'm missing but if i don't know what i'm missing i won't know the pains of not having something, no? so it doesn't matter, no?
...so sincere congratulations to those who had found love, whatever that is. i'm slightly envious because you look so happy together, but still no loss of mine. maybe you're envious of me, too, for i do not feel for the moments when he/she is leaving on a plane bound for Somewhere Else, or when you fight, or when he/she has 'found somebody else' or worse, when he/she has 'found somebody else' and you hadn't!
...maybe like the girl who has everything but doesn't know the loss of anything i scoff at this four-letter word.
heh. and how ironic. it's got the same number of letters as the word that means procreation.
maybe it is youth's fire that still burns in me, the blind pursuit of movement and change, meaningful or otherwise that makes me put these on a lower tier. but what does it matter, when it doesn't matter? it will matter soon enough and that will come later. one step at a time, i always say.
as for the flashing signs - i get the message.
next step: set up an escort company. fancy being an investor, anybody? :D
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
you da bamboo
"I Would not Quit" He Said
One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...
I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. "I would not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...
But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots"
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet, they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high!"
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and bring back this story.
One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...
I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. "I would not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...
But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots"
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet, they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high!"
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and bring back this story.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
spite.
i am stupid and you're smart
letting you think so is an art
i blabber i speak i act just so
so you would think me slow
misguiding you is so so easy
it's such a cake i feel slightly dirty
you think you know
i think you do too
and let me praise that side of you
sweet angel, oh how cool
wow that's amazing how'd that go
you're so fast, oh teach me, too!
letting you think so is an art
i blabber i speak i act just so
so you would think me slow
misguiding you is so so easy
it's such a cake i feel slightly dirty
you think you know
i think you do too
and let me praise that side of you
sweet angel, oh how cool
wow that's amazing how'd that go
you're so fast, oh teach me, too!
serious play.
are you the kind who has too much control?
even when you're drunk, you are still sober? the type with more head than heart?
if you're not, you might be lucky. curse not the impulses and emotions that take you on its whim, to swing you about, sometimes in a terrific whirl and other times, a horrific typhoon.
those who have more control than anything may agree that they are often independent, sometimes to the point of being cold. 'mysterious', if you prefer.
but with that comes the inability to let'er rip and let loose. even play is serious.
and how do i live..
even when you're drunk, you are still sober? the type with more head than heart?
if you're not, you might be lucky. curse not the impulses and emotions that take you on its whim, to swing you about, sometimes in a terrific whirl and other times, a horrific typhoon.
those who have more control than anything may agree that they are often independent, sometimes to the point of being cold. 'mysterious', if you prefer.
but with that comes the inability to let'er rip and let loose. even play is serious.
and how do i live..
disgust.
have you ever felt tired, through 'nothing' at all?
just the 'regular stuff', things from 'here and there'?
i'm getting tired. i'd witnessed raised voices, immature behaviour and an unwillingness to consider that one's thinking might not be as right as he thought it would be. i've had enough.
repeated exhortations at whether one is 'a friend' or not is not helping matters. and it's not even happening to me. gee whiz. my faith in the company i keep is strong, but i won't stand for this. gangsta behaviour.
i will ignore that person. thoroughly.
just the 'regular stuff', things from 'here and there'?
i'm getting tired. i'd witnessed raised voices, immature behaviour and an unwillingness to consider that one's thinking might not be as right as he thought it would be. i've had enough.
repeated exhortations at whether one is 'a friend' or not is not helping matters. and it's not even happening to me. gee whiz. my faith in the company i keep is strong, but i won't stand for this. gangsta behaviour.
i will ignore that person. thoroughly.
Friday, September 30, 2005
awareness on you.
distractions are nice. especially if clothed just so.
can't take my awareness off him!
can't take my awareness off him!
Monday, September 26, 2005
two days spent lovely
people leaving. lovely people leaving.
one has left, two more to go. i'm staying on, nowhere else i want to be.
but these two days were spent lovely. had a ball of a time, things seem to be going on well, despite hiccups.
and i love life.
one has left, two more to go. i'm staying on, nowhere else i want to be.
but these two days were spent lovely. had a ball of a time, things seem to be going on well, despite hiccups.
and i love life.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
sobered
phew.
sobered already. heady distractions waved away and reality returns gently.
happiness. :)
sobered already. heady distractions waved away and reality returns gently.
happiness. :)
sexy shirt
he stepped into the office today in a sexy shirt.
call me a sucker but he's the kind who possesses the kind of street-rogue charm. in a see-through shirt and jeans that, as usual, seem to oh-so-unwarily accent his butt, like it's a kind of an accident.
mmm yummy.
but ah, distractions aside...
call me a sucker but he's the kind who possesses the kind of street-rogue charm. in a see-through shirt and jeans that, as usual, seem to oh-so-unwarily accent his butt, like it's a kind of an accident.
mmm yummy.
but ah, distractions aside...
Saturday, September 24, 2005
the place.
the place i had chosen out of the three possibilities has one main factor: The Lord.
When i stepped in one of the things i had seen was His visage, in the form of a painting, looking down benignly at me from a higher part of the wall. it has been good.
i really love the old-world feel of it, almost like this place hasn't been touched by time. the staircase if i remember correctly was still mosaic, and it spiraled angularly up to the second storey. there even was a bathtub! oh gosh, i had always wanted a bathtub! the old lady seemed fine, the maid can cook a decent chinese meal, given the yummy aromas that wafted from the kitchen when i was visiting.
thus. i'll be moving in come november. here's hoping i will be staying there for long, considering it is quiet and i love quietude. maybe draw up a contract that says i'll be sticking around for a year.....
hmm. The Lord will take care of me, and when it is time to move on, i will know. Amen.
When i stepped in one of the things i had seen was His visage, in the form of a painting, looking down benignly at me from a higher part of the wall. it has been good.
i really love the old-world feel of it, almost like this place hasn't been touched by time. the staircase if i remember correctly was still mosaic, and it spiraled angularly up to the second storey. there even was a bathtub! oh gosh, i had always wanted a bathtub! the old lady seemed fine, the maid can cook a decent chinese meal, given the yummy aromas that wafted from the kitchen when i was visiting.
thus. i'll be moving in come november. here's hoping i will be staying there for long, considering it is quiet and i love quietude. maybe draw up a contract that says i'll be sticking around for a year.....
hmm. The Lord will take care of me, and when it is time to move on, i will know. Amen.
Friday, September 23, 2005
place
i believe i have found the place for me. it's in bukit timah, it's a lovely lovely place with a pretty alright old aunty and her maid. rent's cheap and it looks like i'll love the weather there. lovely!
but i'm looking at this place in somerset tomorrow also.. let's all see how that goes!
but i'm looking at this place in somerset tomorrow also.. let's all see how that goes!
there goes my baby; belated
there goes my baby, more ways than one. (just one more than one but it's still more ways than one)
-----
There Goes Ma Baby - Trisha Yearwood
He was the kind of guy who loved so unselffishly
And everyone could see what a prize he was
Everyone but me
I must be blind
I must be the kind
Who don't know what they have
'Till they're all alone and sad
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How could I have a love so fine and not know what it's worth
Maybe this empty heart he left behind
Is all that I deserve
What kind of fool
Finds a perfect jewel
And can't see how it shines
'Till she's all alone and crying
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How I wish I could hold him in my arms and say
"This time I'm gonna treat him right!"
But it's too late!
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye!
----
There Goes Ma Baby - by The Drifters
(Bo-bo, doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doot-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doo-doo-doo)
There goes my baby, movin' on down the line
Wonder where, wonder where, wonder where she is bound?
I broke her heart and made her cry
Now I'm alone, so all alone
What can I do, what can I do?
(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
(There goes my baby) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh
(There she goes) Yeah! (There she goes)
I wanna know if she loved me
Did she really love me?
Was she just playing me for a fool?
I wonder why she left me
Why did she leave me so all alone
So all alone
I was gonna tell her that I loved her
And that I need her
Beside my side to be my guide
I wanna know where is my (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
Where is my baby (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo) ?
I want my baby
I need my baby
Yeah, whoa-oh-oh
FADE
(There goes my baby)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
-----
There Goes Ma Baby - Trisha Yearwood
He was the kind of guy who loved so unselffishly
And everyone could see what a prize he was
Everyone but me
I must be blind
I must be the kind
Who don't know what they have
'Till they're all alone and sad
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How could I have a love so fine and not know what it's worth
Maybe this empty heart he left behind
Is all that I deserve
What kind of fool
Finds a perfect jewel
And can't see how it shines
'Till she's all alone and crying
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How I wish I could hold him in my arms and say
"This time I'm gonna treat him right!"
But it's too late!
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye!
----
There Goes Ma Baby - by The Drifters
(Bo-bo, doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doot-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doo-doo-doo)
There goes my baby, movin' on down the line
Wonder where, wonder where, wonder where she is bound?
I broke her heart and made her cry
Now I'm alone, so all alone
What can I do, what can I do?
(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
(There goes my baby) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh
(There she goes) Yeah! (There she goes)
I wanna know if she loved me
Did she really love me?
Was she just playing me for a fool?
I wonder why she left me
Why did she leave me so all alone
So all alone
I was gonna tell her that I loved her
And that I need her
Beside my side to be my guide
I wanna know where is my (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
Where is my baby (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo) ?
I want my baby
I need my baby
Yeah, whoa-oh-oh
FADE
(There goes my baby)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
wonderment
i've always wondered how the things are the way they are.
the hits and misses, the good times, the bad. did i just carve these all out by myself??
the hits and misses, the good times, the bad. did i just carve these all out by myself??
Saturday, September 17, 2005
club
been to a club today and witnessed the most interesting incident.
guy dances with girl with hot dance moves. girl shares a delicate snog on the dance floor, a while later guy was seen necking another guy and there was just too many group hugs and hugs all around.
guy ignores girl for necked buddy's attention (poor thing. ugly but i'm sure she's got a winning personality) and soon girl complain to necked friend and guy soon gets the shit. guy leaves club, girl follows later.
necked guy upset at the bar counter with another guy buddy who consoles him, somehow. girl and guy later seen outside of club, with the guy sitting in one corner, head between his knees and the girl's consoling him. it's interesting what we see in places as such. looks don't matter because 'personality' shines when lights are low.
and when you have air for brains chancey lights help if you have loads of foundation and mascara. either way, it works.
hahaha, what a funny world this is!
guy dances with girl with hot dance moves. girl shares a delicate snog on the dance floor, a while later guy was seen necking another guy and there was just too many group hugs and hugs all around.
guy ignores girl for necked buddy's attention (poor thing. ugly but i'm sure she's got a winning personality) and soon girl complain to necked friend and guy soon gets the shit. guy leaves club, girl follows later.
necked guy upset at the bar counter with another guy buddy who consoles him, somehow. girl and guy later seen outside of club, with the guy sitting in one corner, head between his knees and the girl's consoling him. it's interesting what we see in places as such. looks don't matter because 'personality' shines when lights are low.
and when you have air for brains chancey lights help if you have loads of foundation and mascara. either way, it works.
hahaha, what a funny world this is!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
self-professed cold-faced person
i wonder, if i am overtly un-smiley sometimes. a smile makes me easier to approach, i suppose.
-chuckle- i suddenly remember a remark a certain simony had made about me: you're rather unapproachable.
maybe. maybe that's it. the lack of a smile and having a pokerface that tends towards Your High-Grouchy-Ness. i really should smile more. all bright-eyes but no smile - what a waste.
i should make an effort.
-chuckle- i suddenly remember a remark a certain simony had made about me: you're rather unapproachable.
maybe. maybe that's it. the lack of a smile and having a pokerface that tends towards Your High-Grouchy-Ness. i really should smile more. all bright-eyes but no smile - what a waste.
i should make an effort.
unedited
On Mosquitos
I had been here for two days and already I had counted the days I had been here.
Yes I know it’s only been two days and gully dwarves could count up to that number as well but I’m telling you, losing sleep for two nights running after a period of over-working is not funny.
Especially when the cause was mainly heat and mosquitoes. Heat I can hardly take already; heat coupled with mosquitoes warrants a surefire way to wake me and have me stay that way. Not that I’m ungrateful for the invitation to be about when the wedding takes place – I am, very much so in fact.
But being invited to witness the ceremonies during the day does not take away any of the itches that were bestowed upon me by these persistent six-legged little things during the night. Wearing painstakingly-crafted lacy garments helped, though, for I seemed to be wearing a fine, pretty net that allowed air to circulate and no mosquitoes. I was thankfully bite-free for the entire day. The downside was the weather was still as warm and humid as ever.
I had thought of a – principle, if you will – this morning when I was still bleary-eyed. If the reason why mosquitoes are this hungrily persistent is due to the ‘need’ for variety – does that mean hedonism is a bad bad thing indeed?
What I mean by variety is that these insects can survive on nectar, plant fluids and dew, not just human blood (or any blood, for that matter). And these insects chose human over plant, and me over the rest of the people. I have often wondered how they differentiated between the tastes, if there were tastes to us all. Surprisingly and for fear of sounding ever-so-slightly racist, my Malay roommates were left alone, so much so that when I had awoken from the pain (yes, literal pain) from the bites in the middle of the night to harass a slumbering roommate – her response was an exasperating ‘Really? There were mosquitoes?’
So… does that mean in a country and area that primarily houses Malays – I as a Chinese gets special treatment? Hmm. Maybe it was the difference in scent. But that cannot be, for I made sure I used whatever soap there was in the common bathroom. Maybe I give our more heat than the rest due to my higher metabolic rate and that therefore marks me as a beacon for those heat-sensing irritations? Or do people of different racial descent taste different to them? This is more possible than the ‘new-blood’ argument, considering I was bunking with three other people who were also visitors.
The reason why I ponder this much about mosquitoes is because goodness knows I react badly to mosquito bites, one bite can easily swell up to one and a half of the diameter of a fifty-cent coin. And God forbid that the bite should be on my face. It will look like a pimple and I cannot touch it. No amount of Oxy will help, the swelling will just have to go down by itself, which will take quite a few days indeed.
But through these two days, I had mastered mind over matter again. Funny, it happens each time I encounter mosquito problems as such which incidentally coincides with my trips to Indonesia.
Once the pain was over it was pretty much fine. It was the fifteen seconds after the bite that is quite unbearable. The itch that you can locate but cannot see; the itch you can locate and can see, then the stage wherein the itch heightens and the part that has been bitten starts swelling stupendously in irregular shapes and freak the hell out of you on top of being both itchy and painful at the same time.
If this is not poison I don’t know what is.
But then, mind over matter works. That or some soap and cold, cold water.
Hmm. Looks like I’ve said quite a bit about something as small as mosquitoes. I suppose I should get some sleep now and probably charge my laptop. The kids here seem to like me a lot, for some reason.
Do I smell nice to them too, that they like me this much?
I had been here for two days and already I had counted the days I had been here.
Yes I know it’s only been two days and gully dwarves could count up to that number as well but I’m telling you, losing sleep for two nights running after a period of over-working is not funny.
Especially when the cause was mainly heat and mosquitoes. Heat I can hardly take already; heat coupled with mosquitoes warrants a surefire way to wake me and have me stay that way. Not that I’m ungrateful for the invitation to be about when the wedding takes place – I am, very much so in fact.
But being invited to witness the ceremonies during the day does not take away any of the itches that were bestowed upon me by these persistent six-legged little things during the night. Wearing painstakingly-crafted lacy garments helped, though, for I seemed to be wearing a fine, pretty net that allowed air to circulate and no mosquitoes. I was thankfully bite-free for the entire day. The downside was the weather was still as warm and humid as ever.
I had thought of a – principle, if you will – this morning when I was still bleary-eyed. If the reason why mosquitoes are this hungrily persistent is due to the ‘need’ for variety – does that mean hedonism is a bad bad thing indeed?
What I mean by variety is that these insects can survive on nectar, plant fluids and dew, not just human blood (or any blood, for that matter). And these insects chose human over plant, and me over the rest of the people. I have often wondered how they differentiated between the tastes, if there were tastes to us all. Surprisingly and for fear of sounding ever-so-slightly racist, my Malay roommates were left alone, so much so that when I had awoken from the pain (yes, literal pain) from the bites in the middle of the night to harass a slumbering roommate – her response was an exasperating ‘Really? There were mosquitoes?’
So… does that mean in a country and area that primarily houses Malays – I as a Chinese gets special treatment? Hmm. Maybe it was the difference in scent. But that cannot be, for I made sure I used whatever soap there was in the common bathroom. Maybe I give our more heat than the rest due to my higher metabolic rate and that therefore marks me as a beacon for those heat-sensing irritations? Or do people of different racial descent taste different to them? This is more possible than the ‘new-blood’ argument, considering I was bunking with three other people who were also visitors.
The reason why I ponder this much about mosquitoes is because goodness knows I react badly to mosquito bites, one bite can easily swell up to one and a half of the diameter of a fifty-cent coin. And God forbid that the bite should be on my face. It will look like a pimple and I cannot touch it. No amount of Oxy will help, the swelling will just have to go down by itself, which will take quite a few days indeed.
But through these two days, I had mastered mind over matter again. Funny, it happens each time I encounter mosquito problems as such which incidentally coincides with my trips to Indonesia.
Once the pain was over it was pretty much fine. It was the fifteen seconds after the bite that is quite unbearable. The itch that you can locate but cannot see; the itch you can locate and can see, then the stage wherein the itch heightens and the part that has been bitten starts swelling stupendously in irregular shapes and freak the hell out of you on top of being both itchy and painful at the same time.
If this is not poison I don’t know what is.
But then, mind over matter works. That or some soap and cold, cold water.
Hmm. Looks like I’ve said quite a bit about something as small as mosquitoes. I suppose I should get some sleep now and probably charge my laptop. The kids here seem to like me a lot, for some reason.
Do I smell nice to them too, that they like me this much?
Thursday, September 08, 2005
men and women
i was having lunch today, as per usual, when there was a subtle shift in my perception.
the people i saw suddenly became acutely gendered.
not in the physical oh-i-got-big-boobies sense but rather their faces. the people about me are beautiful, but there is something about them that makes me want to back up a bit. i wonder if i give people that kinda feel.
and suddenly i got scared. i get the feeling that i'm swimming with sharks. me, this minnow, swimming with the fish who seem not to notice that i'm a minnow.
...i'd probably be dead if they did. the probably did, they probably are pretending that they don't notice so i can grow a little bigger so i can do more than just get stuck between their teeth.
the world is a big bad place!
the people i saw suddenly became acutely gendered.
not in the physical oh-i-got-big-boobies sense but rather their faces. the people about me are beautiful, but there is something about them that makes me want to back up a bit. i wonder if i give people that kinda feel.
and suddenly i got scared. i get the feeling that i'm swimming with sharks. me, this minnow, swimming with the fish who seem not to notice that i'm a minnow.
...i'd probably be dead if they did. the probably did, they probably are pretending that they don't notice so i can grow a little bigger so i can do more than just get stuck between their teeth.
the world is a big bad place!
Sunday, September 04, 2005
the longest day
it's one of those.
fortunately it's only ONE of those. if there were more i'd've killed myself as many times as THOSE times happened.
i was having the most wonderful dreams this morning when my eyes popped open due to biological tuning. needless to say, i closed them right again and spent the next hour swimming between quasi-wakefulness and a light doze, which meant that my delicious dreams were somehow intermitten.
when i finally had no choice but to get up off from bed i had thought it would be a good day today. then i proceeded to brush my teeth and get ready - the usual. everything was fine until i got on the bus, found myself a seat and tried to read my papers.
the papers refused to stay gripped. they were not that heavy though i'll admit that they are a little too wide to handle in a one-seater. the ride went on well, with no weird people sitting beside, in front of, nor behind me. it was alright. then i got off the bus - tapped my card and stepped off the bus, only to leave my slipper behind when my foot touched the ground.
my thong's (the footwear, not the lacy delicate) snapped!
i had to hurry to retrieve it lest the bus doors snap on my hand. it was, upon examination, fixable (thankfully). thus i half-trotted, half-hopped to the nearby coffee stall to get a rubberband. i frequent that place for their yummy toast and ice-blended horlicks and thus am at least familiar with the person running the show. i had therefore asked for a rubberband.
upon hearing my cheerful request and brief explanation, the chap gave me a sidelong look then ambled to retrieve one red rubberband for me, then proceeded to ask me for ten cents.
i looked at him in amused disbelief and, taking it as a joke, laughed and hopped to a seat and began to fix my slipper. once done i tested it and thanked the rather-curious shop-keeper whom i had gotten the thong-saver from. he then asked for ten cents again, then when i goofily stuck out my arm and told him, 'pluck it yourself' in chinese (ten cents sounds like '1 hair' in Chinese) he sauntered off elsewhere, mumbling to himself.
it was not until five happy self-congratulating five meters later that i realised i might just have mistaken that dry tone for something more humourous......
ho boy did i walk faster! i mean, ten cents wasn't much and i would've given it gladly but THAT was just embarrassing!
..and so i brisk-walked to my students' place and art class took place. the kids were up but we started late as usual for they took their time with their breakfast and by the time we started we were forty minutes behind time. it didn't help that the youngest had to sluuuuuurp her milo as loudly as a polite Japanese man would to praise an able cook.
she was, thankfully, cute. it helped with tolerating her for half a nanosecond more.
then i smacked her.
and lest you think i'm a bully, it was a literal slap on the wrist followed by gentle admonition.
the kids took more time than was needed to draw today, for some reason and by the time they were near done two hours had passed which left us all only one hour to paint, which sure as plums are diahorrhea-causing will not be enough to complete the paintings. and throughout the struggle it had to rain... the aircon was on, the rain was there, i had been ill, hadn't very much sleep and had to contend with these little rascals........
the final straw for that lesson was when one of them tried to be smart with me.
needless to say, i left that place (nearly an hour) later when i've scheduled to meet someone an hour after my planned lesson-end time.
it did not help at all, that the rain was still coming down onto the pavement in a suicidal fashion; nothing like the whimsical-hesitant-frivolous kind of rain that we get sometimes. having gotten my paycheck for that month for these, i was able to take a quick ride down to the meeting-place without getting too wet. i was not late, which was good.
what wasn't was that the bloke had asked to meet up after nearly a year and a half so i could meet HIS friend - it would be so much more interesting if he were gay - so i may have the chance to be 'introduced' to 'health products' and 'make money' at the same time.
(that's right. mlm. KILL ME SOMEBODY!)
so The Friend spent two hours talking to me, introducing to me the various perks and products i have heard of (just another brand) and the kind of money i can make and the places i can go to, the kind of bonding that is the culture -
it wasn't easy to appear to listen when your head hurts and your eyes feel like someone's squeezed some lemon juice into it and the weather is just so nice and cooling..... i prayed for a chance to get out of the place.
and He, my dear, sweet God, answered!
a customer from two centuries back called and i had to disrupt The Friend's speech and presentation with suitable apologies. to handle the call.
...but if He had answered my prayers then i had foolishly let it slip through my fingers. i had not harboured thoughts of citing that call as an excuse to bail. i harboured thoughts of that only after two minutes of sitting down, which was already too late for me to say 'hey, stop, i've to go back to the office...' (yes i kicked myself for that, only later)
thankfully though, He had noted this foolish mistake of mine and i received ANOTHER call from a different customer! never in my life was i so happy to hear an unfamiliar voice that mispronounces my name as 'lawrence' in a disgruntled manner.
this time, i took that chance. thanking The Friend for his efforts and time and THAT Friend for wanting to share, i fled.
if any one of you were to think i were an ingrate for spurning those two's efforts - trust me i feel bad about it. they may have done it for money, they may have done it 'to spread the goodwill' but if i were to be in their shoes i would appreciate the courtesy to listen. it IS hard to do sales, i fully appreciate that.
...but i kicked myself for not taking the first chance to run anyway.
once in the office things were alright; the customer left happy (until monday comes, anyway) and i was able to get a semblance of a peace of mind for a while. then i headed down to town in the late afternoon, to look for a particular book i had been lusting after since this morning.
so i spent more hours than necessary in that bookstore commonly known as borders - the sky darkened without my noticing and my hunger tugged at my unresponsive being - until nine-odd, when i finally eliminated enough books for me to pay without breaking the bank. i have the squinty-eyed latina thing going on for me by that time. still i managed to totter my way to the bistro behind the said bookstore and had dinner. juice and spaghetti, who would've thought they tasted so good?
i'll wake up to regret this in the morning, i know, but now's not morning and morning can wait.
once satisfied i started walking towards my bus station - and, beat this - when i was waiting for the man to turn green a chinese national (male) crossed the street and asked if i may spare him some money to eat. then, upon my handing over a ten, asked if he may have more, so he may put up somewhere.
he even asked my name and my number so he can return me the money. i'd provided him my name and a fake number - which is just as well for i noticed that he only took his mobile phone out when i prompted him to (why ask for phone numbers when you can't remember it?) and hadn't even copied my entire string of eight numbers, much less save it.
make no mistake, this fella hand-carries a leather (faux or otherwise i do not know) case and looks like your everyday exec on a friday evening. the only thing giving his origins away is his accent.
i mean, do i have 'loaded; ask for money here' scrawled across my forehead? i was in torn jeans and zipped-up cardigan with a beaten-up canvas slingbag WITH a bag of books and he asks if i may spare him monies for food AND lodging??
but then again, it was only ten bucks. if he had asked for it and didn't dare save my number he probably needs it more than i do.
and so i continue on my way to the bus station, and took that bus home.
what a day it's been, this! it's another day in this urban jungle. who says you don't have to fight for survival here? i know i have to, and i know others have to, too. what makes a difference is graciousness; in speech and in actions. i'm glad i did not put too many people on the defensive today. and yes, i have lived this day, quite to the fullest.
what about you, though?
fortunately it's only ONE of those. if there were more i'd've killed myself as many times as THOSE times happened.
i was having the most wonderful dreams this morning when my eyes popped open due to biological tuning. needless to say, i closed them right again and spent the next hour swimming between quasi-wakefulness and a light doze, which meant that my delicious dreams were somehow intermitten.
when i finally had no choice but to get up off from bed i had thought it would be a good day today. then i proceeded to brush my teeth and get ready - the usual. everything was fine until i got on the bus, found myself a seat and tried to read my papers.
the papers refused to stay gripped. they were not that heavy though i'll admit that they are a little too wide to handle in a one-seater. the ride went on well, with no weird people sitting beside, in front of, nor behind me. it was alright. then i got off the bus - tapped my card and stepped off the bus, only to leave my slipper behind when my foot touched the ground.
my thong's (the footwear, not the lacy delicate) snapped!
i had to hurry to retrieve it lest the bus doors snap on my hand. it was, upon examination, fixable (thankfully). thus i half-trotted, half-hopped to the nearby coffee stall to get a rubberband. i frequent that place for their yummy toast and ice-blended horlicks and thus am at least familiar with the person running the show. i had therefore asked for a rubberband.
upon hearing my cheerful request and brief explanation, the chap gave me a sidelong look then ambled to retrieve one red rubberband for me, then proceeded to ask me for ten cents.
i looked at him in amused disbelief and, taking it as a joke, laughed and hopped to a seat and began to fix my slipper. once done i tested it and thanked the rather-curious shop-keeper whom i had gotten the thong-saver from. he then asked for ten cents again, then when i goofily stuck out my arm and told him, 'pluck it yourself' in chinese (ten cents sounds like '1 hair' in Chinese) he sauntered off elsewhere, mumbling to himself.
it was not until five happy self-congratulating five meters later that i realised i might just have mistaken that dry tone for something more humourous......
ho boy did i walk faster! i mean, ten cents wasn't much and i would've given it gladly but THAT was just embarrassing!
..and so i brisk-walked to my students' place and art class took place. the kids were up but we started late as usual for they took their time with their breakfast and by the time we started we were forty minutes behind time. it didn't help that the youngest had to sluuuuuurp her milo as loudly as a polite Japanese man would to praise an able cook.
she was, thankfully, cute. it helped with tolerating her for half a nanosecond more.
then i smacked her.
and lest you think i'm a bully, it was a literal slap on the wrist followed by gentle admonition.
the kids took more time than was needed to draw today, for some reason and by the time they were near done two hours had passed which left us all only one hour to paint, which sure as plums are diahorrhea-causing will not be enough to complete the paintings. and throughout the struggle it had to rain... the aircon was on, the rain was there, i had been ill, hadn't very much sleep and had to contend with these little rascals........
the final straw for that lesson was when one of them tried to be smart with me.
needless to say, i left that place (nearly an hour) later when i've scheduled to meet someone an hour after my planned lesson-end time.
it did not help at all, that the rain was still coming down onto the pavement in a suicidal fashion; nothing like the whimsical-hesitant-frivolous kind of rain that we get sometimes. having gotten my paycheck for that month for these, i was able to take a quick ride down to the meeting-place without getting too wet. i was not late, which was good.
what wasn't was that the bloke had asked to meet up after nearly a year and a half so i could meet HIS friend - it would be so much more interesting if he were gay - so i may have the chance to be 'introduced' to 'health products' and 'make money' at the same time.
(that's right. mlm. KILL ME SOMEBODY!)
so The Friend spent two hours talking to me, introducing to me the various perks and products i have heard of (just another brand) and the kind of money i can make and the places i can go to, the kind of bonding that is the culture -
it wasn't easy to appear to listen when your head hurts and your eyes feel like someone's squeezed some lemon juice into it and the weather is just so nice and cooling..... i prayed for a chance to get out of the place.
and He, my dear, sweet God, answered!
a customer from two centuries back called and i had to disrupt The Friend's speech and presentation with suitable apologies. to handle the call.
...but if He had answered my prayers then i had foolishly let it slip through my fingers. i had not harboured thoughts of citing that call as an excuse to bail. i harboured thoughts of that only after two minutes of sitting down, which was already too late for me to say 'hey, stop, i've to go back to the office...' (yes i kicked myself for that, only later)
thankfully though, He had noted this foolish mistake of mine and i received ANOTHER call from a different customer! never in my life was i so happy to hear an unfamiliar voice that mispronounces my name as 'lawrence' in a disgruntled manner.
this time, i took that chance. thanking The Friend for his efforts and time and THAT Friend for wanting to share, i fled.
if any one of you were to think i were an ingrate for spurning those two's efforts - trust me i feel bad about it. they may have done it for money, they may have done it 'to spread the goodwill' but if i were to be in their shoes i would appreciate the courtesy to listen. it IS hard to do sales, i fully appreciate that.
...but i kicked myself for not taking the first chance to run anyway.
once in the office things were alright; the customer left happy (until monday comes, anyway) and i was able to get a semblance of a peace of mind for a while. then i headed down to town in the late afternoon, to look for a particular book i had been lusting after since this morning.
so i spent more hours than necessary in that bookstore commonly known as borders - the sky darkened without my noticing and my hunger tugged at my unresponsive being - until nine-odd, when i finally eliminated enough books for me to pay without breaking the bank. i have the squinty-eyed latina thing going on for me by that time. still i managed to totter my way to the bistro behind the said bookstore and had dinner. juice and spaghetti, who would've thought they tasted so good?
i'll wake up to regret this in the morning, i know, but now's not morning and morning can wait.
once satisfied i started walking towards my bus station - and, beat this - when i was waiting for the man to turn green a chinese national (male) crossed the street and asked if i may spare him some money to eat. then, upon my handing over a ten, asked if he may have more, so he may put up somewhere.
he even asked my name and my number so he can return me the money. i'd provided him my name and a fake number - which is just as well for i noticed that he only took his mobile phone out when i prompted him to (why ask for phone numbers when you can't remember it?) and hadn't even copied my entire string of eight numbers, much less save it.
make no mistake, this fella hand-carries a leather (faux or otherwise i do not know) case and looks like your everyday exec on a friday evening. the only thing giving his origins away is his accent.
i mean, do i have 'loaded; ask for money here' scrawled across my forehead? i was in torn jeans and zipped-up cardigan with a beaten-up canvas slingbag WITH a bag of books and he asks if i may spare him monies for food AND lodging??
but then again, it was only ten bucks. if he had asked for it and didn't dare save my number he probably needs it more than i do.
and so i continue on my way to the bus station, and took that bus home.
what a day it's been, this! it's another day in this urban jungle. who says you don't have to fight for survival here? i know i have to, and i know others have to, too. what makes a difference is graciousness; in speech and in actions. i'm glad i did not put too many people on the defensive today. and yes, i have lived this day, quite to the fullest.
what about you, though?
Saturday, September 03, 2005
flatmate.
i got a new flatmate
i saw him when i was sick, yesterday
then i didn't see him today
probably not again tomorrow
maybe never ever
until i move away
but who cares
i don't know him anyway
i saw him when i was sick, yesterday
then i didn't see him today
probably not again tomorrow
maybe never ever
until i move away
but who cares
i don't know him anyway
Thursday, September 01, 2005
random
men are like that, you know. they're the weirdest things on earth. then again, i don't know women very well, neither. the entire race confounds me. they say one thing to mean another. it's either that or they mean it.
then there's this thing about expressing oneself. i mean, is it necessary? what does it matter, if one didn't speak, nor write, nor drew, nor...?
heh. i don't understand. then again, maybe i do.
then there's this thing about expressing oneself. i mean, is it necessary? what does it matter, if one didn't speak, nor write, nor drew, nor...?
heh. i don't understand. then again, maybe i do.
writing about nothing at all
i try to write but nothing comes out
i try and try and leaves start to sprout
i wave them away in ridicule
but they entangle me in the slow-mo duel
two thousand years passed and still i write
around me little beings lived and died
i watched them grow i watched them fight
i even watched them discover light
then i knew what i'd to pen
why hadn't i thought of it then
it's this frenzy this lust for strife
this poison that accompanies life
but then i noticed that if i moved
their houses would fall and they'd be food
for nature's creatures; ants to - something tall
and i'd be writing about nothing at all
i try and try and leaves start to sprout
i wave them away in ridicule
but they entangle me in the slow-mo duel
two thousand years passed and still i write
around me little beings lived and died
i watched them grow i watched them fight
i even watched them discover light
then i knew what i'd to pen
why hadn't i thought of it then
it's this frenzy this lust for strife
this poison that accompanies life
but then i noticed that if i moved
their houses would fall and they'd be food
for nature's creatures; ants to - something tall
and i'd be writing about nothing at all
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