ooh frenchie me

Your French Name is:

Jeannine Colin

What's Your French Name?

the place.

the place i had chosen out of the three possibilities has one main factor: The Lord.

When i stepped in one of the things i had seen was His visage, in the form of a painting, looking down benignly at me from a higher part of the wall. it has been good.

i really love the old-world feel of it, almost like this place hasn't been touched by time. the staircase if i remember correctly was still mosaic, and it spiraled angularly up to the second storey. there even was a bathtub! oh gosh, i had always wanted a bathtub! the old lady seemed fine, the maid can cook a decent chinese meal, given the yummy aromas that wafted from the kitchen when i was visiting.

thus. i'll be moving in come november. here's hoping i will be staying there for long, considering it is quiet and i love quietude. maybe draw up a contract that says i'll be sticking around for a year.....


hmm. The Lord will take care of me, and when it is time to move on, i will know. Amen.

place

i believe i have found the place for me. it's in bukit timah, it's a lovely lovely place with a pretty alright old aunty and her maid. rent's cheap and it looks like i'll love the weather there. lovely!


but i'm looking at this place in somerset tomorrow also.. let's all see how that goes!

there goes my baby; belated

there goes my baby, more ways than one. (just one more than one but it's still more ways than one)


-----

There Goes Ma Baby - Trisha Yearwood

He was the kind of guy who loved so unselffishly
And everyone could see what a prize he was
Everyone but me
I must be blind
I must be the kind
Who don't know what they have
'Till they're all alone and sad
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How could I have a love so fine and not know what it's worth
Maybe this empty heart he left behind
Is all that I deserve
What kind of fool
Finds a perfect jewel
And can't see how it shines
'Till she's all alone and crying
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
How I wish I could hold him in my arms and say
"This time I'm gonna treat him right!"
But it's too late!
There goes my baby
Like the sun falling out of the clear, blue sky
There goes my baby
And it's gonna be a cold, dark night
Now that I finally see
How I need him to be
Right here by my side
There goes my baby
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye
Bye, bye, Baby, goodbye!


----

There Goes Ma Baby - by The Drifters
(Bo-bo, doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(There she goes) (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doot-doo-doo)
(Bo-bo) (doo-doo-doo-doo)

There goes my baby, movin' on down the line
Wonder where, wonder where, wonder where she is bound?
I broke her heart and made her cry
Now I'm alone, so all alone
What can I do, what can I do?

(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
(There goes my baby) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(There goes my baby) Whoa-oh-oh-oh
(There she goes) Yeah! (There she goes)

I wanna know if she loved me
Did she really love me?
Was she just playing me for a fool?

I wonder why she left me
Why did she leave me so all alone
So all alone

I was gonna tell her that I loved her
And that I need her
Beside my side to be my guide

I wanna know where is my (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo)
Where is my baby (doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo) ?
I want my baby
I need my baby

Yeah, whoa-oh-oh

FADE
(There goes my baby)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

wonderment

i've always wondered how the things are the way they are.

the hits and misses, the good times, the bad. did i just carve these all out by myself??

club

been to a club today and witnessed the most interesting incident.

guy dances with girl with hot dance moves. girl shares a delicate snog on the dance floor, a while later guy was seen necking another guy and there was just too many group hugs and hugs all around.

guy ignores girl for necked buddy's attention (poor thing. ugly but i'm sure she's got a winning personality) and soon girl complain to necked friend and guy soon gets the shit. guy leaves club, girl follows later.

necked guy upset at the bar counter with another guy buddy who consoles him, somehow. girl and guy later seen outside of club, with the guy sitting in one corner, head between his knees and the girl's consoling him. it's interesting what we see in places as such. looks don't matter because 'personality' shines when lights are low.

and when you have air for brains chancey lights help if you have loads of foundation and mascara. either way, it works.


hahaha, what a funny world this is!

self-professed cold-faced person

i wonder, if i am overtly un-smiley sometimes. a smile makes me easier to approach, i suppose.

-chuckle- i suddenly remember a remark a certain simony had made about me: you're rather unapproachable.


maybe. maybe that's it. the lack of a smile and having a pokerface that tends towards Your High-Grouchy-Ness. i really should smile more. all bright-eyes but no smile - what a waste.

i should make an effort.

unedited

On Mosquitos

I had been here for two days and already I had counted the days I had been here.

Yes I know it’s only been two days and gully dwarves could count up to that number as well but I’m telling you, losing sleep for two nights running after a period of over-working is not funny.

Especially when the cause was mainly heat and mosquitoes. Heat I can hardly take already; heat coupled with mosquitoes warrants a surefire way to wake me and have me stay that way. Not that I’m ungrateful for the invitation to be about when the wedding takes place – I am, very much so in fact.

But being invited to witness the ceremonies during the day does not take away any of the itches that were bestowed upon me by these persistent six-legged little things during the night. Wearing painstakingly-crafted lacy garments helped, though, for I seemed to be wearing a fine, pretty net that allowed air to circulate and no mosquitoes. I was thankfully bite-free for the entire day. The downside was the weather was still as warm and humid as ever.

I had thought of a – principle, if you will – this morning when I was still bleary-eyed. If the reason why mosquitoes are this hungrily persistent is due to the ‘need’ for variety – does that mean hedonism is a bad bad thing indeed?

What I mean by variety is that these insects can survive on nectar, plant fluids and dew, not just human blood (or any blood, for that matter). And these insects chose human over plant, and me over the rest of the people. I have often wondered how they differentiated between the tastes, if there were tastes to us all. Surprisingly and for fear of sounding ever-so-slightly racist, my Malay roommates were left alone, so much so that when I had awoken from the pain (yes, literal pain) from the bites in the middle of the night to harass a slumbering roommate – her response was an exasperating ‘Really? There were mosquitoes?’

So… does that mean in a country and area that primarily houses Malays – I as a Chinese gets special treatment? Hmm. Maybe it was the difference in scent. But that cannot be, for I made sure I used whatever soap there was in the common bathroom. Maybe I give our more heat than the rest due to my higher metabolic rate and that therefore marks me as a beacon for those heat-sensing irritations? Or do people of different racial descent taste different to them? This is more possible than the ‘new-blood’ argument, considering I was bunking with three other people who were also visitors.

The reason why I ponder this much about mosquitoes is because goodness knows I react badly to mosquito bites, one bite can easily swell up to one and a half of the diameter of a fifty-cent coin. And God forbid that the bite should be on my face. It will look like a pimple and I cannot touch it. No amount of Oxy will help, the swelling will just have to go down by itself, which will take quite a few days indeed.
But through these two days, I had mastered mind over matter again. Funny, it happens each time I encounter mosquito problems as such which incidentally coincides with my trips to Indonesia.

Once the pain was over it was pretty much fine. It was the fifteen seconds after the bite that is quite unbearable. The itch that you can locate but cannot see; the itch you can locate and can see, then the stage wherein the itch heightens and the part that has been bitten starts swelling stupendously in irregular shapes and freak the hell out of you on top of being both itchy and painful at the same time.

If this is not poison I don’t know what is.


But then, mind over matter works. That or some soap and cold, cold water.

Hmm. Looks like I’ve said quite a bit about something as small as mosquitoes. I suppose I should get some sleep now and probably charge my laptop. The kids here seem to like me a lot, for some reason.

Do I smell nice to them too, that they like me this much?

men and women

i was having lunch today, as per usual, when there was a subtle shift in my perception.

the people i saw suddenly became acutely gendered.

not in the physical oh-i-got-big-boobies sense but rather their faces. the people about me are beautiful, but there is something about them that makes me want to back up a bit. i wonder if i give people that kinda feel.

and suddenly i got scared. i get the feeling that i'm swimming with sharks. me, this minnow, swimming with the fish who seem not to notice that i'm a minnow.

...i'd probably be dead if they did. the probably did, they probably are pretending that they don't notice so i can grow a little bigger so i can do more than just get stuck between their teeth.


the world is a big bad place!

marriage

my two dear friends are getting married! oh how lovely lovely lovely is that!

wow!

the longest day

it's one of those.

fortunately it's only ONE of those. if there were more i'd've killed myself as many times as THOSE times happened.


i was having the most wonderful dreams this morning when my eyes popped open due to biological tuning. needless to say, i closed them right again and spent the next hour swimming between quasi-wakefulness and a light doze, which meant that my delicious dreams were somehow intermitten.

when i finally had no choice but to get up off from bed i had thought it would be a good day today. then i proceeded to brush my teeth and get ready - the usual. everything was fine until i got on the bus, found myself a seat and tried to read my papers.

the papers refused to stay gripped. they were not that heavy though i'll admit that they are a little too wide to handle in a one-seater. the ride went on well, with no weird people sitting beside, in front of, nor behind me. it was alright. then i got off the bus - tapped my card and stepped off the bus, only to leave my slipper behind when my foot touched the ground.

my thong's (the footwear, not the lacy delicate) snapped!


i had to hurry to retrieve it lest the bus doors snap on my hand. it was, upon examination, fixable (thankfully). thus i half-trotted, half-hopped to the nearby coffee stall to get a rubberband. i frequent that place for their yummy toast and ice-blended horlicks and thus am at least familiar with the person running the show. i had therefore asked for a rubberband.

upon hearing my cheerful request and brief explanation, the chap gave me a sidelong look then ambled to retrieve one red rubberband for me, then proceeded to ask me for ten cents.


i looked at him in amused disbelief and, taking it as a joke, laughed and hopped to a seat and began to fix my slipper. once done i tested it and thanked the rather-curious shop-keeper whom i had gotten the thong-saver from. he then asked for ten cents again, then when i goofily stuck out my arm and told him, 'pluck it yourself' in chinese (ten cents sounds like '1 hair' in Chinese) he sauntered off elsewhere, mumbling to himself.

it was not until five happy self-congratulating five meters later that i realised i might just have mistaken that dry tone for something more humourous......


ho boy did i walk faster! i mean, ten cents wasn't much and i would've given it gladly but THAT was just embarrassing!






..and so i brisk-walked to my students' place and art class took place. the kids were up but we started late as usual for they took their time with their breakfast and by the time we started we were forty minutes behind time. it didn't help that the youngest had to sluuuuuurp her milo as loudly as a polite Japanese man would to praise an able cook.

she was, thankfully, cute. it helped with tolerating her for half a nanosecond more.


then i smacked her.

and lest you think i'm a bully, it was a literal slap on the wrist followed by gentle admonition.


the kids took more time than was needed to draw today, for some reason and by the time they were near done two hours had passed which left us all only one hour to paint, which sure as plums are diahorrhea-causing will not be enough to complete the paintings. and throughout the struggle it had to rain... the aircon was on, the rain was there, i had been ill, hadn't very much sleep and had to contend with these little rascals........

the final straw for that lesson was when one of them tried to be smart with me.


needless to say, i left that place (nearly an hour) later when i've scheduled to meet someone an hour after my planned lesson-end time.

it did not help at all, that the rain was still coming down onto the pavement in a suicidal fashion; nothing like the whimsical-hesitant-frivolous kind of rain that we get sometimes. having gotten my paycheck for that month for these, i was able to take a quick ride down to the meeting-place without getting too wet. i was not late, which was good.


what wasn't was that the bloke had asked to meet up after nearly a year and a half so i could meet HIS friend - it would be so much more interesting if he were gay - so i may have the chance to be 'introduced' to 'health products' and 'make money' at the same time.

(that's right. mlm. KILL ME SOMEBODY!)


so The Friend spent two hours talking to me, introducing to me the various perks and products i have heard of (just another brand) and the kind of money i can make and the places i can go to, the kind of bonding that is the culture -

it wasn't easy to appear to listen when your head hurts and your eyes feel like someone's squeezed some lemon juice into it and the weather is just so nice and cooling..... i prayed for a chance to get out of the place.

and He, my dear, sweet God, answered!


a customer from two centuries back called and i had to disrupt The Friend's speech and presentation with suitable apologies. to handle the call.

...but if He had answered my prayers then i had foolishly let it slip through my fingers. i had not harboured thoughts of citing that call as an excuse to bail. i harboured thoughts of that only after two minutes of sitting down, which was already too late for me to say 'hey, stop, i've to go back to the office...' (yes i kicked myself for that, only later)


thankfully though, He had noted this foolish mistake of mine and i received ANOTHER call from a different customer! never in my life was i so happy to hear an unfamiliar voice that mispronounces my name as 'lawrence' in a disgruntled manner.

this time, i took that chance. thanking The Friend for his efforts and time and THAT Friend for wanting to share, i fled.


if any one of you were to think i were an ingrate for spurning those two's efforts - trust me i feel bad about it. they may have done it for money, they may have done it 'to spread the goodwill' but if i were to be in their shoes i would appreciate the courtesy to listen. it IS hard to do sales, i fully appreciate that.


...but i kicked myself for not taking the first chance to run anyway.


once in the office things were alright; the customer left happy (until monday comes, anyway) and i was able to get a semblance of a peace of mind for a while. then i headed down to town in the late afternoon, to look for a particular book i had been lusting after since this morning.

so i spent more hours than necessary in that bookstore commonly known as borders - the sky darkened without my noticing and my hunger tugged at my unresponsive being - until nine-odd, when i finally eliminated enough books for me to pay without breaking the bank. i have the squinty-eyed latina thing going on for me by that time. still i managed to totter my way to the bistro behind the said bookstore and had dinner. juice and spaghetti, who would've thought they tasted so good?

i'll wake up to regret this in the morning, i know, but now's not morning and morning can wait.


once satisfied i started walking towards my bus station - and, beat this - when i was waiting for the man to turn green a chinese national (male) crossed the street and asked if i may spare him some money to eat. then, upon my handing over a ten, asked if he may have more, so he may put up somewhere.

he even asked my name and my number so he can return me the money. i'd provided him my name and a fake number - which is just as well for i noticed that he only took his mobile phone out when i prompted him to (why ask for phone numbers when you can't remember it?) and hadn't even copied my entire string of eight numbers, much less save it.


make no mistake, this fella hand-carries a leather (faux or otherwise i do not know) case and looks like your everyday exec on a friday evening. the only thing giving his origins away is his accent.

i mean, do i have 'loaded; ask for money here' scrawled across my forehead? i was in torn jeans and zipped-up cardigan with a beaten-up canvas slingbag WITH a bag of books and he asks if i may spare him monies for food AND lodging??

but then again, it was only ten bucks. if he had asked for it and didn't dare save my number he probably needs it more than i do.


and so i continue on my way to the bus station, and took that bus home.



what a day it's been, this! it's another day in this urban jungle. who says you don't have to fight for survival here? i know i have to, and i know others have to, too. what makes a difference is graciousness; in speech and in actions. i'm glad i did not put too many people on the defensive today. and yes, i have lived this day, quite to the fullest.

what about you, though?

flatmate.

i got a new flatmate
i saw him when i was sick, yesterday

then i didn't see him today
probably not again tomorrow

maybe never ever
until i move away

but who cares
i don't know him anyway

random

men are like that, you know. they're the weirdest things on earth. then again, i don't know women very well, neither. the entire race confounds me. they say one thing to mean another. it's either that or they mean it.

then there's this thing about expressing oneself. i mean, is it necessary? what does it matter, if one didn't speak, nor write, nor drew, nor...?


heh. i don't understand. then again, maybe i do.

writing about nothing at all

i try to write but nothing comes out
i try and try and leaves start to sprout
i wave them away in ridicule
but they entangle me in the slow-mo duel

two thousand years passed and still i write
around me little beings lived and died
i watched them grow i watched them fight
i even watched them discover light

then i knew what i'd to pen
why hadn't i thought of it then
it's this frenzy this lust for strife
this poison that accompanies life

but then i noticed that if i moved
their houses would fall and they'd be food
for nature's creatures; ants to - something tall
and i'd be writing about nothing at all

on loneliness

there's no such thing.

if you're lonely then you either don't know loneliness or you got a life. i'd say i have both.


thankfully! :) more emotionally independent than anything, aye? but i understand what you're getting at. it's tough sometimes, i suppose. i know how it is to miss someone, to miss being with someone.

but what does that solve? it's another useless emotion. i'd mastered my anger, i'm mastering my pride.



surely you can master loneliness. i trust in you, sweet being.

i love you, still. be good, now.

storyteller

aye, that be me.

blogs are read and conclusions are made. sometimes... though sometimes it is nice to indulge in a little fantasy about someone else, that maybe what that person has written or said means that person lives or thinks this way.

satisfies the sleuth in us all, doesn't it. heh.


priding oneself on being a 'quick judge' or simply afraid to ask? i know someone who isn't like that. -grin-

but who cares, anyway? i'm spinning my tale like that fella in the movie titled 'big fish'.


and it makes things more interesting.

dear john

it is not often that i say this, i've only said it once, to someone else, albeit differently.

i know it's wrong and nowhere near right but i like you a lot and it adds to my plight. you're taken and taken, many times over; still i want you as my lover. this sounds like poetry i know very well, but the words flow on as you can tell.

i've been through this and it was messy, took more than four years for me to bury. you've a daughter and a wife i've met and seen; i understand and i don't want to be queen.

you said we aren't to see each other as often as [something]. i agree; but here's the link.

i love your company; you like mine too. but i don't want her to worry about 'Number Two'. i'll move soon, this i know well. here though are thoughts from me to you.

be loved by me, and love in return. heartfelt (or not) doesn't matter, i've learnt.


i want you for you and you want me for me; works well for us doesn't it, sweetie?

we're taking this chance and then the chance is over. meet me this week on thursday; seven. i'll be there at the tombstone fountain.

test, test.

i had whiled away a perfectly idlesome saturday evening clicking on buttons for personality quizzes, and there was this one particular test titled 'is he the one for you'.

the first question was as such:
The first time you met him, how did he act?
• It was so obvious that he was staring at you.
• He just said "hi".
• He was about to smile at you but you had already given him a big smile

hmm. (click)


Number Two:
When you meet him socially, he __________
• says "How are you?" or crack a joke.
• seems a little uptight.
• doesn't look at you or sometimes pretends that he isn't when you catch him.

mm - (click)


Number Three:
When you call him, he __________
• does all the talking. If you don't stop, neither does he.
• says "Hi! How are you? I'm glad you called."
• says "What's up? Nothing much? Well, I have to get back to work.


hum. tricky. (click)


and so it goes on, until number 7, in which it asks:

When you get sick, he __________
• asks your best friend about how you are doing.
• calls and says "I really hope you get well soon."
• says "Oh, there's something going around. A lot of people are getting it.


oh golly. what if the answer's the kind that doesn't fall within these three choices? hmmmmmmm isn't that tough now. (click)





and again on it goes to the end, with me thinking to myself, bemused: "this won't look good."

and true enough, it doesn't. what is there is really like a glass of water. plain as plain gets but noticably - mm, 'more'? i don't know how to explain it.

i almost laughed at my last thought: this is Da Game, in which no one knows whether the other is being interested or merely politely interested. this is Da Game that gives my straight-talking cousin the pleasurable chills.


chuckling to myself, this is ridiculous. Da Game? i had never been interested in games before, much less ones with capital letters helming them.

But that's not to say i am helpless at them when i find myself in The Arena. i'm not saying i'm great at it; i mean it more in the 'competent swimmer who prefers walking' manner. but then, games tend to be better with more people, like two.

while i understand why my cousin loves Da Game i secretly suspect he is slightly masochistic to want to be suspended in the 'want-don't-want' stage.


i like it like this, in this stage because it doesn't matter whether it's a 'want' or 'don't want'. i'm not looking for it to happen.

i want to love, for all its pleasure and smiles and highs but at the same time i don't want to love because men are such capricious creatures.



(then again so are women, even more pronounced with our PMS - 'perpetual menstrual syndrome', as some men put it. so. what gives?)

citing troubles

i have personally found it affronting to not be called wrong when i spelt 'warranty' as 'warrantee'.

i mean, hello, 'guarantee'?


obviously someone before me made the spelling mistake and I'M paying for it.

i'm sure that if the presumptious blunder hadn't been made when dictionaries were invented the word would have been spelt like i spell it.

'warrantee'.




even the great writers used The Other Spelling. bah. sheep, the whole bunch of them. they should have met me earlier, so i could correct that embarrasing confusion.

but too late and too bad for them, i am born only two decades back. you people now have the unbelievable honour and magnificent luck to have me in your midst, to tell you about this undiscovered mistake.


have no fear, adoring fans; even if the world trembles when i speak, i will not forsake you, the whos that are in my original list of mail.



LX



(ye gods. that was just a trial run of how i be were i an ignorant, audacious, stiff-upper-lipped snoot. while i
-shudder- kinda like it, it somehow feels like what should be on stage for a stand-up.

hum.)

the person so delicious

ooh yes.

i've found that person that makes the breath quicken and the blood run a blue mile; and bejesus i had found the one who is so fantastically... so fantastically... energetic!

what luck!

the mouth that refuses to speak

yes i have been that for some time at work. shied away from the phone, shied away from people, hid in my corner and laid low.

but today, it's been good. started last night, when i started to speak again. realised people don't change, i do. and if they aren't going to change i'm not going to bother.

yay to me!

cleanliness of mind

dear all.

if you know where to buy a bottle of originality, do let me know. i know a friend who is in dire need of it.

if you know where to get a slap of humour, let me know; i know a few who deserve it.

if you know where to find peace of mind canned, let me know, i need a bathtub-ful of it.

and lastly, if you know where to find a piece of bad luck, let me know; i know who i will throw it at.

what's going on!

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
ooh, ooh ooh
and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

sometimes when you thought...

sometimes when you thought love was in da house you found out it had gone out da window.

sometimes when you thought the past had been run over by the wheels of time it's walking through the door in the same black tee and bermudas with AN INVITATION in hand.

sometimes when you thought luck was on your side you found out all you got was her backside.

sometimes when you thought you couldn't care less you cried.

sometimes when you thought people leave so they can return you realise it is really a one-way road despite the U-turn signs.

sometimes when you are going through shit you feel safer, because you know you just have to stick it through and you'll live to see another day.

you also realise that sometimes it takes good times to see someone's true colours, not just bad times.

sometimes you don't realise how the song that goes 'don't you make my brown eyes blue' means so many different things on so many different levels.

sometimes if you complained that 'money's tough to earn' - you'd better not be talking to an mp3 pirate.

sometimes when you needed to talk to someone the best you can do is a cactus sitting on the window sill:




"...whomever murphy was, he is dead right.

"...whomever murphy was, i wish he were alive so i can
kill him."




and the cactus doesn't spoil his cool.

you're beautiful

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

rejuvenation each day

so tired these days. physically. spiritually sound and mentally well-adjusted.

thank heavens for this regenerative ability!

the feeling

you know how sometimes when shit happens it's always your fault, even when it's not?

you know how you've become so accustomed to being wrong the first reaction is to apologise when someone accuses you of being wrong?

do you?


do you know the feeling when someone you trusts and admire at work, whom you thought supported you - he isn't standing on your side when shit hits the fan? even he is assuming you're at fault, too?

do you know the feeling?

hair

i wait for my hair to grow.

it's short and it's frizzed. i want it to grow quick. quick quick quick!

macs

My mac fell with as much force as I did when I'd managed to keel over earlier this evening. (I'd tripped lah)

While granted that my dear iBuk in its own protective wrapping and I'm in mine, I had suffered scraped knees and bruised dignity while the mac's merrily working as I type this email, still.

You may say that 'hey it's a thick covering your laptop's got' but I beg to differ.

While I don't encourage the trip test (read: tripping while holding the laptop and have it sail a short arc through the air with you watching in horror as you hit the ground) - or any drop tests for that matter - I am proud to say that my baybeee macintoshie survived!

It might be a little grubby where my wrists lay but it's a hardly lil piece.

And who says apples suck? It's them pcs that do, instability an' all! Now who's yer mac daddy???


(here's hoping my pretty monitor won't come off when I lift it for work come Monday...)

ever felt the fever?

have you ever felt the fever? ever felt the heat?

ever heard the words leave someone's mouth that doesn't matter but matters? like the words from your boss's mouth?


you want to do your best. it makes you feel good. doesn't it?

..doesn't it?

monday.

sometimes when it ain't yer fault it is yer fault.

sometimes when it ain't yer business it is yer business.

shit happened, the team that's to cover the damn thing gets it. but he understands. but he screamed anyway. what he was trying to acheive, i've no idea.


i pray that tomorrow will be a better day.

sometimes

sometimes you just don't know what to do.

it's tough i suppose. you truly don't know how the hells to go on with life. even when people tell you you're alrighty.


i'm getting depressed right now, i don't quite get why. just a general feeling of coldness and unease. somehow, somehow. i'm willing to bet it's hunger.

that or it's me listening to the song titled 'sing along' by dave matthews. that's a song i heard and listened to during those cliched nights after the lagi more cliched heartbroken nights, when i was feeling a little lost as to what i'm going to do with my life and suchlike.

if i sing along will you sing along/
if i sing along does it mean i'm along/
if i sing along does it mean i'm along/
or will you see me as insecure/
as anybody else/


..headed to a date later, with someone whom my colleague said looks like a bollywood star (he's northern indian).

it doesn't matter what he looks like, because i can't tell whether he's good-looking or not. doesn't matter, this.


but he IS the equivalent of tall darke and handsome. what can i say? a date is a date is a date. here's hoping i won't need to stay up and out.

guesses

things people do, things people say. prophesies and suchlike, i'm part of the plan.

but what role do i play, and what am i here to acheive?

am i here to teach gentleness and bring joy? maybe. who knows? i might dream up an answer tonight.

that ass

that ass's so distracting!

omigosh.

geek i am!

it's proven. i'm a geek.

unpolished

unpolished, i am.

i'll have to watch out. quietitude is the best attitude to take.


watch and learn, young grasshopper.

the skin

yes, the skin is a wonderful thing indeed.


i hate to be touched but love it at the same time.

just please, please do not tap me. hate it. abso-kabloot-ly.

speedy boy

my hamster enchants me so. and i figured that it's quite smart. cute lil thing, you!

astrology

happened to read my horoscopes these few days and it looks like romance is looking for me. -chuckle-

maybe romance, but also maybe just fun times. it keeps telling me that romance is coming my way. other than the single bloke at work, where the hells is it? well, alright, there is the other obscure man who thinks i'm the one for him. then again, who knows whomever else's skirt he's chasing?

sweet, but a stranger. craziness. lemme show him my new hairstyle and maybe he'll back off. -laugh-


here's hoping the career takes off. it'd better, this company's my love!

oh, is it showing?

so i don't quite like men as a general rule. but it's truly funny how some of them make me so happy, just by being there and being their charming selves.

i suppose it's only when they start saying things like they really like me or see a future with me that i start freaking out. thankfully i don't have many of those hanging around. enough to keep the ego afloat but just enough so i don't have to consider changing my number.

but then, what's so special about my case? i don't know. maybe it's because who i deal with are older men rather than youthful plankheads who hardly know the world? because i'm merely 22? because...?

who cares, really? i like oldies, i love jazz, am in love with good ole port, white wine, prefer chilling out rather than making conversation..


you're right, i do sound like an old woman. maybe that's why i'm in love with older men.

driving

ooh i love the feel of it! so exciting!

now to get a rich boyfriend...

humour

when you don't know what to do, laugh.

it's true.

YARGH another one!

mark called to say he's back! what in the world's happening?!

alien contact

wah piang eh sam made contact on the same day.

scary. came with his wifey and her best friend all the way from the states. here's hoping this is the last of it all.


with God's grace, amen.

the ring

i'd received a message from someone i thought i'd never hear from ever again.

but there it is, that message. i'd experienced that nearly-forgotten jolt of fear when i saw his number.


but well. looks like we're set to play a game this saturday. great! i'd missed people.

fortune teller

a fortune teller told me once, that i would be in love with a man who's not good for me.

i'd love that man like he were my life and i would do anything for him. she said, though, we would break up. she also mentioned that there was another girl overseas, and she would return to singapore and i would one day see her.

i would get insanely jealous when i do see her and in the end, he and i would break up. there's a very good chance, she said, that i would kill myself when that happened. we would be together for exactly a year and that'd be the end of it.

needless to say, i was very upset when i heard that but the boyfriend i had back then wasn't the one she was talking about.

it was simony.

the good news she had for me at the end though, was that i would meet another, much better than that one, and we would be happy.


my words of bravado to her back then were: alright, so let it happen. get it over and done with and then let's go on to the good stuff.

what she didn't know was that i had asked my mother to help get some things for me and spent that time in bed. i cried like i were a violin string strung too tight - i had howl-shrieked my pain and - for the lack of a less melodramatic word - anguish like i were about to break.

thankfully i get over things as such quick: i was done by the time my mother returned later that day. i moped a little but nothing as intense as that kinda expression.


..now that simony's over (phew) - here's looking forward at the future. i'm not looking for love, at love, suchlike.

i'm just not looking. i get followed about by random acquaintances as usual, but i pay them no heed. i get invitations to be f* buddies but i'm not that interested - i choose my f* buddies, they don't choose me. emotional needs satisfied because there aren't any, physical needs satisfied by my paramours and most importantly, my Lord satisfies my spiritual needs.

what more do i ask for? :) i'm living the perfect life! amen to that!

happiness

happiness comes when you don't expect it.

expectations, that's what i'm talking about. don't expect, and you get it.


but if you expect quality, you tend to get it. and when you get quality, you are happy. chicken and egg?

yes.

callow? me?

Those who in later years did me harm I describe as I knew them then, and I beg any reader to remember that, although I was hardly callow, I was not yet wise in the ways of the world.
--Iain Pear


aye, and we all learn. you had your turn, now's mine.

in love

in love with this unattainable man.

i think i'm destined to be the mistress. men. ha.


women: double ha.

and i miss you..

when i have a moment to myself, i wonder how you are babes.


how's jasmine doing with her job? she having a great time like i am?

how's su doing with her messed-up life? anymore taiwanese drama-serial-worthy happenings? is she alright?

how's jenn, is she coping alrighty without macho?


and i miss me, too. how am i? am i happy? content? pleased with work but what about friends?

i realise i'm quite the recluse these days. wishing for a friend to sit at a pub with, without a thing to say. no need for words, just good music.

come, you. we hardly have anything to say to each other. but we are ok with silence, which is cool. let's hit the pub, you and i. esplanade, like always? this weekend, if possible!

i thought i knew this!

i thought i knew that the business world is an evil and dangerous place, almost like the mafia.

what i didn't know: it really IS like the mafia.


i thought i knew men: i don't.

i thought i was smart: i didn't realise there's this much i don't know.

i thought i was good in english - until i'd sent an email saying 'gracefully accepted' in response to an apology.

i thought life's simple: it is. just that i hadn't noticed the extra kinks in the works until now.

i thought old people are gullible. i was dead wrong: the older they are the more careful you'd better be. you may be smart but they've experience. you may run fast but their reach is long. either way, you die.

i thought courtesy's a given: those who taught me that lied.

i thought there were no good men: wrong. there's a good man when the price is right. (mind out of gutter!)

i thought it's impossible to be nasty and polite at the same time: dead wrong.


so many things i thought i knew but heck! new things, new things, what excitement this is! and somehow, this makes me a great deal happier knowing that my friends are my friends are my friends and i probably won't have to deal with them in business.

i'm thankful to see another facet of the world; the 'gamer' side of people, the 'businessman' side of people, the 'goofball' side, the 'family' side, 'the other woman' side etc etc etc. i'm going in a wide-eyed greenie and am loving every moment of this growing.

the knocks and praises, all. and i'm very, very thankful to have this job.

the return

people go so they can return.

like how people learn so they can question.


it's all going to be alright little baby, it's going to be fine.

besides, we wagered on some things, didn't we? -grin- i'm sure i'll win on those.

time passes

and time passes.

it's good, i suppose. no need to think about anything else. a form of productive escapism i suppose.

i dreamt of you last night

hooo boy i most definitely did. :)

-chuckle-

definitions

if 'mysogynist' means woman-hater what's the word for man-hater?

if starfish were to regrow after they're being cut-up do the cut-up bits start from age 0 again?

what about earthworms?



if gravity were to help in causing wrinkles will sleeping with your head tilted backward help in reversing the process?

the price

the price of heading off to cheong then working the next day is health.

down with flu and cough and lost my voice. nightmare of the moment is having kids at my place tearing up my prized paintings and books and i can't even scream at them.

consolation of the moment though: i have a big stick.

conversations.

i wonder if people will say things like 'oh i've had a nice 80 years of life' after they're dead or enthuse about their 'fantastically crazy' twenty.

maybe they all sit and talk, amongst themselves, over a cuppatea, saying 'yea well, you seem to have a terribly exciting way to come - i had never been chased down by a monster that lurks just outside of your sight in the last train before - '


maybe the rest'll all nod in agreement, murmurring 'what bullshit.'

maybe there'll be one who says 'wow, and the train shuts its lights off carriage by carriage!'


me? i'll probably be the one who slurps her cuppa and listens to the life experiences of others while planning the naughtiness for the next life to happen, if there is one.

the life

hmm. went after work to get to a club.

needed that, to get the latent stress outta me. drank, drank and drank some more. and danced. all thanks to a certain mark. a beat presser also came along to club.

but well. what else, eh? it was rather fun, small talk over big music, can't hear shit and have to shout or resort to light instead of sound for communication.

gotta work tomorrow and here i am, typing this at three am. hum. i think i'm done, now. prolly would have to sleep with me eyes open tomorrow.

bah. one night lived is a night earned, one day worked is one day saved.

and i get sian.

heh.

and i get sian of this flirtation. jadedness? maybe.

drive? definitely. career. i'll build it up. let's all flirt later.


besides. money talks.

love? 'kao bian zhan'.

mmm i see him again

oh yes. right there. hovering right by me.

another girl's apparently attracted to him as well, only she's more open. i'm like 'tea', they said, pleasantly subtle.


how sweet, that. but well. work, work.

do not lay where you get yer pay.

about thine manhood

puh-lease.

eddie

i miss you eddie.

i know you can't read this because you don't know this site exists. i miss you. you may be the automated thought when my thoughts are turned towards simony, but

i suppose i do miss you, for you. not for anyone else.


not meaning to say anything nasty about anyone else's size, technique, stamina and manners: you're the best lover ever.

and it's your embrace i miss. i hear the song that goes '..you and i - collide' and i think of simony and i miss you. replacement? you're a very successful one.

someone had mentioned if he could have his ex-es write testimonials about his performance he'd have stacks of paper. i'm thinking he'd have stacks of paper to hide.

if i were to write anything for anyone, however, i'd write this for you: Eros reincarnated. and i'm kinda glad i'd lost someone to have known a sex god.


miss you dear. be good, now. you'd been naughty, but then that's my fault. :)

be good now.

malayed words.

life?

so weird, so weird.


not wanting to fall in love but still falling in love. here's hoping it's lust but how is it lust when we share electrifying smiles and are hardly doing anything too open.

i guess i'd played my mind game and had gotten my answer. :)

yes, it's The Game. READY, LIGHTS, ACTION!

the sweet high of flirtation

mmm it's delicious, isn't it, to find someone to flirt with.

this one's got the thrill to him. a little like simony when we started out: the unspoken something we share when our eyes meet. somehow, just somehow, we can't help but smile when we see each other's about.

too bad he's my superior. heh, damn CEO at that.


keep clear, aye.

happy.

yes, am happy at last.

it doesn't have to come from love of someone. :)


and i shall never, never get married. yes!

never ever

i'm never going to get married.

with men like that, nooo sirree. they're either unaffectionate - or when they are they can't keep their hands to themselves. bah.


no marriage for me.

sick of men

why do they ask me to be f* buddies?

screw yerselves, you hear?!

the wake

i'd gone to the wake.

it reminds me of Dream's wake, only less magnificent and breath-taking. it's full of mortals instead of magic beings with wings and godlike powers. almost like staring at ants making their rounds about the coffin, instead of something else.

maybe that's me trying to avoid the fact that i'm at a funeral.


cried nonetheless. was aiming for minimal tears. felt like i succeeded. first wake ever, don't understand how it goes. when an elder dies it seems that elder transcends into godhood. maybe that's why the older and richer chinese have ancestrial rooms where all the tablets are.

whatever it is.

grandaunt, if you can suddenly understand english and access the net on top of having the intuition to find my blogsite: zou hao. i may not have known you very well, but you have been kind. thank you for none of the nastiness when others look at me in degrading light. thank you for loving my father even if he's the enfant terrible of his generation. may the Lord send His angels to guide your way.

you may not belong to him but i had prayed for your safe journey, He will ensure it. because He's that kinda God.

death and migration

so what's the difference between death and migration?

you tend to forget the people who migrate, while you remember those who died.


at least i do. going to the wake tomorrow.

pointless questions

please don't tease me, i dislike it.

don't start conversations with 'where are you' and 'who are you with' - there are so many other questions that get the same answer, and so much more pleasant; i'd hate to have another mother/father who desires to know where i am, who i'm with etc etc wtf.

please also do not ask me 'do you know who i am' - it gets my hackles up and i really really would say nasty things, especially if you are being coy with me over sms. you either tell me or you don't tell me. please don't have me guess.

i won't care to know who you are if you're asking me that question, especially if you had just gotten yourself a funky new number, or, better yet, 'privatised' your number. i'll be sorry once i find out who you are but it won't be before i tell you to stick your face where bobbafat's sun won't shine.


acquaintances who ask me 'how old do you think i am' in response to my asking 'how old are you' make me laugh and shake my head: that's vanity and i know it. worse, it might well be insecurity.

and before you even ask me, yes it shows.


i'm sorry if i sound harsh when you tease, if you tease. but should you tease, that's how i will respond. it's like tickling a person who doesn't like to be tickled: you get hit.

wen should know.


but seriously. please don't tease me. especially if you're close. you're deliberately doing something that i do not enjoy. i won't be able to find it in myself to do anything to you but i won't enjoy not doing so neither.

but before you mistake me for being humourless, there is a distinct difference between good-natured joking and ill-mannered teasing. the former has both parties laughing it off while the latter may not be funny. it's not that i don't have a sense of humour; it's that our humour styles may not match.


and if i were to have done anything to piss you off, speak up. especially if you are close. shying away from so-called confrontation only to bear a grudge is quite silly. i've lost friends like that.

but truth be told, if i can lose someone like that it's no loss of mine. i speak up when i think something's not right and i do expect the same. tell me if i'd offended you so i know what it is exactly that i'd said that hurt you. harbouring resentment is just like storing cellulite: ugly.

it does nobody good; the one carrying the cellulite feels like a fruit while the people who see the cellulite get optical-burn.

speaking up is preferrable for sometimes i don't mean it that way and i probably wasn't referring to 'you'.

if i were, i'm sure you would know. and if my words were indeed more inclined to be read another way i would explain myself, and apologise, too, for the unnecessary angst i'd caused, if any. that's assuming my easily-misread words were brought to my attention, of course.

..as for the audacity to say that if i lost someone due to one side's not speaking up that in turn led to the drift-apart: speaking up more often than not requires effort. because it will need time and sometimes comes along with anxiety in broaching the subject followed by the possibly-explosive discussion that may follow, assuming thoughts of being seen as 'trouble-seeking', 'angsty', 'confrontational' or even 'immature' has never crossed your mind before you even start.


for friends who speak up, kudos and my personal thanks to you; you have my respect since the day we traded meaningful words. i recognise that you are brave and you value and respect me as much as i value and respect you. i'm glad to have you in my life, i'm glad we both know that fights only mean that we know more about each other.

for friends who didn't, i hope those matters are small and are forgotten. i probably wouldn't have noticed if i hadn't said anything about it. i would ask if anything's wrong if i sense something's not quite right. if i didn't, i might've missed it altogether. similarly, i would let the topic go if i were to ask and you were to tell me it doesn't matter.

i would of course, ask further if you were to tell me 'it's alright' only to throw funky tantrums at me. i would naturally try not bear the brunt of the 'mood', especially if you tell me 'it's okay' or 'i'm alright' or 'nothing's wrong'.

if you're 'fine' and you're behaving that way then you're just hard to be with. in which case i'd be most glad to walk my self somewhere else and enjoy the scenery there. there's hardly anyone forcing anyone else to spend time together, is there?


...if i did miss my being abrasive/insensitive/whatnot entirely and it's making you feel like the friendship's not worth your while, tell me what's wrong. at least give me a chance at understanding what's going on and maybe try to clear the misunderstanding, if any. i think if you can sincerely call me 'friend' as i can similarly hail you as such, we both deserve that crucial discussion to clear the air.

i'd hate to lose people i'd been through life's lessons with because of misunderstandings.

but if it hasn't mattered to you to start with, by all means, leave the matter be. i'd much rather spend my time and efforts on those who i care about and who reciprocate it. i don't presume to try to crack a nut that doesn't want to be cracked.

like someone said, 'you can only make yourself as lovable as you can be, whether the other chooses to love you is their decision to make'. similarly, i can only offer to be there for you. whether or not you will have my presence about really depends on you.

i'm sorry i'm bad at keeping in touch. i don't call people. not because i don't think of you but because there's the damn email that doesn't cost a thing. i'm also sorry about being bad at remembering birthdays. i feel bad forgetting as well. if i had forgotten yours, i'm sorry. but that's what birthday reminders.com is for, no?

of all the people i know, i only know 6 peoples' birthdays by heart. 2 because they share the same birthday and it happens to fall on sept 11; one because it's on 15th april, one because it's 2 days before mine and another because it's one day after. the last one belongs to my most-recent ex: his birthday's on the 30th march.

but seriously.. i try to remember, yes, but most of the time i only remember the rough date (read: month) which i'm pretty good at. having said that, i thoroughly won't mean it if i were to forget your birthday, i would plan cakes and presents if i were to, or at least send a birthday card or give you a call. suffice to say, there would be indication that i remember.

if i were to blithely forget, please forgive me, i don't mean to. thus, it is almost always a good idea to gently remind me that you're birthday is around the corner.

i'll be sure to bring you something. :) with that, i end my rather awkward piece that i would otherwise polish if it were a holier time than now.

perfume

i wonder, do all girls smell nice?

why do men like to tell me i smell nice? it's not like i spray perfume on me. i use shampoo like everybody else. and macam you can smell just by standing right beside me lor. if jasmine were to read this she's say she'd faint from the bo, wherever that came from.


is it a line men use, because they can't say 'you're good-looking' or 'you're [this]' or 'you're [that]'?

nothing else to say arh? 'you smell nice'.



geebus.

the gifts.

as i found out, the first gift came from a friend whom i hadn't heard from for quite some time.

he was the one to invite me to write a script for a play for him. he had just graduated from theatre school - and i'm one of those he had invited to write. suitably, i had gone through some of life's little dramas of friendship, love, and self-seclusion due to societal fatigue. it was timely, that call to meet and discuss the script, and in that was a gift.

it gave me a direction again, like an arrow from nowhere to point me that-a-way after i'd been tramping in the mud in the metaphorical moonless night. and there it is. i realise now that all that 'turmoil' is to prepare me for something. to come to a conclusion by myself, maybe, or maybe this is to allow me to reach out to people, who might be in need of this bit of advice or experience.

maybe.. this 'turmoil' is for someone i don't know. like i'd told a certain someone back then, 'why don't you write something? maybe you'll save someone.'

'maybe you'll save me.'


maybe, just maybe, this is my turn to help someone else out.

and nope, that person isn't the one i was supposed to meet.


the second gift came from the one i was supposed to meet... he saw me and promptly pulled out a tee-shirt that says 'university of terrorism [new line]fort benning, georgia'. it was for paintball sessions.

and since i know for a fact that he's going to pass me something, i realised that i was rather anxious about what it might be only after he handed me that shirt. seriously, there was a sigh of relief. (bet you didn't realise gifts can be so exciting!)

but i knew there had to be something else. something more significant. don't ask me how i knew i just did. and the shirt's not it.


guess it was to relax me lah hahaha! whomever said God doesn't have a sense of humour must've been worshipping the wrong one.

it became apparent only later.. this friend of mine's a follower of the Lord, he's told me about his wife, his job and the prayers that he had gone through to get to this and how he knew it was meant for him. through his narrations i had gotten the answers to the questions i asked my Lord.

yes, i understand. i will be patient. thank you for your guidance Father, i will keep them in mind.



..on another vein altogether, just WHAT is it about me and men who are inadvertently married/about to get married? somehow or other they try to get close. REAL close. and i swear i hadn't given signals. if they were given unconsciously, i can't say much but i swear i hadn't given any conscious signs whatsoever.

am i predestined to be The Other Charbor? aiyerrr. very stress one leh. The Woman Who Got There First is not The Woman To Be Trifled With.

i know, because i am A Woman. :P

picked

it's a wonder how people go to these sites to get their brains picked.

even by going to therapists.


but then i suppose.. sometimes we all need a little external help. :) we all do.

poor green crayon me

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

ho this is rich!

Your Deadly Sins

Gluttony: 80%

Envy: 20%

Greed: 20%

Lust: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 23%

You'll die choking on a cookie in bed.

How Sinful Are You?

wahahahaa! this is fun!

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Me is your soulmate.

You truly love Jen.

You consider Su your true friend.

You know that Me is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Me for the rest of your life.

You secretly think No One Yet is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Weaver is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Mark is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Mark Wang changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Mum is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Mum has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

ooh check this out, now.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

what is your name, give me a sign. tell me that you're a gemini (ooh baybee)

'A friend is about to prove just how valuable -- no, how priceless -- they are. Without you having to ask, they'll provide you with the one thing you really, really need.'

that's what my horoscope reads today.


i'm meeting up with a friend of mine who doesn't usually asks for meet-ups. and by the looks of things he is going to be passing me something. i'm pretty sure of it...

(come on. what're the chances of someone leaving the country for good - that is, to marry - and asking you for dinner suddenly and it's just the two of you and when he says 'it won't take long' - ? other than the suggestion for dubious acts, i'm pretty sure he's got something to hand to me. i just don't know what)

but if it's anything it'll be food. :D he's buying dinner. hawhawhaw


..but what if he's giving me a book on social etiquette or 'how to save money' or even condoms??? or if he presumes to give me cosmetics... i'd rather die. or, maybe, a book titled 'ethics'.

horrors! now i'll have TWO books on ethics.

lack of social grace

i am lacking in social graces. therefore i tend to be quiet.

but does keeping my peace mean i'm less gracious, or do not think the way i'll speak?



and i play the charming recluse, once again.

and what's a charming recluse, you may ask. well: i'll be charming if you can find me.

please don't...

please don't tell me i'm beautiful; i look into the mirror everyday and i know what i see.

please don't tell me i'm sexy, it makes me very uncomfortable in that mini. just tell me i'm pretty, and i'll say thanks.

please don't take me to parties, i know i can hold my own but i have my own parties to go to. especially if i'm not 'legitimate'. 'yet' is a non-issue. i'm not legit. give it up. vengeful women aren't fun. i know: i'm one.

please don't call me to ask me what i'm doing, you're not supposed to be thinking of me. out of sight, out of mind. see?

please don't feel the need to talk or make conversation when you have nothing to say. the silence can be beautiful and talk can be cheap.

please don't try too hard to impress: everybody appreciates subtlety. trust me, the feeling of over-compensation is baaad.


please don't fall too deep for me, you might not be able to save yourself and i can be cruel.

please don't tell me you love me, i'm not ready, and i don't love you.

monies

hate it when it's low. wish i were the mollycoddled child of some hotel mogul.

bah.


headed for interview tomorrow. hope this works.

fly me to the moon

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me
Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you

fwah

even blogs aren't safe!

whatever i write i can be sued! aaaa


so scary.

eating dinner alone today

and so i ate dinner alone.

doesn't feel bad, doesn't feel good. makes things functional.


hehh.

extrication

i suppose i had never really fit into the scheme of things. fashion and pretty bags? mm.

real talk, the meaningful kind? only if there's a similarity in wavelength.


someone said, there's no real need for understanding; does it matter if we have a great time?

yes, it does, to a certain extent. i don't know about what you value but i can get 'a good time' with pretty much strangers. it's the understanding that's hard to come by, don't you think?

why do i need to play musical chairs with my group of four? to avoid sitting right beside someone who i know will rub me wrong and me doing likewise to her? better to save the chagrin.


why, when we're seated altogether i don't get asked for 'that rouge event' when the other two did, amongst other things, like being called 'a china girl' which she associated with rudeness, which she 'doesn't like'? a 'nationalist' speaking, or is she simply retaliating to my flippantly calling her an ah lian?

laugh it off, for god's sakes! or do i have to polish your toenails for you and lick them in the process?


and i thought we'd grown out of this 'competition', this 'dislike' for each other. heh. i thought we understood that we insult each other tongue-in-cheek, especially after graduation.


apparently not. insult me, i'm used to that. but attitude..? i'll pass, thanks.

if we were to be fighting the entire journey from then till now, what're there to it at the very bottom?

even when you're supposedly pampering me when i've 'nothing to eat' you somehow seem to expect more than a heartfelt 'thank you'.


what is it that you want? 'oh you're so purty with your nice purple singlet top, marry me'?


if you're going to give me branded chocolate chip cookies and candies with strings attached, keep them. it hasn't happened just once sweetie pie. i don't believe i had said anything wrong (though granted this time i was heavier with the stings, which i'll readily apologise for when you're ready to hear them) - especially if those times what i had said were 'hi' and 'mm you look nice'.

retort: 'is that all you can say?'

wanting to ask why is not allowed, too. so just take it lah? because i took your cookies. wah.


why would i want to tell you more anyway, if i want to keep my thoughts of your figure to myself, princess.

i know you won't like to hear them, however much i assure you i like you more that way. i'm sorry i don't click with you the way another does, i'm sorry that i haven't enough grace to spare to have you 'like me more' - i'm still in essence a rough me, not the polished persons you tend to look for.

...even if i were to be polished - it'd still be the ole familiar 'ho su-skeleton-san' approach as always.

it's the way i've come to know and love you. but sometimes love just ain't enough, eh? for while i understand that, i don't suppose we're of the same view. while i can accept that you tend to get offensive with me, you can't seem to get the same.

laugh it off lah. sitting with you is stressful because you takes things too hard. it's scary sometimes when i'm smiling to myself about your barbs and thinking of comebacks and you seem so worked up. we'd been through this before, haven't we, albeit wordlessly? we had managed to insult each other and not take each other too seriously. have you forgotten those times?

maybe you'd think that i don't like you. you're right. like and love aren't the same. while i love you and would do much for you, i'd hate to spend time with you as of now, and in the future too, if this keeps up. don't ask me how, it just is.




as for the rest... i understand the evening was supposed to be nice. i'm sorry i left and couldn't participate in whatever yak you had. but even if i did stay would i have been able to do so?


better to have one leave and you all have a good time instead of having all together and have a tense evening, no?

i'm glad it worked out in the end. :)

...while i'll still put in an arm and a leg for you, i guess it's time to take a break from it all.

i'm tired of tentatively being myself and then pissing someone off then fighting and having to have jenn be the middle person again.

it makes things easier to minus myself from the equation and put myself elsewhere. saves trouble saves time. you're easier to spend time with in this case. i'm better for 'shut-the-fuck-up-and-watch-the-rain' kinda companionship while you're more worldly 'lim-kopi-talk-about-fashion-and-future' kind. i'm good for break-ups and you're good for living. -grin-

we complement each other, you know that? but maybe like a certain someone i loved we complemented each other so well we can hardly stand each other. heh. heh heh heh.

complementing one another also means we're quite the opposite, doesn't it. just a positive way of saying 'you're different'.


...thank you, jenn, for the pint. i know i flaunted it: huge glass. thanks, too, jas, for being graceful. you people enjoy.

will buy drinks if we meet again.

i didn't realise that when i ask 'what's changed' nothing really has.

..

and in the end it's just the time and place and 'not kiddy quarrels' anymore.


but then the fights we had did look serious, as well. haha

we might as well be in pinafores again. ..only difference is one of us has lost weight.

midtropicalnight's drama. bah.

i speak to the world outside of the glass wall
i see you but do you hear me
are you listening
if you do hear will you smile and say 'how do you do'

i reach out and i know you see
am i still a child you perceive me to be
or am i no longer innocent but ignorant
for the rules i thought i knew but didn't

i see logic in abstract
you know the world in facts
how do we smile at each other as we do
isn't that fascinating

i like you, too
but we don't have to agree
for i love you for all your un-understandable rationality
and you adore me through my idiosyncrasies

i miss the one friend overseas
i miss the ones sitting right by me
perhaps he's right
'who am i', 'i don't belong'

emotional insecurity?
bah. tentative romantic sensitivity.
but somehow, still, you make me feel safe
when i'm trying to be brave

..i think i'd been poisoned by cynicism
brought about by misguided altruism
completely wise but thoroughly stupid
aye, that's me

incomplete sentences
drawn into prose
without seeming meaning
so.. have you read love or did you see woes

it's time to grow up, sweet baby

it's time to grow up, isn't it.

22. time to take responsibility. heck, even before you're 22 you have to, as i found out. the world doesn't just consist of me, aye?


there's the loveliest man i know, the most wonderful friends i have, the acquaintances i barely know, the family i hardly see -- and the past that just won't stay dead.

have i told you i'm a sailor's daughter? yes, that's me. the kind of pirate that travels the seven seas with a wife in every port. aye, that's my father. and why'm i a girl, he asked. i don't know. i seem to have his traits in me. that's why i've hairy legs, i think.

i even have the 'someone after my blood' kinda scenario. threats and bloody insults. petty by a pirate's standards but i'm no pirate.

my dad is. the romantic kind.


...saying goodbye isn't all that easy sometimes, when you've spotted a gem. maybe that gem's predeterminedly 'not yours'. maybe even when you hadn't held it that long you had coveted that gem.

no, goodbye isn't easy.


without siblings, i am. elder sister's very nearly a stillborn, younger brother was miscarried. what do i know about loneliness? if someone left i'd simply wave goodbye and continue having a good time by myself. i hardly understood companionship, until a couple of years back. i knew it in the form of friendship, then.

i believe that was when i met a certain missy heng. :)


then i began to discover other people about me who are also companions. those who didn't and don't mind my being 'too weak to cry and too strong to suicide', those who loved and still love my daring to be me and then running away crying when i hit a wall, only to come back two minutes later yelling the same warcry i had yelled some ten minutes before.

'but what about love?' some voice asks.

'are you to be a sailor's wife, too?'


mm. no. i'm never going to get married. i'd be firstmate. not pregnant.

the sky will be my man, the land will be my child. if i ever find it in myself to become a real sailor i'll make sure i start sprouting a beard and own two shotguns. then the sea will be ma bitch.

but for all of my late understanding of what loneliness and loss is, goodbyes aren't easy, not when you're the gem that i begin to covet. and i thought i'd been hardened since childhood.

ha.



i'd savoured that last wait for the taxicab along the tree-lined street you live at. the comical slapping away of insects around that time of day, still looking out for the cab for me, looking like a little boy for all your life's experiences and years you'd lived and the places you'd been to and the people you'd met; looking like a little boy who fits so very well in my arms.

i guess in the short time we had, i'd loved you.

there's a song that goes - 'loving you, is easy 'cause you're beautiful'. you're like that, you know?


...you helped me get over someone, now i've to get over you. and i'll do it myself this time.




i have to grow up, haven't i?




----------

i'm a big big girl in a big big world
it's not a big big thing if you leave me

but i do feel i will
miss you much

so sorry

i'm sorry simony, for the self-justified temper i had when his name was mentioned, my past brought up.

you didn't deserve that. she's still plaguing me about it. it wasn't fair that she had even spoken to you about it, you should've never been in this kind of situation, possibly should've never gotten together with me.


i'm so sorry sweetie baby, for the hard times you went through because of me. you didn't deserve that. i wish i could've given you something sweeter, something more. guess the best was i knew how.. wasn't good enough.

best wishes, now.

i can only try

i'm 22.

i don't presume to know it all. i do things because i think they're right, if not then at least 'alright'. if you asked me why i did something i will have a reason rather than an 'i don't know'. whether my reasons are right or wrong in your eyes, is entirely a different story altogether.


i don't presume to 'be' matured. i can only try. i may sound matured, the things i do may not be. because i can only try to be. maybe i am truly wise but thoroughly stupid. is there reason for stupidity?

inexperience, i guess. not knowing that giving people the benefit of the doubt can suddenly be a 'wrong'. not knowing that it doesn't matter and having lost something precious.

i take the step i'm not right and if i did i'm wrong. is there a way out? do i see the light coming from between the grills?


two hands to clap, aye. if i'm one who's the other?

so tired

and finally i have nothing more to say.

so, so tired; so, so blase.


somehow content but somehow dissatisfied. almost like the beginnings of an itch i can't even begin to locate. life's so full of things to do, places to go, people to meet. i have a full life, like i had before i met a certain someone and stayed a year with him. life's returning, thankfully. now i have something more.

it'd be perfect now to find a job that takes my mind 24/7. :) with something i love, hopefully. art gallery, if things go well. female environment, the ad said. no more morons interviewing me. ..even if they were at least the issue wouldn't be trying to 'get to know me'.


no shortage of humans on earth, and certainly no shortage of wonderful people - my kind of wonderful people. one wonderfully lovely man in my arms right now - now time to gently separate us both. and this is the path i take.

in fatuation with an impossible man

smart, literally tall dark and handsome (alright not so handsome but attractive all the same) this time - charming as hell and bloody well-formed in terms of physique.

tasted once, savoured twice.


mmm. yes.

one kind.

went for the interviews all upbeat and such.

blardee hell the interviewers both seemed more interested in me than in getting me jobs.


and i was dressed decently, beat that!

i sure as hell wasn't sending out any signals. must be the sex i had before i went.....




















but i'm not kidding about the more interested in me than getting me a job bit.

he's just not that into you. you know i'm talking to you.

i read a book somewhere, by the same author who created sex and the city - the book consists of questions, millions of questions - women post about men.

why don't they call when they said they would?
why won't they pick you up?
why won't they dress up anymore?
why can't he open the door for me?
why doesn't he give me flowers?
why...?

and there's just one answer to each and every one of them.

he's just not that into you.


why then, doesn't he tell me? don't i deserve better? isn't it courtesy?

yes you deserve better and yes it's just courtesy. ..but babe, he ain't that into you to want to explain.
he just ain't that into you.


wise up and run already...

on paintballs and writing

hola!

i've just had the most amazing weekend!

the week ended with rather successful interviews on friday (second interviews come monday! yay!) after a most pleasant friend dropped by to visit and the weekend started with yet another successful interview on saturday - followed by lotr (yes, lord of them rings) games run by this dungeon master (DM) who delivers awesome sound effects and imagery who, incidentally, packs a flying punch on the xbox as well.

the bunch of us played through to the wee hours of sunday morning and hit the sack, only to gather again at noon today (sunday) to bloom each others' asses with paintballs.



WOOOOOOO YEAH paintball wars!


it's a sexy game i tell you! sexy because it's dangerous and the urban men you thought only capable of making kills on the computer screen can ALSO paint yer pretty corpse orange yellow purple and black with them paintball guns.


suddenly these 'slow-moving singapolean males' become war machines - an aspect i only heard tales about (mostly involving the words 'army' and 'camp' which, in essence, mean the same thing: hell). what an eye-opener!


...you can say that my perception of local guys upped several notches.



and ye gods, the paintballs hurt! each hit you get will earn you a bruise on top of a welt that you'll only feel 3 seconds after you're hit. i know, i got hit once or twice... but that's because i'm a coward and kept faaar faaaaaar away from the front line. i would've been cheerfully pelted with paintballs by the opposing team if i dared venture as close as my male counterparts did... but then i would've served a bigger share of bruised body parts to the other side if i had dared, too. :/

one of us had the misfortune to get bloody THWACKED right under the arm within three meters' range - he got a bruise the size of my fist that's purple on the outside and bright pink on the inside, which he took -hong kong accent- like a MAN. hats off to that one!


what happened on the field there looked like some reality show ..and i'm sure you people would have noticed that in every reality show there will be the occasional maniac.. and today in my team there happened to be two.

maniac no.1 turned up in bermudas and singlets knowing full well what kinda damage those paintballs can deal -- oddly enough though, he's not that badly injured, if at all. he's also the one spraying the field with ammo like there's no tomorrow. heh. maybe that's why he managed to get away with little damage: people were too busy ducking behind barriers to shoot at him.

maniac no.2 stood up from behind protective barriers, walked - beat this, WALKED - in the middle of the battle and pointed his gun, terminator style, at our enemies and put serious dents in their defences. heck everyone else on our side were huddling behind obstacles to avoid projectiles and he was the only one walking around outting enemies like they wouldn't find him. brave man, that. bloody accurate, too, if i may add, but maniac all the same. oh incidentally, this is the one who had served that the-size-of-my-fist bruise. scary.

maniac no.3 is the one i mentioned earlier, The One With The Funky Bruise, also known as Victim of Maniac No.2. though to be fair he DID do copious amounts of damage to our team, leading the attacks, literally shooting our exposed asses and continuously putting us out of play. heh. -respect-


the rain and the puddles and mud only served to make things more interesting - for me at least - it's REAL WAR. wah so cool. got gun got protective gear and got enemies got comrades got bloody weather. i feel like a MAAAAN. -flex miniscule muscles- no wonder guys like to talk about their army days!

to use a cliche, we had a smashing good time at this game: the exhilaration was awesome and the adrenalin exciting ..but as most good things go, the paintball war ended all too soon (the two hours flew by i tell you) and after promising each other that we'd do this again soon, we headed back to base (DM's home).


on the way back, after we're done recounting who shot who else - here is where the writing part comes in - someone mentioned how it is being working in the er, media (?). he's a writer and though he works shit hours he's absolutely happy. someone else picked up where he left off and brought up the issue of people writing for the sake of writing and sometimes being provocative just for the sake of being so.

words like 'trying too hard' and prominent names in the writing industry popped up as he said that it's more important to write to provoke meaningful thought than to write just to be provocative. an example raised was a local writer's likening singapore's casino situation to the outhouse without any given reason.


and i jump on the band wagon only now in the spirit of esprit de l'escalier!


if you were to call someone a name, you have to have a reason for it.

you might call someone micheal because he/she molests lil kids, or you might call someone moron because he/she made the mistake of calling himself 'average' in front of the girl he was wooing. but there are reasons given, see?

sometimes the reason's apparent, but most times it just isn't all that clear and it's always best to explain where you're coming from. besides, people tend to arrive at the same destinations but the routes they take might be vastly different.

and that's what makes a writer unique. it's 'the route' that makes things interesting and gives you your 'style'.


take the hit thriller series CSI for example.

in each episode the script consisted of one or more victims and there is the need to find that killer (the reason/objective of the law enforcers) but what made it so exciting were the methods used to kill the victim, the means employed to conceal the killer's identity and the clues the cops pick up to draw them closer to the murderer ('the route'). sometimes the killer's reason for the murder is an unexpected dash of mint on the usual pawsta. (don't pick bones with me on the choice of spice/herb here, i'm no cook and you know what i mean)

it won't excite you much if CSI showed only dead bodies and people snapping pictures of the crime scene only to show you looks of relief and lines that go 'well, all in a day' two minutes later, would it? it's like calling two plain slices of bread a sandwich: no bite.

you don't make claims about a person or an organisation without supporting them. nothing much happens if it's good, unless it's something you sold and it fell short of whatever you promised it would be. then you get sued.

..if it's bad it's called slander. and you get sued.


...which later led me to wonder: what do you people think of my emails? are you indulging me because you happen to know me and that i say the weirdest things that keeps you amused? i know i won't get sued for airing my views but what - how - does it impact upon you, the reader?

to quote someone in the car loosely: it feels good to know that your work is out there, with your name on it; and that people reading it either love it or hate it.

aye, it's true. whether the boss loves it is another issue altogether.


but is it enough, really? is it enough for me? my readership's definitely lower than the main local paper, i've no 'boss' to speak of.

should i be worried that my emails tend to drop into cyberworld, into your emailboxes like pebbles thrown into deep deep wells, with the occasional pleasant 'plip' when it pitches into the water, or should i be content that my pebbles are filling that well in bit by bit without seeing splash nor hearing sound?


mm. here's the result of two minutes of pondering:
whatever it is, i suppose i'm of the same mind as that friend. i want my words read, i want my thoughts known.

and yes, it does feel obscurely good that someone's reading my musings and possibly cursing the amount of time i have at the same time wishing they could find it in themselves to write about things as such as well. heck do it better than i'm doing it, even.



-grin- maybe.

it does feel good to know that you are receiving my emails. it's the hope that i am giving you something to think about, smile at, mentally chew on later makes me carry on writing.

and here's hoping you like my pieces. :)

so are you smart or stupid?

i'd met someone a while ago.

i hardly know him. i only know his name, where he lives, how his room looks like and that there is a window on his bathroom wall that allows one to peek in our out.


and i'm content. we do stuff together. walks on the beach, walks elsewhere, walks in ikea, hanging out at my place, hanging out at his. and we're happy.

he's the 'surrogate boyfriend', so to speak. he teaches me stuff, and i tell him about my nonsense views of the world. it amuses him, i think. whatever i say and do, he somehow accepts, and goes along with it. maybe that kind of patience comes with age. perhaps he understands that with him i can't go too wrong.

..perhaps i know that if i went wrong it's still with him.

experience junkie? that's me.


i find that i don't need to know much about him. that is enough. he is inconsequential in my life as i am in his; we simply enjoy meeting up. perhaps it's because we hardly expect much of each other, but somehow we treat each other well. maybe he's just naturally nice. (you think? :) )

but then that begs the question: is it wise? you hardly know the fella.


answer? yes. and no.

yes because i know i can call it quits anytime i want, and he'd go 'okay' and disappear; he can do likewise and get the same results. and no because - come on, trust a 'stranger'? bah. it'd do you good to get his ic number, his family's details and suchlike so when shit happens you got some kinda line to hang on to, sugar.


..oddly though, i find myself trusting this person right from the start. i'm usually paranoid about people. questions like 'why's he/she doing this, what were the alternatives to attain similar results' pop in my mind when someone does anything remotely suspicious. 'suspicious' may be anything concerning me or someone i know.

heck, 'suspicious' may be anything.


maybe i'm naive, still. cynical yet somehow still believing that there are people who are simply harmless around. alternatively, that person may be capable of shitloads of harm but somehow, just somehow - this person i'm speaking of - he's just ..going along.

almost like the devil, if i may say. to take a quote from the the movie 'the devil's advocate' in which de niro plays the devil - 'i don't pull the strings; i only set the stage.' and true, he doesn't pull strings.

neither of us do. it's not to imply that anyone's manipulative. it - our rather unique situation, methinks - simply reminds me of that line and i thought i'd better scribe it before i forget.


so... where's this going? hell if i know. i don't think he knows as well but i'm guessing he's got some 'to-run' sign somewhere - like a limit of sorts, something to tell him to quit and leave so shit doesn't happen. he's a smart one, this.

and me? i'm taking the lead, it seems. will he take the lead? i was the one to kick this off. he's following along. simply because it doesn't matter. :)


..or does it? i'll find out later. i'm not holding my breath waiting. rolling right along now.

i may sing along, but i don't belong

http://www.blueman.com/videoimages/video/singalong_h.shtml

WAHAHAHA this one's funny. http://www.blueman.com/videoimages/video/ifeellove_h.shtml

seduction

seduction's never felt so good
sensuality tasted like it should

hot yielding lips upon
hot wielded body

you and me
sounds like my kind of story

fingers entwined and
dazed sweaty minds

in sweet torturing heaven
with an innocently sinning heathen

another one! :D

eh jas we the same...

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you compelte. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

yay websites telling me about myself

Your Birthdate: February 26

Your birth on the 26th day of the month (8 energy) modifies your life by increasing your capability to function and succeed in the business world. In this environment you have the skills to work very well with others thanks to the 2 and 6 energies combining in this date. There is a marked increase in organizational, managerial, and administrative abilities. You are efficient and handle money very well. You're ambitious and energetic, while generally remaining cooperative and adaptable. You are conscientious and not afraid of responsibility. Generally sociable and diplomatic, you tend to use persuasion rather than force. You have a wonderful combination of being good at both the broad strokes and the fine detail; good at starting and continuing. This birthday is practical and realistic, often seeking material satisfaction.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

asshole at my doorstep

attended a party recently, a seeming drunk asked me if he could feel me up.

found out later that my friend's dating that asshole and he wants to join our gaming group.


don't want to put her in tough position and finally said yes... oh dear.

gotta be extra careful now.