now i understand the preciousness of blogs - they're away from the public. online, and away from the public. i know i can as easily keep a journal, but are these sentiments going to be lugged around, on modern papyrus?

i'd rather these be kept within cyberspace, where they bear no weight other than the gravity of the meaning the words carry.

unsurprisingly, it is also only today that i truly understand the existence of the argument "if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, has there been a sound at all?"

the issue here is not really about the tree falling, but more of whether there is anyone to hear it. right now, i want someone to hear what i have to say. an anonymous listening ear, i suppose.


i posted something angry on facebook yesterevening, when i couldn't for the life of me take the noise level in the house. people were simply talking too loudly. i'd always been the merry person, who doesn't mind a party myself, but i cannot take the person whose normal decibel level is set on "jarring".

that sort of volume is reserved for fishwives and the geriatric, when they've gone deaf.

and day in, day out, the tv's blaring, the laptops are playing singaporean drama serials - people don't sleep till late, the only time when there is real privacy and quiet is between 2am and 7am. the rest of the time there will be people around.

and last night, i couldn't take it anymore, and i posted something angry. it was without naming anyone, but i guess it's just obvious. the responses i got were just as obvious. suffice to say, without meaning to extrapolate, it was a childish act on both ends.

i could've spoken up instead of being angry, and she... she could've given more understanding. given who she is (observed from day-to-day living), however, i realise that it will not be above her to react the way she reacted.

could i have behaved differently though?

could i, and if i could, would i? am i able to rise above myself, "act out of the ordinary", and have avoided this altogether? are we - she and i - the same, in the way that we are not able to rise above ourselves?

or is she already rising above herself and letting it go, as i am currently rising above myself and letting it go? do i give her enough credit? should i?

what's the issue, now?


...sadly, i'm confounded. right now i'm enjoying the quietness, but on the other hand, hm. i've a pissy person living in close quarters. i mean, i like her. just not when she's this loud. it's not really her fault, i suppose, more of the nature of the living in a place so full of people.

and this affirms the idea that i really need to move out of here. not that i dislike the place and the people, no - more to avoid the friction. one step at a time, one step at a time.

full circle

full circle? out of indonesia, completed the circle in singapore.


begin again in australia, only He's guiding my way, having lit and prepared it for me.

thanks be to God.

LOVE STORY (Taylor Swift) meets VIVA LA VIDA (Coldplay) - Piano/Cello - by Jon Schmidt

that niggly wiggly feelin'

sometimes, just sometimes i get that feeling that.. well, there should be something more in my life. something's missing.

but what?

song

i wonder if songs are called songs because they make you song. as in shiok.

a-muse

i wonder how men can ask questions like this. i marvel at the foot-in-mouth disease.

and in case you're wondering, yes i am totally one who would mention names.


desmond chan: Like your comment about sex is like a good poo. Now how would you know that? ;)

me: I poo every day.

desmond chan: How about the sex bit? How do you know sex is as good as poo?

me: awfully curious aren't you...

desmond chan: Not that curious but like to hear how did you come to that conclusion. Anyway, no worries. Hope you have been keeping well. Have a good weekend.

me: hahahah it's a wonder vicky decided to introduce you to me. she probably never guessed you'd ask questions in this vein!


..people, this is someone introduced to me by a well-meaning lady senior to him, an aunt's position of sorts. i bet this chap was on his best behaviour when in her presence. he is also a finance industry, though i wonder if he's still in it now.

so strange

i think that it's strange that there should be this many chaps who are so very attracted but are so very strange.

i think i attract strange old men and immature young boys. the good ones're dead (one prime example in melbourne), married (to jobs, women, dogs, wine), twenty years too close to the coffin or two near the cradle.

is there no good choice, or is it because i'm in singapore?

tempted

i'm tempted to put this on my facebook account: "good sex is like a good poo: when you're done you feel relaxed, happy and feel lighter at the end of it all."

i hate what my mother does

she talks. and talks. accuses. makes odd presumptions. complains, dreams, hopes.

human. as i am.

so why do i find all of this so very grating? is it because of the way she sees a little too far ahead? because "her time is running out"?

she speaks to me. i feel rotten sometimes because she talks to me and i am repulsed. i know. i'm ashamed as i say this. she's living under someone else's roof, yes. she's making her own living when i should be supporting her already, true. she's single and all she has supposedly have left now is me, fair enough. surely she's got some "rights" to her daughter?

she does. she should. but do i go visit only to hear her talk about eating more vegetables? sleep earlier? listen to her talk about avoiding the colder seasons when she can to come visit when i'm in australia...

"try, try," she said.

it's a season, ma. not a few hours in a cold room from which you can escape. you can't even bear the breeze in your room, which is sealed like tupperware throughout the night; you can't even have the fan on and you put blankets on yourself when you sleep. please don't die on a visit. i wouldn't know what to do and it'd kill me if you were to die because of me. you've already done enough, ma.

come in the spring or the summer instead and stop talking about the stupid colder seasons.


it's not like i'm the one leaving-leaving you know. i'm leaving here, the comfort, the security, the wretched humidity alongside the tropical temperatures, friends, family. as much as i'm leaving you, you're leaving me, too. see? and i mean, really. my mother. she's worried about all these.

tell you a secret: so'm i. i'm worried about the weather, because i'll have to be in it. i'm worried about not having the right clothes. i'm worried about the job climate. i'm worried about the shootouts that happen every so often there, after dark. i'm worried i may have to return here after a few months, because i can't find a job because i'm not bloody aussie, because i'm not ang moh, because i refuse to sleep with the mother-fuckin boss.

i'm worried, okay?

i don't tell her the above but i tell her it's not easy for me to leave neither. i also did not tell her what i'm typing below.

the whole purpose of going overseas? buy her a fuckin' house, that's my purpose. so she'll finally have a dream come fuckin' true. nothing's secure, ma. talking about the future now wanting an assurance when i don't have enough assurances even for myself is just not helpful. and i know you're trying to be strong, too.

yeah i'll forever be the ingrate of a child. taking, never giving. perhaps i'll remain that way forever to the rest of the world and possibly to you as well. i hate it when you think that of me, because no matter how much i rail at your imperfections i know i love you. i just wish you wouldn't make it so hard. i do my best, really i do.

a lot of the time i seriously don't know what you want from me. maybe possibly perhaps that's also why i'm leaving. i'm angry because i don't have all the answers. you're looking to me for answers, and i don't even understand your questions, if there are questions to begin with. i know you would have settled for a lie, even if my attempt in australia were to flop you'd love me still, take me back and encourage me, tell me, "start anew, people fail sometimes. nobody'll blame you."

i know. that's why i feel angry. at myself. i'm sorry i cannot provide the answers right now. i can only plan for the worst and hope for the best. and do my best.

it's not easy, no. not for either of us. so stop talking about it already, yeah?


so what does telling her that i'm worried do? she cries. after i cry. we both cry. separately, not really wanting the other to be bothered but we know the other's bothered. feeling more the monster after, on both ends. does it have to be this hard? i know it's hard, but does it have to be so expressedly hard?

come on. suck it up, cry into the pillow later. tears don't help nobody but yourself. unless you're at a funeral, which we're not. someone's got to be strong about this, it might's well be the two of us.

let's both pretend we're strong, k? you'll have your privacy to cry later, i.. probably won't, when i need to. but let's pretend it's okay for now, because i will have to leave, and you will have to watch me leave when the day comes.

so let's just try, k? let's try to be strong, pretend we're not worried. just try, k?

mortality

friend of mine passed away and the 7th day is today. which also happens to be my birthday.

and today, as i rush back to my office after spending some time with my saddened friends, i had a brush with mortality as well. it was raining, i was at peninsular plaza, crossing the road on the zebra crossing to get to the other building. the dumb car was stationary, but somehow, just somehow -

the MAN driver lost his grip on the brake or something and the car rushed forward at me. fortunately (praise The Lord!) the brakes were applied in time before any real damage was done -

i've never sworn so much in two sms-es. not that i swear a great deal, but to have me spew three swearwords in one message... well, i must've been shaken. and it won't be my own fault. i hate it when it's not my fault. because then it isn't of my doing, and probably therefore not my choice.

fuck.

death and healing

some time ago i've decided to head to australia. plans have been smooth, things are going well and i see God's fingerprints all over my progress. so far, so good.

it will get even better!

so far i've been praying for the gift of healing... there is a dear uncle i want to heal so, so much. as well as my cousin who cannot raise her feet, as well as an entire family of extended family (if i may put it that way) whose backs i'd like to heal. and there are many, many, many other people out there who can use a healing or three.

meanwhile, i find myself being broke. a friend of mine passed away and... it was tragic. his death was still fresh, happened only last week, friday. i don't know him very well but from what i know he's a pleasant chap. i was there before the funeral, at the funeral, through to the cremation.

i'm there for my friends. they are the ones who need additional company i suppose, and i'm pretty close to them that i'd want to do this for them, with them. and i'm glad i gave them my time, it was the only thing i could do for them in that situation.

guys, please take good care of yourselves. look left and right before you cross the roads. see a doctor if you're depressed. if you're cutting yourself you NEED TO LET SOMEONE KNOW. talk to me. us. we'll help, because we're friends, right?

i know you'll do the same for me. and you'll cry if i were to leave, as i will cry when you leave. stay with me awhile, please, on the living side of it.

and this is also why i wish to heal. stay well please, people. it means a lot to me that you do.

this day in the new year

this day, second day of new year i am robust and jumpy.

i dared and was bold, i asked and spoke and teased - i felt alive. i also bought a bottle of wine.

i have stepped out of my cocoon, one i hadn't realised i'd been in to realise, oh my - so THIS is what NOTcocooned feels like!

and isn't that great? :)

reflection - i guess

i'd just read the bible and well, it told me about being real inside. being real as in being honest and true without wanting others to see you in a certain way.

y'know, without the persona. sometimes, just sometimes, methinks people do things for the image. actually, a great deal of the time that people do things for the image. saying things for the sake of saying them; doing hings for the sake of appearing cool, pious, gentle, sweet... when in actual fact...

heh.

that happens a great deal in the media. people of the media have to be cool and worldly-wise because that's what they're supposed to be. they have to be attractive, eloquent, camera-ready and know what it is exactly that they're talking about when in truth... nothing against media people, honestly. i guess it's more to do with the idea that we're supposed to be cool.

that we know better.

ya think?


actually these people just may know better. it's a matter of connecting with the right questions that their knowing better will be revealed. we can't be as friendly as the westerners want to cut us out to be, because we're not. we're asians.

even westerners get tongue-tied sometimes because they hardly know a person and it actually takes a superbly friendly person (or a stupendously drunk one, for the dutch courage) to actually come to a group of people to say HELLO! my name is so-and-so and i was wondering if you would like to join me at my party at...

y'know.

...never mind. i think i don't know what i'm talking about at this hour.

and oh, yeah. my lady friend at the cafe is thinking of setting me up. i think she likes me. haha

"lapdance"

Lara: What’re you doing this Friday? Heading to Harry’s?
Flint: Yes – going for drinks at Harry’s then going home.
Lara: I see! I’m preparing food for my church tomorrow. So exciting!
Flint: Getting baptised again?
Lara: Not baptised again, silly. I hadn’t been baptised yet. It’s a pleasure making stuff for others’ enjoyment.
Flint: Still not baptized? Oh you heathen you.
Lara: Lol just wait till I actually say the word “lapdance”.
Flint: (puts on the “yeah whatever” look)
Lara: (not noticing but puts on the come-hither voice and look) “L----------------
Flint: (turns with a snap, with a look that says “why helloooo there!”)
Lara: (with a bit more rrrr this time, a bit more heavily coquettish) “LLL--------------
Flint: (listens, rapt)
Lara: “L ----------------- (licks lips)-----------------
Flint: (swallows, loosens his collar...)
Lara: "L----------- (comes closer to Flint, eyes closing slowly....)
Flint: (prepares to reach for her...)
Lara: (abrupt) “-apdance”.

roomba

hey check this out: the ROOMBA. is it cool or what?

you don't need doctors to tell you this

THIS IS FROM REUTERS. why they take the time to even write this article, i don't know.

---

a1181reutru i BC-DOCTORS-TEXTING/ 11-10 0229
BC-DOCTORS-TEXTING/
Texting while driving is bad, US doctors agree
WASHINGTON, Nov 10 (Reuters) - Tapping out text messages on
a cell phone while driving is dangerous, the American Medical
Association agreed on Monday, and supported state legislation
to ban it.

The group, which represents about 240,000 U.S. physicians,
voted to lend its weight to laws that would make it easier for
police to pull over drivers who are doing it.

"Texting while driving takes the driver's attention away
from the road, which can lead to accidents," said Dr. Peter
Carmel, an AMA board member.

"A recent study found that text messaging while driving
causes a 400 percent increase in time spent with eyes off the
road. No one should have to worry that other drivers are
focused on texting instead of traffic. This is about keeping
people safe on our roads."

The AMA, meeting in Orlando, Florida, said seven states and
Washington, D.C. have bans on text messaging while driving.

Research has shown that talking on cell phones also
distracts drivers and can cause more accidents -- even with
hands-free devices -- and the AMA supports laws against doing
that, too.

The engineer driving a California train that crashed in
September, killing 12 people and injuring 135 in the worst U.S.
train accident in 15 years, was text-messaging seconds before,
federal investigators said.

(Reporting by Maggie Fox, editing by Will Dunham and
Cynthia Osterman)


REUTERS
Reut 22:20 11-10-08

dating

i realise i've been dating. i've been seeing this guy for three days running.

it's fast by normal standards, then again it's only been three days.


but i don't feel that it's too fast. i'm comfortable with it, perhaps because i have given my self to God, that's why i don't feel the need to belong to someone else. there is a sense of peace and equilibrium.

helps that chap's pretty cute and the right kind of intense.

after chris though, boy. i just want to be careful. like, careful, never mind that he's calling back.

and careful i will be.

about teenage sexuality

today i saw on channel news asia cheryl fox taking on the oft-tackled topic of adolescent sexperiments and therefore, teen pregnancies.

it reminds me of the topics that we had to consider and ponder through when i was at that age. they now have reality shows, we had tv dramas, mini-movies that tackled sex, drugs, pregnancies. people like my friends and i never did have that kind of urge... perhaps because we didn't know what we were missing, and therefore didn't lose anything by not even trying.

truthfully, i didn't know where the urge to sexperiment came from when it came to secondary school kids. i cannot understand that as i hadn't been sexually driven when i was that age. i wasn't even very interested in the topic until much later - and by then i've already worked out what i would do if i were ever caught in that kind of situation.

sure, there were the thrashy novels that make me and a certain few blush, but that does not mean we went ahead and found ourselves boyfriends and so we can get down to business. in fact, we didn't get boyfriends at all.

oh there were crushes alright, but the focus was on studies then, not relationships. nonetheless, the idea of love was way more naive and simpler. we were, after all, influenced by taiwanese shows in which "one love, one life" was endlessly harped upon. impossible matches of rich-boy-poor-girl were rampant; i guess that helped shape the ideals we now have.

but i digress. so cheryl fox was interviewing teenagers about their babies (for those who got pregnant), teenagers who saw other teenagers get amorous at void decks, at playgrounds, and teenagers who... well, cruised through it all. which is to say that they weren't bothered like most of my friends weren't bothered.

so one of them said something about being curious about sex during the interview and i recall becoming scornful.

i still am, possibly because i cannot relate, nor understand why anyone could be curious.


i mean, i'm no virgin. i've had my fair share of make-outs and boyfriends... and truth be told, reading about how good sex feels the way they're described in romance novels - it's much like being told how fireworks look like and having a free fall.

which isn't wrong nor inaccurate.


it's just that to get there it takes more than just a teenager with a loaded gun, you get what i mean? sure, the kids sexperiment, but the girls, ho my goodness the girls - if grown men take forever to find the g spot do you really think young boys can hit it at first go?

seriously.

so... if it doesn't feel that great for the girl during make-out sessions and sex is almost always painful the first time round, why aren't the girls turned off yet?

perhaps they fancied themselves really in love, which may well be the case? i know i'm not one to discount the ability to feel love. perhaps my scorn stemmed from the understanding that these young boys won't know what to do when shit hits the fan and flies far.

don't the girls know that? or did they neglect the idea of condoms?


or perhaps they were like the two in JUNO? judging by the kind of ads that came up and the rising number of teen pregnancies - i'm guessing most aren't like the two in the above-mentioned movie.

heh. i wish they hadn't have to learn the hard way. life sometimes doesn't give second chances.

THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF

Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up

Catheter

for the uninitiated, check out what a CATHETER is.