Thursday, July 23, 2009

now i understand the preciousness of blogs - they're away from the public. online, and away from the public. i know i can as easily keep a journal, but are these sentiments going to be lugged around, on modern papyrus?

i'd rather these be kept within cyberspace, where they bear no weight other than the gravity of the meaning the words carry.

unsurprisingly, it is also only today that i truly understand the existence of the argument "if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, has there been a sound at all?"

the issue here is not really about the tree falling, but more of whether there is anyone to hear it. right now, i want someone to hear what i have to say. an anonymous listening ear, i suppose.


i posted something angry on facebook yesterevening, when i couldn't for the life of me take the noise level in the house. people were simply talking too loudly. i'd always been the merry person, who doesn't mind a party myself, but i cannot take the person whose normal decibel level is set on "jarring".

that sort of volume is reserved for fishwives and the geriatric, when they've gone deaf.

and day in, day out, the tv's blaring, the laptops are playing singaporean drama serials - people don't sleep till late, the only time when there is real privacy and quiet is between 2am and 7am. the rest of the time there will be people around.

and last night, i couldn't take it anymore, and i posted something angry. it was without naming anyone, but i guess it's just obvious. the responses i got were just as obvious. suffice to say, without meaning to extrapolate, it was a childish act on both ends.

i could've spoken up instead of being angry, and she... she could've given more understanding. given who she is (observed from day-to-day living), however, i realise that it will not be above her to react the way she reacted.

could i have behaved differently though?

could i, and if i could, would i? am i able to rise above myself, "act out of the ordinary", and have avoided this altogether? are we - she and i - the same, in the way that we are not able to rise above ourselves?

or is she already rising above herself and letting it go, as i am currently rising above myself and letting it go? do i give her enough credit? should i?

what's the issue, now?


...sadly, i'm confounded. right now i'm enjoying the quietness, but on the other hand, hm. i've a pissy person living in close quarters. i mean, i like her. just not when she's this loud. it's not really her fault, i suppose, more of the nature of the living in a place so full of people.

and this affirms the idea that i really need to move out of here. not that i dislike the place and the people, no - more to avoid the friction. one step at a time, one step at a time.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

full circle

full circle? out of indonesia, completed the circle in singapore.


begin again in australia, only He's guiding my way, having lit and prepared it for me.

thanks be to God.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

that niggly wiggly feelin'

sometimes, just sometimes i get that feeling that.. well, there should be something more in my life. something's missing.

but what?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

song

i wonder if songs are called songs because they make you song. as in shiok.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

a-muse

i wonder how men can ask questions like this. i marvel at the foot-in-mouth disease.

and in case you're wondering, yes i am totally one who would mention names.


desmond chan: Like your comment about sex is like a good poo. Now how would you know that? ;)

me: I poo every day.

desmond chan: How about the sex bit? How do you know sex is as good as poo?

me: awfully curious aren't you...

desmond chan: Not that curious but like to hear how did you come to that conclusion. Anyway, no worries. Hope you have been keeping well. Have a good weekend.

me: hahahah it's a wonder vicky decided to introduce you to me. she probably never guessed you'd ask questions in this vein!


..people, this is someone introduced to me by a well-meaning lady senior to him, an aunt's position of sorts. i bet this chap was on his best behaviour when in her presence. he is also a finance industry, though i wonder if he's still in it now.

Friday, March 13, 2009

so strange

i think that it's strange that there should be this many chaps who are so very attracted but are so very strange.

i think i attract strange old men and immature young boys. the good ones're dead (one prime example in melbourne), married (to jobs, women, dogs, wine), twenty years too close to the coffin or two near the cradle.

is there no good choice, or is it because i'm in singapore?

Monday, March 09, 2009

tempted

i'm tempted to put this on my facebook account: "good sex is like a good poo: when you're done you feel relaxed, happy and feel lighter at the end of it all."

Sunday, March 01, 2009

i hate what my mother does

she talks. and talks. accuses. makes odd presumptions. complains, dreams, hopes.

human. as i am.

so why do i find all of this so very grating? is it because of the way she sees a little too far ahead? because "her time is running out"?

she speaks to me. i feel rotten sometimes because she talks to me and i am repulsed. i know. i'm ashamed as i say this. she's living under someone else's roof, yes. she's making her own living when i should be supporting her already, true. she's single and all she has supposedly have left now is me, fair enough. surely she's got some "rights" to her daughter?

she does. she should. but do i go visit only to hear her talk about eating more vegetables? sleep earlier? listen to her talk about avoiding the colder seasons when she can to come visit when i'm in australia...

"try, try," she said.

it's a season, ma. not a few hours in a cold room from which you can escape. you can't even bear the breeze in your room, which is sealed like tupperware throughout the night; you can't even have the fan on and you put blankets on yourself when you sleep. please don't die on a visit. i wouldn't know what to do and it'd kill me if you were to die because of me. you've already done enough, ma.

come in the spring or the summer instead and stop talking about the stupid colder seasons.


it's not like i'm the one leaving-leaving you know. i'm leaving here, the comfort, the security, the wretched humidity alongside the tropical temperatures, friends, family. as much as i'm leaving you, you're leaving me, too. see? and i mean, really. my mother. she's worried about all these.

tell you a secret: so'm i. i'm worried about the weather, because i'll have to be in it. i'm worried about not having the right clothes. i'm worried about the job climate. i'm worried about the shootouts that happen every so often there, after dark. i'm worried i may have to return here after a few months, because i can't find a job because i'm not bloody aussie, because i'm not ang moh, because i refuse to sleep with the mother-fuckin boss.

i'm worried, okay?

i don't tell her the above but i tell her it's not easy for me to leave neither. i also did not tell her what i'm typing below.

the whole purpose of going overseas? buy her a fuckin' house, that's my purpose. so she'll finally have a dream come fuckin' true. nothing's secure, ma. talking about the future now wanting an assurance when i don't have enough assurances even for myself is just not helpful. and i know you're trying to be strong, too.

yeah i'll forever be the ingrate of a child. taking, never giving. perhaps i'll remain that way forever to the rest of the world and possibly to you as well. i hate it when you think that of me, because no matter how much i rail at your imperfections i know i love you. i just wish you wouldn't make it so hard. i do my best, really i do.

a lot of the time i seriously don't know what you want from me. maybe possibly perhaps that's also why i'm leaving. i'm angry because i don't have all the answers. you're looking to me for answers, and i don't even understand your questions, if there are questions to begin with. i know you would have settled for a lie, even if my attempt in australia were to flop you'd love me still, take me back and encourage me, tell me, "start anew, people fail sometimes. nobody'll blame you."

i know. that's why i feel angry. at myself. i'm sorry i cannot provide the answers right now. i can only plan for the worst and hope for the best. and do my best.

it's not easy, no. not for either of us. so stop talking about it already, yeah?


so what does telling her that i'm worried do? she cries. after i cry. we both cry. separately, not really wanting the other to be bothered but we know the other's bothered. feeling more the monster after, on both ends. does it have to be this hard? i know it's hard, but does it have to be so expressedly hard?

come on. suck it up, cry into the pillow later. tears don't help nobody but yourself. unless you're at a funeral, which we're not. someone's got to be strong about this, it might's well be the two of us.

let's both pretend we're strong, k? you'll have your privacy to cry later, i.. probably won't, when i need to. but let's pretend it's okay for now, because i will have to leave, and you will have to watch me leave when the day comes.

so let's just try, k? let's try to be strong, pretend we're not worried. just try, k?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

mortality

friend of mine passed away and the 7th day is today. which also happens to be my birthday.

and today, as i rush back to my office after spending some time with my saddened friends, i had a brush with mortality as well. it was raining, i was at peninsular plaza, crossing the road on the zebra crossing to get to the other building. the dumb car was stationary, but somehow, just somehow -

the MAN driver lost his grip on the brake or something and the car rushed forward at me. fortunately (praise The Lord!) the brakes were applied in time before any real damage was done -

i've never sworn so much in two sms-es. not that i swear a great deal, but to have me spew three swearwords in one message... well, i must've been shaken. and it won't be my own fault. i hate it when it's not my fault. because then it isn't of my doing, and probably therefore not my choice.

fuck.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

death and healing

some time ago i've decided to head to australia. plans have been smooth, things are going well and i see God's fingerprints all over my progress. so far, so good.

it will get even better!

so far i've been praying for the gift of healing... there is a dear uncle i want to heal so, so much. as well as my cousin who cannot raise her feet, as well as an entire family of extended family (if i may put it that way) whose backs i'd like to heal. and there are many, many, many other people out there who can use a healing or three.

meanwhile, i find myself being broke. a friend of mine passed away and... it was tragic. his death was still fresh, happened only last week, friday. i don't know him very well but from what i know he's a pleasant chap. i was there before the funeral, at the funeral, through to the cremation.

i'm there for my friends. they are the ones who need additional company i suppose, and i'm pretty close to them that i'd want to do this for them, with them. and i'm glad i gave them my time, it was the only thing i could do for them in that situation.

guys, please take good care of yourselves. look left and right before you cross the roads. see a doctor if you're depressed. if you're cutting yourself you NEED TO LET SOMEONE KNOW. talk to me. us. we'll help, because we're friends, right?

i know you'll do the same for me. and you'll cry if i were to leave, as i will cry when you leave. stay with me awhile, please, on the living side of it.

and this is also why i wish to heal. stay well please, people. it means a lot to me that you do.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

this day in the new year

this day, second day of new year i am robust and jumpy.

i dared and was bold, i asked and spoke and teased - i felt alive. i also bought a bottle of wine.

i have stepped out of my cocoon, one i hadn't realised i'd been in to realise, oh my - so THIS is what NOTcocooned feels like!

and isn't that great? :)